gray green fog

noahgrace's text post blog. i mostly write about being nonbinary, a survivor, neurodivergent and mentally ill, as well as other thoughts and lifestuff. pronoun is they/them/their/themselves. only posts that have a community tag on them like #actuallyautistic are rebloggable. please do not follow or read if you are neuro-typical. main blog is graygender.

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since going to my gp and requesting help for my eating disorder, its gotten a fuckton worse which is fun.

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I regret to announce that I have another weird crush but its a celebrity crush so that isn't anywhere near as weird as crushing on someone in your life that you have to face. And a lot of people probably agree with me about this one, so its fine. kind of.

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i have the weirdest crush at the moment and like when you have a crush you wanna tell people about it? kind of? you wanna like complain about how cute they are? but if i did tell someone theyd be like “noah what the hell”. i told my mum and she screamed with laughter because it was such a weird person to have a crush on (i wasnt offended dw like Its What I Deserve). so im mostly keeping it to myself but my head is like exploding from it lol. also i dont actually want anything to happen with this person because im in a monogamous relationship, but im still like. mad.

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in every other sphere of life i feel compelled to hide my distaste for wearing makeup because otherwise people who do wear it seem to get offended and be like “but its okay if someone likes wearing it!” sure! whatever! i cant stop anyone from doing anything. everyone has their personal reasons for doing what they do, but acknowledging that doesnt mean silencing people for whom it causes dysphoria and/or other types of discomfort lol.

i feel the same about shaving as well. as soon as it comes up in conversation and i mention i dont shave i get a barrage of “oh well i only do it because i like the feeling of smooth legs” :/ i dont care?

again everyone has their own personal reasons for doing what they do and you dont have to apologise to me for shaving??? your actions here arent doing anything bad to me? just try and make this world an easier place to be for people like me who dont perform femininity in the expected way! or the women out there whose very bodies are considered unfeminine and whose gender is invalidated because of that! thankz. do wahtever you want with your body hair, i dont care, what I do care about it is people challenging the notions that hairless=woman hairy=man, challenging transmisogyny, challenging biological essentialism, challenging racist ideals of womanhood, challenging the way capitalism and patriarchy cross over to enforce femininity, and stuff like that

people get v weird about these opinions but i can post this here though because i have like 8 followers on this blog

just needed 2 rant

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I hate makeup!!!!! i want my face to look exactly how it is! i dont want to hide anything! i dont want to pretend im attractive! i have spots and scars and i don’t give a fuck of a damn! im ugly and youll all deal with it, so help me god!

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God the tumble app is janky as fuk

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me: *feels the slightest hint of an emotion that isn't shame or guilt*

my OCD:

my OCD:

my OCD:

my OCD: sweetie, you are literally so out of line it’s fucking unbelievable. i could drag you so hard right now but i know you’ll just end up crying. i’ve roasted you before and you know it. chances are you’ll just say i bullied you because you’re gay and have different skin. talk shit get hit, you don’t wanna mess with me kiddo; i’ve got a black belt. i know threats are fucked up but that’s all i’ve been receiving all day, probably from her royal hoodrat olive and all of her nasty friends. but you can gang up on me and make fun of me for being goth all you want. i’ve been hurt a lot. my first boyfriend cheated on me, my dad screams if i forget to do my chores, and there are some days i don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings. i’m a jaded teenage girl. i’ve been through shit that you wouldn’t even dream of. you think your life is hard? try asking the cutest guy in your grade out in the middle of the cafeteria only to find out he has a fucking girlfriend. you don’t know my life or my story so keep my name out of your nasty mouth. life is a battlefield and it looks like i’ve already won.

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I haven't posted on here for a long while but I used to complain about my grandfather a lot on here so an update:

The bastard died! *pops the biggest bottles*

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Me: i feel terrible but imma be brave and reach out for support and message a friend.

Also me: *refuses to talk about my feelings for longer than three messages*

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aww i just saw my “im two weeks cutting free” post from last year, its adorable and making me feel so good right now because at the time of writing im 42 weeks cutting free and wow i came on here to make a negative post but now im smiling so much. ive been working so hard to beat this and ive done so so well. im really proud of myself.

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I'm two weeks cutting-free yeaahhhhh booooy.

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i dont want a best friend ever again best friends just hurt you cos they know you are vulnerable

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OK we're good read more worked. I literally just cut the deepest I ever have before, like I often have exposed the dermis before and even that scared me a bit. but I literally am seeing lil yellow bubbles of fat in the cut like holy shit? I've never seen that before ever. There aren't that many of them and the cut still isn't that deep so it won't need to be closed and even if it did I want big ass ugly scars but yeah is it weird that I feel a big sense of achievement lmfao? I wanna tell everyone about it but that's not something you do.

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I fucking hate prom season

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I feel like a terrible person bc I find the visible scars even of recovered/ex-self harmers really really really fucking triggering, but I can't tell people what's wrong without sounding like an absolute twat. I dont want to ask people to cover up. I want to be able to celebrate their bravery. but it just triggers the fuck out of me so I have to run away and hide

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i feel really angry about the fact that ill be going through another wave of therapy because i shouldnt need this, people should have not fucked my brain up in the first place but i am left with the fallout, i am left having to pick up the pieces and trying to cope with what is basically structural damage to my brain caused by these fuckos, im the one who has to dedicate energy and resources and suffering just to trying to carry on with life. they should be the ones who are doing this. they should have my flashbacks and ocd and depression. they should be suffering more than me