Spaghetti Brain Occurence

Glitches in the grey matter.

[spaghettibrainoccurence]

Kindling

I love creating a fire in the wood stove. Fascinating, to work on and watch this tiny flame catch and turn into an engulfing, living heat. On nights when I am out of twigs, brush, leaves, etc. I use old papers and articles from graduate school for kindling. While I’d rather burn the former, paper is still a form of tree.

I think about the irony in my pleasure of getting smudged, the smell of the…

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[spaghettibrainoccurence]

Internal Dialog Provides Company

I come home

from a day of efforts made

in consideration for another

A shadow self, a being recessed

guarded, mean, empty

and that other

doesn’t have much for interaction

except with a monitor

glowing all night.

I go out in the morning

amidst a ghost light

and arrive to the same.

While I’m strapped

in isolation,

I start to speak

met with mockery

various forms of control.

I’m aware

of an imposture

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[scribblemousewatch-blog]

Internal dialogue is my friend

I come home

from a day of efforts made

in consideration for another

A shadow self, a being recessed

guarded, mean, empty

and that other

doesn’t have much for interaction

except with a monitor

glowing all night.

I go out in the morning 

amidst a ghost light

and arrive to the same.

While I’m strapped

in isolation,

I start to speak

met with mockery 

various forms of control.

I’m aware

 of an imposture

speaking in tongues

[spaghettibrainoccurence]

card games

I used to play War with the boys

one on one -

bottle of whiskey

and a pale deck of cards.

  Drink now,

draw now,

and reveal your card.

You may crawl into my bed

or I’ll come into yours.

  Borrow a little light

let’s keep the big one off.

Show up at the…

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[spaghettibrainoccurence]

pen to paper, hand to mouth

pen to paper, hand to mouth.

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[spaghettibrainoccurence]

good times

good times.

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[spaghettibrainoccurence]

bad buffet combinations are similar to shopping at wal-mart.

bad buffet combinations are similar to shopping at wal-mart..

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[spaghettibrainoccurence]

you've been casting spells

Your Southern mama’s gonna know, boy.

You’ve been casting spells out in those woods,

out among those trees behind the house -

placing keys on tree stumps,

twisting tongues in verse…

calling the unseen.

  Your Southern mama’s gonna know, boy.

That there…

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[spaghettibrainoccurence]

Coyote visits the chicken pen

Coyote visits the chicken pen.

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[spaghettibrainoccurence]

good times

There have been peaks and valleys filling my last 15 or so days. Since the last post, I’ve been temporarily laid off from my “in-between job.” I’m not sure how long “in-between” will be an applicable term. This is the job that’s been keeping the bills…

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[spaghettibrainoccurence]

Stacking the chips in our favor

I'm working forward with the awareness that my thought processes have previously worked in a task oriented fashion. As an adult, I have functioned in an A to B line to organize my thoughts. Everything can be broken down into steps or a list to complete.

While I think this is necessary to achieve large goals, I have had an awareness - an ah-ha! moment - to toss out the diagram and work from a visionary place. Where all the elements and desired pieces for my life live in one large harmonious bubble. Traditionally I have focused on one element at a time and proceed to wear my brain out with that fixation (pick the end goal, work numerous angles to get there, crash and burn from unsuccessful obsession, move on to next). In this state, I don't enjoy my present time, usually bypass exercise, eating well, laughing...and end up stressed the f*&k out because I haven't achieved some impossible goal within a ridiculous time restriction.

COMPLETE INSANITY. I have been insane my whole adult life. Adulthood will do this to you if you let it sneak by. I didn't live this way as a child. I used to dream in cloudscape, not lines and arrows. The thoughts would mesh or bounce around off of each other, but it was all zen.

This has come to my awareness now that I have been searching for a job. I have a job, but I need a job job. I'm in the information profession in an area full of others just like me. It is rough. And it doesn't help that this profession usually takes for.ev.er. to make a decision and even longer to respond. That's just for a second interview. I just received a rejection, a six week wait. Plus, I'm pretty sure I bombed my first in a long while phone interview, three days ago.

But my whole existence isn't to be a frustrated, snappy mess centered around a societal standard. While a job job needs to happen RIGHT NOW, it actually doesn't need to happen right now. See, I heard myself laugh for the first time in probably two months and it was musical. I did a double take over my own voice.

I'm in the process of re-upping my life. A job job is just a part of the big picture. There's many things I am throwing myself into this year, and not one by one. Writing again is a large part of it, to gain footing and a foundation; gardening as well, and fostering relationships. The whole point is to grow. Stacking the chips in my favor with a vision of life, multiple pieces to work on. When one part is tried, bounce to the next!

[spaghettibrainoccurence]

bad buffet combinations are similar to shopping at wal-mart.

Whether it arrives early or later in life, I think everyone meets the day they swear off the mediocre all you can eat buffet. I have arrived. Buffets and wal-mart are comparable. Both places bring out the easily swayed, aimless aisle wondering self, willing to place unneeded yet mildly appealing items in our carts. Or faces.

You know, when you've gotten what you came for = filled your belly, yet continue to add cheap, generic objects long before the haze of functioning at Id dissipates. Turning into a zombie at all this STUFF!

Hmmph, sprinkles, mmm.

http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/personalityelem.htm

[spaghettibrainoccurence]

snowy, cold, lonely. bright, beautiful, refreshing.

All these expressions in one day, yet also a summary of the past several weeks as winter descended. A little light peaking through this morning heralding the same in the job search. Two upbeat emails this afternoon; one for an interview, another to verify my education. Within a minute, another email. The rejection from a position for which I interviewed nearly seven weeks ago.

That moment of breaking relief in some forward momentum and an answer which I no longer have to wait to hear. Peace in knowing as one opportunity falls away, a better suited opportunity is waiting.

Cold. Refreshing. Beauty.