Phantom Blog

May the words on a screen ever change your life

[elf-slut]

What if you have followers without dick?

Everyone on the Internet has a penis until proven otherwise

[sparkticas-blog]

April 8th - 2:18am

By this time,  No, I still haven’t slept. I am however about to at the conclusion of this post, or so that’s the hope, that I’ll get some sleep. 

I have so much on my mind, sometimes I feel like as humans we never take a second to stop, listen, and think about just how much is flying around the particles of our brain at a million miles an hour, and if by some miracle that you manage to snag a thought on its 9735671st travel path, and you are able to take that brief second and reflect deeper upon it, the more everything rushes around faster in the background, all bidding for a chance to be at the forefront of your conscious mind.

In recent weeks, days and even hours I’ve been taking more time to assess the things I feel, the things I think and the way they affect me and shape my mood and actions. It’s clear to me, that I don't have a distinct understanding of whats going on inside my head, and it worries me...

I know for a fact, that I am in love with someone who will never love me back I know for sure that the people I find attractive, and plainly erotic... do not share my views And I know for certain, that the way I feel, is the same way everyone has, is or will feel at any given point in their life. Its this certainty that helps us all relate in one sense or another. 

You may ask me,  How do I know for a fact that someone, with free will, whose mindset and thoughts are everchanging, will never love me back? Well, for starters, they’re not interested in men, or woman for that matter, in fact... they’re not interested in anyone! It simply doesn’t phase them, they have their friends in which they love. They have characters, icons and celebrities that they may “crush” over, but I think a lot about how I feel, and the love I feel, the affection and affinity towards another person, and how it contrasts to that of someone who can’t even see life through the same lens as me.  Which gets me thinking more, I know the people I find erotic, or attractive, situation dependant, will for sure not feel the same about me, and so I’ve led myself down a narrow road in which I am left to feel guilty, and to feel wrong for viewing someone a way that they wouldn't agree with. It all together can be a bit much to deal with, and the longer I stop to think about it all, the worse it hurts.

I can say that today was a prime example of it getting too much, and I cant for the life of me... figure out whats too much.

[sparkticas-blog]

April 7th 2018 - 11:11am

So,  I’m gonna be hopefully using Tumblr as a platform to share, discuss and mindmap all sorts of different things. It’s an outlet where I can answer questions, chat, share and talk about social issues, personal issues and hopefully spawn some interesting discussions and get others involved and able to relate to the content that I post. 

I wanna apologise in advance for any content that people may deep unacceptable by societies modern day standard, or for anything I say that may come across poorly. My intent is to share, and to start conversations that often people don't like to start.

First and foremost,

Insomnia, “habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep“. To what point, does the unwillingness to sleep cross over from self inflicted exhaustion, over to clinical insomnia? And to what extent can we allow ourselves willingly to avoid sleep? As of now, I haven’t slept in almost 32hrs... I. Simply. Do. Not. Sleep. Personally? I don’t like sleep, I almost wish I didn't need it to survive, cause there is always something I could be doing. I know why I resent sleep, and it only recently started being a thing about 3-4yrs ago, (yeah, real recent I know), when I got into my first serious relationship. I remember reading somewhere,  “You forget how it feels to sleep alone, once you’ve experienced sleeping with someone else.”  And it’s true. As soon as I realised how it felt to not be alone, to not feel so alone, confined in my bed, I never wanted to experience anything outside of that. Thus, for years I trained myself not to sleep, and if I did sleep, it was out of exhaustion from the ridiculous hours I stayed up till, all to convince myself that I was doing it for the right reasons, and they weren’t.  So at what point, do we stop and go,  “Yeah, this isn't right, I cant keep doing this to myself, its unhealthy, both for the lack of sleep, and the belief that I, as myself, cannot sleep unless it is with someone else. I have been so enraptured in this idea of what it all means to be in a relationship, to have that unconditional love and support, that now, living a life of my own outside of a relationship, I have allowed myself to feel even more alone, and even more isolated and cut off from affection and love, and allowed my sleeping patterns to spiral out of control. Acknowledging the problem, is half way to solving it. So how does the human mind complete the other half?

~Ryan

[sparkticas-blog]

Awe

Lend me your ears and hear me out

Have you ever, just stopped where you are?

To gaze at the sky and be taken aback.

To find the beauty in every star,

Relieve the moments on our data track.

~

I looked up to the sky in awe

~

I found happiness in what i saw,

The beauty in the simplicity of it all.

A genuine smile crept from my jaw.

The perfection in something so small.

~

I looked up to the sky in awe

~

The deep blue contrasts these pure angelic clouds,

My shirt and hair flow about the breeze.

I feel alive, that darkness now no longer enshrouds,

The opportunity in this moment I am to seize.

~

I look up to the sky in awe

I feel alive

#life   #happiness   #joy  

[sparkticas-blog]

Memories of an Aching Heart

They say if you truly love something, you’ll let it go, I never thought you’d be the one to let go...

It was a rainy day in late May, the sky had seen no such rays of purer light. Hadn’t seen the light of the sun in days. Instead ominous dark clouds lurked above. The heavy precipitation did wonders to break any attempt at an eerie silence. I liked it. The uproar as raindrops pelted on the window, piercing like needles.

We used to sit here, you and I together. You’d be on my lap and we’d look out unto the view. To sit and watch the sunset or as the day passed by, the trees dancing in the wind. The peaceful stillness of life when everything seemed perfect. Now I sit here alone, left to myself and my thoughts. Reminiscing of what once was. Guess thats why they call it window pane...

I look back, think back further to when we first met. That sweet smile that would always say what words could not. A soft smile that would never cease in reminding me things will be okay. I remember looking upon those pale blue eyes. The way the shone so bright, gleaming in the light of day and sparkling in the dark of night. I always felt a sensation down my spine when they were trained on me. You stood there nervously, shying away as best you could trying to hide your perfect smile. Clad in a baggy hoodie and shorts you awaited for me to approach before throwing yourself into my arms with enough force to send us stumbling backwards. We landed in a heap on the floor. I opened my eyes slowly, and with burning cheeks I find you rather attached to my persons. You're arms wrapped tightly round my waist, face hidden. I could have guessed I wasn’t the only one blushing intently.

Its a memory im not likely to forget. It shall remain with me always, a reminder to better times. When we were happy, when we would laugh and play the days away. I miss those days... I miss...you...

We took the world by the throat, we were a team and we could conquer anything. We (like everyone) had our ups and downs, we had fights, we had hiccups in the road but we always worked it out. Thats one of the many things that I loved so much about you. No matter how much we cried, no matter what we said or what we felt, you were always there for me, and I was always there for you. Its how we worked. “The Dream Team”

But once again I am shaken from my thoughts, still sitting as I had been, staring out into what could be described as nothing. Into darkness, into emptiness. I think I much prefer living in my head I think to myself, its so much nicer to me, things are better there...we’re together there...

I think its on days like these i feel like the world reflects me. Just as the water reflects the sky, a perfect mirror portraying such untruths. Just as water appears to be blue the world appears to be sad. For me.

A selfish thought that had stricken me, left me breathless. The sky has been crying, mimicking my actions. The purest of white clouds had faded to nothing but grey and black, mimicking my once pure happy mind, now plagued with dark greys and blacks influencing my character and behaviour. They say if you truly love something, you’ll let it go. I never thought it’d be you who let go. You said I didn’t know you, deep down we knew I did. You (like I) hated to be alone, hated it (like I) when I was forced to leave. One day...you walked away...only this time you didn’t return...

[sparkticas-blog]

Savior

As I sit here in this mocking silence, I have learnt what it means to be truly alone. I never much liked Friday nights. Mum would go out drinking and dad was just never around, not like we got on all that well so I guess it was for the best. The eerie silence broken by that only of the clock, a constant tick tock a mockery to my ears. It plays on my emotions, my fears and my weaknesses, it taunts me as i sit here at the head of my bed, bundled up in my blanket. Not like my jersey and jeans were doing much to keep me warm, but the blanket acted in the form of physical comfort thus its company made the emptiness seem that little bit more bearable.

You ever hear something in the night and ponder the endless possibilities of just what it could be? The rapping of a branch on the window, surely something was trying to get in. Hear the blood in your ears and listen as it pounds, surely they are the footsteps of something approaching... this is in essence... my mind.

It had rained all day. It was nice lying in bed listening to it before I had got up this morning, now, here, alone I only wished for it to return. That indescribable sound as it pelted the windows, piercing needle like drops enough to make me tremble. The occasional flash of lightning that would do little to settle my nerves, everything being cast in a demonic and imposing shadow was something I now longed for, to be thinking, “was that a figure I saw? ...Perhaps I am seeing things” I tiredly rub my eyes. The dark plays tricks on ones mind, these mind games are what keep me awake at night, sleepless, tossing and turning trying to drown out the negativity that plagues my thoughts.

A noise shakes me from my trance and i am attuned to the sound. My heart pounds and my body shakes. “no one was due home anytime soon...could it be...?” I shake my head, “‘tis not so and i shan’t dwell on such a thing.” I slowly rise to look in the direction of the noise. My head hurts and I feel sick but I am only reminded of my patheticness as I am taken aback by the familiar sound of buzzing, not like that of a bee nor that of a fly but my phone. It lights up, illuminating the once darkened room. I cautiously edge over to it, its a notification, it seems I had a signal once again. Things seemed to be going right but a misplaced step sends me backwards onto my bed. Startled I hold the phone close, my source of protection, so long as i have light I’ll be okay. I had a been sent a skype message (the perks of having mobile data really showing through in the absence of power, thus the wifi being inactive) it was from “her”. An overwhelming sense of calm washes over me, my fear abolished, my mind clear. Shut off from the outside world now living in the cyber world. The message simply reads:

 “h-hallo? Is y-ye there...?” 

I hastily reply with, “h-hallo, yes im here. What are you doing?” I had someone, had a distraction, no.. She was more than that..my “saviour” and there is no greater person than i could’ve received a message from. I felt safe, lost in the words on the screen, the darkness, the silence and the pain broken by this trivial happening.

“n-nothing, what is ye doing?” 

“I’m s-scared...im alone and there is no sound...”

“I’m alone too...will ye keep me c-company?” 

I guess in the end no one is alone, she was in the same shoes as me. She was alone and afraid to. I picture her soft greyish-blue eyes, softly sparkling in the dull light of her room, the sweet smile that outshines the darkness, i become oblivious to the once saddening darkness that had encroached upon me, the silence that had mocked me, they slowly begin to fade into nothing.

I am able to be strong, for her, for myself. From this one small act I feel as though I should be there for her and suddenly my fears go away somehow. I muster up the courage to reply, “Of course Boo *heart emoji* I’m here, and so are you, everything shall be okie” The distance between us made it hard to physically console her, to console myself with the sensation of holding her in my arms, but having her here, the distance seemed so few and I was able to find the comfort we needed in words. It was better than nothing and it more than sufficed.

By now I lay, sprawled out on my bed, intimately staring at the small cellular device eagerly awaiting a reply. I had no cares for anything around me, I wasn’t scares, I wasn’t cold. I was more than content how I was. She informed me how she had been alone all day, now resting in her bed, she longed for company. The once eerie silence, forever broken with the soft vibration of my phone, the quiet giggle from my persons, exchanging messages back and forth caught in a timeless rift, the minutes and hours tick by before even I am brought into realisation of my tired state.

Through tiring eyes, I am able to happily see us both off to sleep, immune to my surroundings, my head resting on a pillow, my eyes growing heavy I had learnt what it meant to feel truly alone, but “she” had saved me from my isolation. I never much liked Friday nights, but this one hadn’t been so bad. I reminisce as my eyes close and I am inducted into a realm of dreams as I drift off into sleep.

~ Ryan Gill

[sparkticas-blog]

That Day in July [WIP]

“Untill death did us part...”

~July 13th, 1:30pm ~

All had arrived, every member of family, that could have, had arrived. Friends stood to one side chatting as the adults proceeded to greet eachother with extended hugs and the light peck on the cheek. A formal and natural custom at such an event.

The atmosphere hung low, the sun behind the clouds that plagued the sky in a dull and dreary grey. As if the weather could have been anything else... Spark thought to himself. He stood to one side, alone and almost invisible. Suits weren’t a common sight on Spark, thus the adornment of one made him feel uncomfortable and out of place within himself. But formality was an expectation, and Spark wasnt one to make a fuss at such a trivial and insignificant matter.

~ 2:01pm ~

The last few late stragglers had arrived via vehicle and were now being escorted alongside friends, family, and Spark inside and seated for the days formalities to begin. Every seat was filled, and people of all shapes, sizes and ages were spread out amongst the space. Partners sat together hands clasped together tight. Friends sat in a row together quietly whispering amongst themselves and Spark sat the second row from the front. He knew a couple people in the room but none of which seemed to be close to him. He sat silently staring at the ground, more rather into space.

[sparkticas-blog]

The Dark Forest

Once upon time as all stories begin, there lived a beautiful young girl. A girl of fair brown/goldish hair and eyes of a misty blue tint. She lived an isolated life, confined to the castle that serve as her prison. She resided alone and was forced to fend for herself. The young girl had one day hoped to leave the confined hovel and venture out, beyond the courtyard and outward. Her day would soon come...

One late evening, upon a rough happening of a day, the girl lay down to rest her head and tend to her heavy eyelids, but she did not sleep, kept awake by the thoughts that plagued her mind. She had, had it with her life as it was, and so oblivious to her own fears she ventured out of her room and down the dark corridors until she reached the front gate.

These gates shall hold me back no longer..

The girl closed her eyes and took a few steps forward. She continued, on and on. Until when she finally opened her eyes she stood at the entrance to dark forest. The trees loomed high, their dense foliage blocking all but a few rays of moonlight that beckoned from above. They stood tall, close together and thick. Behind her lay the smouldering ruins of a once impenetrable castle...

The girl motioned on, curious as to what awaited inside. She ventured for what she could imagine as days, before she finally stopped to assess where she was, ever lost, hungry and tired. The girl had seen no sign of anyone or even a clearing, she became distraught, frantically spinning on her heel, desperately trying to find a means of escape...She ran to and fro’ searching for a beacon of light, a source in which to follow but she could see none. She shouted out, hoping someone may be near by and could aid her. Moments passed...no reply...she yelled again....silence. The echo rung in her ears and she fell to her knees sobbing softly. The girl tilted her head to the sky, the tears streaming down her face, glimmering in the moonlight, she screamed and clenched her fists tight, pounding the ground with all her might.

What was to become of her? What was this place and where was she? Will anyone find her here?

Minutes passed before she stumbled to her feet and slumped against a near by tree, wiping the tears from her eyes she silently wished to not be alone in this world. The thought repeating itself in her head, over and over until she screamed it out.

“DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE IN THIS WORLD! I cannot and will not tolerate such a saddening fate...”

The pain stricken girl fell once again to her knees and a fresh stream of tears now strung from her soft cheeks. With all hope lost she abandoned the concept of hope, fearing she may never see another human again.

“Do not weep my darling child, ye has no need to be alone in this world” a voice calmly proclaimed. The girl looked up startled and confused, she now gazed upon a tall figure, a boy. His red hair reflecting the moon’s rays, his soft eyes trained on her. He motioned forward ever so slowly, a hand outstretched.

“My poor poor dear, are you okay? Please, let me help you to your feet”

The girl sniffled and cautiously took the hand of the boy, slowly rising to her feet she remained staring downward. Too nervous to make eye contact. She could not make words, her vocal chords frozen. Instead she stood there waiting for him to make the first move...

“Pardon me, where are my manors” the boy stood back and bowed respectfully “My name is Ryan, but ye can call me Spark” he said with a shy grin. “And whom may i ask, do I have the honor of acquainting? Surely a girl as pretty as you has a name equal to go with” he added with a slight smirk.

The girl looked up taken aback by the remake, he cheeks burned red and her eyes wide in shock. She froze, and from her lips she murmured, “n-n-nibble....n-nibble is m-my n-n-name...”

Spark bowed again, “an honor to meet you, Nibble, you must forgive me for my abrupt arrival. I had been wondering these woods in search of my true love, i had heard her voice resound from afar. So beautiful and so afraid i came in search for her.” He paused “...and i do believe i have found her” Silence ensued.

~~~

With the help of Spark, Nibble was able to escape the dark forest once and for all. Nibble stopped abruptly just outside of the forest and turned to look behind her. What she saw, lay the once darkened forest now a pile of embers. This dark forest shall keep me in darkness no longer. With this realised she had no place she could call home. Spark too looked in the direction of Nibble and realised this. He walked over to her and threw his arms around her.

“Stay with me. So long as we’re together my heart will always be your home” He smiled sweetly and extended his hand once more, he uttered in a gentle voice, “together”

Nibble took ahold of Spark’s hand and they ventured far from the place they’d met.

Spark took great care of Nibble. He fed her and taught her many things of the world around them. Spark too learnt many things from Nibble as they went along.

Over the coming years, the pair grew closer and they shared many beautiful memories together. On a very extraordinary night. Underneath the stars in early May, Spark went down on one knee and looked up at the love of his life. His nervous eyes locked onto hers and mustered the courage to put forth four simple words: “Will you marry me?”

Nibble taken aback by the unexpected gesture threw herself onto Spark crying happily. “YUS!” she repeated, “YUS YUS YUS”. Thus the couple were wed on an eve in July, with the ring on their fingers the string of fate tied. Spark vowed to always be there for Nibble, and took take her as his wife. Promising to be true to her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse he would love her “until death do us part”.

They continued to live happily ever after together, and soon to be a family with a baby boy on the way, they went about living each day as the sun rose and relishing in the moments they shared as it went down. Everything was, perfect. The girls dream come true.

~ The End~

[sparkticas-blog]

The Meadow

It was their favourite time of year. The flowers were blooming, the trees were fresh and vibrant with their new sets of green leaves so full of life. The sun was out without a cloud in the sky to disturb its natural glow, the wind a gentle breeze only disrupting the blades of grass that filled the open meadow swaying softly back and forth

The two walked hand in hand to their usual spot. Atop of the hill that lay on the far side of the Meadow, the couple would set up and sit down to enjoy a beautiful picnic together. They had done so for years and it now really was nothing other than a tradition.

They sun sat directly above them, shining down bearing warmth upon them. They giggled and played as they set out their blanket and went about their peaceful lunch.

They sat and talked of past memories, filling the quiet meadow with laughter and joy. They exchanged salad sandwiches and toiled over cakes and pastries.

Time stood still for the two of them. A concept with no meaning. They walked amongst daisies and sunflowers rejoicing in the beauty and of each other's company until finally they looked to the big blue above them and saw that the light was fading, for the sun was to set and they were to be its witness. And so, the two, smiles brimming on their faces sat down on yonder hill, hands clasped, in which her head lay on his shoulder, they watched the blues fade into reds, to oranges and to yellows, and it to be so the couple walked hand in hand back the way in which they came as the light behind them withered and ceased to exist. Replaced by that of a thousand twinkling stars. Each one shone brightly for them.

It was their favourite time of year.

~ Spark

[sparkticas-blog]

So It Begins

Well look whose adding yet another social media to my long list of ones I own hehe.

This is my blog, itll have stories pictures, poems, ideas, quotes god you name it haha. Knowing me it wont be active for long but ill try!

Ill be active if you stay active, deal? Done!