Hi Bestfriends!

A Peek into My Mind

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...soon

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So funny!!!

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NEW DESIGN! Hi Bestfriends! I am putting this out here and I am going to commit to two posts a week starting February! With Light and Love...

...

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2017...

Well there goes 2016 and here comes a new year again , a new year to ruin my life yet again, I'm not looking for pity but its a vicious cycle...All i want more than anything is to just disappear...

I don’t know whats real anymore and I am at a point where I’m hustling working, school, eating , sleeping, repeat, and there’s this voice, faint at first and then LOUD:

“You are so worthless, fat, ugly, just die already”

All I want to do is shut that voice and grant its wish...ugh, I am so sorry for this post but I am at my wits end here...

[saturnd]

Connor Franta, “Note to Self” Trailer.

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I waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I'm afraid I'll stutter.

― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

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Coming soon...

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to the void...

I am going to be really honest here because it might make me feel a bit better about myself. I have a problem. A BIG BIG PROBLEM! I tend to not think when it gets to meeting new people and hanging out with them and all that’s going through my mind is...

“...keep them interested Sparky! Just keep on buying them stuff...”

I am not a very interesting person. I tend to bend the truth most of the time to avoid being hurt and rejected. All that anxiety builds a lot of pressure inside and a human being can only take so much and I am about to reach my peak. I can no longer keep doing this anymore, it hurts to talk about it and at times hurt to breathe. Just feel like shutting down and just wish things would be easier and I know I have the ability to make it so but the temptation of avoiding everything all together seems too easy and comfortable ....

Until my next post I apologize for this rant void...but its easier for me to just type things out before I think of doing something stupid...

-K

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Update...

Hi there! It's been a month of Sundays since I posted on here... A lot of crap happened and just to make this post quick... I've lost all the connections I tried to make... Wish this post would be happier...

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just be kind to people :))

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My Anxiety very High

It may seem that majority of my posts here are very “doom and gloom” but I really don't mean it ...

I have so many things to be grateful for but I just feel so alone in my travels throughout this journey called LIFE. I have people from Church, my work is is my family, and some friends, school.. but I just feel like I always resort back to wanting to buy their friendship. To be honest I don’t have anything to offer to them. Inside I want to scream out:

“I am Kristian! I am very kind person, honest (maybe too honest), have lots of LOVE to give and is very generous with a big HEART” 

Yet my anxiety just crushes that very core of me and either runs away or buy the people in my life. I am so nervous after my stay at my current place, the unknown just really frightens me because I really don't want to let go of what I work hard at. I am in University! Never in a million years I would be attending school again because I always think I am not worthy of it. So many good things happened and it could all be taken away because I can be homeless again. Maybe I am meant to be this miserable because every time I turn a good corner,  that negative thoughts creep up...

Again I apologise for this negative rant but I’ll try my best to pray and count my many blessings...

As always all I want for y’all is to LOVE a lot, be kind to one another, smile loads and have an abundance of happiness!

-Sparky

[thearticsoul]

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My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at His feet

Mahatma Gandhi

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In A Bad Mood...Change It For the Betta!

I was feeling a bit blah this am before class and thought...hmm...if I continue thinking this way my whole day will be blah... (not very logical, I know) Upon remembering reading my favorite author and motivational speaker to day @thepoetproject “change your way of thinking”... it hit me! I am gonna wear my Mickey Mouse jumper, put on some comfortable trackie bottoms, and my favorite Mickey Mouse hat! Mickey Mouse has always put a big ol’ smile to my chubby face so why not, positive thinking ! As added bonus I paired everything with my Eleven Paris Mickey rucksack 😉

As I walked out the door saw a bit of sun in the sky as it was cloudy today... I smiled thanked God for another day of LIFE and went on the bus to school. I instantly felt better. Mind you it’s not all about the clothes for some but for me it was and something about reminding myself how happy I get when I wear my Mickey Mouse apparel was a mood booster and thanks to a bit of reasonable advice from Humble the Poet I was set!

Change your bad thoughts for a positive one and  y’all... see how much it changes your day! Have a fabulous weekend, as always wishing everyone an abundance of love, joy, laughter and kindness!