I can’t drown my demons they learned how to swim...
You ever wonder how life brought you to this exact moment in time. How you managed to stumble upon this exact train of thought? Yeah well neither have I; My point being is here we are and we’re miserable. I mean what can you expect from hours of self loathing and criticizing. You had to know that at some point you'd end up here. How did I become this way, was it my own self sabotage or was it another's doing. That is something I doubt I'll ever be able to answer but what I can tell you is that I wish it wasn't this way. The worst part about this is that sometimes I doubt whether or not I'm strong enough to pull myself out of this horrid darkness. And that ladies and gentlemen is where we get down to the nitty and gritty details of it all that I'm afraid. Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted to hear all along? I am utterly terrified of being alone....and that's not even the best part, I'm so terrified of this that I hardly let people get close to me. In my head it makes sense...being alone is better then having people reject or leave you right? The logical answer to that should be no because the moment that you’re alone the darkness creeps back in reminding you of how worthless and unworthy you are. That my friends is the repetitive thought process here is that no matter how many diets I go one to be that “perfect size” or how much make up I buy to enhance my “natural beauty” or that clothes that I carefully select day in and day out to carefully hide my insecurities, I will NEVER be enough for someone...I am forever and always doomed to be alone. I beg you though please refrain with the “you just haven't found your someone” or “your perfect person will come along when you least expect it” bullshit...That is something that you throw at people you feel sorry for or to make yourself feel better about your own situation. How long exactly am I supposed to wait for said person huh??? Don't even get me started on trying to start dating ok because that shit sucks. You get so excited to see all of these potential suiters that have an interest in you for what is most likely based on your skillfully taken profile picture only to then leave you on read or block you because you aren't DTF...Sorry not sorry but I will NEVER be someone's play thing to dispose of whenever they so choose, I have more self respect then that thank you very much. Now if you happen to find that person who seems promising they either turn into a crazy person or they don't even bother putting in all the effort required to get to know you. Like come on man a simply “hey I’m busy” or even sending the first text for once so I don't seem like a CLINGY bitch would be greatly appreciated! Not to mention the extreme rarity that you find a decent person and they come up with every fucking excuse in the book why they can’t meet you. Like I'm sorry but you have enough time to see your friends or spend all day on snapchat but god forbid you get off your ass to meet me!?!?! I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED AND RESPECTED IS THAT SO HARD TO FUCKING ASK!! Again my whole point being is that I try so hard and once again nothing I ever do is good enough....It’s so hard living in this brain and having it torment me daily. Desperate attempts at relief never succeed, Therapy is too expensive and all medication does is temporary numb the pain. I've so often lost hope and let the darkness return to consume me because its easier then trying to fight it off. Depression and anxiety seem to be so common now a days, yet it is still so widely ignored by many as a desperate attempt for attention. How dare you sit there and try and tell me that what I feel and what millions of other people feel is invalid; then you wonder why 123 people on average commit suicide per day. Do me a favor and the next time someone reaches out for help don't be a dick and think they’re doing it for attention. I for one am basically for the most part a ticking time bomb waiting to release all sorts of emotion....but for now I’m going to continue to be the “bad bitch” I like to pretend I am and carry on with a smile on my face and this secret kept tucked away in my pocket.
