Do you watch bridgerton? If yes what do you think of the eloise x cressida theories
oh. oh my gosh. yes, i've watched Bridgerton (still haven't gotten around to the second half of the latest season), and yes, i am familiar with Eloise and Cressida.
since i haven't seen the newest part of the season yet, i don't quite know what happened to them, but i've seen clips and images and the like on all my socials. i've also got a pair of eyes and the ability to comprehend subtext, so, like... ya, i ship 'em. or at the very least, think there is something other than friendship between the two of them.
i only read the first book of the series, but i know the gist of the rest, so i have a rough understanding of that. but i also know the show does deviate in some areas from the books.
i also have this vivid memory of watching the first season when it first came out and thinking that Eloise was queer. like there were just these things that i could see in her and understood so deeply because i knew that they were in me too. there are also so many things in Cressida, especially in the first part of season 3, that just made my heart ache because i so clearly remember seeing those things in myself years ago.
i won't bore you all with a longwinded explanation of their relationship, because i genuinely think there are people who have already said it all and said it better than i ever could. but i love them so much and would die on any hill that Cressida is deeply in love with Eloise and has buried those feelings so deep inside her. big fan of the enemies-to-friends-to-(hopefully)lovers trope set in the regency era too!
anyway, not that you asked, but here are some of my fav fics of them:
my heart is the seed of time
something more tender, still than friendship
the connection is all here, in the flat of bone
accept my suit (this time around)
staring at the sky (come back and pick me up)
also also, if you like Eloise and Cressida, you may enjoy Don't Want You Like a Best Friend by Emma Alban. that book was just so lovely and had me smiling and giggling throughout.
I don't read your Becca fics because I haven't played tfs yet, but I have read Queen b, and I gotta say your poppy fics are just top tier. I think the community is really lucky to have you as a writer contributing to the fandom. I hope one day you find a spark for Poppy again and write more
thank you, friend! that’s really very kind of you to say :)
i like to think that i’m still writing, only it is definitely less frequently now. i’m working and studying full time again, so unfortunately something has to give. but i’m sure i’ll be back soon enough! i’ve taken hiatuses before but i always come back.
thank you again! hope you’re taking care of yourself.
It's been a while since I saw the Becca tag alive, so I just wanted to request something before it's too late.
No worries if you cannot do it, I just wanted to ask...
Could you maybe write a jelaous Becca in a non-toxic way? Since I romanced Kaitlyn before Becca, it could be something along the lines of Kaitlyn wanting to get back together and Becca and MC are still hiding their relationship...pretty please 😊
Love your writing by the way ❤️❤️❤️
after an absolute eternity, i present to you... this!
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it's not jealousy. it's just-- it's curiosity, is what it is.
Becca's at the drinks table getting a refill--her hand hovers over the fruity concoction Zach made earlier in the day. it smells awful but tastes okay, bit too sweet but drinkable. she settles on a tequila sprite mix and makes it a double when she spots Alex and Kaitlyn leaning close around the edge of the yard.
so it is curiosity that she feels, but there's irritation too and she hates that it's there at all. because she knows that Alex and Kaitlyn are friends, but sometimes it bugs her. just a little bit.
the point isn't that she's worried or doesn't trust Alex. because she does trust her--more than she thinks she's ever trusted anyone before, and maybe that's part of what's making her scared. but that's definitely a conversation for another day.
no, the point is that she has to act like it's all fine even though it's not and she can't just go up to them and cause a scene--
"hey, stranger."
Becca jumps at Alex's voice but still feels herself ease a little against her. not enough to be noticed, just enough to feel the light brush of her fingers.
"hey." Becca takes a sip of her drink and thinks she may have made it a triple by mistake. she pulls a face and offers it to Alex.
"what is it?" Alex asks. she cups her hand around Becca's as she takes the cup.
"tequila and sprite. think i made it too strong."
"you don't like tequila." Alex takes a small sip and makes a face too. definitely too strong.
"i don't, just..." she shrugs. "what were you and Kaitlyn talking about."
Alex sighs and returns the cup to Becca's hand. she takes a step away and Becca feels the cold air of late October immediately. they've probably only got a few more weekends of outdoor parties until it gets too cold. shame, because it really is nice: the lights and stars and gentle ground beneath her feet.
"sorry, i didn't-- i'm not trying to make it bigger than it needs to be. i know you two are friends, i just-- i'm curious."
"hey, it's okay," Alex takes Becca's hand softly behind the table and squeezes. "come on, we should probably talk."
Becca's eyes go wide.
"no! sorry, not that. no." Alex squeezes her hand again and Becca can see the way she's itching to lean forward and press a kiss to her cheek to soothe her insecurities. "sorry."
"it's okay. follow me?"
Alex nods. Becca keeps their hands linked as they slip away from the backyard party. she leads them inside and upstairs to her room. far enough away so that the music softens to a gentle thump.
"so," Becca starts, "having a fun night?"
"Kaitlyn said she wants to get back together."
Becca can tell, even in the low light, by the look on Alex's face that she hadn't meant to just spit it out like that.
"sorry, i didn't mean to--"
"no you don't--" Becca moves a step closer, wants to reach out but isn't sure how to. "what did you tell her?"
Alex tips her head to the side and she gets this look that Becca's only seen a handful times. it's a rare look, only comes out when Alex is genuinely confused and trying to understand something.
"what do you--"
"you two have a history so the situation is obviously far from ideal, especially since we all live together--"
Alex leans forward and pulls Becca against her. she kisses her hard and desperate, like she's trying to tell her something, make her understand something.
"oh." they pull apart and it takes Becca a moment to realise that she's pushed Alex up against the door. she moves to step away but Alex drops her arms to Becca's waist and holds her in place.
"okay, first of all, i have no intention of just picking someone else and leaving you. we're taking this slow, and i think that's a good thing. what we have is special and important."
"i'm sensing a but." Becca tries to laugh but it doesn't feel right.
"not but. just that. plain and simple." Alex squeezes Becca's waist.
"i told her that i'm not interested and maybe that was too harsh, but i didn't want to tell her that i was seeing someone because then she'd ask questions and i don't want to lie but i also know that you're not ready and that's fine--"
"Alex, breathe, it's okay."
"no, it's not okay, because she wouldn't have asked me that if she knew about us, and i'm not trying to pressure you, okay? i would never. i just wish that i could say i'm unavailable and have that be the end of it until we're ready."
Alex finishes her speech and tips her head back against the door.
Becca knows that so much of this could be easier if she was more adjusted, but she knows--knows in her bones and cells and heart--that Alex is telling the truth. she's not pressuring her, she's just frustrated that nothing around them is letting them move at their own pace.
"unavailable, huh?" Becca smirks and watches the way that Alex shifts, embarrassed, under her gaze.
"well, i just-- i mean--"
"i like it."
"really?"
Becca hums and nods. she fixes a loose piece of Alex's hair behind her ear and cups her cheek gently. "i'm not saying we have to do a whole announcement."
"you don't want to scream from the roof how much you like me? i'm hurt, really." Alex pulls a face but only manages two seconds before she's grinning again.
Becca can't help but smile just as wide too. "all i'm trying to say is that i wouldn't mind if you wanted to tell people you're unavailable, or whatever. doesn't need to be specific."
"we're unavailable together. i like it. it's cute."
"i know it's not ideal but--"
"hey, it's fine." Alex lowers herself just an inch against the door so she's eye-level with Becca. "at our own pace, remember."
Becca softens. "thank you."
"of course." Alex kisses her quickly. "now do you wanna go back right now?"
"i'm sure they'll be fine without us for ten more minutes."
"only ten? i was thinking at least fifteen."
"oh really?"
"twenty might actually be better now that i think about it."
Becca laughs as she leans in again and feels a heavy weight lift from her shoulders.
idk if you or anyone else here are familiar with the show Stoked? it was this animated tv show from the late 2000s/early 2010s and was just such a fun show to watch.
now i'm just imaging the whole freshman squad as the characters from the show.
Becca is for sure giving Lo vibes. like she starts out as this spoiled teenager who would do just about anything to avoid association with the surfing culture around her, and has to learn all these important life skills. and then she goes on this giant journey of growth and personal understanding. she desperately craves the approval of her father but always, somehow, is just shy of achieving it. and through it all, she learns to love something she thought she wouldn't and connects, perhaps for the first time, deeply and truly with other people. she finds her people. the people who see her and support her and want to help her.
and at the end, when she's finally presented with her father's approval, something she has been chasing for years, she decides it's not worth it. because accepting his approval would be to undo all of the work she's done on herself.
anyway idk if this is what you're imaging too, anon, but it's what springs to my mind :)
I recently played through Becca's route again and was reminded why I love her so much. I don't know if you've ever done this, but have you ever done a relationship analysis for Becca x mc? I love the way you write them and am curious how you view them. :D
i’ve definitely touched on briefly here and here why i love them so much individually and together but i’m always happy to share more of my thoughts.
i think the big appeal for me is the transformation of their relationship. like growth and change are such fundamental parts of being loved and loving someone in return, so to sort of see that in their relationship… it just really hits deep in my heart.
we watch them change individually for, i would say, the first four books of the freshman series. and we are given small moments throughout where we get to see how they interact and navigate this change. and then at the end of book four we get to see this really sweet moment where the MC invites Becca to be part of something significant to her. like it’s obviously a turning point in their relationship, but i think the fact that it’s about trust and openness that only exists because of their individual change and transformation often gets lost when people talk about their relationship.
and then as the series continues to progress we get to see how they’ve both matured from when we first met them to how they then exist together. and you can just see that so much of their relationship and developing love is based on respect. and they started as enemies, so obviously they need to change and respect each other or else it just wouldn’t work! and i actually think the junior does a really great job of showing just how far their relationship has come. for all its faults, the junior is a story that focuses largely on the MC and her relationship with herself and her partner. it’s probably the first time we see them at their most adult. it’s been a while since i’ve played the book, but i just remember thinking about how authentic their relationship felt. looking back it’s definitely so similar to moments in my own relationships when i entered my 20s.
and then, after all of this, we get rewarded with the senior, which yes does have its own issues, but does actually feel like such an authentic end to their story. so much of what the MC goes through there i went through and am currently going through, so i know just how hard it is to not only make time for another person, but to also get lucky enough to find someone who has obviously spent a significant amount of time reflecting and learning and growing.
so to summarise:
they grow individually which allows them to grow together
their relationship is born from a place of understanding and respect
they approach issues in their relationship with the knowledge of what it took to get them there
okay because this post of mine got me thinking thinking thinking about Taylor Swift lyrics, i firmly believe that Dress is so Becca thinking about the MC coded and yes, i will probably write something about it
(Gonna use Queen B MC's default name because fucking Bea is a perfect name for her)
I have so much to get off my chest about this rn -> i'm chewing through my bars
!!! So the thing about Queen B is that there's only two LIs right? But Bea gets the option to flirt with and sleep with a whole bunch of other people. And the difference between these two sets of choices are shown by the icon that appears when you have a romantic moment with them.
So for the two LIs any romantic/sexual moment is followed by a -> ❤️
And for casual flirting/hookups it's followed by a -> 👄
And in Book 1, you get multiple opportunities to romance the two LIs but only about a couple opportunities per character to flirt with the other characters
And then, in Book 2, suddenly, this changes! Suddenly, you're getting almost as many chances to flirt with/sleep with Poppy (Bea's arch fucking enemy) as you are to romance the two LIs. But still her icon firmly remains as 👄.
Because she's not a Love Interest. Bea and Poppy hate each other. They're constantly trying to ruin each other's lives in the most Evil ways possible. At most they're enemies-with-benefits having a hatefuck to work out the tension. Bea straight up just Evil Laughs while thinking about killing Poppy using her bare hands on a regular basis
But then,
But Then, it starts becoming obvious that they're having fun together. Whether they're plotting the other's ultimate downfall or just sniping at each other this is fun for them. Bea accuses Poppy of never having met anyone more interesting & fun than her, and Poppy accuses Bea of being obsessed with her. And they're both right.
And then Bea starts joking about Poppy being in love with her, which Poppy never outright denies
And then Poppy compares Bea to a dog follwing her around, and Bea cheerfully reminds Poppy that she likes dogs, and not only does Poppy not deny it, she agrees by saying she's always had a thing for strays
And then Poppy starts saying insanely romantic things while they dance together, like how Bea makes her more herself/ths best version of herself (more cunning, manipulative and straight up evil of course)
And then Bea starts calling Poppy adorably cute nicknames like "Pop" and "Poptart" (while obviously ruining her life of course)
And then at one point when Bea teases Poppy about liking her and gets a scoff in return the achievement that pops up is "De-nial isn't only a river"
But through this all, it's still 👄. Because it's not Romance. They're still gleefully trying to tear each other down to use the other as a stepping stool to their own success. There's no actual Romantic feelings here, right? They're just flirting with their enemy as one more thing they can hold over the other. They're just flying a little too close to the sun.
And then at the end of Book 2 if you choose Bea's final moments after the gala to be spent with Poppy, you skip ahead to the graduation;
Rightfully, this should be It for Poppy & Bea. The last day they see each other. They don't ever have to meet again. Not after all the horrible things they've done to each other. Nothing binds them.
There are reasons why Bea will still be involved with the two Actual LIs because Zoey is her best friend & partner in crime, and Ina/Ian has instant sexual chemisty with her and is fully in love with Bea whether or not you choose any romantic options for them. There's nothing like that binding Poppy to Bea. Because even if they do have fun together they also spend an awful lot of time wishing to never see the other again - and now there's no more excuse left for them.
There's a difference between ❤️ & 👄 characters, and it's made obvious from the beginning that there's nothing more to 👄 options, there no strings attached at all. So that's the end.
Unless, Bea spends her last moments of the gala with Poppy.
Because then, during her graduation speech she starts talking about the most important person to her in Uni, the one who made the biggest impact in her life, the one she can't let go of, and it's Poppy. And it's all said with a sincere yet mocking edge to it, because that's what they's like. And Poppy is fucking furious. And where Bea & the LIs would have exchanged "I love you"s here, Bea & Poppy exhange a "I loathe you"
And then you know what happens, you know what fucking happens!!???
A Fucking ❤️ pops up and the entire series just ends.
Do you see why I'm tearing my hair out!???? The end of the fucking Queen B series is the start of Bea x Poppy's actual romance. It's an open ending for them and the only thing you can do is imagine where they go from here and it's beautiful. They're always gonna be plotting to destroy the other and they're always gonna daydream about the other's death by their hand but now they're going to do it while falling in love.
based on this post i made recently because i have zero chill.
OR, the one where they meet again years later and maybe hate isn’t what we think it is.
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Poppy hates her immediately. again.
a loud laugh rips through the ball room, slides seamlessly between mingling guests and gentle music. Poppy's attention snaps away from her parents' friend's cousin's son who's droning on about rowing and his private equity firm and about how it was oh so lovely to summer in Florence this year.
Poppy sips her drink, makes an effort to not roll her eyes, and tries to focus back on what... Angus or Anthony (something with an A, she thinks) had been saying.
and then there's the laugh again--loud and alive and unapologetic. no one else seems bothered by it. no one else even bats an eye at the disruption.
Poppy cranes her head to look around the ballroom now, fully forgetting about Arthur or Andrew and everything he had been saying. and then she sees her.
her in the dark dress shimmering in the light like the goddamn inky black midnight sky. her with the toned arms and long fingers holding gently onto a flute of champagne. Poppy's eyes dip to the slit in her dress that runs dangerously high up her thigh. up, up, up and then--
Poppy sees her face.
and she thinks no, it can't be.
and the universe hums and says oh, yes, it can be.
she flips her hair over her shoulder and for one glorious second, the world around them stops, they share a quiet smile that hides years of unsaid truths, and Poppy thinks that maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to get out of this unscathed.
then the world roars back into focus, she is smirking now, and Adam or Alexander is gently touching her arm and asking if she's alright.
"sorry, what was that?" Poppy says, blinking it all away and trying not to think about her racing heart.
"i was asking if you wanted to go for a walk," he says, "my place isn't too far from here."
"oh, uh, no, thank you." Poppy tips back the rest of her drink, leaves the empty glass on the table, and ventures deeper into the ballroom, hoping that she can get lost for the next few hours.
she grabs another flute of champagne from a passing waiter, takes one long sip, and decides that it's too claustrophobic inside. she can feel a warmth in her cheeks and a tingling itchiness beneath her skin.
she steps out into a small outdoor area, where the sounds of the party are muffled by the thick stone walls. Poppy decides that she will give herself one minute. one minute to breathe and freak out and curse out whatever force of the universe thought that this would be funny. one minute to do all of that and then pack it up and go back inside with her head held high as she braces for an assault of questions from her parents about why she screwed up yet another perfect and ideal match.
god forbid she be a person and not some status symbol for her parents.
Poppy's just about to go back inside, just about to pack it all back in, when she turns around and comes face to face with her--AJ Hughes.
"i thought i saw you across the room," AJ says as she reaches out to gently push a loose piece of hair behind Poppy's ear.
Poppy flinches away from the touch.
"ouch, really?"
"what do you want?"
AJ shrugs and actually has the audacity to look shy or nervous or unsure. Poppy has never hated anything the way that she hates that.
"i just thought..." AJ starts.
"thought what? that you'd walk back into my life after six years and try make a mess of it again? i am the best i have ever been and i don't need you dragging me down to your level. so if you don't mind--" Poppy pushes past AJ and at the last possible second, AJ reaches for Poppy's hand.
there's barely any contact. AJ's fingers barely touch her hand, but it's enough to make Poppy stop and look back at her. it's enough to send a spark of energy coursing through her veins and setting her nerve endings alight.
Poppy snaps her hand back. she doesn't say anything, can't say anything because the shock of it all renders her brain to mush and has her heart beat thundering in her chest.
she makes her escape quickly after that. doesn't say anything to AJ as she leaves her alone outside. doesn't even bother to say anything to her parents--she'll take the verbal lashing tomorrow when she wakes up hours after them and they accuse her of all sorts of things.
the outside air is cool against her flushed cheeks; reminds her that summer is well and truly over and that fall is setting in.
Poppy hails a cab and deeply exhales when she falls back against the seat. she decides that tonight was a one time thing. a one time lapse in judgement where she let her guard down and AJ caught her. it doesn't even matter really, because she won't ever have to see AJ again.
another six years will fall away, and then six more after that, and again and again, until she's so far removed from the life she's living now, that the name AJ Hughes will be the echo of a memory.
it's barely six weeks before Poppy's mingling and dancing and drinking at another gala that her parents have dragged her too. this one's to raise money for sick kids so she feels less bad about being here, but still wishes her parents would leave her alone for just one night and not try to set her up with someone.
she dodges another invite home, is always firm yet polite about how she does that, because her parents would never let her hear the end of it if someone took offence to something that she said or did, and she's on thin ice as it is with them. has been for years in fact, and can't quite seem to mend what was broken.
sometimes just as she's about to fall asleep, when she can blame it all on a sleep-fogged brain, she thinks about what her life could have been like had she just done something different. had she stood up to her parents all those years ago. had she stopped pretending that any of it made her happy. had she just accepted what AJ had been so willing to give her.
that last one always comes right at the end, right as she's about to fall off into sleep. and sometimes those what ifs bleed into her dreams and leave an ache in her chest when she wakes again.
Poppy moves easily between the other guests and even plucks another flute of champagne from a passing waiter. and just as she turns back around, Poppy sees AJ across the room. again.
and after a second that stretches on for way too long, where Poppy's heart beats dangerously in her chest for something that she refuses to acknowledges even exists, AJ returns to her conversation as though her entire world hasn't been shifted. as though Poppy's the only one experiencing this.
Poppy huffs. fine. ignore her then.
ignore ignore ignore. Poppy can do that.
the nights and galas and events carry on after that, bleeding and muddling together. sometimes there are sit down dinners, and sometimes--rarely--Poppy and AJ are seated next to each other and have to both play like civil acquaintances in front of everyone else at their table.
mostly though--mostly--Poppy doesn't entertain a single thought of AJ. although sometimes she wonders if by not thinking about her at all, it actually counts as thinking of her. that just winds up frustrating herself more and she reaches for more champagne from passing waiters.
and then some time at the end of winter, when the snow is slush and the sky has a hazy grey tint, Poppy makes a mistake. she's alone with AJ. although not alone alone. they're on a packed elevator, pressed shoulder to shoulder in the back.
AJ keeps one arm folded over her chest at first, tries her best to keep some space between them, but it's all so pointless because Poppy can still feel every minute movement from AJ.
so they aren't alone, but it sure feels like they could be, because for all her efforts, all Poppy can think about is the way that their arms press together.
and then--then then then--AJ moves her arm from across her chest down beside Poppy's own arm.
Poppy doesn't move, doesn't dare breathe or look at AJ.
AJ brushes her fingers against Poppy's, and then Poppy does something regretful. she forgets where they are and what they are and-- everything. she forgets it all and holds AJ's fingers in her own. holds on so tightly and desperately wishes for the elevator to slow or stop altogether.
she feels warm all over and wonders where it all went so wrong.
and then the elevator stops, dings, and the doors slide open.
Poppy releases AJ's hand and follows everyone else off. but AJ stays with her back against the elevator for a moment, and Poppy allows herself one more moment of weakness to look back.
Poppy wonders how the doors haven't closed yet. thinks that maybe this is the universe again trying do something-- nice or cruel? she's not too sure.
"we could be happy," AJ whispers, not that she needs to, there's no one else around.
and her words stab into Poppy's heart and twist and dig and burrow in so deep she doubts she's ever be able to get them out.
everything around her slows for a moment. Poppy can see the doors beginning to close, can see that AJ's not going to get out, can see this moment slipping away. can see all the other moments from years ago and years from now playing out in a montage in her mind, all slipping away.
and she wonders why why why it all has to be so stupid and messy and complicated and-- she steps into the elevator just as the doors shut firmly behind her. and in that same breathless second, AJ bounces off the wall, meets her halfway, and drags her into a perfect kiss.
she hates herself a little for refusing this, for spending so many years unhappy. because if what she feels right now with her hands in AJ's hair, and AJ's on her waist, and their lips locked together, is any indication of what she'll feel tomorrow and next week and years from now--
"promise me," AJ says, breathing the words against Poppy's lips. "promise me that we'll try, because i can't--"
"it'll be hard work."
"i know."
"i'm stubborn and mean."
"i wouldn't want you any other way."
"i promise." Poppy kisses her and then again for good measure. "i've missed you."
I'm not usually one for first time scenes but Valax' fucked so hard because. BECAUSE. it's not about being her first time having sex. it's about her first time doing what she WANTS. first time allowing herself to have desires and to be more than a pawn and again like with her being a woman the way she's supposed to repress all her desires is. well it's a parallel and by god i am NOT coherent right now don't touch me but you GET WHAT I MEAN. her whole life she was meant to have a purpose and she absolutely wasn't allowed to want. and now she wants and she wants to want and the way MC handles it is so good just telling her to take what she wants because she's never done that before and at first she's scared mc won't like but mc WANTS HER TO BE SELFISH AND ALLOW HERSELF TO WANT WHATEVER SHE WANTS, SEX, SEX WITH A WOMAN, JUST. FUCK. GIRL. GIRL. I WILL DIE FOR HER THIS IS NOT A HYPOTHETICAL ABYMORE
NOT BUT LITERALLY YOUUUU GET IT. YOU GET IT. its not just abt sex its about her finally wanting something outside what her mother (society, and to an extent even the weaponization of femininty and gender roles honestly if i want to be insane abt it even more, older women taking their frustrations out on younger women, their daughters, whatnot) made her for, TOLD her to be. shes allowed to WANT and its not framed as a bad thing at all!!
"wanted something that i was made for" baby do not listen to her you were MADE FOR THIS. you were made to have mindblowing lesbian sex and i would give you head sloppy style and kept you alive forever. she makes me insane
something i really like exploring when i write for the freshman series is the relationship between Becca, Chris and the MC.
like the fact that, regardless of if u romanced both or one or none of them all 3 of them are still all good friends.
i think my favourite little idea to explore though is if u romanced Chris in the beginning and then Becca at the end. because maybe the reason Becca wanted Chris in the beginning is because in some small part of her brain she thought that was the only way to have the MC. she didn’t want to want the MC and she told herself that she could have Chris instead and be okay with it. and then when the MC and Chris get together maybe she wanted Becca too but thought there was no chance of that happening or didn’t even know that she wanted her so she got close to Chris but didn’t understand why it just didn’t feel right.
i know it’s complicated and maybe just a little messed up but that’s what i love so much. there is so much potential to learn so much about those three characters in that scenario and i just love them in all of their messiness.
I always like to romance Chris in the first 2 books whenever I am planning on romancing Becca because it's just more fun that way. I wish it carried more weight in the series because it would be funny if someone would point that out every once in a while.
time has a wonderful way of showing Becca what really matters.
OR, a childhood friends-to-lovers AU.
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Becca’s parents divorce when she’s eight.
she doesn’t really understand what it means—all the nuance that goes with it—doesn’t even realise that that’s the word for it until later. all she knows for sure is that one day she wakes up and her mother tells her that they’re moving and that her father won’t be coming with them.
“there’s a park close to our new house,” her mother says while they’re in the car.
Becca hums, her sister sits happily in the booster seat beside her, watching the world flash by in the window as she kicks her little legs. Becca thinks Alexis understands less than her, thinks that’s probably for the best, and doesn’t understand why that makes her angry.
their new house is a lot smaller. it’s not as nice as their old one, but Becca sort of likes that her new bedroom is smaller and that she gets to share a bathroom with her mother and sister.
“i know it’s not much,” Shannon says as she stands with Becca in their empty home. “but i promise that this will all be okay.”
she doesn’t have a bedframe yet, but they go to the store and Becca picks out some fairy lights and her mother helps her strig them up around her room.
“are you okay?” Becca asks after that first day as her mum tucks her in. she’s never tucked her in before and she looks unsure of herself.
“i will be.” it’s honest, probably too much honesty for an eight-year-old. “are you?”
Becca shrugs as best she can with the blanket tucked right up to her chin.
“whatever you’re feeling is okay. we can talk about it when you’re ready. but just know that i love you so much. nothing will change that.”
the new house is louder and quieter all at once. there’s no more shouting, and Becca likes that she doesn’t have to creep from room-to-room to hear or not hear what her parents are yelling about. she likes that the yelling has stopped, that she can hear her sister playing on the floor in the kitchen while her mum cooks and she reads in her bedroom.
her mum seems sad sometimes, but happy too in an odd kind of way that Becca doesn’t understand. she wants to understand, wants to ask, but doesn’t. she keeps everything to herself for a while.
and then halfway through August, with her first day at her new school looming ahead, Becca meets her neighbour.
she plays outside in their backyard now. it’s not big—barely big enough for the old swing-set and small sandpit that Alexis likes to play in—but it’s enough. sometimes her mum comes out and plays with them.
“hey!”
Becca startles. she stops on the swing and looks around the yard but can’t see who spoke.
“up here!”
she looks up and spots a girl perched carefully in the large tree that hangs over the fence separating their yard from their back neighbours.
“wanna play?” she blows a piece of hair out of her face and wiggles further out onto the branch hanging over the fence.
“up there?”
the girl shrugs and wiggles further out again and then drops down into the yard right in front of Becca. she smiles wide and now that she’s closer, Becca can see her two missing front teeth.
“what are you doing?” Becca says, and she can hear a little of the iciness her mum used to have in her voice.
she quirks her head to the side just a bit. “playing?”
“you’re a stranger, and i—”
“Alex. my name is Alex.” she offers another toothy grin made slightly odd by her two missing teeth.
“okay.”
“so we can play?”
Becca nods, hesitation in her movements and hope in her heart that she’s maybe making a new friend.
Becca sits at the table that night for dinner and doesn’t stop talking about Alex once. her mum hums and nods and smiles sweetly as she listens and cuts Alexis’s food into smaller pieces. Becca feels warm all over.
summer ends a week and a half later and Becca starts the third grade at a new school. she learns that Alex goes to the same school but that she’s starting the second grade.
the sky outside is gloomy but the classroom Becca walks into is bright and colourful.
her new teacher, Miss Jones, crouches down to her level and introduces herself with a warm smile and warmer handshake that makes Becca feel like a grown up in a good way.
Becca sits beside a girl, Madison. she doesn’t say much to Madison, but Madison says plenty to her and makes Becca feel like this isn’t her first day at a new school.
she sees Alex near the handball courts during recess and wants to go say hi, but she’s surrounded by a group of friends, and they look like they’re having fun. Becca doesn’t want to ruin that. and then Madison runs up to her and asks her to come play on the monkey bars.
by the end of the day, Madison declares them best friends.
Alex is perched carefully in the tree by the time Becca gets home that afternoon and runs outside to meet her.
“was your first day good?” Alex asks as she drops down onto the grass in front of Becca.
“i made a new friend in my class. her name’s Madison and she sits beside me. she asked me if i want to hang out after school too.”
“that’s good,” Alex says.
“she said we’re best friends now.”
“am i still your best friend too?”
“yes. you’re…” and Becca doesn’t really know how to put it into words at eight years old. Madison is her best friend, and Alex is something else entirely. something different but no less important.
Becca surges forward and hugs Alex tightly. she doesn’t understand why she hugs Alex or why it feels so nice when Alex hugs her back just as tight.
“are you okay?” Alex asks.
Becca nods and presses her nose into Alex’s neck. she thinks for the first time that she’s not okay but that she might be in time.
she doesn’t understand much when she’s eight, but then she turns ten and starts to understand a little bit more.
Becca wakes up just after midnight in Alex’s bed that can’t really fit both of them anymore.
“hey,” Alex breathes into the space between them.
Becca blinks, tries to adjust her eyes to the dark. “what time is it?”
“midnight,” Alex says and Becca can hear excitement in her voice now. “happy birthday.”
“oh.” Becca sinks into the pillow, and doesn’t understand why she gets so much comfort in the smell of Alex all around her. a small smile tugs at the corners of her lips. “thank you.”
“i got you something.” Alex leans off the side of the bed and grabs something from underneath it before she pops back up with a small present in her hand.
Becca sits up now too. “you didn’t have to get me anything.”
“i know but i saw it and wanted you to have it.”
Becca opens the present carefully and after a moment where she doesn’t breathe and Alex looks like she’s about to explode with giddy energy, there’s a thin bracelet in her hand. the kind that will stain your skin a little green if you wear it for too long.
“i know it’s not much,” Alex starts, “but i wanted to use my money to get you something and… well… do you like it?”
“will you put it on for me?”
Alex beams and Becca doesn’t need any light to see that.
it takes a while for her to fall back asleep after that. Alex passes out almost immediately after promising to try stay awake so they can talk and gossip and share stories into the early hours of the morning. Becca doesn’t mind.
Alex drools a little in her sleep and Becca thinks it’s gross but can’t find it in herself to wish for anything else to be different.
Becca doesn’t see her dad at all on her tenth birthday. but for the first time since moving into their new house, she doesn’t mind.
her mum seems happier too. but there are still days where she won’t talk much. where she looks just a little bit too tired to laugh it off as a bad night of sleep. they’re always the days after birthdays or holidays or family days where calls to her dad remain unanswered and unreturned.
she’s twelve when Alex whispers to her that her parents are getting divorced.
“my dad doesn’t live here anymore,” Alex says, the confession sudden and sitting in the space between them like something cold and unwanted.
and for the first time in years, Becca thinks she might have someone who understands. her mum gets what she’s feeling in an abstract kind of way, but she’s carrying her own extra baggage so it’s not quite the same. and Alexis was too young to ever know the difference, and Becca is trying not to resent her for it.
but Alex… they’ve talked about it before, mostly Becca rambling and raising her voice. never at Alex though, she would never, but it always just sort of happens when she talks about her dad.
“do you miss him?” Becca asks, silly, she knows. because when Alex had asked her that same question years ago now, she had felt shame when she whispered a yes in answer.
Alex nods, plays with Becca’s fingers, and avoids making eye contact. “does it ever go away?”
“i think…” Becca watches her fingers moving with Alex’s and gets distracted for a second. “i think it gets easier to live with. i hate my dad for leaving, but i love our new life without him.”
and that’s the first time Becca’s said it out loud. she’s always alluded to it, and she thinks Alex has always probably known, but it feels better actually giving life to the words.
“and i don’t think your dad is anything like mine,” Becca says after a beat. “i think he’ll still want to see you all the time.”
and then Becca wraps Alex in a hug, tight like the one when she was eight and terrified and hopeful and so uncertain.
the dying sunlight casts a pretty glow over Alex’s face when they separate, and Becca thinks she feels the flicker of deep understanding in her heart before it vanishes again.
but something stays, hums beneath her skin, thunders through her veins. a promise of something more waiting ahead.
she's fifteen when Alex drops nervously into her backyard from the tree. Becca still finds it odd that Alex does this—climbing the tree like they're eight and seven again—but loves it and can't find the words to express it to her.
Becca quirks her head to the side just a bit when Alex doesn't greet her with her usual energy and zest for life.
"okay, i'll bite," Becca shifts so they're facing each other, knees touching, "what's up?"
"nothing."
Becca nudges Alex's knee with her own.
"okay, it's not nothing, it's just... Chris asked me to hang out after school tomorrow and i thought it was, like, a friend thing, so i mentioned it to Kaitlyn and then she got weird about it and said it was a date. even James was being weird about it."
"oh, i didn't— do you like Chris?"
and it's strange that Becca doesn't know the answer to that question. they've been something parallel to best friends for years now, and never once in that time have they talked about crushes.
years from now, Becca will understand everything about that subconscious choice and line in the sand, and how she hadn't realised she'd buried hope for something else deep in her chest.
she understands absolutely nothing about that in this moment though. not the angry coil she feels tighten in her stomach or deafening echo she can hear in her ears.
what she does understand is that Chris likes Alex. Kaitlyn likes Alex. and James probably does too.
Alex shrugs. "as a friend, yes. as... i dunno, that, i have no idea. how am i supposed to know?"
Becca doesn't answer right away, because even though she does sort of know how you know—she's talked about it with Madison—putting it all into words for Alex just seems so impossible.
"i think sometimes not knowing is part of it," Becca finally says. "like you're supposed to just give it a go and figure out what liking someone is supposed to feel for you."
"oh, okay." Alex nods and meets Becca's gaze. "so do you think i should hang out with him after school tomorrow?"
"yes," Becca says with a shrug, and it will take her a while to figure out why she hates herself for saying that.
they don't say anything much for the rest of the afternoon. they exist together quietly and do their homework in Becca's room when it gets too cold to stay outside. and then just before Alex leaves so she can make her curfew, she hesitates and looks at Becca like there's something she's trying hard to understand as well.
they don't talk at all the next day, in fact, they don't really talk again for a while. Becca sees Alex and Chris holding hands out front the school a few days later. a week later she watches from beside Madison during lunch as Kaitlyn gets this pained look in her eyes every time she looks at Alex. it takes a month before she realises she hasn't seen James around Alex and Chris at the same time.
and then the school year ends and Becca's dad sweeps back into their lives with the promise of an exciting summer on the West Coast to make up for lost time.
she doesn’t tell Alex she’s leaving for three months. doesn’t say anything at all. Alexis makes one of those annoying comments that are surprisingly spot on about how she seems irritated.
Becca snaps at her sister, hates that she does, but just can’t help it. her dad says nothing though. Becca doesn’t even think he notices that something's growing inside of her. some mornings, Becca even thinks that her dad forgets he invited them to stay with him for the summer.
but it’s fine. Becca works on her tan on the beach while Alexis plays in the sand beside her. it works, and by the time she’s back, she hardly remembers being in such a sour mood to begin with.
Madison wraps Becca into a hug as soon as she arrives at school for the first day, and launches into a million questions about her trip. Becca smiles, answers them all, and hardly notices the thing humming beneath her skin when she catches Alex staring at her.
Chris is no where to be seen, and Kaitlyn and Alex are huddled close together by her locker. Becca says nothing to Alex, but she can't bring herself to look away just yet.
"did you hear me?" Madison says, amusement on her face.
"huh?" Becca shakes her head and finally tears her gaze away from Alex.
"i was asking if we're still on for the party on Saturday night."
"oh, yeah, of course."
Becca kisses Chris at the party on Saturday night and makes a point to make sure that Alex sees it. she doesn't understand why she does it, but she does understand that everything starts to slowly fall apart from that moment on.
Chris follows after her for weeks and months after that and Becca lets him. Becca talks to him and lets him put his arm over her shoulders when they eat lunch together.
she's not sure if she likes him yet. but she remembers what she said to Alex almost a year ago, about how they're learning how it feels to like someone.
all she really learns though, is that she doesn't like Chris, not like that anyway, because he is lovely to be around and talk to. but his arm doesn't feel right around her waist, and his hand feels too big in hers, and his lips against hers are just— she understands that it's not supposed to feel like this.
Becca tells Chris all of this—most of it, because all of it might hurt his feelings, and Becca does care about him—and he seems hurt for a while, but on the last day of January, Chris shows up at her front door.
"Chris?" Becca stares at him for a second, not quite believing, and then she steps outside with him and gently closes the door behind her. "what are you doing here?"
"i know we aren't, like” —he gestures his hands widely, searching for the right word— “together, anymore, and this isn't some ploy to try win you back."
"okay?" Becca folds her arms across her chest and she can hear some of the iciness returning to her voice.
"i just wanted to tell you that i get it," Chris says.
"get what, exactly?"
"why we didn't work. why we were never going to work."
"go home, Chris." Becca's already turning to head back inside, but then Chris reaches for her arm so gently and carefully that she stops and turns back to listen.
"sorry, no, i didn't mean— i just think there's something that you're missing."
Becca says nothing, but her silence is enough encouragement for Chris to continue.
"i know you and Alex are, like, best friends, or were anyway."
"i— we..."
"i'm not asking for an explanation. you don't owe me one. but i noticed that you guys don't talk anymore."
"so?"
"i spent months trying to figure out how to ask Alex out. it was always you two together, even when you weren't together, it's like you still were. like no matter how hard i tried, she would never see me."
"well, she did. she went out with you. she dated you."
"yeah, and then she broke up with me while you were gone."
"oh, i thought..."
nothing, really. she knew that they had broken up—Madison had filled her in on everything she'd missed when she got back—but Becca had never really thought about why or how. she thought they'd just fizzled out.
"i didn't know that," Becca says.
"i figured. i think that's part of why i wanted you in the first place. because she didn't want me, and you two are— were close. if i could have you then it would be like having her."
and that hits Becca in the heart. stabs a knife into her and twists and presses in again and again. but beneath all the gushing pain, Becca thinks she understands because—
"and i think that's why you wanted me too."
Becca says nothing for a long time. she goes to sit on the front steps and after a moment, Chris sits beside her.
"assuming you're right, then that's pretty fucked up."
"yeah." Chris shrugs. "but i think it's supposed to be."
"how come?"
"because you have to realise how fucked it is and reconcile with it and make a choice that really scares you."
"assuming it's true," Becca says, and it feels pointless to say now.
"right."
"and assuming it is true," Becca says, "what choice would i have to make?"
she sees a warm smile light up Chris's face, and it instantly puts Becca's mind at ease.
"talk to her," Chris says like the answer is obvious and simple.
a few minutes later, Chris leaves and Becca stays outside in the cold for a little while longer. when she does finally go back inside, she's met with her mother standing in the entrance way.
"was that Chris here?" her mum asks.
"were you listening?"
her mum shrugs. "i heard part of it."
"which part?"
"the part where he thinks you should talk to Alex."
Becca nods and looks at anything except her mum standing there with her apron and whisk and looking like the warm mother she's spent years growing into. Becca doesn't realise she's crying until she's in a hug and her mum is whispering quiet reassurances into her ear.
she goes out to her backyard that night, long after her mother and sister both went to bed. Becca shivers against the cold but digs herself in firmly and refuses to budge.
she looks up to the stars that she can't see hidden behind the dark clouds and begs them to help her understand. the stars are quiet and Becca is left to figure it out for herself.
she's seventeen when she goes to a party and runs into Alex. Becca glares at her from across the room, grips her red solo cup just a little too hard that the cheap tequila-sprite mix in it spills up over the rim. because she understands more now, and she's almost certain that Alex has understood this whole time too.
"hey," Alex says, flashing that openly, earnest smile that has always managed to calm Becca in a way she can't explain.
"what are you doing here?" Becca spits, and that thing inside her, that thing that has been gently humming beneath her skin, begs her to take it back.
"it was an open invite. and i actually wanted to—”
"i don't care what you want."
hurt flashes in Alex's eyes. "i didn't mean—”
Becca doesn't stay to hear the rest of it. she turns on her heels and moves deeper into the party.
later in the night, when the music is pumping through Becca's veins and she's given up on drinking because nothing tastes good and it all just hurts, she goes upstairs to find the bathroom. the house is massive—a lot like the one she used to live in before her parents got divorced—rooms for the sake of adding space that won't ever actually be used.
it takes a while to find the door to a bathroom, and when she does, she stumbles inside and presses her back against the door, allowing it to close softly behind her. she slides down the door, looks up, and finally realises someone else is in here with her.
Alex. sitting in the bathtub. her legs hanging over the edge.
"what are you doing?" Becca says as she stands and straightens her skirt.
"i was here first."
"right, but why are you in the bathtub?"
"what do you care?"
Becca scoffs and rolls her eyes but gets into the empty bathtub and sits right beside Alex.
“what are you doing?” Alex asks.
“something’s obviously wrong.”
Alex just stares at her, studying and trying to understand.
“what?” Becca shifts, uncomfortable under the intensity of Alex’s gaze.
“why did you leave me?”
“i didn’t—”
“right after Chris. is it because you liked him? because if you had just told me i wouldn’t have gone out with him.”
“it’s not because i wanted Chris,” Becca snaps, because it hurts her and digs deep into her heart that Alex thinks she would choose Chris over her. “i never wanted him.”
“then why did you kiss him?”
and it’s in that moment that Becca realises just how close they are now. her side is pressed flush with Alex’s, their hands are daring to be the first to touch, and their lips. Becca watches Alex’s eyes fall to her lips and it’s like time stops and starts again all at once.
“i think you know why,” Becca says, her tone soft and open and ready for whatever big, scary thing is coming next.
“yeah, but i want you to say it.”
“i wanted you.”
Alex surges forward and closes the already small space between them. she cradles Becca’s face in both her hands and gently rubs her cheek with her thumb.
“it was always you,” Becca says when they finally pull apart for much needed air.
“when i first saw you, i thought you were the prettiest girl i’d ever seen. i knew i wanted to know you.”
“you’re a sap.”
“the sappiest.” Alex punctuates this with a kiss. “your sappiest sap.”
Becca hums and allows her head to fall gently against Alex’s shoulder.
“wanna get out of here and get some food?” Alex asks after a few long moments of comfortable silence.
“like a date?”
“not like a date. a date.”
“always.”
when Becca is eighteen, she walks the stage at her graduation and looks out into the crowd of proud parents and friends to find her mum, sister, and Alex sitting and cheering with them. her dad isn’t there. she hasn’t spoken to him since that summer where he forgot she existed everyday. and Becca thinks it’s perfect.
a year later, she goes back to her old high school and watches as Alex grabs her diploma too, with Alex’s parents sitting to her left, and her mum and sister on her right.
she thinks in that moment at nineteen that she finally understands everything she hadn’t growing up. there’s a lot more new stuff that she doesn’t understand now, but her favourite person smiles and waves at her from the stage, and in that moment, Becca thinks that’s okay.
anyways bet your ass that when Valax will (hypothetically, that is) turn against her mother to finally, completely join our side - still, hypothetically (but ik you're seeing this coming c'mon now, let's be honest) - she is gonna say something like:
I love The Haunting of Braidwood Manor because it’s like. You’re absolutely guilt-ridden over something you had no control over so you decide to go have your own episode of Ghost Adventures. And then during your own personal ghost adventure you have a lesbian affair with a ghost and lie to children. And then the power of lesbianism makes your ghost girlfriend corporeal. And you get closure about the other thing. And it’s only six chapters long. Love wins
