So here is where I am right now: You have two gods--one you've known for two years, and one you've had the most fascination, passion, etc for throughout high school and past graduation, until it started to calm down but it never truly went away. This was a god you wrote poetry for, you wrote things for, you wanted to tell people about, try to tell people the truth about, etc, etc. At some points, you did realize your actions did show signs of devotion. So, you were worshiping/whathaveyou this god without even knowing it.
So, let's cut the BS and say this god you were essentially showing devotion to was Lucifer and you joke about being basically smitten by Lucifer. That's a running joke with you.
Of course, due to lack of confidence and fear of what people would say, you don't really follow through with what you do naturally for Lucifer. (... Don't look at me like that, it was basically natural.) So, you constantly take the "safe" routes, which really aren't "safe" routes because you're more drawn to the paths people would sneer at, at first glance, and you're also drawn to deities people probably ridicule and sneer at.
And your view on deities and good and evil root back to Lucifer, and you're not going to deny that. You're never going to deny that.
But you kind of back off because of fear of what people would say, lack of confidence, and when you did try to answer that damn pull, you didn't get a reply back. In retrospective, you didn't know jackshit of what you were doing so who the hell would even answer to that, anyways?
So you pull back, thinking he's not interested but you do keep trying every now and then when the pull manifests itself and you eventually start worshiping Loki, who seems to be the answer to some of your questions but you doubt and doubt because you don't want it to be easy and every time you tried and got an answer, it turned out not to be the right answer, so why should you trust now?
Matter of fact, who is to say this won't be a short term relationship? But you submit yourself to it, hoping that things won't be how you expect them to be and once you start pushing through what holds you back...
Holy shit Lucifer feelings fuckfuckfuck
Oh god everything is falling apart around me shitfuck what do I do
Okay okay okay let's try to make sense of all of this. Let's take this the best I can. Let's figure things out and--...Oh.
I really want Lucifer. I've desperately wanted Lucifer this whole time.
But I love Loki too... what do I do?
And then slowly, you start to just adore Loki as you begin to realize more and more how much you've really wanted Lucifer. Loki's still really important to you, though. He's like a best friend, someone you can mess around with and run to when times are tough, when you need a sanctuary.
But Lucifer has been someone you've been running away from and keep finding yourself back to. You basically go ".... I GIVE UP. RUNNING AWAY FROM YOU IS IMPOSSIBLE. ...Will you let me follow through with what I'm feeling? D:"
Asking for permission sounds silly but I've gotten dead air the first two times I tried, and the third time I am uncertain if it was really him or not.
And it's the fourth time and I'm like "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? I GIVE UP. NONE OF THIS IS WORKING." and so, over the last few days I've been doing a lot of tarot readings, getting intense feelings while doing so that can leave my head feeling funny.
... which, in retrospect, is basically the same feeling I got the third time. Except it did leave me with a headache for a while until I seemed... to get use to it.
This time around it's a lot lighter on me but it's still intense. I just don't have an annoying headache afterwards.
And this time, I... believe it is Lucifer? After like, bugging him a lot to figure out if I was indeed interacting with him. (Funnily enough, the deck I've been using these last few days has two Pentacles cards that feature a peacock. First time I bought the deck, I... was surprised at first and then giggled. All I can think of when I see Peacocks is Lucifer so. So during this week, when I was trying to confirm it was him or not, the Queen of Pentacles shown up. I was confused and didn't even notice the peacock at all, until I looked at the book and the word 'peacock' and went 'Hold up!' and looked at the card again and laughed. I actually did try to focus on the Queen herself but I felt absolutely nothing when I looked at her, the Peacock kept catching my attention.
Same thing happened again with a card that had a bright star in it. For some reason that bright star, kept catching my attention. I think I ended up thinking of Venus right away when I saw it. It's a bright star and usually the first one you see at night... and my favorite, cough cough.
So, uh, I think I got my confirmation?) But it makes me wonder if I did manage to catch his attention the third time around, since that intensity I felt last year... is basically the same intensity I feel now.
Just, not as headache-inducing. I'm okay with that. I really did not like that side-effect.
Though during February this year, I had severed ties... or so I thought.
I find it... rather funny that I've been contemplating whether to dedicate to Loki sometime and then Lucifer feelings everywhere and now everything has kinda been destroyed and now it's like "So what do you do now?"
And the only answers I can give are "Shit." and "...Uh, I don't know? Figure it out...?"
... now I wonder how this happened. I know I have a cycle of going "Lucifer's cool. Luciferianism is cool. I wish I could be Luciferian but I can find similar things in another path." and then "shitfuckLuciferfeelingsno."
But it feels different this time. Like I went from "shitfuckLuciferfeelings" to talking to Loki about them and things calmed down. I didn't think too much about it.
.... until I started to think about dedicating myself to Loki and contemplating it but holding back because a) not ready b) unsure and c) I'm pretty sure I had a lot more to do.
Is there something I should be learning from this? Am I missing something? (I already learned I can't run away from Lucifer so I basically have said "Okay. I'm Lucifer's. I've been Lucifer's for a long time.")
