I Think You Should Speak Now
(TW: Sexual Assault, Mental Health)
I spent most of my life not knowing what it was like to felt silenced. Silenced because of fear, shame, anger, and a whole lot of other emotions that I didn’t even know existed… until I did. Not even a month after moving away to university, I was sexually assaulted on campus, and my life changed more than I ever thought it would. I tried to hide it, pretend it never happened – but Taylor said something a long time ago that stuck with me.
I think you should speak now.
I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t. So I did. I spoke. I filed a report with the school, with the police, with residence life, the people he worked for. What I didn’t realize was how hard speaking up would be. That people would tell me I shouldn’t have said anything. That I would be blamed for his actions. That Id become talked about as the girl that got raped. That it would hurt so much that I would become angry, sad, careless, self-harming, suicidal, and into a downward spiral that landed me in the mental health ward of the hospital more times than I can count.
Taylors sexual assault trial happened a week and a half before mine was originally scheduled. When I heard some of the things she said, it was the first time that I ever thought I could own the narrative, and choose not to let them make me feel like I was to blame. That I could refuse to allow them to turn me into the person at fault. But he didn’t show up. Seriously. He moved to a place hours away, and got charged with failure to appear. And when they found him, the trial was rescheduled to January of 2019. I didn’t think I could make it through any more. I dropped most of my classes at school and failed the ones I was in. I cut out my family, friends, and lost the ones that were trying to help me. I didn’t want to live… it got to the point where the police came to my house and brought me to the hospital, where I was involuntarily admitted, again.
The day before Taylor’s album came out I was still in the psychiatric ward of the hospital. I stayed up until midnight and listened to reputation over and over to help me feel better. At first, I didn’t even plan on being alive for the rep tour, and wasn’t going to buy tickets. After listening to rep so many times, I decided I would buy the tickets with my best friend. Toronto and Minneapolis. I bought the tickets while I was in the hospital. It gave me something to look forward too, and listening to Taylor all the time reminded me of her fearlessness when she had her trial. I needed that so badly. To be reminded of good things, and that I needed to channel her attitude into myself so that I could survive my trial.
Now its over a year after my last psych admission. I’m self-harm free, and started to rebuild some of the relationships I ruined. That would have never happened if I didn’t have rep to remind me to listen to and remind myself of Taylor’s fierceness. I wouldn’t be alive right now if it wasn’t for her. I even got a tattoo of a feather I drew while in the hospital and the words “fearless” in Taylors writing. The trial has ended, he was found guilty, and I survived.
I know Taylor will probably never see this, and I’m ok with that. She gave me more strength and bravery than I thought I could have, and she saved my life. I first shared this story before the rep tour – and since then, I’ve had made so many friends on here, and had people message me telling me that they read my story, and felt inspired to share their own… and we have Taylor to thank for that.
I’ve been to 31 shows since the Fearless era, and it doesn’t even feel real. Upgrades, meeting Andrea, meeting Taylor’s band, meeting Swifties from across the world, life long friendships, and so many amazing experiences. I don’t think anything in my life will ever top what being a Taylor fan for 13 years has meant to me. And if by chance, Taylor happens to be reading this right now, thank you. For the friends. The memories. For saving my life. For everything. Just, thank you.
@taylorswift @taylornation
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