The BGS Reader

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[spicydaddymilk]

RESOLUTIONS

DEAR BGS,

With the start of the year new approaching, I have been thinking about what is going to change for me this year.

So far, living in a construction zone for the last two months (and hopping around prior to that) has not created the most productive environment for me. However, I'm basing my resolutions on the fact that I should at least have the basics by mid-January (toilet, shower, sink, heat, etc.). I feel like all my goals align much better when I have some good habits laid down. 

1. Lose weight/Get healthy: I really have no excuse now that I live in building with a gym.

2. Take a class: I'm kinda burned out on Italian lessons, but ES has me thinking about graphic design or maybe an art history class

3. Be more intentional about my work: Alot of time, I'm just mindlessly playing with clay, but I'd like to do more creative planning

4. Watch my commitments: I have like a bajillion memberships etc. that I should really evaluate if I actually use it.

5. Create a budget/Roth IRA: mainly to watch my spending.

Anybody else have a resolution?

Love,

PD

[spicydaddymilk]

From my desk. I cut my bangs today and wanted to show my turdy. 

[spicydaddymilk]

Happiness Troubles

This is a little late, but I don’t have internet at home so I have to find ways to sneak this into work or from my phone. Either way, I’m sorry.

I had other plans for what to include here, but while I was driving home on Wednesday after work for the holiday I started to think more about this specific concept of performance of self. So, I’ve been really unhappy lately about my appearance, both physically and what it implies. I feel way more self-conscious about my body lately, way more as in I haven’t felt this way in a long time. One place that it definitely comes out is when I’m commuting, riding the bus to and from work on the week days when I’m with all the other worker bees being shuttled into down town. Now, I get it, my line of work (not that I’m just office support) with public service is not glamorous and no one around here wears a suit or anything as nonsensical as that. But, I can’t help but look around and see all of these other people on their way to work, and outwardly they look like they are really making something of themselves. That they must be happy, because they sure look like things are going their way. They’ve got nice leather bags or shoes that they’re probably the first owners of, ever. They have that aura of success and it’s like that Lord of the Rings ring I want it! But, like I’m pretty sure that’s dangerous or whatever.

Okay, so performance. Judith Butler is a feminist theorist and is AMAZING. She’s also kind of hard to work through, it’s all theory. She’s a huge person in the line that gender is a social construction, gender is something that is performed and is created by our clothes and actions. Society has created boxes in which it is acceptable to perform this gender and have your gender identity be widely accepted as that gender. Where woman = dress and man = flannel shirt and steel toe boots. It’s a construct.

I’ve always liked Judith Butler because I strongly identify as a woman, and on top of that a very “femme” woman. One of my queer pals here said I’m the most hetero-femme she’s met (whatever that means) but while I was driving home it’s like I embrace the performance of my gender. I wear heels almost daily, I paint on my face every day. One of my coworkers laughed at me the other day for standing like a dainty flower. I wake up every day and choose to be this image of a woman, and I love it. It’s something that people recognize as visibly “woman” but at the same time it’s something that I have crafted to be my own interpretation over the years. Now, if the foundation of a huge facet of our social knowledge of ourselves has been designed by what society has deemed as correctly corresponding with said aspect of life, wouldn’t it then be possible to extend this elsewhere? An almost “Fake it ‘Till You Make It” thing? Or to quote my 20 year old self “Don’t Dream It, Be It”? 

Judith Butler Meme 

I want to be well dressed/respected/employed. I believe I’m all of these things, but my brain looks around at all of my used up life and thinks that I should be happier about the place I am currently in. So what if I get a nice coffee mug for my morning commute. Wear my nice shoes every day. Use my planner. Go through the motions and have even buy some of the tokens of success, then will feel that way?

I feel like, if I were to start participating in these things on a daily basis that actually my life will be better. That I will be happier, but maybe I have to make it this game to myself. Where I am performing this role of a successful and happy person because I can’t recognize it as being my actual life? I can’t take things when they are good, and look around and smile at the accomplishments my hard work has allowed me to achieve? I almost have to trick myself into being the person that I want to be, because I always get in the way.

I want to trick myself into working out by getting a YWCA membership to use the sauna and pool, and maybe then I’ll find myself on a rowing machine one day.

I want to trick myself out of thinking that I want more brand new things in my life. Buying a bed frame felt so amazing, every piece of furniture in my house was either given to me or purchased for under 5 dollars from a thrift store. I started to value my worth in the number of brand new things I have, and needless to say that even my clothes and books would in that case reflect a pretty low value.

I want to trick myself into happiness and fulfillment.

Deep down somewhere I am a power bitch. I think my friends see that. But for now I’m going to pretend to be CEO of the Audradome (I’m also currently working on what I want to name my existence and life that I’m creating, and I kind of like ripping off the “Thunderdome”) and play pretend that my life is on the up and up. Hopefully after a few months of this intentional rewiring of my thought process I’ll be queen of my world again.

 Does that sound crazy? Am I going to build myself a house of cards, where one small breeze could blow the whole thing down? Do you trick yourself? What are you doing to recognize your success or happiness? 

Book Recommendation: I think that one really cool way to link a book with this type of thinking is to explore how we create our own realities? Reading Yo by Julia Alvarez or As I Lay Dying by (my nemesis) William Faulker would be a good pairing, not because either is about anything I just wrote about, instead they are multiple perspective novels. Written from the points of view of many different people, further exploring how we each have our own experiences and create our realities. 

Below is Judith Butler discussing her ideas on kind of what I was talking about. 

Thanks for listening to my crazy rambles.  I love you all, 

Audra

[spicydaddymilk]

New Perspective

I spent most of the month trying to think of what I wanted my post to be about. I thought I’d settled on my adventures with transitioning into a vegan diet or discussing a book I read but after the election results, I really didn’t think either of those options seemed like an appropriate topic. Not that I think either of those would be inappropriate per se but I’ll just save them for another month. 

After “mourning” the results, I went into action mode. I instinctively began thinking of ways to better the environment and better myself...think biking to work vs driving, transitioning to a vegan diet, etc. But this post will be on ways I’m trying to better myself.

As you know, I suffer from depression so my main focus was to set goals to make me happy. If this sounds selfish, I promise you it’s not, but focusing on me and what I want is the best way for me to get in a healthy mental place. So without further ado, my list for how I’ve been working to better myself this month.

1. Creative outlet: I’m in my 4th week of pottery class and we’re about to start glazing. I took a pottery class last winter and I’m so proud of the improvements I’ve made since then. Having a creative outlet is really important for my balance. I spend all day at work thinking analytically...it’s been very nice having this outlet. 

2. Fitness: I’ve been focusing on creating a regular exercise regime since July and I’m in a solid one now. I go to the gym about 5x/week and I’ve been taking an intense fitness class 2x/week called Triple Threat. It’s focused on abs, arms, and glutes. My butt is looking great! You can see some of what I do in the class here. 

3. Order: I started bullet journaling in October and it’s been a pretty basic-simple start, that’s for sure. I really like having a place to briefly document my day, keep lists, and set goals. I’m attempting a more creative documentation for December -- see the picture above for how December will look. 

So that’s about it. What sort of things have you been doing this month to better yourself? What do you do to keep yourself happy?

[spicydaddymilk]

this chapter is about EDGES

not that guy^

and i'm going to write it in 15 minutes on my lunch break before I have to go back to work. not really what I'd planned, but what is? (terrible excuse, i know..)

anyways. to start:

what i mean is that, lately i've been thinking a lot about the beginnings and the ends of things, and the wedge that sits between what was and what is now. an Edge is a limit. an Edge is a drop-off in time and space. sometimes you see the Edge before it arrives, sometimes you can only see it in the rearview mirror after you've gone through, or over, or under it. it can take years to recognize the outline of a particular breaking point, even longer to see the seams holding you - and everyone else you know's - personalities together. 

we use the Edge to see. once you percieve an outline, after you understand a set of given parameters, you’re equipped to work with the shape - you can turn it over in your mind’s eye and develop a strategic approach to the person/place/problem/thing. the Edge can be sweet when it’s not a surprise.

Edges divide us into two. a “before” and “after.” a bookmark. an axe for the frozen margarita within..  

i'm on the Edge of glory,

so maybe what got me here was (perhaps obviously) last week's political election fuckstorm.  

first i cried then i sat around feeling nauseous, wondering if this is what it would finally take to radicalize me. is there even a point in coming to the office everyday when our world is literally on fire and the dude in charge looks himself like a melting orange popsicle if a melting orange popsicle could also hate women, POC and panda bears? have i reached the Edge of a new consciousness? my facebook friends certainly seem to be on the edge of some new feverish psychopathic condition for which there is - I would guess - an impending entry in the (now that's what i call) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders volume666. are we on the edge of a war with Russia? whatever that even means? i am still feeling edge-y, that is for sure.

i thought about the movie The Truman Show that i watched the other day for a 2nd time. in the last scene, his sailboat hits the painted sky wall of the dome where he's spent his whole life as the first baby born n' raised up on live TV.

here Jim Carrey lovingly caresses the Edge of his landscape. his benevolent bubble. still a captive in the sno globe, here he - maybe - considers that with this new discovery he is no longer who he was when he got up that morning. he’s still a human animal, but the parameters have since been redefined. the Edge is out of sight again. 

so, this post has taken me longer than 15 minutes, but maybe you see where I’m going with this thought. when have you come to the edge of yourself, and looked back at the stranger Past You? was it violent? was it loud? or did you dissolve, like a transition from one PowerPoint slide to the next? 

I was gonna paste some other POlitical Articles but i always come back to this one. 

love and sandwichies to all of yall

-Beth

[spicydaddymilk]

Our Pasts

Dear BGS,

I'm excited to hold the honor of posting the first blog on the BGS Reader.

I'm going to do a post on artists that reference historical objects!

  MATTHEW CRAVEN

I enjoy the later works of Matthew Craven because of his reference to ancient art in contemporary context. By reflecting on ancient art, you can't help but think of how past ancestors overcame challenges, how those problems have perhaps disappeared, and finally what different problems exist that hadn't during our ancestors' time. I guess I have more a brain of a problem-solver/creator.

MICHAEL RAKOWITZ

Michael Rakowitz is another artist who refers historical works. He actually had this great piece at ART EXPO in Chicago last year. The MCA is also planning an exhibition, so hopefully I'll get to see more of his works soon. Below, I am infront of his rendition of the Gates of Babylon made of newspaper, drawings, etc.

  ASIER MENDIZABAL 

I don't know much about this artist, Asier Mendizabal, but I saw his work at aforementioned event, Vernissage this year. It is basically pots layered a sheet of pots cut out over it. Being a lover of ceramics/ancient art, duh, I loved it. His work obviously draws parallels with Craven (mentioned above), but the layers create interesting, yet familiar shape. 

  ARCHIVING A PERSONAL HISTORY

Overall, the theme of archiving and organizing also sits well with me. I think about what I might reference if I created my own art print. Perhaps, I would focus key objects that symbolizing certain periods of my life. I might include that Velvet Underground T-shirt that I wore all the time, one of my ceramic pieces (probably my newest one that serves as my work mug), a ring that I got on one of my trips, part of me says my divacup, the bottle cap from Kansas City I have floating around somewhere, and something that represents me a smaller child-- not sure if I have anything in mind that signifies my childhood at a glance.

What would you include?

Love, your pal,

PD