SPILDT-POTENTIALE

Dansk og engelsk tankemylder

[spildtpotentaile]

US AND PIGS (Sofia Isella)

I ate dinner with beasts

Crinkled hands and red cheeks

Looking at my body like it's food

And your breath smells like bacon

You ask "What's the special occasion?"

Like I dress and dance just for you

Our women are cattle, there's blood on our kids

Are you being paid to not pay attention?

Does it have to happen to your mother

To your sister or your daughter

For you to take it personal? Oh

So, pump us full of sperm, put us in a barn

Us and pigs on a Mississippi farm

In nine months, we'll have a kid you won't care about

And if the kid's not straight, white and male

We guarantee a living hell

Murder in the name of a loving God

Our women are cattle, there's blood on our kids

Are you being paid to not pay attention?

Does it have to happen to your mother

To your sister or your daughter

For you to take it personal? Oh

So, burn the witch alive, drink our dirty water

Be prepared for the Mississippi slaughter

Your mistress gets a pass 'cause your wife can't find out

I guess we were just being a little loud

Shut us up and put apples in our mouth

But pull your own daughter out from the lineup

[spildtpotentaile]

A contradiction, a paradox

Always too much or never enough

[spildtpotentaile]

Antidepressants

Mind racing

Body shaking

Face frozen

Eyes fearful but empty

Lips trembling

Forgetting to breathe

And then…

Nothing

The anxiety gets lost somewhere between my mind and my bones

And I

I sit

Trapped in my own skin

Waiting for the storm to pass

[spildtpotentaile]

Everybody’s pain is different

I can understand that

But what about the violent vivid intrusive thoughts of ending myself?

But what about anxious feeling, so persistent, that the only way to get a break from it, is to cause my self harm?

The starvation

The stimulants

The lack of sleep

The overcompensating

The only rational way to explain, not breaking down, is rage.

I am so angry

In times of trouble I cling to what I know, rage.

I grew up in a house filled with rage

Feeling like no one understands, just how fiercely I’ve fought to stay alive?

my mother is guilt-tripping me for not doing more?

And also her only praising me for taking things well?

Taking things well? Sure?

The selfdestructive violence in my mind, tells a different story

I am on a ledge

And not sure why or how to stay?

No one sees it…

I am covering it up pretty well

I can’t burden anyone with this

Now’s not the right time

I don’t think there ever will be a right time

I’ve accepted the fact that there’s no place for someone like me to be whole

And someday

I’ll collapse

From being poisoned

By their words or my own ?

From their expectations or I’ll drown ?

I won’t live for long…

I am sure, that I will die young

[spildtpotentaile]

Existence

Bonecrushing

As I wake

Battered

Restart

From precocious to decline

Burnout

As I retire

My mind won’t turn off

By the weight of living

I nearly drown

[spildtpotentaile]

She would have made such a lovely bride

“What a shame she is fucked in the head”

They said

[spildtpotentaile]

The chaotic quiet surrounding me is unbearable

[spildtpotentaile]

I'll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I'll get lost on purpose. This place made me feel worthless

#ihateithere

[spildtpotentaile]

And I sound like an infant

Feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen

A greater woman stays cool

But I howl like a wolf at the moon

And I look unstable

Gathered with a coven 'round a sorceress' table

A greater woman has faith

But even statues crumble if they're made to wait

I'm so afraid I sealed my fate

No sign of soulmates

I'm just a paperweight in shades of greige

Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay

[spildtpotentaile]

I want to be enough

In all the ways that matter

[spildtpotentaile]

I vow

I vow to honor her colors

The ones she was told to dim

To listen when she’s quiet

And be patient when she’s loud

I vow to give her a home

Where she can live with everything that’s she is

No repercussions of who she should be or of where she belongs

I vow to keep her safe

The little girl that lives inside me

The crinkles by her eyes as she laughs

All the light she was taught to dim, will light up our living room like old drippy candles

And her laughter will echo and fill our hallways

To remind us, that the sound of joy should always flow freely

I will cherish all of the things about her that was deemed unloveable

[spildtpotentaile]

I honestly thought I would be dead by now

#buryafriend

[spildtpotentaile]

There so many ways to have your heart broken

The way you broke mine was so unexpected

It was a platonic heart break

The kind that marks you soul and taints the way you will ever trust again

I trusted you so much, and that burned me

I miss you

[spildtpotentaile]

Jeg havde så mange ideer om hvordan mit liv skulle blive og på samme tid ingen chance for at vide hvad livet ville bringe

[spildtpotentaile]

My anxiety thrashes through my body like a moth with wounded wings

I shiver every time it touches me, covering me in dust of shame

[spildtpotentaile]

Get a grip on yourself or move out

I felt like my lifeline had been ripped out

Their role was solely to protect me from danger

With no where to go I felt like a stranger

I left with no hope or apologies

I learned to never fully trust them, if I ever wanted to feel any sense of peace

[spildtpotentaile]

I miss being tan and thin