Sweet Escape

Cristel, Pursuer of dreams.

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

Hindi ko inakala

Na sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon at panahon,

Na dala lamang ng pagkaburyo sa loob ng tahanan ng ilang buwan,

ay may isang darating na katulad mo.

Hindi ko inakala

Na sa lahat ng sakit at naramdamang pait,

muli pala akong magtitiwala

at kaya ko pa pala ulit ipagkatiwala

Lahat ng sasalubungin na bukas na kasama ka.

Hindi ko inakala

Na pagkatapos ng ilang taong pagdududa,

Itim at puti hanggang sa blangkong mga ideya,

at maraming bagay na hindi ako sigurado,

ay may nag-iisang tiyak na darating sa buhay ko.

Lahat naging maganda, araw-araw naging masaya.

At kung may mga pagkakataon at araw na hindi maligaya,

Gumulo man ang isip at dumami ang hindi malinaw,

Magkaroon man ng hindi pagkakaunawan

na kahit pa umabot sa sigawan,

Iisa lamang ang laman ng puso at sinisigaw,

Ikaw at ikaw ang pipiliin palagi sa araw-araw.

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

Mahal,

Salamat at dumating ka

Sa pinaka swak na panahon,

Sa pinaka payapang pag-iisip,

Sa nagliliwanag na pagtingin.

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

10/21, 12:15am

Nakalimutan lahat ng lungkot,

Pati na ang mga duda at takot.

Magmula noong dumating ka,

Lahat nagkaroon ng hiwaga,

At lahat ay naging malinaw.

Salamat at nakilala ang isang ikaw.

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

You were my greatest love

But not all the great things that happened to us will stay nor last forever. I'm forever grateful that once in this lifetime, I loved and was loved by someone like you.

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

Sa Wakas

Nagwakas na ang sa atin,

Apat na taon na rin.

Muli kang nagmahal ng panibago

Pang-ilan na nga ba matapos noong ako?

Pangatlo ang iyo, 

Samantalang unang beses ako

nagmahal muli mula nung nagwakas tayo.

Sa wakas, nakawala na ako.

Sa mga ala-ala nating dalawa

Na ilang taon akong nakulong at nag dusa

Pinagbibigyan ko na ang sarili kong,

Kalimutan ka at baguhin ang damdamin ko.

Lahat ng tao sa mundo,

Mayroong iba’t ibang klaseng pagmamahal.

Unang beses na minahal,

Pinaka matinding minahal,

Pagmamahal na nagbigay ng aral,

at lahat ng ito ay

naramdaman at naranasan ko sa iyo

ngunit hindi ibig sabihin noon

ay tayong dalawa ang dapat sa huli,

kaya ngayon,

binibitawan ko dito, kung saan nagsimula, nangyari, at nagtapos

ang pagmamahal ko sayo,

Sa wakas,

Hindi na kita mahal.

4/21/2019

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

Apat na Taon

Halos apat na taon na. Pero bakit pakiramdam ko, nakakulong padin ako? Sa pagmamahal sa'yo, sa kung anong mga nagkaroon tayo, sa ikaw. Buong akala ko, nabuo ko na yung sarili ko. After 3 years, nakikipag balikan ka pero nagmatigas ako at pinaniwala sarili ko na di na kita mahal, di na kita gugustuhing bumalik pa. Pero nagkamali ako... Hinihintay pala kita. Pero dahil sa pride ko, pinaniwala ko kayo na wala na, tinulak kita palayo, sinabing hindi na mababalik, pero hindi, ikaw parin pala, ikaw lang pala talaga. Sumubok akong magmahal ng iba, akala ko totoo na eh, pero ang tanga ko, ang sama ko, isang makasariling galaw para mapatunayan ko lang sa sarili ko na kaya ko nang magmahal ng iba, pero hindi pa pala. Gusto ko nang makawala dito sa pagmamahal ko sa'yo. Alam kong ikaw, kayang kaya mo, ibigay yung pagmamahal mo ng buo para sa iba, pero bakit ako, sobrang nahihirapan? Ayoko na nito. Napapagod na ako, halos apat na taon na akong nagpapanggap na okay na, na matibay ako, na kaya ko na. Ayoko na ng pagmamahal na 'to.

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

To the person who gave me butterflies but let them die

You were the very first person who made me felt loved and I, to love. I cannot imagine myself to be that so patient, so caring, so inlove with you. I even promised myself that I will never love somebody the same way i loved you. The capacity of myself to give somebody that love is unimaginable, I applaud myself for that. You made me love you, like that. I patiently waited for the rare chances to see you, to be with you because we started far away from each other. But that was completely fine with me, because I could and would wait, anyway.

I can still remember those late night talks, the immature, cringy but sweet messages we sent to each other for almost three years, the promises we made, the plans for our future, the you and me, me with you until the end but we ended.

The day you left. That day, I felt pain through my chest, crashing me to pieces, leaving me hopeless, you were my home but in that instant, I know, I became homeless.

I will never forget those days I begged you, tried to stop you, I didn't want to just let those best things to be burned and became ashes that will be swept by the wind, by your coldness. You never listened, you never gave me chance to still try to fix and mend the broken us. Days, weeks, and months of hoping until you set your eyes and attention to someone else. And in that moment, I finally decided to start moving forward. To start over with the life of me, without you.

Days of hardships, weeks of trying to forget you, months of healing the pain you've caused, years of learning to love myself and above all, always put myself first. I started to enjoy life. No more pain, no more insecurities, no more "you" in my system. For those years, I pushed away several people who tried to care and to give love. Not because I'm still waiting for you, but because I wanted to heal and to make sure that I can love without any reservations but until now, I still can't.

There are times that I tried to let people come in but I ended up having thoughts of the past that may happen again, it made mo so scared, I will never let myself to be in that same moment and situation again, I don't want to feel the pain, again.

After almost 3 years, you came back and tried to win me back. The you who caused that pain. Don't get me wrong. I don't have anymore grudges towards you. Believe me when I say I've forgiven you, bu I can't still forget. I am truly thankful that "that" happened, I am considering that as my "lesson learned" in this lifetime. I became this strong independent woman (others may say), and you, coming back is not what I am expecting.

I always wanted to talk to you, I want to know your side about why you left, that easily. And hearing that from you, made and give me peace. I wanted us to talk and give each other peace, I'm not, again, expecting you to still want us be back together.

I'm sorry, I just can't be sure of the thought of us getting back together. For years, I repainted my life without you, I removed your presence on the thoughts of my future, I am alone now. Of course I still want to be in a relationship again, I want to experience normal dates, and have a default companion whenever I want to go somewhere else. But I just can't be sure that it's still you, if it can still be you again. I don't want to get your hopes up, I don't want to waste your efforts to someone like me who cannot give you assurance that there's a light in the finish line of the race track where you are running at this very moment. I want to apologize and thank you. For approaching and enlightening me about the back story of you walking away with no words left. But I can't feel butterflies anymore, they once died years ago.

[vomitingwords]

I am stuck in between hoping that I could unmet you, and wishing that I could meet you for a second time, yet in a different situation.

ma.c.a // I wish I was the one for you (via vomitingwords)

[vomitingwords]

I closed my eyes as I whispered closely to my heart, “Please do not fall in love with someone you cannot have. ” Yet when I saw what’s behind that beautiful eyes of yours, I felt my heart betrayed me once more.

ma.c.a // It feels right, but it’ll also hurt so bad (via vomitingwords)

[vomitingwords]

You will always be a beautiful destination for me, not a parking lot nor a temporary place to see.

ma.c.a // I’ll Stay (via vomitingwords)

[thelovejournals]

You are a language I am no longer fluent in but still remember how to read.

Ashe Vernon (via thelovejournals)

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

Palapit ng palapit

Ang damdamin

Pahigpit ng pahigpit

Ang aking

Pagkapit

Sa pag-asang

Magkakaroon ng

Tayo

Pero alam kong

Malabo.

Ilang beses pinigilan

Huwag nalang kaya?

Pero patuloy

Ang pagpapalitan

Ng atensyon

Sa dalawang pusong

Malabo

At di maaari.

Mali--

Sa dalawang pusong

Nahuli.

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

Sa Linyang 'to

Gumuhit ako ng linya

Sa pagitan nating dalawa.

Hindi ako lalayo pero

Hanggang dito lang ako.

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

Dear you,

Thank you for the three months filled with happiness.

For that short time, I felt loved and understood.

Thank you for starting my day with good morning

And ending it with good night.

You are the only person whom I can talk to all day without getting bored.

I can talk to you about almost every thing--

And for that, thank you, for always listening.

I will never forget that night--

When I'm starving because I haven't eaten my dinner yet because of loads of work.

You said you'll come over with my favorite makirritos from Tokyo Tokyo.

I didn't expect you'll come,

But you actually did, with food.

I finished around 11:30pm,

You arrived at 11:00.

Thank you for waiting, I felt special.

You were there when I'm not in the best shape.

You were there to listen to my rants about life.

You were there when I'm alone,

And made me feel that I'm not.

But now, I need to get back to where I used to.

To get back to how I used to--

To my life before you.

Remember when I told you that I have a habit of pushing a person away when I'm about to fall?

That it's a kind of special skill that I have?

Well, I need to push you away.

This is not because I'm about to fall--

I already did.

I fell for you.

With those 1 hr before shift sessions.

Late night talks,

Everyday talks,

Good morning to good night,

You, being so caring,

You, being so kind,

You being such a great man.

But this great man, isn't mine.

This great man, has already a great lady.

But it isn't me.

I knew that from the start.

This great man is in a relationship--

But not with me.

Every day, I keep on telling myself that I don't own you.

That you are not sharing your life with me.

Every fucking day, I am stopping myself from being so caring and so clingy

Because It's wrong.

I've been broken before.

I've been hurt before.

I don't want to be the source of pain to anyone.

So now, I'm creating a line.

A line between you and me.

A line that will remind me that I'm just your friend.

But always remember,

I'm just here, whenever you need a friend.

I'll stay as a friend.

Your friend

Always,

Cristel

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

I wanted to turn you on

My favorite song

Wanted to be near you

But somebody owns you now

[findinghil-blog]

The Universe of Us - Lang Leav

[spilledthoughtsofaqueen]

I apologize. I need to push you away. Before I cross the line, I'm walking away.