I think I need to step away from the Tumblr for a while.
Over the past days, people have talked about me behind my back, assumptions spread around, and a lot of mutuals/friends distanced themselves without even hearing my full side of the situation. What hurts most is seeing people immediately side with whoever presents themselves as the victim first instead of actually looking at the full context.
I already made a long post explaining my perspective in detail, but it feels like most of it got ignored completely. At this point, I don’t even feel like this situation is being handled like a normal disagreement anymore, because instead of actually communicating and resolving things directly, it keeps getting dragged out through vagueposts and indirect drama.
I’m exhausted. Not just because of internet drama, but because this all happened during one of the hardest periods of my life. I’ve been dealing with grief, emotional exhaustion, pressure from work and life, and trying to hold myself together while everything feels overwhelming at once. Despite that, I still tried to stay calm, explain myself clearly, and avoid escalating things personally.
Right now I genuinely need distance from all of this. I want to focus on myself, my health, and people who actually care about understanding me instead of immediately assuming the worst.
The post made a few days ago was just to keep my usual face i keep upon this account. It was indeed a bit mean and I don't speak like that in private tbh, but yeeahh that was truly impulsive, just like his cussing on me.
I can allow myself to sincerely apologise for being mean but only if this apology is mutual. Or whatever. I don't care anymore, I'm genuinely done.
Bob, i know you're reading this. To be honest we could've talked this out because I'm despite my imago not a fan of drama.
We both were shitty. I hope we both could grow and become a better people, since we kinda both overstepped.
I’m sorry to the people who supported me and expected content or activity from me. I just don’t have the energy for fandom conflict anymore. Maybe I’ll come back when things feel lighter again, but for now I need peace more than I need online spaces.
And please, before choosing sides in situations like this, remember there's always a double-edged sword. Misunderstandings, stress, grief, and pressure exist outside fandom discourse too. Since my friend's death I don't see point in living even, and knowing that all the support I needed from people I trusted was straight up stolen. I hope i come back ALIVE.
Markha, you were a good friend. I'm sorry if we had disagreements, but you never let me down.
Lola, you're almost like a sister to me
I'm glad I met you, guys. There are more obviously i just don't have any energy to speak right now, besides these people were closest to me. It's a shame humans nowadays are that immature that they make a decision not knowing the whole story.
A lot just fell onto me at once and I don't think I can take it. Especially the latest event, and tbh I don't see any reasons to continue my existence without her.
Oh and Markha, watch out for tabby cats, in case you remember our conversation.
If i come back alive, I'll take this post down i think. Or not. We'll see.
That's it, goodbye everyone.
Ps, no, it's not (only)about that drama, I'm not stupid to kms over some guy's comment about kid's cartoon. It's just been too much, irl as well.
Всё, бобик в попе лобик, допрыгался, дорогой. Тебе так не нравится мой родной язык, что сейчас ты получишь полные акуна по самые матата. Сиктирюс гётвярян, гиждоллах оглу💋 inside joke еклмн
Hello kittens. About to explain the -oh god forbid- drama.
I really did not want to make another post about this, but since I’m now being portrayed as some horrible person who “harassed” somebody over a fictional ship,(boo beware of the evil Ashley) I’m going to explain the situation properly and calmly one last time.
The issue was never simply “this person likes Paperhat.” I’ve said multiple times that people can ship things I personally don’t enjoy or understand. That’s normal fandom behavior. My point was specifically about the wording and implications of the argument being made.
The original post was talking about criticism of a ship because of abusive dynamics, and the response to that criticism was essentially “calm down, it’s just fiction.” In that context, it very easily reads as defending darkship/proship arguments in general. That is what I pointed out.
I repeatedly clarified that my issue was not the ship itself. I even explained that if the ship is only being viewed in a non-abusive interpretation, then that changes the context completely and should’ve been clarified from the beginning. My point the entire time was: your wording is ambiguous, and people are obviously going to interpret it a certain way if you phrase it like that.
Instead of addressing that point directly, the conversation kept turning into “you’re attacking me for liking Paperhat” or “you’re comparing me to proshippers.” No — I was explaining why phrases like “they’re just pixels” or “it’s just fiction” are commonly associated with defenses of harmful ship dynamics when used in conversations specifically about abuse in fiction. That’s why people reacted negatively.
And honestly, if you publicly comment on controversial fandom topics, people disagreeing with you is not harassment. Not every disagreement or criticism is bullying. The internet is full of strong opinions, especially around ships and dark content, and people are going to respond when something sounds questionable or unclear.
What frustrates me is that I genuinely tried to stay respectful throughout the conversation. I explained myself multiple times, kept distance instead of escalating, and focused on the actual wording rather than attacking him personally. Yet somehow the situation got rewritten into a story where I’m apparently some cruel aggressor and he’s an innocent victim who was attacked for liking a ship. That’s simply not what happened.
I also think it’s contradictory to repeatedly say “it’s just internet fiction, calm down” while simultaneously making dramatic posts framing ordinary disagreement as targeted harassment. If it’s truly “not that serious,” then why exaggerate the situation into something much bigger than it was?
And to be honest, this whole situation came at a really bad time for me personally. I’ve already been under a lot of stress in real life — dealing with grief, work pressure, exhaustion, and trying to keep myself together despite everything going on around me. I still tried to approach the conversation calmly and reasonably instead of exploding at somebody online. No matter how overwhelmed I’ve felt lately, I still made an effort to communicate clearly and not lose control of myself.(Unlike someoneee wink wink)
Don't you dare pity me, I'm not an overdramatic boy.
At the end of the day, I never wanted drama. I wanted my actual point understood instead of twisted into something easier to victimize. Criticizing someone’s phrasing and implications is not the same thing as harassing them for existing or liking a ship.
I know you're reading this Bob. That's not what happened, and you have to grow up and act for your age, instead of playing an injured princess, and denying the obvious shit.
I apologize for MISUNDERSTANDING (and for whatever you took as insults) but not for my words. I don't take anything i said back. And i think you have to stop making a drama, trying to make up an, I dunno, an army to hunt me down. Chill out and once again, breathe, man.
Repeating your words - it's just a comment .(Which is an obvious sarcasm in case you need qualification)
You tell me to dni, yet you keep making the posts obviously itching for a reaction that I give you personally here and now. That's the only thing you're getting because
A.) I'm feeling generous
B.) Unlike you apparently, I do want this to be over already FOR REAL.
So be a man and just let go of some noname Caucasian girl on the internet that just replied to your comment.
Because with the same success I can say that YOU are already harassing ME because you used obscene language, and in general I am tired of all this bullshit.
You say "you're taking a comment too seriously"
Ironic isn't it? I guess ok nvm, yet you're the one who decided to make a big ass post(s) and make it a drama type shit.
As I said before, I don't want a war. I never did and I never will, but I won't ignore you talking shit about me. What are you a gossip girl? Be for real man...If that makes you feel better I'm already sorrowing and I just wanna sorrow in peace.
At this point, I’m honestly exhausted. I already have enough stress in my real life and I did not need fandom drama on top of it. But I’m not going to sit quietly while someone twists the situation into “evil bully attacks innocent victim over ship.” That’s not what happened.
Despite all of that, I still tried to stay composed during this conversation. I explained my point calmly, and made an effort not to lash out at anyone personally. So it’s frustrating to see myself painted as unstable or malicious when, if anything, I was the one trying to keep things reasonable despite everything going on in my real life.
I dni w ppl i feel uncomfortable interacting with. What's the issue to follow the rule in your own profile?
Now I'm completely closing this conversation. You can continue to chew on this topic. I've said my piece.
Take care, and for the future: be simpler and people will be drawn to you, trust me.
I just thought little kids and their parents how to play mafia. A 6 year old is surprisingly good as a maniac killing people around. Killed the sheriff from the first try. Impressive.
Still feel bad because of...well..but at least that's defocusing me from mourn. Which is a bit better already 🤍
I regret nothing, i thought children to murder.
+100 aura lol
Drove back home in peace so hell yeah, i didn't die yuppie
(ignore the upper photos, i just like the pics and I'm scared to lose them)
The hard everyday life of a leading showman: i taught little kids at the party how to play mafia and now they're all playing murders during my break and their lunch. (+ Trying to defocus from my mourn)
I mean i don't exactly do, but it's still difficult. Imagine mourning, crying your eyes out when you actually aren't allowed to, because it's some kid's birthday and you have to keep a face, come up with competitions and generally hold the event, because duh you work as a showmangirl
I love being an actress, don't get me wrong but it's was never THIS difficult for me to force a smile, especially when kid's name is the same as hers.
I'm on a break right now but fuck, i can't even cry silently because my mascara is dramatic.
I hope none of you feels what i feel, please never kill yourself, be careful with heights and generally, stay healthy. I can't imagine what kind of tragedy and trauma would it be.
I wish i could scrub my mourn off and throw it away. It feels sticky cold and heavy...
Two days ago, I experienced a terrible loss. A close friend of mine from university, Nargiz, tragically passed away in an accident on the evening of May 15th after falling from a very high floor of an apartment building.
❈ ݂☪︎̟̣ 📼𓄸 ͜͡ ✦ . ⁺ 𓋈𓐩𓋈
I want to dedicate these words to her — the same girl I loved laughing with, playing around with, and simply spending time beside. We trusted each other deeply, and even in such a short time, we created so many inside jokes and memories that stayed with me beyond our conversations.
𖤼 ♡⃞ ✧ ꦃ𓊗 ͏͏இ ◌்۪۪ಣೂು∔ ͏ ͏ ͏ ♪♫ 𖥚
You never liked attention, but I can’t let your life pass unnoticed. I wish you could have seen yourself the way I saw you — beautiful, valued, and never alone. I will carry you in my memory forever, and you will always remain in my heart.
✤ ♡ ✤ 𝄞 ཉㅤㅤㅤㅤू ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.. ݁ 𖥠 ㅤ𓂂ㅤ
Rest in peace, Nargiz. 🤍 I’m sorry we’ll never get to keep our promise of going out together with our friend group. I still have your phone number, and despite how little time we had, I already miss you deeply. I always thought you were amazing too. I just never said it as often as you said it to me.
ন♡হ ✞ ˳.⋅ ̩͙♡𝅦 𖢖 ◑ 𖠁 ❨ 𓈒 𓈒 𓈒
You will never be forgotten. I’m sorry I found out so late. You were buried just yesterday, and it still feels unreal. It’s all so painful. Right now, I just need some time alone.
