Spoils McGee.. Life... @spoilsmcgee - Tumblr Blog

I am falling part at the seams.... I am caring for my elderly, narcissistic, in ill health parents... I have lived with them in my home cramped and lacking any privacy for more that 380 days... Three hundred eight days ! My marriage have been destroyed my family, irrevocably destroyed... I have made the decision to move out with my parents to get the space and privacy we need and deserve... My heart cannot handle walking away from a marriage... Walking away from my son in his senior year of college.... But to give dignity to my parents I have no choice ..... I am losing my mind.... I am pleading for clarity .....

Anguish

I cannot express the level of anguish and magnitude of angst I have found myself in ... I worked against all odds to achieve a level of peace and happiness, only to have it all yanked away.... My life is hell on earth, with my family forced into a state of disconnect, discourse and disrespect for the glass half full... I just do not see how much more I can endure and bounce back...

Feeling big changes to alter the negative influences... I can only handle so much alone... May as well be my own team!

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

#happyBirthday @jellybeanmcgee

Tatum lovely

#Vimeo

http://cheersitspoilsmcgee.blogspot.com/2016/03/cheers-to-being-vast-brilliant-save.html?m=1

I find myself in a perpetual cycle of doubt, turbulence and guilt... It. Has been nearly 6 months since our lives have been forever altered by not fault of our own... The time has not made anything easier, in fact it has become more difficult.... The stress on my daughter is actually killing my soul a little everyday... I was raised in this turmoil, I grew in spite it if, and swore that I would not allow my children to battle the same hell... They are not prepared for this negativity, this constant battle with dread and despair. For me it is simply a reminder of where I came from and perhaps a question of if I am in face worthy or more than this after all... I am torn I do not know what to do ... Allow others to take over care to save the sanity of us all... Or carry the burden and pay the price of guilt? I wish this on no one, and will learn to protect my own children from this situation..... Just when you think you have paid the price for freedom and joy, you realize there is a Lien on your Joy! There is more to pay.... What is unimaginable is why must my kids suffer for my hell? Perhaps, I will never know....

I am proud of the job I have done as a parent! I was thrown more curveballs than most and I know that the people I have raised are amazing human beings...

I have failed at one thing and I am unable to alter this failure... I do not deserve all the blame however I am left holding the bag of blame.... The loss of a parent is life altering even when many of the years of abandonment were by his design ... I have not taught my beautiful smart funny amazing caring thoughtful gift of a daughter that she is worthy of so much more than I was able to give her.... I do not know how to tell her she must seek her true love and it is totally worth the pain and fear.... She will be the most amazing partner wife and. Mother that has ever been because of her journey .... Her empathy and compassion are unmatched! And my only wish is for her happily every after to begin sooner than later...

No matter how hard I try or how much I do ! It is always about you....

I deserve one thing to be about me for once... After working so hard....

I want one wish and one wish only.... I want to give any and all joy that is reserved for me in any way shape of form..... to my jellybean, her life has been peppered with strife due to her parents lives.... she has suffered more than anyone should and I will do anything to give her the peace and joy she deserves more that anyone.... I witnessed her brother literally talk to her like she is a POS even though she has always been the one person in his corner... She spends countless hours giving of her self.... if her brother needs anything she is there in a flash.... teaching, listening and helping...... I just have no idea how my life got so out of control..... I simply want to run away with my girl and build a new life.... the life she deserves over everyone else i know..

Night 100+ that I struggle to sleep... My life is literally a living hell with so much negativity seeping out of the pours of my parents it is nearly impossible to breath. I pray and wish for a break an glimmer of hope only to have or dashed daily---- how can individuals with so much hate keep pressing on to spread that hatred. Everyone tells me that they are sure my parents appreciate my families sacrifices but I assure you 100% they do not! There is literally zero regard for privacy, personal space or gratitude... There is only attitude. My mother has vowed to do Nothing more for my ungrateful father which only doubles the load on me and my jellybean....I would give up every ounce of joy in my lif big my jellybean could just find the person that gives her joy... I only have any her to have a fulfilled life my parents dictates the first 1/3 of my hell on earth it only seems natural that they wreak hell on the final third ..... I will willingly. Suffer whatever hell I have to face to give my kids joy....... They have given me more joy than i ever deserved so willingly trade my balance of joy for their joy.:.:

All I want is a chance at my own life back.... I have worked to hard and endured too much shit to let negativity year me down.... I am begging the universe to please let us move on with our new normal.... The burden and struggle are real now how about the next step in growth.....

I love that I have begun to use this to express my deepest darkest thoughts, and not one single person responds.... Just goes to show you that my problems may seem insurmountable as do everyone else's! Thanks for the reality check !

I swear I never want to go to sleep anymore... I am tired, in fact I am mentally , emotionally and physically exhausted ... However late at night is my only quite time... It is the only time of my day since July 31st that someone does not need something, want something, eat something, drink something, need to know everything I say something , must know every move I make something and never allow a single conversation to occur without having to make it a group communication... I have survived another day in this hell that is crammed in humanely into such a small space with negativity and hatred dripping from the very pores of some... And going to bed means that the quiet and solitude are fleeting... And each night I hope and pray that tomorrow will be a better day... I know it is just a fleeting wish ... An I must face another 15 hours of encroaching,soul sucking, mentally draining day in hopes I survived until tomorrow night when I don't want to go to sleep again...

Lots and lots of turmoil .... Yup that about sums it up .... Missing my beautiful, joyful life I worked so hard to build... Doing the right thing can sometimes break you ... No one tells you that part.... Hell bent on pressing on optimistically ...

onlinecounsellingcollege

Owning your own feelings, rather than blaming them on someone else, is the mark of a person who has moved from contracted to expanded awareness.

Deepak Chopra (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

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