siomai rice with feelings

(ir)regular musings ng isang 23-anyos na natagpuang walang kasamang magpunta ng gig.

[nobrashfestivity]

William Steig Illustration for Wilhelm Reich’s Listen, Little Man!, 1945

[spongki]

Lately...

[spongki]

Has anyone else read Rumspringa no Joukei and its prequel Dear Gene? It's about an Amish boy and a dancer/callboy who fell in love in the mid-eighties. The prequel is set in the seventies, with the story revolving around a New York lawyer and the Amish boy's childhood best friend's older brother. These two are probably my favorite gay mangas of all-time. The art style is reminiscent of '80s anime.

I love it when you can tell an author's work is heavily influenced by the music and films they grew up on. I had no idea Yesterday Once More could make me ache even more than it normally does.

Hearing "Amish yaoi" probably throws a lot of people off. I've seen it be labeled as such online. I know it's become kind of an inside joke among yaoi/BL readers that mangakas just seem to have a Rolodex of things they can make yaoi off. But I didn't think it was silly at all upon discovering it. I love stories with an Americana backdrop (My Own Private Idaho, Bones & All, just to name a few), and it makes for an interesting one when it's written by someone from Japan (read by a Filipino, lol). The further I read, the more I found familiar themes of loneliness, shame, and youth alienation in the postmodern society usually present in such settings.

And I'm sure there's a lot of people with limited knowledge of the Amish as I do. If the Amish yaoi is their entry point, then so be it. More than anything else, it's just a vehicle to get religious gay repression in my mouth.

[spongki]

I have been obsessively playing The Sims 3 again as of late, right after I found out there's a whole catalog of comprehensive custom worlds made by modders. Note that I have been a Sims player since childhood, but there truly is another world (pun intended) out there I had not been aware of. I came across a special one here on Tumblr called "Point Ouerbacker" and immediately fell in love with what it had to offer. The creator's blurb sold me on it—they said the world was thematically based on Northern California landscapes which, to be honest, I'm not very familiar with besides the vineyards and being Winona Ryder's hometown. The reason it piqued my interest and why I brought it up under this post is because the creator also mentioned drawing inspiration from American regionalism art. Now, I am familiar with popular mid-20th century works like "American Gothic" and "Christina's World", but I have never really considered digging deeper into their milieu which I know by now is a big loss on my part, especially as a fan of Americana (supposedly). And no, I am not ashamed to admit that, yes—I discovered this art movement through The Sims 3, just as how unashamed those who learned about the concept of rumspringa through a yaoi manga are.

This all started in my pursuit of a Pacific Northwest world in the Sims, driven by my love for Death Cab for Cutie that never wanes (the acoustic version of "405" reigns supreme.)

It sounds silly as I go all over the map here with the PNW, the Midwest, North California's Pacific Coast, and New England, but there's a uniformed charm to the United States I adore, characterized by the prosaic day-to-day that is not divorced from, but is within its madness. I appreciate the kind of Americanness that makes it seem small and quaint despite its vastness, its hegemony. The kind that makes it seem less like a concept and more like an actual country, where geography is a prominent character and often the storyteller.

[spongki]

There is an ungodly lack of tea houses in the Philippines. What kind of Asian country are we?!

There are milk tea shops, sure, but even then most of them taste artificial. I'm not aiming for organic but there could be effort into making it taste less like the head of a Barbie. Mid-tier artisan coffee shops are everywhere—why can't they make ones for tea? Iced tea for me, particularly. Cafes only usually have a small section in their menu reserved for everything "non-coffee" which are oftentimes not very good since they're the latchkey kids—always an afterthought. I hit the jackpot with a tea and pastry place nearby, about 4 kilometers away from me, that serves various tea-based drinks. I got a fruity masala drink that tasted exactly like how you'd imagine it.

[spongki]

The craft beer place not too far from my city I had been eyeing the entire week was closed (or perhaps I arrived too early but their Facebook page and Google profile said otherwise). I went through hell and back just to get a good drink which I reaaaally needed this week (Captain, it's Tuesday) and it was the only place I knew that served draft beer around Cavite that's not an hour drive away from me. I had already traveled two rides, two jeepneys on the way there, then suddenly felt like cutting corners for myself which I already knew was a bad idea brewing (ha, brewing). I walked back 2 kilometers to where I came from with my jeans that were always too long on me but never thought of getting tailored (cutting corners again) and given local governments' squandered funds, there were no pavements to walk on. I made it eventually - I always do. How am I going to share these minor inconveniences to the public if I don't?

[spongki]

What an eventful November. I made it happen for me. Let's be good friends to ourselves moving forward. Cheers!

[spongki]

Cavite City and Escolta for today. I would've roamed around Cavite City more if it wasn't for the sweltering weather (when is it not?) and if I had planned places to go beforehand. My trip was spontaneous; I hopped on a jeep with one objective in mind and that was to capture artisans but I wasn't even able to accomplish that, lol. I alighted on their public market but I hadn't worked up the courage to snap yet so I just breezed through aisles. There weren't anything that piqued my interest either. I walked some more and encountered a church that was seemingly normal until I walked further and realized it didn't have a back...?

There were not much to see a couple of meters forward so I said fuck it and saw through the entire road. I ended up by the bay and the college campus I had considered before (I'm now realizing I made a wrong decision).

I went to a park nearby and saw some kids playing catch with a baseball and a glove and I had never seen Filipino kids do that before so I stayed for a bit. My biggest accomplishment was probably finding the bus terminal that goes to Parañaque instead of listening to my dad's instructions that are oftentimes unreliable. I walked about two kilometers under the heat and along the way I could feel the soles of my boots peeling off. The hamsa ring I recently bought from last Saturday's Hola Escolta brought me luck today. Thank you for not making me relive the trauma of my shoe soles melting and peeling off in public.

I got to admit - the trip was pretty pointless. Anything's better than doing nothing but tirelessly shifting left and right on my pillow at home anyway. For a first introduction to a place, it wasn't so bad. You can get around easily since it's a relatively small town. I'll be back soon with some kesong puti.

[spongki]

Second Saturday of this year's Hola Escolta was fun. I got to see Chain Messages play again (first time was in Hindi Sleaze) and he is slowly becoming my favorite DJ. Saw Naia Black from Drag Den Philippines perform as well and she's sooo pretty in person. Didn't get to stay for Shewarma and one of my favorite indie bands Ourselves the Elves 'cause I felt like getting out of the crowd early. I didn't even get to see Tarsius' set which was the one I looked forward to the most. Checked the food alley to sober up a bit before heading to the train station and they had a Mexican food stall which deeply pleased by inebriated self. Then of course, an obligatory ciggy.

I'm exhausted but it was a blast. I'm still thinking about that pork burrito.

> Today's track on repeat (and yes, Alex Turner's version, too):

[spongki]

Cavite City and Escolta for today. I would've roamed around Cavite City more if it wasn't for the sweltering weather (when is it not?) and if I had planned places to go beforehand. My trip was spontaneous; I hopped on a jeep with one objective in mind and that was to capture artisans but I wasn't even able to accomplish that, lol. I alighted on their public market but I hadn't worked up the courage to snap yet so I just breezed through aisles. There weren't anything that piqued my interest either. I walked some more and encountered a church that was seemingly normal until I walked further and realized it didn't have a back...?

There were not much to see a couple of meters forward so I said fuck it and saw through the entire road. I ended up by the bay and the college campus I had considered before (I'm now realizing I made a wrong decision).

I went to a park nearby and saw some kids playing catch with a baseball and a glove and I had never seen Filipino kids do that before so I stayed for a bit. My biggest accomplishment was probably finding the bus terminal that goes to Parañaque instead of listening to my dad's instructions that are oftentimes unreliable. I walked about two kilometers under the heat and along the way I could feel the soles of my boots peeling off. The hamsa ring I recently bought from last Saturday's Hola Escolta brought me luck today. Thank you for not making me relive the trauma of my shoe soles melting and peeling off in public.

I got to admit - the trip was pretty pointless. Anything's better than doing nothing but tirelessly shifting left and right on my pillow at home anyway. For a first introduction to a place, it wasn't so bad. You can get around easily since it's a relatively small town. I'll be back soon with some kesong puti.

[spongki]

Forcing myself to go. That is the way out.

[spongki]

I see people online talking about how they've started to "get" LCD Soundsystem in their 20s and I cannot relate to anything more. His contemporaries (The Strokes, Interpol) have always been part of my rotation but I remember thinking LCD was too "electronic" for me which is funny - I loved Skrillex and dubstep before I even got into indie. And for fuck's sake, I was into '80s new wave. Then again, I hated Julian Casablancas' solo debut. There were just things I didn't get that I eventually would. "oh baby" is a more *recent* song of his, way after I initially passed judgment on his music, but discovering it as an adult is simply magical. Shoegaze and fuzzy pedals were for my angsty late teens. Electronic music, now that I find it, has become the defining sound of my 20s. Massive Attack, The xx, Blood Orange, undescores, Snow Strippers, Caroline Polachek, Arca, Diego Mapa, Kelela, to name a few current favorites. Samplers and synthesizers are the sound of the night accompanied by drinks and good company. There is much pain in this world but not in this room, or whatever that Russian guy said.

[spongki]

It's QCinema month this November. Starting today until Friday, I'm hoping to attend all the free screenings they offer. I'm stretching my P200 college allowance per day just to have something to look forward to in life.

[spongki]

I saw the film Los Reyes del Mundo or The Kings of the World or what I consider the Colombian Stand by Me. The Colombian ambassador to the Philippines was in the theater and he spoke briefly to open the film. I wonder how he and the other delegates felt about watching a story of five ragtag kids that were constantly fucked over by the government (I was dying to know - they were right behind me and I could hear them quietly chatting among each other).

The film already had me on the edge before anything even started and their situation just kept getting worse. You'd want nothing but the best for them. It started out with an older teen named Ra (yes, like the Egyptian god) leading his younger friends whom he considers his brothers to reclaim a land that was once his grandmother's. The ending showed all the kids on a raft. At some point, beyond the socio-political themes, it becomes spiritual (ironic given its materialist lens) that is almost reminiscent of Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. They have seemingly freed themselves from the desires that bounded them to earth.

This is a Netflix gem among the slop they currently have on their godforsaken catalog. One of my favorite films in a while.

[spongki]

It's QCinema month this November. Starting today until Friday, I'm hoping to attend all the free screenings they offer. I'm stretching my P200 college allowance per day just to have something to look forward to in life.

[spongki]

on netflix's beef (2023)

On Netflix's Beef (2023), or in this case, chicken?

Around two years ago I wrote a little something about Santa Clarita Diet (2017), going beyond niceties, and eating mean people. Truth be told, I've been meaning to write about Beef ever since it came out—right after the gut-wrenching Mayonaise needle drop at the final episode—but I've put it on hold like many of my thoughts stuck in the Tumblr Drafts purgatory. Mainly because I wanted to tackle many things—too many things—the show touched on: repressed anger, generational trauma, and all of what makes up the perfect recipe for mental illness among Asians. It gets dirty (literally and figuratively) and breaks that respectability Asians are known for.

What the show addressed the best was the topic of shame. There was something special about its dark, slapstick portrayal of shame where the two main characters go through lengths just to sabotage the person that is essentially a projection of everything they hate about themselves with you, the frustrated viewer, watching them hellishly spiral into the most fucked up and shameful conditions to save face. Ironic, comedic—this show is the dry laughter that you get when you're so deep in shit that you can't do anything about it. The scene where Steven Yeun's character buys a bunch of hibachi grills in an attempt to take his own life embodies this the best, the one that made me think, "oh, this show fucking gets it."

I have recently made some realizations about shame and its role in my life. I have unearthed this draft from two years ago for this reason. I wasn't so unaware that I had zero idea about having self-esteem issues because if anything, that was the one thing I was sure of about myself. It's less about the fact that I couldn't recognize shame and more about how little I knew of just how much it governs me. In admitting shame was also shameful. There was a witch-like figure that appears in the show both as a manifestation of Ali Wong's character's shame and the one that surveils to mock and chastise her "shameful" acts at the same time. To me, shame is a black, treacly substance that seeps into every aspect of my life. With the fear of being watched and perceived possibly stemming from sexual trauma, compounded by unsupervised internet access, resulting in body dysmorphia, the fear of doing bad when you aren't even good, and the fear of doing good because people might start expecting more from you, you can make an entire Cards Against Humanity deck about my stupid chungus life. Beyond repair and unlovable, neither stepping closer to anyone in fear of them seeing a grotesque display of a body cracked all over the surface with black goo spilling out the crevices nor shaking anyone's hand in fear of the malign substance latching onto poor, poor individuals who dare get near.

There are quite a few shows about depression and loneliness but I can't think of anyone else to present this particular aspect of it better than an Asian director with an Asian cast. No one else hammers themselves down to be acceptable better than us. More than the fact that the '90s–'00s alternative rock soundtrack of the show was to indulge millennial audiences, Drive by Incubus is also kind of the perfect anthem in occupying the driver's seat instead of letting shame press the pedal. Road rage strongly not advised.

[spongki]

kiss me now that i'm older!

How does one even begin to describe the feeling of turning twenty-three in a place you grew up in and left at seventeen? A lot can happen in six years. I don't think I was even the same person last week. It's a surreal feeling—retracing steps and rediscovering my "hometown" that I didn't even consider as such until I left. For once, I felt comfortable in a place that used to make me so uneasy, so angry. Dubai being a place of relief is something that I would have never imagined. My teenage self wanted nothing but out. But like I've said, a lot can happen in six years. It was also my first time traveling long-distance in a while. I missed the airports, the plane rides, the whole thing. I was bound to see Dubai from rose-tinted glasses.

It felt exactly like the first time I had arrived as a five-year-old. My sister took me everywhere. I also celebrated my birthday with a cake. I don't remember the last birthday I had a cake. I felt like a kid. And I feel like I have to mention that I've had this write-up in my Drafts before my friend said the exact same thing while we were briefly discussing the topic of travel. I guess it really does bring back that childlike sense of wonder and excitement in people. In my case, distance most likely made my heart grow fonder.*

Anyway, you can tell this post remained stagnant in my Drafts for too long because it is starting to lose direction. I definitely knew where I was going with this a few months ago. I went to Dubai last June. I started this draft around August. It's November. Knowing myself, it's probably the same existential clichés I think about during my birthdays. *Strike one. Then, some more clichéd thesis statements like: Where's my life headed? How do I overanalyze the significance of my birthday's setting? Nobody likes you when you're twenty-three.

Don't mistake this for me antagonizing myself. That's one thing I'm trying not to do at twenty-three onwards. I just lost my train of thought, is all. I can laugh at myself now, too. Above all, I really just want to quickly segue into showing you my gorgeous Tadanobu Asano cake.

[spongki]

23-10-25

To Ortigas

[spongki]

I was determined to get out of this rut and prevent the mold growth in my brain so I made sure that this solo trip was going to happen.

I saw a Vietnamese film called "Don't Cry, Butterfly" for free today and bought myself milk tea from a store with virtually no branches around my area. Stubbornly walked a kilometer and a half to this Taiwanese food place I've been eyeing instead of taking the train. That was basically my itinerary for the entire day. Went beyond my steps quota today and for that I'm happy - I'm almost 25 so there's no time to fuck around when it comes to my physical health (tell that to the part of my brain that engages in bed-rotting and binge eating as forms of self-harm).

Wasn't impressed by the peanut sesame noodles pictures above but it inspired me to make this dish at home and tweak it to my liking. God, I'm really getting older.

Brief thoughts about the film I saw. Every time I see crisp visuals and beautiful lighting I'm always like, "was this shot on film?" 4/5 times I'm right. Not sure about this one. I didn't expect the cinema to be packed so I went 5 minutes after the scheduled time. I was going to shamelessly capture a still from the movie if there were not that much people around. Yes, I'm that kind of person.

There's another upcoming film festival (QCinema) and one of the screening venues is around this area as well. It's fun being a cinephile in the Philippines. Not fun if you're not from Manila but I try. The journey sometimes makes it worth it.

[spongki]

23-10-25

To Ortigas

[spongki]

Lately I've been reminiscing random areas of my childhood, reconstructing photographic memories of what's once been. I remember specific corners where the sun lit and where the laughter was loud. I remember being kissed goodbye by my mom as I'm half-awake while she reminds me to heat the food she had left for me in the microwave and a handwritten note just in case my little self was too sleepy to pick all of those up. I remember sitting in front of the television in the dark, waiting for my favorite programs to play, not knowing that it would be the last time my mom ever showed me affection. It sucks having such vivid memories of childhood, because then I'm also able to pinpoint the exact moment where the novelty of having a child to my parents had worn out.