To be completely honest, I don't even know where to begin. It is one of those things where I have so much to say and yet don't have the words at the same time. This will not be the best written blog post. I am not going for quality here, but for honesty. It is time to be honest. With myself, and with all of you who follow me as Spoonful Of Fit (SOF). Many of you follow me on Facebook, others also on Instagram, and some just here on my blog.
Before I go further into telling my personal story and situation, let me just say that this is MY STORY. This does not mean that others can't be passionate about fitness without being obsessed. This is not to say that others can't have balance. But for me, I couldn't handle it. What was too much for me may totally be fine for others. I do NOT judge others or their lifestyle in ANY WAY, SHAPE, or FORM. But this is what happened to me...
Those that follow me, know the gist of my story. I discovered fitness in December of 2011 and fell in love with it. I began this relationship with it that brought to life a passion I had never known. The empowerment I felt from feeling strong, feeling healthy, seeing results, and looking the best I ever had was liberating and satisfying in the deepest way. Unfortunately, as can happen in human relationships, my relationship with fitness became extremely unhealthy. It was something I kind of struggled with for a while. I was walking on that fine line for a while. Fitness was one strand away from being an obsession. I started SOF with every intention of being a positive role model to others. I was looking to motivate, encourage, inspire, and help others. For a while, I felt good and successful at it. I loved helping other women learn how to live healthy, with balance and purpose.
Somewhere along the line between June (when I started SOF) and now, I lost myself in my passion. It crossed the line into an obsession that instead of built me up, it broke me down. I was in the best shape of my life, but it wasn't good enough. I wanted to be leaner and more cut. I wanted to decrease my body fat as much as I could. I had a six pack, but it wasn't "popping" enough for my satisfaction. I looked in the mirror and all I could see were my flaws and shortcomings. All I saw was how much I didn't look or feel like the fitness models or fitness competitors. Images flooded my mind as I spent all my free time looking at inspirational photos on Facebook, magazines, and Instagram. I would compare myself to others and use that "fitspiration" to drive myself to be good enough for me.
My mind was on fitness mode 24/7. I woke up 4:15 a.m. every morning. YES, every morning. I didn't take rest days. I felt guilty if I didn't workout one day. Here I was, telling other women to rest and not to over-train, yet in my own dark and secret world, I was going against my very advice. I became OBSESSED with my caloric burns on my Polar FT Heart Rate Monitor and would get so mad at myself when I saw my burns decreasing even though I was working harder than ever. I was eating the cleanest diet ever. Only veggies, lean proteins, water, and I cut my carbs drastically. I wouldn't even touch fruit. In my mind, fruit = sugar, and sugar would inhibit my ab progress.
^ Here, about six weeks ago, I announced on my Instagram that I was doing a photo shoot and that I was going to prep to get in the best shape ever for it. I was going to be EVEN STRICTER on diet, UP my cardio, and look amazing for this shoot. I am a natural perfectionist. I put pressure on myself in everything I do, and it can be my best quality and worst quality all at the same time. In this case, it brought out the worst in me. The pressure of the shoot was just too much for me to take. In my mind, that camera was going to zero in on everything I have been working towards. On the outside, to others, maybe I looked good, but you see, to someone who is dealing with such a distorted vision of herself, I fell short. My worst fear was seeing the final pictures and not liking what I saw. It's like when you watch a scary movie, and you seriously do not want to open your eyes because you are so afraid and nervous of what you will see when you look. I know to many, this may be the craziest thing you ever heard, but it is truly what was going on in my head.
So I used that fear of failure, and it became my motivator. I pushed and pushed my body. I was running on little sleep, my mind was on fitness EVERY WAKING MOMENT. I was pushing my body seven days a week in the gym, eating low carbs, limiting fat intake, and wanted to cut as much as possible. Not only did I want to look good in my pictures, but now that I knew what being lean and having popping muscle and a six pack looked like, I NEVER wanted to go back. Every morning, the first thing I would do, was go look in the mirror to be sure that my six pack was there. I wanted to look better than I did the day before. Looking at what I achieved was my only source of feeling good about myself. My body image was my self-worth. I had this hunger to be better and look better. Stagnant was not an option. I wanted PERFECTION.
As as result of my lifestyle and desire, is what happened to me:
I remember taking these pictures (the bottom row was just about 2 weeks ago, the top about a month ago) and feeling so proud. I had NEVER looked so lean in my life. But to be 100% honest, I was so weak while taking these pictures. I felt sick, dizzy, and low on energy, but still managed to go to the gym after taking them for my workout. Looking at these pictures was my motivation that what I was doing was working and could get me to what I wanted to be. I don't know what my body fat percentage or weight is in these pictures, because I am never weighed myself or got my body fat tested, but I can tell you that I haven't had my menstrual cycle since April of this year, so it is pretty low.
The past few weeks, I literally feel as if I hit a wall going 100 miles an hour. I crashed. Burnt out. At first, I thought, "well, that was just a bad workout." or "I just need to get to bed earlier." But then, I started feeling very irritable and on-edge. I was cold all the time. My hair was falling out. I was having trouble functioning, even at work. I worked at a desk job, and I could barely make it through the day. I would come home and lay down all night and on weekends, all I wanted to do after my morning workout was sleep all day. So, I thought, well, maybe I just need to change my workout time. So, as I announced on Instagram, I changed my work schedule to workout in the evenings instead. That first evening workout, I left the gym nearly in tears. It had NOTHING to do with whether I worked out in the morning or the evening. I literally had NO strength to even walk on incline on the treadmill. I could barely lift the 10 pound dumbbells. I felt like I was going to collapse. My heart rate would not even go up on my heart rate monitor for the life of me.
I know a lot of people have been questioning why I have been so absent on my SOF Facebook page. Well, this is all the reason for that. There is a reason I am posting less on Instagram about my workouts. The truth of the matter is, I am suffering burnout. I could barely keep myself together, so on how earth could I go and motivate others? I felt like such a failure. I had no energy to even function, let alone be of any encouragement to anyone else. I was depressed, I was on edge, I was angry for no reason, I was exhausted, and I was drained. I could sleep for 10 hours straight wake up feeling exhausted as if I got no sleep at all. It took all my energy just to take a shower. I literally felt like a 90 year-old woman. I felt like my body weighed 5,000 pounds. I felt heavy and weak, even laying down. I stayed home from work on Wednesday because I couldn't get out of bed and I went to the doctor's this morning and my doctor only confirmed what I kind of already knew after doing some research of my own. ADRENAL FATIGUE. I have nearly every symptom of it. Here are the 30 most common symptoms:
The 30 symptoms include, but are not limited to:
1. Excessive fatigue and exhaustion, chronic fatigue
2. Non-refreshing sleep
3. Sleep disturbance, insomnia
4. Feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope
5. Craving salty and/or sweet foods
6. Sensitivity to light
7. Low stamina and slow to recover from exercise
8. Slow to recover from injury or illness
9. Difficulty concentrating, brain fog
10. Poor digestion
11. Irritable bowel syndrome, IBS
12. Low immune function
13. Premenstrual syndrome
14. Menopause symptoms
15. Low blood pressure
16. Sensitivity to cold
17. Fearfulness
18. Allergies,
19. Frequent influenza
20. Arthritis
21. Anxiety
22. Irritability
23. Depression
24. Reduced memory
25. Low libido, sexual drive or interest
26. Lack of lust for life and/or food
27. Excess hunger
28. Low appetite
29. Panic/anxiety attacks
30. Irritability, impatience, quick to anger.
(Source: http://selfadjustingtechnique.com/30-symptoms-of-adrenal-fatigue/)
My doctor was actually upset, because she said at the rate I was going, I could have a heart attack because of what I am doing to my body. My blood pressure is extremely low and she said if I want to get my menstrual cycle and estrogen levels at what they should be, I need to up my fats in my diet by a lot and put some "healthy" weight back on my bones. She said that on the outside, I may look healthy, but on the inside, I am so deficient in so many areas including iron levels, cholesterol, vitamin D, and estrogen.
So, needless to say, I am taking this week off of the gym. I am incorporating healthy carbs and definitely upping my healthy fats in my diet. A lot of this is a mental thing I will have to work through to do this. For so long, I deprived myself of so many foods because they weren't "clean" enough.
But from now on, I will eat a freaking apple if I want to and not worry about the sugar content in a piece of fruit. I did the math and realized that it has been since January of this year that I had an actual cheat meal, unless you are counting half of a mini size Pinkberry yogurt. YES, HALF OF A MINI SIZE. Or unless you are counting the 4 glasses of wine I have had in the past year. I haven't had a single french fry, bite of regular bread, regular frozen yogurt, slice of pizza, or ANYTHING in over 10 months! I'm not saying junk food is the answer, but I have deprived myself SO much for so long and for the wrong reasons.
^^^ This is all easier said than done. I have some physiological things to work through. I need to learn to let go of the image I have of needing to be perfect. I need to redefine what healthy is. I need to learn to love my body and be healthy, but let myself be human. I need to learn to truly take a rest day.
I have had a huge eye opening experience in the past week. I have learned a few really important things.
1.) FIT and HEALTHY does NOT mean PERFECT. There is no such thing as perfection. Fitness models and athletes are SO inspirational, but I can't idolize them in the sense that I want to be them. I will be healthy and in shape, I will be fit and strong. I will be ME.
2.) My worth is NOT in my SIX PACK. <--- Yes, it really got to that point for me. As I put on healthy weight, my abs will not be what they were, I am sure. I am really struggling to accept that, but I need to and I will.
3.) BALANCE is absolutely necessary and DOES NOT equal WEAKNESS. Duh, of course, I am not going to go all crazy and eat doughnuts and pizza all day long, I LOVE my healthy eats. But like I said, a piece of fruit or an occasional frozen yogurt will not be the end of me and not equate me to being a failure. I can take a rest day, maybe even two, in a week without gaining all my weight back or losing all I worked for overnight.
As I said earlier, I totally give props to those that are able to pull the two-a-days at the gym, or follow a competitors diet. I admire those that have it in them to push through to run 10 miles a day at the gym or rock an ultra rock hard six pack all year round. But, for my body, that was too much. It told me, "Crystal, enough is enough." I am listening to my body. If there is one thing about me that hasn't changed through all this, it is believing that my body is my temple, and I need to treat it as such. I only have one life, and one body, and I need to love it and treat it right.
I love you all and thank you for your support, but as I go through this transition process, I may be shutting down my Spoonful Of Fit Facebook page, or at least taking a break from it. I won't be posting on the blog for now. I will keep my Instagram active and open, but I may not post as frequently. I also will be changing my name. Not sure what to yet, but Spoonful Of Fit is just not me anymore. This is going to be a new season and a new me. A balanced and healthy me. A me full of life and energy, not perfectionism and exhaustion. If I lose followers because of this, then I do. Right now, the important thing to me, is to get my health back on track. I need to regain my strength and energy. I need to be honest because just in case any of you are going through something similar, I want you to know that you are not alone. As for me, I need to find my balance and myself.
So this was much longer of a post than I anticipated, but it is real, raw, and candid. It is the ugly truth. I'm just throwing it out like word vomit (Mean Girls anyone?? haha). It is time to close this chapter in my life and open up a new one. A fresh me and a fresh start. Thank you for listening.
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