in the days after you died id wake up and for about ten seconds of fogginess you were still alive and i was going to text you the craziest thing, i just had a dream you took your own life, it was the scariest dream ive ever had, please let me help you, heart emoji, rabbit emoji.
and then i would slowly phase out of the white cloud where i could reach you through my phone, and i remember you are dead. but i still feel the urge to lift my phone and text you, because ive known you for years and now every text message sent by you seems like it should be framed and quoted by the masses and never be forgotten by anyone. i want to reach out and cant believe that i cant, but i can look at my phone and see everything you once wrote to me.
i dont know how to talk to you, ive put a letter by your grave, texted you like a fool knowing your phone will never be turned on again, i dream about seeing you again and i cry and i wake up in a cold sweat where i imagine your beautiful self under the ground.
how much love you had in your heart, it was used against you. coffee was too strong for you, so you'd order hot chocolate instead. you took everything to heart because it was so big, it could suck anything in it. how you loved cats and rabbits, you loved to knit, you never once in your entire life made me feel anything but loved and cherished.
how could you be so fragile and sensitive, and at the same time put on a brave face while checking in to a hotel, to take a drug strong enough to put people to rest.
i miss you so fucking much, i try to imagine you in heaven but all i imagine is your cold body in the dirt, and it makes my heart twitch and ache, all the beauty and wisdom in you has froze and left a dark mass all around me.
i love you so much d, you'll always be my friend, ill never let you go.
