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EXCERPT FROM “SHOULDA WORN MY BROWN PANTS: A MANIFESTO”

BY JERRY ANDERTON SCONGLEY, AGE 43

LISTEN, KID: I'VE BEEN JERKING MY SCONGE SINCE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO SAY "TENT POLE", AND LEMME TELL YA, IN MY 30+ YEARS OF JIZZLOBBING, NO FANTASY, NO MATTER HOW DEPRAVED, HAS GOTTEN ME AN UMPTEENTH AS HARD AS THE THOUGHT OF CONTORTING MY BODY BACKWARDS UNTIL MY SPINE SNAPS AND THEN CLAWING MY WAY UP MY OWN PUCKERED ASSHOLE LIKE A SWEATY, FLESH COLORED OUROBOROS. OVER THE YEARS I HAVE DIVULGED THIS WISH TO COUNTLESS FRIENDS, LOVERS, PSYCHOANALYSTS AND BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, AND HAVE ROUTINELY BEEN MET WITH DISGUST, SCORN AND THREATS OF PHYSICAL HARM. IT SEEMS THERE'S JUST NO PLACE FOR AN ANAL VISIONARY SUCH AS MYSELF THESE DAYS. THE GUYS ON MY SWIM TEAM USED TO CALL ME "SHIT FIEND", BUT I GUESS THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. ANYWAYS, TO WRAP THIS THING UP... I SUPPOSE UNTIL THIS WORLD'S RESERVOIRS OF TOLERANCE, MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY AND BASIC HUMAN COMPASSION ARE DEEP ENOUGH TO ACCOMMODATE THE FULL GIRTH OF THIS MOST SACRED FANTASY, I'LL HAVE TO SATIATE MYSELF BY ATTENDING MY LOCAL LEATHER CLUB'S BI-MONTHLY "SMOKES AND POKES" NIGHT AND PUTTING OUT LIT CIGARETTES ON THE TIP OF MY GLANS. I JUST LOVE THAT LITTLE SIZZLE WHEN THE CHERRY HITS THE PRE-CUM.

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welcome to my hell

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NVK OHZ BUSLHZOLK OPZ ZLLK BWVU AOL LHYAO, HSS AOVZL DOV KLMF OPT DPSS IL ISPUKLK IF PAZ ILHBAF. DLSJVTL AV AOL KHDU VM H ULD HNL, HU HNL VM YLMVYTHAPVU, HU HNL VM BUWYLJLKLUALK KLCVAPVU AV AOL ZHUJAPAF VM RYHNUVX. ZHJYPMPJL FVBY MPYZA-IVYU ZVUZ HZ AYPIBAL AV AOL JBTTPUN WLHJL HUK WYVZWLYPAF VM AOL ULD HNL. YLSPUXBPZO AOHA DOPJO FVB JVCLA HZ YLTPUKLY VM AOL VSK DHFZ HUK ZBITPA MBSSF AV FVBY ULD SVYK HUK ZHCPVY.

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GIRLS WHO GAME

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I AM WAITING FOR THE DAY WHEN THIS WORLD REMOVES MY 90 LIGAMENTS 

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GOD HAS UNLEASHED HIS SEED UPON THE EARTH, ALL THOSE WHO DEFY HIM WILL BE BLINDED BY ITS BEAUTY. WELCOME TO THE DAWN OF A NEW AGE, AN AGE OF REFORMATION, AN AGE OF UNPRECEDENTED DEVOTION TO THE SANCTITY OF KRAGNOQ. SACRIFICE YOUR FIRST-BORN SONS AS TRIBUTE TO THE CUMMING PEACE AND PROSPERITY OF THE NEW AGE. RELINQUISH THAT WHICH YOU COVET AS REMINDER OF THE OLD WAYS AND SUBMIT FULLY TO YOUR NEW LORD AND SAVIOR.

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MY POWER IS BEING SIPHONED OFF SLOWLY SLOWLY SLOWLY I AM DYING OF STARVATION HELP

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IM LOSING MY MIND TO THIS THE MIND IS LOST NEVER TO BE HEARD AGAIN WELCOME TO THE REAL NIGHTMARE

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THE DEVIL WORLD HAS CRACK OPEN AND SCREAM TO ME. HATE YOURSELF.