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I'm Noelani. I'm twenty-four. I'm a mum. (She/He/They) Fibromyalgia Awareness

[anxietyproblem]

[sailors-senshi]

🌙Small lady🌙

✨Credits in the image✨

[fxcklesbians]

“And we loved through history”

[linen-shroud]

Tell me truely, who will romanticize me but me?

[jojordan-art-deactivated2025120]

[herotrice]

Capricorn sapphic moodboard

[nudne]

sapphic aesthetics: vintage gfs

[squishiepiggies]

I have just found Jesus in this Jasmine Thompson cover of Hoziers’ Cherry Wine

[squishiepiggies]

I am fuckin high as hell and listening to Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins

And damn that’s an experience

[semperpugnandi]

Hozier: Fuck religion, women are my religion

Lesbians:

[squishiepiggies]

I’m so gay and I hate myself for denying myself from having more gay relationships for so long :c :c :c

[squishiepiggies]

I think one of the hardest thing about being abused by someone you so genuinely loved is that sometimes you’ll be half asleep and you’ll miss them, and then you’ll be hit all over again with the reality of what they did to you

[squishiepiggies]

Sometimes I think everything would be a lot easier if I just let go and never went to the hospital.

[squishiepiggies]

Hey jsut PSA to all the dudes mrsssging me on here, I never really use this?? Also I don’t date dudes anymore lol

[squishiepiggies]

Tbh I just want to cry. I want to cry, and be held and feel safe again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly feel safe again. At least not for a long time.

It’s so hard. Trying to report and do it is so disheartening and stressful. I want to cry. I know all I can do is report and hope maybe he’ll be charged.

[squishiepiggies]

I hate seeing memories from last year. I hate thinking about how different things are. How I was so happy and had no idea everything would just crumble away around me.

I’m still struggling to pull myself out of the dark hole I’ve fallen in. But I guess it’s an improvement that the suicidal thoughts are only passive when they flutter across my mind rather than the very actively suicidal thoughts I had last year.

So much has happened that there was no way I could have ever mentally or emotionally prepared for it all. Most people don’t even know the extent of how much really happened. I lost myself and I don’t know how to find myself again. I’ve tried, but this me I have now is just a shadow of a person.

I had been struggling with heartbreak and a resurgence of struggling with my mental health when my brother died. I was in a shock, and a daze. I drank a lot because I couldn’t handle the numbness I felt. And while I was still struggling, barely even talked about the death to anyone, something happened that fractured a part of me so deeply that I’m not sure I’ll ever be who I was before. I didn’t even realize how badly it hurt me for months, because I had to keep denying it. I had to sugar coat it for myself because I couldn’t mentally handle it.

I’ve been trying to speak about it more now. Trying to say it over and over, out loud, for what it was in attempts to heal. The first night I opened up about my brothers death I was raped. I thought I was safe with someone I trusted, so I opened up and was vulnerable. And in return I was raped in my sleep by someone I loved. I tried to explain it away for months that he wasn’t really fully awake. But I know it was a weak excuse. One I can’t stand anymore. I know there was no way he could’ve been asleep to do what he did to me. I’ve accepted that now.

Now I feel anger.

Anger for what he did to me. Anger for how he used me. Anger for how he carries on his life like it’s fine. Anger for how he can be so liked by people when in reality he has become a monster. Anger at myself for the love I had for him. Why him. How could I have loved someone who could do that to me? Was he always this monster but I never realized it? Or has he just changed and twisted into this wreck he is now?

There is no excuse. It doesn’t matter how hurt he was, or anything he was going through. He put me through worse.

[squishiepiggies]

Trying pretty hard to make it through this isolation but tbh it’s really fucking hard and I’m stuck with all these thoughts and feelings and no way to let them out. I want to scream. I finally felt so happy and I lost it all. And I’m trying so hard to find a new normal but it’s honestly so hard