The Unraveling
Gratitude. Albeit a very lovely, necessary and powerful practice has sometimes been a way for me to minimize, to cover up and to pretend - in my own humble and personal experience that is. My mother used to say,"Life is so precious" and "You have so much to be grateful for!". This was sometimes in response to my feelings of depression, hurt, inner turmoil and despair. And it probably had something to do with my father. See, my father died right before her eyes at the ripe young age of 27. He just collapsed and she watched him slip away right before her. And she was left with the heartache, trauma and broken pieces - utter confusion and disorientation I imagine. Heartbreak of the deepest kind. So my mother surely knows a thing or two about appreciating life, relishing in the moments, and how not to take anything for granted. A beautiful teaching I received from her and has too been a necessary part of my journey. So yes, gratitude and appreciating life and making the most out of life are important...crucial actually. However, on the flip side, I've started to wonder "what I" there's a good good reason God designed me as a deep, deep feelings-person with tendencies towards melancholy and reflectiveness? Not so much as to be a drag or downer, miserly or UNGRATEFUL; but rather what if this is purposefully the way I've been programmed to experience life because there are meaningful stories I'm supposed to share OF these experiences? What if the churnings in my heart are meant to be shared with the world and require a voice? What if all these life lessons and massive feelings are fuel for my creativity and can be of help, value and inspiration to others? And if not any of these above, at the very least what if I just need to HONOR and tell my own story for personal healing and evolution? Quite frankly I've spent most of my life trying to fit in. I've tried tirelessly to adapt to my surroundings, to be as other people seem to be, to 'get with the program' so to speak, to be included and deemed "ok" in the crowd. This was mostly because I didn't want to be TRAMPLED by the crowd. I didn't want to be eaten alive in the trenches and hallways of the primary and secondary education system and all the social expectations it requires and entails in order NOT to be eaten alive. I mean, you saw the movie 'Mean Girls' right? So hence, these adaptive efforts to fit in were all very good and necessary in many ways...don't get me wrong. Survival of the fittest! And "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" and all that jazz. And maybe sometimes in order to get by in life without too much drama, heartache or drawing negative attention to oneself, we just have to go along with the current for awhile. I personally became a master of going-along-with-the-current - a "yes m'ame" and "please don't hurt me or be angry with me" kind of girl. The kind, comforting and sweet sidekick. This was my M.O. for decades in order to not rock the boat and to stay safe. Invisible even. Maybe this becomes "the way" for a lot of us. However, then there comes a point (if we're lucky and open enough) where the parroted way of being in the world becomes painful; pathological even. We're maybe suddenly aware of this unconscious wiring to remain mediocre and half-asleep and safe in the status-quo. And something deep inside of us begins to sense that things just aren't quite right. Even if life is pretty darn ok, maybe something feels flat on the inside - like we're caught in a robotic loop day in and day out (like the movie, The Matrix).and maybe the time comes when the pain of remaining the same pushes us beyond the pain change - of stepping out and being vulnerable. One day something snaps, something "clicks" and we're tuned into a different channel. We finally hear some distant call to be Brave - to shed the years and years and cloaks and cloaks of appearances and social norms and labels we've swallowed and identified with just because it made things easier for everyone. The heart begins to cry out more clearly and loudly than ever before. And...something within will not let us ignore it. We are finally ready to receive. Something within us begins to trust enough to uncover the clues and messages coming from a deep space within - a space we don't necessarily recognize, isn't logical and appears kind of out of left field. It also seems "crazy". We have no idea where this call is going to lead and it's a mixture of exciting and terrifying. It may look like we're giving up everything we've ever known. It may require we (ahem, "I") are lonely for awhile because no one quite understands (I think John Mayer sings about it so eloquently when he says, "everybody's just a stranger; that's the danger in going my own way"). We may be seen as crazy or "irresponsible" (that's my personal favorite) or not realistic and "God forbid! What will the neighbors think?!". It appears as utter chaos and dis-orderliness. The clamor of these inner and outer opinions can also seem so convincing and real truth. We may even come close to calling it all off and going back to what we know. However, regardless of all the mental noise and clamor described above, the real truth may be that we're on the verge of some major life-miracle instead. For me personally, I realized that in letting go of everything I knew for so long (a huge daunting risk and task), I had nowhere left to turn other than to open up completely to the unknown. A real terrifying task which unearthed a inner cyclone of major identity crisis. It forced me to desperately consider (reluctantly, apprehensively) a life experience not cluttered by past labels and seeming limitations. A sort of 'vacuum' and space became available within me. And there's this great expression which says, "Nature abhors a vacuum". To me, this essentially means if I make room in my life (by letting one or many things go that I've been holding onto) then ... something else is available to come on in. Suddenly there is available space for new-ness. And this "new-ness" quite possibly is even more good and grand than I/we could have ever imagined. While all of this is unfolding, it could very well feel like everything is falling apart. And actually it IS falling apart. But only because it's a necessary unraveling. It's stripping away all the illusions that have been holding you and me back and holding us up - they're falling one by one away. And sometimes shedding old skin is painful. See, my old ways were very safe and limiting. I stuck to what I knew and what I thought others deemed as 'ok' and acceptable. I didn't know I had freedoms or permission to choose differently. And what I really didn't know was that the only person I really needed permission from was myself. And the beauty is, I didn't even need to know how it was all going to work out - albeit a scary leap into the unknown, that's the magic of it all too because if Its an "unknown" to me, my mind then can't clutter it all up with what it "thinks" it knows. It can be all brand new - "beginners mind" they say. It's a Grand Leap of Faith. I was definitely afraid of the chaos that might ensue if I walked a road less traveled. Outer chaos for sure, but I knew deep down I'd confront massive inner chaos as well. And embarking into the depths of one's own soul is not a journey for the faint of heart. A couple months ago, it was late at night and I felt myself really sweating but on the INSIDE. I was completely tidal waved by strong emotions, blatant painful awareness of my flaws and heavy contemplation. I was living in a Homestay in Bali, Indonesia. There was an eccentric yet lovely man who lived up on the roof. I went upstairs to ask him to help me look for (and get rid of) whatever creature or insect I suspected was in my room. After this mission was resolved, he sat with me outside on my balcony. He proceeded to ask, "What's going on with you?". He was no fool - he knew I was in a deep inner process and could sense I was distressed. Without even knowing how to describe or what I was going to say, I blurted out, "I just don't know who I AM anymore". It really surprised me what just came out of my mouth. What it meant to me was - I didn't recognize who I was in the world anymore. I didn't know which was up or which way was down. I analyzed and questioned my every little move and motive (I.e. "Why am I doing or saying this?", "Am I doing this because I'm avoiding something or is it really how I feel?, What's motivating me? Do I need to push myself here or let go?, Am I making a mistake?, Am I just stuck in some pattern here?"). My interactions with others and my footing in the world felt sloppy and awkward and frustrating. People didn't understand me. I was trying so hard. Nothing was truly familiar anymore. I had now been living in Bali for 6 months and what used to be second nature for me (aka living and breathing) suddenly felt upside down and spewed in all directions like liquid in a blender with the top off. Here I was trying to collect pieces but then was realizing that perhaps these "pieces" didn't quite fit me anymore. Well, they at the very least weren't WORKING like they had before. This left me feeling like a stranger in a strange land - seriously doubting myself and all decisions I had ever made in my life time. There's something about moving to another country that really shakes up that inner snow globe and has you looking at yourself from new angles and inevitably questioning your way of living and being in the world. Like I said earlier, for so long I had been identified with so many things and people and animals that I truly mistook this as the essence of me. I couldn't imagine living life otherwise nor did I know I COULD. I came for the land of 'have to's" and "shoulds" and "this is just how you do it" and "who do you think you are?!". Here I now was in foreign land and the truth is, I really felt foreign to MYSELF. In so many actually and literal ways, I was like a brand new baby - stumbling and awkward and 'lost ' and feeling so confused and unsure about myself and life. It just really threw me to say the least. I was officially and completely "unraveling" And...it was terrifying - ESPECIALLY for someone who had worked so hard to appear so "together" and calm and collected for so long. I prided myself on it. So when I uttered these heart and gut wrenching words to my Homestay friend ("I just don't know who I AM anymore"), his eyes widened with excitement and awe. "This is good, Sara.",he replied. "Now the REAL you can come forward."