1. Never take your wife wheeling AND forget the toilet paper.
2. Always blame your spotter.
3. A taller lift and larger tires will temporarily lower the driver’s IQ.
4. Never own more than one Jeep at a time.
5. All mud, no matter where it is in the world, smells like ass.
6. And the worse the mud smells, the greater the likelihood of you having to climb out and pull cable.
7. When someone says that you are standing in their line……..move!
8. Conversely, when I tell you my rig is going to be where you are standing in just a second…..it is.
9. “Just bump it a little” is not a phrase understood by most people. Get the hell out of the way.
10. Repeat after me…..”Honey, if I can just get this one last part, the Jeep will be done”.
11. The Jeep is never “done”. Anyone who says that theirs is, is lying.
12. Never lock a D30.
13. Never lock a D35. And btw, there’s no such thing as a Super 35.
14. Set up your winch remote BEFORE you need it…..Dumbass!
15. Tevas are not suitable footwear for wheeling.
16. Don’t forget the bug spray.
17. Oops is not a word you want to hear from your mechanic, your Doctor or particularly, your spotter.
18. Yes, your rig is going to get scratched. If you have an aversion to this, stay home. Better yet, buy a Honda.
19. One man’s definition of a stocker run is not necessarily another’s. Take a look at the person’s rig for clarification.
20. Extreme depends on your point of view.
21. Stay far, far away from the “hold my beer and watch this” crowd.
22. Never wheel alone. And never forget your winch remote in the barn……..ever.
23. Never, ever spot for your wife or girlfriend.
24. Whatever tool you need, just stop looking now…..it’s at home in the garage.
25. No, I will not run the winch for you. I will stand behind a tree out of the line of fire.
26. If you enjoy standing in the rain, up to your knees in mud, getting eaten by mosquitoes the size of small birds, all the while tearing up hundred dollar bills, you’re going to love wheeling.
27. Have proper recovery points, because if it means me not missing dinner, I will rip the front axle right out from under your rig.
28. When someone is decent enough to tell you that you can’t make a particular obstacle (see #33), do yourself a favor and listen to them.
29. Windows and top up and AC on does not make you a pussy. It makes you smarter than they are.
30. The primary uses of the CB radio are to heckle your friends and to decide where you’re going to eat and drink after the run.
31. Turn the damned CB off when you go into the restaurant however so that I don’t have to jump your rig.
32. Anyone with a programmable horn should never be allowed to wheel with you.
33. Just remember when your “friends” are “encouraging” you, they all have their cameras out.
34. If you don’t think it’s a good idea, it probably isn’t.
35. Never wheel with Subarus.
36. Momentum can be your friend but speed almost never is.
37. Avoid people who think that money can buy talent.
38. If someone says, “just bounce it off the rev limiter”, bounce something off their head.
39. Never discuss politics, religion or tires in polite company.
40. If the person in front of you does something stupid, you are under no obligation to make the same mistake.
41. Money and enthusiasm does not a wheeler make. Stay far away from the highly enthused noob.
42. Gas up BEFORE you arrive at the trailhead because next time we’re leaving your dumb ass.
43. Never be enticed by the phrase, “that line has never been successfully done before”.
44. Always check actual retail price of Jeep parts BEFORE you buy something on CL that looks like a good deal.
45. Never buy gears or tires used.
46. Be very selective about who you will let spot for you, VERY selective.
47. Washing transfer case parts in the dishwasher is very effective. Just don’t get caught.
48. Discretion is always the better part of valor.
49. Never make a bet that will cause you to have to wear a dress on the next run if you lose.
50. When your wife tells you not to do something……don’t.
51. Never make banjo sounds where the indigenous population can hear you.
52. Always use the valet cart to move your doors into your room at a five star resort.
53. A guy wearing a “Trail Guide” shirt is, in all likelihood, no smarter than you are. Witness the fact that I own several
54. Get in, sit down, hold on and shut up.
55. Addendum to above. When I panic then you can.
56. Glazed donuts make great hamburger buns.
57. Gas prices rise along with the size of your rig.
58. Breakdowns are exponentially more expensive the bigger your rig gets.
59. With very few exceptions, leave spares home. You’re not going to have what you need anyway.
60. Exceptions include belts, hoses and u-joints.
61. Speed costs money. How slow do you want to go?
62. When wheeling with a large group, always try to be near the front of the pack. Trust me.
63. When someone says, “trust me”, run and hide.
64. 35s will not fit on your Libby. I don’t care what the tire store told you.
65. Don’t take your doors off on a muddy day.
66. “Trail Rated” does not mean what you think it does.
67. It doesn’t mean what Jeep thinks it does either.
68. One spotter at a time. The rest of y’all can STFU!
69. Self explanatory.
70. Life is too short to drink cheap beer or to wheel with assholes.
71. After three unsuccessful tries, pull cable.
72. Any more than that and the rest of us will encourage you to do something really stupid.
73. Wheel while you can because the vocal minority wants the keys to your rig.
74. No one will get a picture of you conquering the unconquerable, but screw up just this much and everybody gets it on film.
75. The camera never does justice to the terrain.
76. Ignore the moron with the junkyard refugee who says that you never wheel.
77. Just buy the ProRock 44 and be done with it……life is too short for major projects.
78. A TJ frame in the Northeast is rusted. I don’t care how good it looks.
79. The next new Jeep will be a disappointment to enthusiasts also…..get used to it.
80. Never attend a wheeling event with the intention of just watching. It never works out.
81. Air down.
82. Put it in 4WD before you think you need to. Don’t be “that” guy.
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