My Life in (Trans)ition

[ssmtransgirl]

This was officially the first day of spring for me. The sun was warm and bright, the wind was gentle if non existent, and the day just felt nice. I really enjoyed it.

[ssmtransgirl]

It's been a long ass time since I've posted. In that time I've had a breast augmentation...and continued to just live my life.

Living life is funny... what does that even mean?? Everyday it feels like the world is turning against us...but why??

[ssmtransgirl]

How is everyone doing out there? I'm doing ok, trying to live my best life. Getting prepared for the 2022 Northern Vibe Festival where I'll be DJing under the moniker angelazura (Angel Azura). I look forward to this festival all year and I can't wait. Hope everyone's summer is going well! https://www.instagram.com/p/ChbJnY0uSQu6XJU4XQY76BkeGq3OdCYMw6tWZA0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ssmtransgirl]

It's been a long time since I've updated here. Look, I've been busy. I got a new job, had an orchiectomy, and have been generally been keeping busy.

As far as my transition goes, I'm still going head first into the abyss. I'm waiting to get approval for a Breast Augmentation. Other than that, hair removal continues...and I continue to figure out my style.

The hardest part of being a trans woman is just trying to remember that I'm a woman first and trans second. I shouldn't constantly be comparing myself to other women. Sometimes it's best to just live your life without such thoughts.

[ssmtransgirl]

So I just switched to injections for my hormones. Before this I was using Estradot patches which caused me awful skin reactions. So here's hoping I get good levels from the injections.

I'm going to fight the government for them to cover my breast augmentation. They have a stupid restriction of zero breast growth, which is almost impossible on HRT. So, hopefully the fight goes well!

[ssmtransgirl]

the next step...

So I go for my first transgender related surgery on Wednesday.  I am having a bilateral orchiectomy. People have asked me “why don’t you just have a vaginoplasty and just get it done with?”. Well there are a few reasons... Waitlists for the surgeons I would want to do my vaginoplasty, the cost of travel and accommodations, the current methods, and just an overall desire to take things slow.  I feel like having the orchiectomy is a good step because I will do away with testosterone production (for the most part), and I’ll be able to stop taking the cyproterone. Cyproterone can potentially cause brain cancer after long term use...that’s a good enough reason on its own.

Transition is going very well.  I get gendered correctly until I open my mouth. I guess people just see boobs and a female shape and assume female...which I am definitely ok with.  My name is legally changed...so I am Jessa in all the ways that matter.

I’ll have to post a new picture here soon... I haven’t taken many so I don’t want to post one unless I have a good one.

[ssmtransgirl]

It's been so long, and I apologize. I haven't been posting much on any social media. Social media can sometimes be an albatross around my neck. I just needed to exist as myself for awhile...without outside influences.

I finally got my permanent name change...so Jessa is legally my name! Score!

Did I mention that I hate being mis-gendered.. it happens every day and no matter how much or little effort I put in people always do it. I know it's my voice...and I suck at working at it. Why can't I just push a button and be cis?

[ssmtransgirl]

I haven't posted here in awhile...I plan on changing that. I've just been caught up in life and there hasn't been much to report.

My transition is at a holding point...as sometimes happens when waiting on surgeries, or to get money for surgeries, or other such things. Things at home are stable right now...my partner and I are still struggling to find a way to reconnect intimately...we are just not sure how to do that yet.

I finished school and am just working towards trying to find a job now. I've just been enjoying some time off to unwind after being in school for 3 years.

In the next couple days I'm going to add some new photos..perhaps more creative ones...muffled nudity haha...we will see.

[ssmtransgirl]

I feel like those around me, even those who publicly support me as a transgender woman don't actually view me as a women. I definitely still get treated like I'm a guy, I get lumped in with the guys. I'm so sick of this... Fake support is just as bad as no support. It's like trying to save face when you really don't support your loved one being trans.

It's gotten to the point where I no longer talk about being trans...I just be myself, and leave the trans talk in the background or with my community.

Here's a pic of me having a good day!

[ssmtransgirl]

I am just me... I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. This is my transition timeline/blog. I post here because I hope that maybe there is one person that it inspires or helps. Maybe there's people who relate. Maybe it's just fascination. Whatever the case I am here and visible whether passing or not. We can't all be the top of the pile...but we can all be ourselves...and ultimately that's all that matters!

If you've followed me up til this point, thank you.

[ssmtransgirl]

I affectionately call this photo: Jessa wants breast augmentation!

[ssmtransgirl]

Sometimes I just can't look at pics of other trans women... especially younger trans women...it's not their fault...it's just me and my jealousies. Stupid jealousies....

[ssmtransgirl]

Being transgender is just something about us, it's an attribute. For some of us early in transition it may be a very important attribute...one we focus a lot of time and energy on. For others near the end it may be an afterthought. We are not just transgender though, we are husband's, wives and partners. We are parents. We are soldiers and police, aircraft technicians, electrical engineers, IT specialists. We are teachers, lawyers, and judges...we are internet personalities, DnD gamemasters and students. We are so much more than being transgender. Being trans is part of our lives...it doesn't define our lives.

[ssmtransgirl]

It's funny...I post stuff on tumblr and it seems like people actually read it. I post on Instagram and people click like on the photo but almost no one reads the caption. I don't really care, I just find that an interesting difference between the two platforms. I also feel more comfortable posting and saying stuff on tumblr. I feel sometimes like instagram is a popularity contest, or big circle jerk. It's not like that here...it doesn't feel like a competition. Do I post more on instagram? Yes, but it's mostly just photos while on here I post thoughts and photos...or just thoughts or just photos. I dunno...fuck instagram lol.

[ssmtransgirl]

Happy International Women's day!

[ssmtransgirl]

Sometimes when I'm around guys or see guys I think to myself "are you really really sure you're not a guy?" and just as soon as that thought enters my head it is defeated, and I'll tell you why. I am nothing like a guy, I don't feel like I belong in male dominated social circles and events. The general physicality and being of maleness just is such a turn off when I think of it in relation to myself.

So if you were to ask "how do you know you are a woman then?" That's a hard question to answer. I'm not a woman just because I'm not a man, I could have been non binary, or elsewhere on the gender spectrum. It's just a deep feeling I have at my core, a feeling I can't explain. A feeling I've had almost all my life. It's not about femininity as it relates to gender norms, although I do enjoy most facets of femininity. It's just about who I am, who I know I am.

[ssmtransgirl]

The government turned down my funding request for Breast Augmentation unless I let my doctor physically examine my breasts to see if they meet their criteria for coverage. I feel like this is gatekeeping trans people from getting the care they need. We have no other insurance that covers trans surgeries...if the government refuses to pay for it...you are on your own. This differs from many US healthcare plans that do offer full coverage for trans related surgeries. I'm so disappointed that I'm having a hard time even looking at other post op trans women...because I now feel I'll never get to where I want to be...and I'm fucking jealous as hell that so many get to.

I've thought of fundraising, but I don't really know enough people to raise that sort of money. I dunno, I'm feeling kinda hopeless right now...