[ssweet-inssanityy]

For fucksake.

[ssweet-inssanityy]

the simplicity of being loved.

[ssweet-inssanityy]

i have a question, how is it so easy for you to suggest giving up something i seem to appreciate a little more than you do?

it’s not that i don’t think you care, or that you don’t love me, but why is it so easy for you to suggest letting me go? it’s like i’m so insignificant that one argument is enough to convince you to give up. so replaceable.

“sometimes i feel so disconnected from you”

that one cut deeper than i thought it would, the pain in my chest grows every time i read that line or hear your voice in my head. part of me believes i am strong enough to swallow all the words you use to hurt me when you’re angry, but if i was a realist, i would look myself in the mirror and it would remind me how much it really hurts to hear you say these to me and there’s truth behind your anger. but, i would rather bottle it up and suppress the pain, it seems to be the only thing i tend to do excellent at.

one thing that will continue to fear me is the differences we have that tend to come in-between the way we show each other our emotions, i think i’m doing it good until i get knocked down with the truth that i’m not expressing myself the way you understand me. my actions tend to present the problem.

sometimes an apology letter would be nice. i don’t want to feel like i tend to do the wrong things or i’m robotic, but now you’ve shared your opinion.

it always hurts more when you do care, and you’d like to prove it to them, but you don’t know how and now they’ll just not believe you.

[stricatul]

do you ever get secondhand happiness like someone is happy so you're happy be they're happy

[forbescaroline]

top 100 favorite female characters: #78. penelope park (legacies) “I am an equal opportunity evil temptress and your binary assumptions about sexuality? They’re dated.”

[forbescaroline]

top 100 favorite female characters: #66. lena luthor (supergirl) “I’m just a woman trying to make a name for herself outside of her family.”

[forbescaroline]

top 100 favorite female characters: #11. cheryl blossom (riverdale) “You can’t discriminate against someone because they’re better looking than you.”

[ssweet-inssanityy]

i know u don’t mean to hurt me, but u really do sometimes. 

i don’t understand why u have the ability to destroy me in the palm of ur hands. 

maybe i’m just too emotional and too fragile, its fine. i’ll find a way to heal myself for u. 

[antiopia-deactivated20180324]

[neckkiss]

Milan. Italy.

[urlocaldisasterbi]

Mean lesbian vibes

[love-is-like-a-movie]

[ssweet-inssanityy]

Over years, I pride myself on being the person that went out of my way to help others realise their worth and their place in the world. Eventually, I couldn’t keep doing that because I realised that I was really broken and I was struggling to take my own advice.  

For almost two years, I went by never hurting myself the way I used to brutally do. I look back at it and have realised I had no remorse for myself, if I were to not wake up the next morning, I wouldn’t be missing out and actually, I would have been glad to not wake up. Life started feeling really hard, but there was something about that time that I really miss; The confidence I had because I was not scared of losing, I already felt like I was constantly in a battle of loses. So, I didn’t think I could lose any further. I could go for days avoiding a situation by going completely missing, not caring about what anyone thought or what anyone would have felt, the feeling of being selfish outweighed my feeling of empathy. It’s not that I didn’t care, I just didn’t find it in me to care enough about the people that hurt me. 

The last time I was in the hospital bed for an attempt, I begged the doctor to not tell anyone outside the hospital room what I had tried to do. I also realised how dark of a place I was in and never wanted to go back.  

Getting healthier meant I cared, meant I had to appreciate what I could end up losing, because I tried taking my own advice, I didn’t want to breakdown the way I did every night. I never realised how much shit I had absorbed over time and realised that right now, I have been healing all my broken pieces on my own. I guess this is the point of realisation that I can’t depend on someone else to show me my worth, and I can’t expect for someone to help me out when I’m down because I don’t think there is someone who will be able to. I have completely destroyed myself and built myself up to who I am now. I have found happiness but I have also found that sadness is amplified when you don’t feel it all the time. Before, I was constantly just sad, no amplification of it, no variation of that feeling. I was just sad. Now that I have decided to be in touch with my feelings, it has become this rollercoaster of figuring out what to do with what I feel. 

Being completely lost has been something I have felt familiar with, but figuring out being lost in bits and pieces of time... I haven’t quite figured that out yet. Sometimes that feeling of running away to not deal with a situation and to feel that hoax confidence sounds like a good idea to go back to. Suddenly, now I care too much about what I could lose, but once again, I find myself back in a place where I feel like I might be losing. 

[ssweet-inssanityy]

If it was a lie, then I really loved the way you handed me rose-coloured glasses.

The way you used to tolerate my idiocy without annoyance, the way you spent all your time with me and couldn’t get enough. Asking me to stay, always wanting me close. What changed your mind?

I’ve never gotten tired of you, and maybe I eventually start getting greedy, wanting more. Can’t seem to help myself, I always want more of you. Wanting you closer and by my side, the person I was; Respected personal space especially when things got bad, but why is that not with you? I have never seemed to be easily addicted to someone or something, but right now, my craving for you feels worse than my craving for nicotine.

Maybe there’s someone that’s made for you, makes you want to hold their hand in public and makes you want to kiss them all the time, be always close to them even in the worst moments. Someone you’re willing to take in sickness and in health, someone who is perfectly envisioned. How fortunate of them, an understatement would be how I wish that could have been myself.

The start of realisation that someone might be your person is when you start willing to compromise your world for them, but the moment that you realise you might not be theirs is when they couldn’t comprehend the idea of compromising for you.

Karma isn’t it? The story sounds familiar, I used to be the one doing the running, never compromising, always suggesting to past ways, and somehow you’ve changed me. Now I know what it’s like to finally have a taste of my own medicine, and somehow I would still take barring the medicine of my own sins and going completely insane than bare the thought of losing you. How I’ve turned into the biggest loser I swore I would never become.

[ssweet-inssanityy]

someday, i’ll be okay. not today, but someday. i’ll realise how to deal with all the hurt and i’ll be okay on my own and in my own time. it might take awhile, but i know i’ll eventually get there.

[ssweet-inssanityy]

what in the actual fuckery is happening at this damn point bc i’m two seconds too close to sleeping on a damn highway.

[ssweet-inssanityy]

What did I do to get hurt this bad?