Gotta keep my mind, so I thought I would upload the weirdest parts of it to the internet as a backup.
Really like this essay by Joanna Russ on historical Spirk fandom, and not only for its archival utility (I too have been slowly collecting early 80s Gundam fanzines with fascination); it also gets at the appeal of slash fandom that persists for a lot of people into the present which is less about an erotic fascination with gay men specifically but more about discovering the excitement of the possibility of a relationship without the baggage of gender hierarchy.
As always, the reading list is periodically updated...
I am working through Max Haivenâs Art After Money, Money After Art right now, which is great and mind-expanding. But I realized I have been reading a ton of nonfiction, even since finishing my dissertation, even as I desire to get back to writing some fiction! So I will take a break from nonfiction and read some fiction next (More Ali Smith? Carmen Maria Machadoâs short story collection? Revisiting some Flann OâBrien? Havenât decided yet). Despite making this decision some recent nonfiction books have caught my eye!
Gender Identity, Sexuality and Autism by Eva A Mendes and Meredith R Maroney - My journey towards understanding myself as âon the spectrumâ began with the realization that the diagnostic criteria are biased towards the context of stereotypical âmaleâ socializing, interests and gender roles. The same symptoms at the experiential level can manifest totally differently as observed behavior for women... Of course! But I also understand myself differently from paradigmatic âwomanhoodâ not only in terms of being neuroatypical but also being bisexual and gender non-conforming. So this seems like a good next step to learn more. Hearteningly, the bulk of the book is devoted to firsthand case studies, rather than being oriented towards parent observations and interpretations of behavior.
A History of Bisexuality by Steven Angelides - Iâm always interested in more historical perspectives on bisexuality (as well as evidence of our consistent presence over time!) but what sold my inner dialectician on this one is this bit of the blurb: âAngelides argues that bisexuality has historically functioned as the structural other to sexual identity itself, undermining assumptions about heterosexuality and homosexuality.â This framing as a sort of âthreatâ to a socially constructed idea of sexuality whose starting point is heterosexuality as norm and homosexuality as aberrance is much more interesting to me than theorizing bisexuality as straight in some ways and gay in others, gay lite, or a state between âdoing heterosexualityâ and âdoing homosexuality.â Unfortunately because itâs an academic press book, itâs a bit expensive, so I donât know when Iâll get my hands on it.
Iâve also taken on some new hobbies! I am trying my hand at making some live culture based foods (sourdough and kombucha so far), both because itâs fun and makes something edible and has helped to ease the (apparently ASD typical) indigestion episodes I was having. I have also read this cool tutorial on making a moss garden, and have been gathering bits of moss and lichen on my walks to see if I can observe their growth cycles. So if anyone knows some interesting books on live culture foods or moss, let me know!
When I think about how much discursive effort in the form of Tumblr back and forth but also jokes, thinkpieces, even academic theory goes into the maintenance of the idea that bisexuals arenât âout there,â that bisexuals donât have a history or cultural impact, that bisexuals donât share broad experiences of struggling with cishet gender roles and ways same sex attraction is stigmatized, that our language is inherently exclusionary or poorly theorized, that our attempts to articulate our history and ideas is somehow lesser or artificial compared to how gay or lesbian culture âauthentically,â spontaneously, singularly emerged etc, etc... I just have to think why though? This doesnât help anyone out of the closet, itâs not helping anyone better understand their own experience and how NORMAL it actually is or destabilizing the presumption that âmost people are straightâ and feeling any other way is a state of rare exception that you better make absolutely sure of before you dare tell anyone. Like thereâs really NO productive energy behind any of this. And dare I say at its extreme it is doing the hetsâ work for them...
Every bisexual deserves a sense of bi history and culture, deserves to pursue it and embrace it as loud or quietly as they choose, deserves to better understand their desires and experience through it! Even if sheâs never eaten pussy! Even if you think her boyfriend is ugly! Believe it or not regardless of how their life âlooksâ to you they are human beings with an inner life just like you and bi history and culture is relevant and validating to their experience
I guess itâs disappointing to me how defensive people get when the idea that a lot of the very online feminist âpersonalitiesâ were probably the rich/skinny/pretty/neurotypical/het/acceptably feminine girls in high school, or more specifically that the common reflex to attack someoneâs looks/makeup/eyebrows/hair/whatever as a funny comeback to people you disagree with just feels like an extension of that bullying retinue into adulthood. Like the response is often bluntly, âget over it, that period of our lives is over so--â or, faux-empathetically, âbut sheâs changed,â or, if they want to end the conversation immediately, ascribe it to some âinternalized misogynyâ you need to do some introspection on, goodbye.
Firstly I find it funny that thereâs this sort of anger/anxiety/insecurity about not having the âauthenticityâ or âexperience of oppressionâ of being a bullied child in this sort of âintersectionalâ clout politicking. Sorry I couldnât give that to you. ha ha.
But I also think itâs a shame that the popular girlsâ unwillingness to address this prevents us from really talking about how the shame and exclusion we experienced for being âweird,â âugly,â âfat,â âclumsy,â âuncoolâ -- all the forms of other kids smelling on you that youâre not straight, not acceptably gender conforming, not neurotypical, not ânormalâ or even aspiring to be normal before you even come to terms with these elements within yourself -- was a real hurt that primarily injured our ability to see other women as potential friends rather than potential pain and betrayal. I feel alienated by a feminism that both big ups an abstract idea of extroverted âsisterhoodâ but whose concerns remain primarily in the realm of the normative, rich (or aspirationally rich) girl problems.
Autistic burnout broke my ability to be feminine, and Iâve never felt more like myself
Looking back over my memories and photos of myself, I have âpresentedâ in terms of clothes, hairstyle, hygiene products etc, in a lot of different ways. When I was very young, up until my preteen years, I didnât really care what I wore. My mom tended to put me in jumpers and leggings and so on but was also a bit displeased with how often they came home covered in grass stains or with the knees ripped out, because I was a super clumsy child. When I began being expected to choose my own clothes in the morning and also manage the new expectations that came with puberty, I liked bright, silly and unique clothes but still overall what was simple and comfortable.
Things started getting a lot harder for me in middle and high school. While I hadnât ever been super good at fitting in, both socializing with and sometimes getting bullied by other girls now was a lot more colored by things like appearance, clothes, weight, makeup... All of these things can be sensorily overwhelming to an nd person. I felt hyper-conscious of how my body was changing. I remember the first time my mom suggested I start wearing a training bra to school, it felt so obvious and awkward on my body that I was sure everyone could practically see it through my clothes. All the books about what would happen to us described acne as generally ânonpainfulâ but I could practically feel my skin crawling and swelling as zits grew. I smeared on concealer that seemed to sit on my skin like oil slick on a puddle. Where I felt like I could make fashion choices, I still opted for the colorful and weird, but comfortable. All-over print hoodies, fingerless gloves from hot topic, and yes, homemade anime pants were all foundational parts of my wardrobe. For a time, I wore big dangly novelty earrings, smudged eyeliner around my eyes to look almost like a raccoon, and colored in my nails with a lime green sharpie. (I have never been âcoolâ per se but this was the early aughts so I stand by the assertion that this wasnât AS uncool as it would be today, ha ha) throughout this time I would occasionally wear things like blouses, dresses or skirts, especially for special occasions, but it always felt kind of artificial/loaded/alien.
(long post abt autism/gender presentation/sexuality continues under the cut :))
When I got into college I figured it was a chance to start fresh, maybe have a more ânormalâ friend group and so on. I was also cheated on by my doofy high school boyfriend a week before prom and so in the midst of a bit of a crisis about my personal desirability. Going out of my way to be more feminine seemed to be a way to potentially âfixâ this, whipping my face into shape with increasingly harsh, stingy anti-acne products, becoming a bit neurotic about what I âshouldâ eat, clumsily trying to get better at makeup products beyond plopping concealer on my zits and smearing eye pencil around my eyes... I even tried wearing mostly skirts with stockings or leggings for a whole semester... unfortunately I was much more modeling on Twin Peaks than fashion circa 2010 and so the classification of ânormal girlâ still eluded me. Aside from the heavy wool skirts, which I mostly picked up from thrift stores, it strikes me how harmful, and if not actively harmful just wasteful or unpleasant these actual routines were to me, and yet my brain fixated on them as if they were a territory I was just on the verge of winning...
It took me until I entered postgrad to buy myself flannel shirts to wear. I know, it sounds ridiculous! I had always thought they were stylish and had begun to get more interested in the uncool-ly cool styles of male musicians, dorky post punk weirdos and kurt cobainâs dweeby multilayered looks, but actually owning a flannel shirt seemed too openly masculine via its association with âbutchâ sapphicism... fortunately I was also finally coming to terms with my bisexuality. Naturally trucker caps, an undercut and bomber jackets followed, lol. Despite this, I still felt like I had to wear makeup, especially when my hair was shorter. Even when seeing my own face made me feel alienated from it, even when I felt annoyed at the amount of plastic and glass detritus on my counter, even when I felt like I was not very good at it and not improving either, even when I felt like it was a waste of money.
Autistic burnout is the cumulative strain of years of âmaskingâ hitting you all at once. And autistic women are often overlooked until later in life not just because of the âmale brainâ stereotypes that are applied to the diagnostic process and public perception of ASD, but also because of the social expectations towards women, we are most likely to âmask,â put up a normal and sociable âfrontâ through the elements of life we have to endure, and then escape to restorative and safe solitude through reading or imaginative play later. This makes us âappearâ to be not autistic to untrained or simply oblivious adults as children, but makes the possibilities for major mental health issues later in life more dangerous. Basically, in the second year of my PhD, between generalized anxiety, uncertainty about my research, TA-ing and pushing myself to attend many high social pressure events like festivals and conferences related to my research topic, I became exhausted. I felt like I had no time for myself, no time to think, and had become so racked with anxiety and fear over the future at every moment that I could no longer think about what I wanted or enjoyed doing. My body and mind needed to withdraw, and it wasnât a matter of having a self-care spa day or weekend away.
I felt like my social and presentation skills tanked. My productivity suffered. I had trouble getting out of bed before noon on days which I didnât have anything scheduled. I sought therapy with the aim of âfixingâ these things, but the therapist referred me to an educational psychologist to be evaluated for ASD. When I looked up more about womenâs experiences of autistic burnout, I realized that this wasnât a setback or a hurdle I had to overcome, but what I, as an autistic person, needed to do to restore myself, from years of being pressured and overstimulated and unhappy with myself, as a âweirdo.â
Another element of the burnout was that, when once makeup and skirts and other style choices that were my attempts to fit in with expected femininity seemed like something worth giving a seemingly endless number of âsecond chances,â I now simply did not have the energy anymore. I stopped wearing makeup, I donated the majority of my skirts and dresses, and havenât had the desire to wear the few I hung onto âfor special occasions.â I got myself an old, oversized biker jacket and some heavy leather boots, the most heavy-duty minimizer bra I could find, more flannels, each bringing more joy than I thought a piece of clothing even could. I finally like how I look, and feel in control of it.
I guess I am still a little stumped about what to wear if I ever do have another sufficiently formal âspecial occasionâ to go to... but I can always just skip it.
Carol Millman, a professional dog trainer, compares ABA to dog training in this powerful expose.
Some of it has to do with a breakdown in the way autism is perceived. Non-autistic people believe that ânormalcyâ is a fundamental need; indeed, a stated goal of ABA is to make the autistic child âindistinguishable from [neurotypical] peers.â
They think a child who blends into the crowd is a happy child.
When parents see their child engaging in unusual behaviours such as flapping, or ignoring other children, they see a child who is ill or damaged.
So I got Officially Diagnosedâ˘ď¸ as autistic two days after my twenty second birthday and the change in peopleâs attitudes towards me was almost immediate.
Where I used to be âquirkyâ I was now âweirdâ and ânot acting rightâ. Friends who previously used to turn to me for guidance and help for almost anything now began to treat me like a child and baby me to the point where it was actually said that I couldnât be left alone to do anything by myself. I was no longer allowed to make decisions and things I had done before like stimming were now immediately shut down and stopped.
These were all things done by people my own age. People who Iâd known for years and who I considered to be close friends. The second I mentioned I had an official diagnosis, everything changed. And it hurt. It hurt because the diagnosis that I hoped would help me actually made things so much worse.
People around me were made aware of my autism. But they didnât accept it. To them it made me different. I was âotherâ.
Iâd much rather be accepted than have people be aware of me. And now, as I see more and more posts on social media about autism awareness month, I canât help but wonder what it is people want to be aware of. I canât help wonder if they want to know whoâs autistic simply so they can mark them out and make sure to treat them differently.
Neutotypicals, donât be aware of autism. Please be accepting of it instead.
No offense to the generous queen, but I donât want to be Ellen...
Over the past few years thereâs been a proliferation of websites and publications which are specifically for or at least regularly cover âLGBTâ issues (though still often commission work that is/from people who are openly misogynistic, biphobic, transphobic, etc, lol). Now a few include calls specifically for âneurodiverseâ contributions, so, if history, or at least the clickbait cycle repeats itself, it seems like this is the new frontier of capitalizeable diversity.Â
I could try responding to one of these calls and maybe get an article published! But it also runs the risk of derailing my entire portfolio of writing to be âaboutâ this because I make a good diversity byline. (Two thoughts here: this is also why I avoid making asides about Being A Woman longer than 5 minutes in my academic work, and why I donât connect these posts to an account attached to my full name or professional work!)
But aside from that, if I did really go for it, writing about what it means to me to be autistic, and a woman, and bisexual, and constantly struggling with compulsive thoughts and anxiety, I donât think the editors at these publications would like what they get. There was a reason Ellen was the first person to come out on the scale of a Time magazine cover, and, again, no offense, there are people like this in literally every single demographic, is that for the most part she comes across as goofy, harmless, funny, friendly, even eager to please. And I feel like âlistening to neurodivergent peopleâ is still at the point of wanting an equivalent âEllen.â
Even if, by commissioning a piece, editors feel like theyâre getting away from neurodiverse people as just âinspiration porn,â or a problem needing explainers to deal with so far as post topics go, I feel like itâs yet to be proven that they actually want what I (and many of us) would offer, which is different from both the piece that argues we are effusively miserable, desperate to be understood, and the piece that argues that we are just friendly but fallible goofballs still begging for acceptance. And if I get a tiny freelance paycheck, what does the editor get? An extra pat on the back in addition to their stable day job, and a way to pitch to venture capital that your publication really has its finger on the pulse/is doing something âgoodâ in the world which, well, what a ROI right?
Writing colored by my particular experience of neurodivergence is not friendly, not longing to be accepted, not relatable bits about how I can be a bit tooo crazy about [MEDIA PROPERTY] but thatâs just a happy part of the raiiinbow of life. Itâs not 100% miserable either, though it would have been for a while. Itâs become the quiet self assurance and reservedness of knowing both my desires and my limits (particularly in terms of boundaries and emotional bandwidth) that drives âfriendlyâ people absolutely up the wall sometimes. Itâs remembering being sneered at as a quiet/aloof/weird/gloomy kid that I was âruining everyoneâs funâ and âmust think Iâm better than anyone elseâ and then, maybe, kind of leaning into it.
I think The Xenofeminist Manifesto makes an especially vital point when it says that the separation of âgenderâ and âbiological sexâ as concepts even by âââwell-meaningâââ progressives is, rather than actually challenging the sex binary a way of further naturalizing it. This point is especially important to bear in mind as Certain ML Groups adopt a âmaterialistâ line against incorporating transgender issues or gender fluidity into their stances or praxis bc itâs âidentity politicsâ âdistracting from class struggleâ etc.
Why deny the material reality of sex? Mostly just for a laff xx, but no really, the question we should be asking is, why are these admittedly mostly cis, mostly white, mostly male (because women, materially, be shopping I guess) groups so invested in maintaining the cultural idea of a ânaturally occurringâ sex binary? As much as they say they are for âequality for womenâ or even doing away with gender roles if theyâre feeling generous, people who are labeled male at birth and live happily with it must know on some level they have a pretty good deal w/in the sex binary system, and Undeniable Biological Reality is a nifty thing to keep in the back pocket if any of these women &/or others get a bit too rowdy... and suddenly âmaterialismâ is back to just being the base argument of patriarchy
This is why people who were labeled women at birth have nothing to lose and everything to gain by rigorously supporting and listening to women who claim the label at other points in their life imo. The naturalization and society wide policing of sex OR gender can never liberate us from the root of patriarchy
(and it follows that I also donât believe research trying to identify a genetic cause of autism, âgay gene,â etc etc, is of any actual good but idk, another time maybe)
Mainstream society often views [gay people] as sad victims who cannot help their sexual orientation, and therefore deserve compassion and understanding. Bisexuals, on the other hand, are presumed to have a choice and are therefore seen as wilfully refusing to conform. Heterosexual objections to bisexuality often centre on the idea of bisexuals as sex obsessed: bisexual behaviour implies non-monogamy, which is a threat to marriage, religion, and the state. Desire for sex outside of marriage is projected on to a sub-group so sexually voracious it will even go to bed with members of its own sex. In this way, the challenge of bisexuality as a genuine alternative is diminished.
Women and Bisexuality, Sue George, 1993. (via biquarterly)
This is an idea that I think is seductive even to âwokeâ/good allies of autistic people, in that if they know to reject stuff like Autism Speaks and âinspiration pornâ they still believe that âsocial skillsâ interventions are a good thing.
What Iâm not saying here is A) that generally, working on your ability to communicate well and get along with people is a bad thing or B) that autistic people never/shouldnât seek advice on social skills, and that thereâs no good way to teach improved social skills. I am specifically talking about interventions I experienced in the public school system for having âpoor social skillsâ usually from counselors or teachers.
Usually this is framed as a way to âbuild bridges,â help neurotypical kids âbetter understandâ an autistic or otherwise nd classmate (sometimes even just shy/awkward/anxious, as I was considered), and expose the autistic child to positive social interactions in the hopes that they will do more of this. But what exactly happens and what exactly are we hoping autistic kids will do?
Even when the intervention is done with a ârandomâ group of kids or a whole class, from my own experience I think it primarily helps students identify âweird kidsâ or, more likely reinforce the already-held idea that we are weird. Even if itâs in a âfriendlyâ atmosphere, weâre the ones that are too aloof, too quiet, too awkward etc and have raised concerns, so the implication, with a smile, is that weâre the ones who have to amend our behavior, everyone else is fine just âbeing themselves.â
What are the âskillsâ developed? Of course, thereâs the rabid focus on eye contact which, in a practical sense, doesnât do much in the context of a conversation. What can be very, very anxiety inducing and uncomfortable for an autistic person is insisted on mainly to satisfy neurotypicals, that youâre âlisteningâ or âbeing respectfulâ by their limited metric. Similarly, you can be fed scripts for what is a ânormalâ conversation topic, social behavior, or way to continue a conversation. Iâve found scripts useful for things like phone calls or getting people off my back in situations I mainly have to grit my teeth through, but is this really how you want to teach a child to see what should be freely-given socialization? Again, itâs more so that what we are visibly doing on a day to day basis is more pleasing to our peers and teachers than establishing mutual understanding or meaningful social bonds.
Iâve never found the âconnectionsâ from these kind of interventions to last, as I was put with normatively feminine and neurotypical girls in hopes I would model on them. But thatâs not who I was, and we had nothing in common, it just made me another weird girl who was a hassle to deal with and who should be excluded. (Funnily, âsocial skillsâ or anti-bullying campaigns rarely deal with the instances of pointed cruelty through which a lot of neurotypicals establish their social groups, thatâs just ânormalâ)
So I was stuck between a rock and a hard place by this intervention, because it was made clear to me that my enjoyment of being alone most of the time and not finding much in common with other students was unacceptable on the one hand, but that being included involved changing my behavior significantly in a way that was not rewarding to me on the other. And this persists into my adult life as I regularly worry that I donât have âenough friendsâ or âdo enough,â attempting to measure myself by a ânormalâ rubric, when otherwise my life, mostly alone but with a few close and wonderful friends online and off, is very satisfying to me. Instead of intervening âon behalf ofâ autistic or otherwise âsocially challengedâ children, positioning a neurotypical social life as universally desirable and better than any alternative, all I really want is a broader acceptance of the fact that thereâs nothing wrong with âbeing alone,â enjoying solitary activities, only getting on with a few people, etc...
My thoughts on this post were heavily influenced by Hamja Ahsanâs Shy Radicals, a wonderful and cheering book I highly recommend for anyone who finds a normal social life to just be way too much of a faff. ;)
Hello! Just wanted to ping my blog in these main tags to let ppl know I am going to be blogging about my experience with being an often mentally ill always autistic gender nonconforming bi woman here :) Because I write long posts about it that donât seem to fit anywhere else. I will also be updating a book club page, youtube playlist, and interesting article bank.
I wonât really be using tags otherwise because this is more of a self-formation than discourse thing. But naturally I would appreciate followers who overlap on any of these facets! Just so you know, I am in my late 20s, and so may be at a quite different stage of life than ppl who are still in high school or undergrad.
