Who We Are

Cas n. - 24; they/them; PA; former retail slave now spreads knowledge to young minds; I like carrying art around with me- tattoos.

[standcloser-getnervous]

[exposants]

[kongina]

[standcloser-getnervous]

Here's to my nude binder and the fact that my new student ID has my name on it. Here's to feeling good.

[standcloser-getnervous]

It's so refreshing to see my stuff in this apartment. It was less refreshing to catch myself in the palm with a screwdriver when assembling IKEA furniture the other night.

[standcloser-getnervous]

My dear dear friend, congratulations on another revolution around the sun. You have survived a whole year. Not only did you survive, but you truly lived. You saw beautiful things, met beautiful people, learned some beautiful things. This year you became a truer version of yourself, discovered happiness, and you found love. I am so happy for you and so proud of your growth. These are things I think everyday about you but I figured I'd let you know today because today is a milestone, you're one year older. Happy Birthday you beautiful tropical fish. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for being you. Here's to many more revolutions around the sun and to becoming truer versions of yourself each year. Sending love to you today and every day.

[retropicool]

[standcloser-getnervous]

Things haven't been easy this week.

[standcloser-getnervous]

I remember standing on my tippy toes to see in this mirror. Yes I'm wearing the same shirt I wore on Thursday it makes me feel good ok. #grandparentsbasement

[standcloser-getnervous]

I'm working with kids all summer, which means bro tanks and gym shorts are an acceptable uniform. Ringing flares up when I feel like a bum all the time, so I decided once a week is dress like a human day. It helps.

[standcloser-getnervous]

I feel good when I get things done.

[twloha]

If I were to compare years where I’ve begun to figure myself out to years where I’ve felt lost, the latter would tip the scale. But I know time will pass, and the scales will tip in my favor. Yes, the ringing is still there, but that’s OK. The ringing died down as I look around the circle of people in attendance at a middle school LGBT club. I knew that just by being part of the circle, I was a positive influence to someone who was in need of some hope. Although my heart raced and my face flushed when it came time for my introduction, I forced myself to be the example I know I needed when I was in their shoes. “Hello, my name is C and my pronouns are they/them. I’m non-binary, gay, and so proud to get to be a part of this group today,” I said with as strong of a voice as I could muster. I told the group how awkward I felt in middle school. How awkward I still feel today. Despite my awkwardness and the ringing, I was still able to use the word “hopeful” to sum up my feelings at the end of the meeting.

C Macsisak, “Ringing Truth” (via twloha)

[twloha]

Acknowledging the ringing in my ears and the way my gender fuels that ringing has played a crucial part in taking care of my own mental health. Sometimes this process happens in my own head. I stretch under the covers first thing in the morning and check to see what I can hear. However dim or deafening it may be, I do my best to accept that. I recognize what I can and cannot do to adjust the volume. I recognize that I am not the only person or thing with access to the controls, and I accept that. The unpredictability is what remains mentally taxing. Sometimes I wake up and the volume is not where I left it the night before. My brain and heart grow weary from calculating the endless possible outcomes. Where can I go to avoid being gendered?

C Macsisak, “Ringing Truth” (via twloha)

[twloha]

When I was nine years old, I learned about reincarnation. That night I went to bed and prayed: “Please don’t let me wake up as a girl. Not a boy either.” I didn’t know what that meant, but I knew that’s what felt right. If that couldn’t happen, I prayed I wouldn’t wake up at all. But I woke up the next day and the thousands of days after that with my prayers unanswered, and it was years before I learned that what I felt was valid. After searching the term “non-binary” on Google, I wrapped it around myself like a security blanket. But even with that security blanket, I’m still plagued by insecurities. I still feel lost sometimes. I still feel broken. I still have days where my body feels so distant from my mind that my mind wants to cause it pain. Sometimes I can’t hear the positive influences in my life because the ringing in my ears is deafening.

C Macsisak, “Ringing Truth” (via twloha)

[brian-jpeg-deactivated20200225]

the front bottoms //

.twin size mattress.

[magic-of-eternity]

[stability]