the past few weeks I have been going through an identity crisis.
I wrote exactly how I felt so here it is;
I have fallen into a place of nothingness.
I don’t know who I am. everything feels numb, like i’m watching myself from above with no control over my mind and body. my loved ones feel further away. I feel further away from myself. I feel so far away from the world itself.
I wake up in a body that doesn’t feel like my own. when I look in the mirror I see a face I don’t quite recognize. a stranger.
I often fall into these “moments” where I lose myself. I don’t feel like myself. I have lost myself many times in the past, but I don’t remember it feeling this bad. it’s like my body is physically here, but I am so far away, mentally. it’s effecting my daily life. trying to be present, but struggling to feel real. I am neither sad nor happy. I feel nothing and feeling nothing is scary.
I haven’t felt severely depressed since november last year so I could say my depression isn’t really there anymore, however my anixety level has been higher than ever. I’ve been waking up feeling so anxious, like my heart is about to jump out of my chest.
I’ve been feeling uncertain. uncertain about who I am and what I want now and in the future. the uncertainty is killing me.
When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else
I'm paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I'm paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I’m lost and it kills me inside
despite how I was feeling, I tried to fight through it.
over the holidays I did a lot, that did help me.
I was very social and got out of my comfort zone a lot.
I went to a primary school and played with the kids + taught them art. children inspire me a lot and being around those children, I felt like I could re-live a part of my childhood again. it really makes me miss being a child a lot. they’re all so full of joy. I really felt like I could connect with those children, because I myself, can act like a child when I need to, that was a time I felt I could release my younger self again.
I went to a science museum that I loved when I was younger. I can say it wasn’t AS fun as it was when I was younger and definitely seemed a lot smaller now, but it was still great fun. I love science and learning about living things.
I visited the town I used to go to when I lived in seaham, it’s not the same as I remembered. I mean it’s almost been a year since I moved houses and a lot has changed. sometimes the places you were once so fond of change, like you do.
I went for a walk to the park near my house with my friend. it was a really warm, sunny day so everyone was out. all the happy faces around me. I went to a little bridge and sat on it. I started drawing, when an old lady came and stopped by to have a conversation. she was in her 70s. she asked about my life. I told her about what i’m currently doing, about my studies & travels etc. she told me about her life; she was previously a lecturer in law. probably one of the first female lawyers in the north east. even though she was a stranger, she was someone I wanted to open up to because I had to tell someone, and I find it easier to open up to strangers than close ones. I told her about my struggle with my identity and not feeling like myself. she told me a bunch of inspiring things and gave this really motivational talk. she was an experienced woman, she lived most of her life and she had a lot of knowledge so I asked her for advice. she told me things that I needed to hear from someone. I wish I could share the whole conversation but all I can say is, at the moment, that conversation we had was really something.
“keep a diary, write everything down. write the good and the bad. write about yourself, who you are in this moment, what you’re aiming to be. keep track of your progress and look back to see how far you’ve come.”
“keep burning that fire inside of you, when it burns out, refuel it.”
I am thankful to have come across somebody like her, and will remember her as one of the many amazing people I have met in my life.
the past few weeks have been very eventful and I have had many adventures. trying to find myself in the places I go & people I meet. feeling inspired by the world around me and really taking notice of it all.
I think it’s important to fall into isolation, and to lose yourself.
I am understanding myself more. slowly feeling like myself again. maybe not the old me, but the new me. self discovery is truly a wonderful thing. no matter how many times I break, fall & lose myself I will find a way to rebuild and find myself. I always have. for me, it’s as if i’m throwing away old parts of myself to replace them with newer parts. I will change until I am fully happy with who I am. I am trying to find peace within myself. I am working on becoming a better me for myself. I am a work in progress, until the day I die. there’s no limit to how much growth a human being can go through, I feel like a flower that’s constantly growing. I will never stop.
I may not know who I am at this moment, but I know that I am so much more than what I was.
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
vaporwave
gummygunk
snowghoul
stormborns
