@stardustblossom - Tumblr Blog

I just can't take it anymore *continues to take it*

I've lost you. It truly feels I've lost you. But the question stands. Can I lose something i never truly held in my hands. I'm sure many before me have stood at the door of uncertainty, looking at that same question.

But I know I'm losing you. You're not losing me. You can't. Not as long as I'm alive. But every now and then, my hands hold back from the words I've already told you in my head. Thumb hovers over a button here, backspace there, I close your chat. I do. I know it's for the best.

It hurts but staying would hurt more. Seeing you belong with someone else. Knowing you'll belong to someone else. Truly. In a way I never could get you.

I know I've lost you even if I never had you. Fate sucks. Yet i don't regret meeting you. I'd do it all again if it meant I'd see you again in another life.

every inch of me believes there's isn't a love out there made for me. every inch of me craves that love.

I can't stop thinking how all my people have their own people now and I'm left alone with the one person i hate the most. Me.

I know I was the one who stopped our good night kitty tradition but I still think of your whenever I see a sleeping cat

thesweetiepienovels

Actually, you are enough. Even if you don’t work. Or study. Or go out. Or have friends. Or have family. You’re enough because you exist and your existence is enough to be enough because you are not a product. You are not a sum of output. You are not a task to complete. But because you are something the universe wanted and put here even if you’ll never understand why. Somewhere in the cosmos your existence makes a difference, even if it’s not the way others existences do.

#remember

I'm trying everything in myself to not sh again, but it's getting harder with every breakdown. I'm mentally thinking of places where the scars will not be visible at all. It getting harder with every spiral.

Sun April 7, 2024

My mother's way of apologizing is makes me favourite food. My way of disconnecting is ignoring it and making a meal for myself. Now I can't even look at her without thinking of how she choked me that day, what she said to me. I can't move on from that. I can't forgive, forget and let go. Everytime I look at my own mother, I'm reminded of all the words that hurt me the most and how all of them came from her. I know she loves me. There's no doubt about that. She has her own anger issues. But that doesn't mean I am just let it all go.

It's been like this for years now. I say something, she gets upset, I get upset, we argue, she says something that'll always echo inside me, I get silent for a couple days, she'll try to make up for it, I'll put it in a box and hide it, back to square one. Repeat.

I'll just push it back uptill I can't take it anymore. I'll just carry it with me because I don't know where to put it.

Maybe one day I'll learn. Learn to not let it get to me, or affect me that much.

In his book Brida, Paulo Coelho worked around the concept of soulmates as fragments of the same soul. They're could be multiple fragments, not necessarily present and alive at the same time. These fragments could come across each other, not only as lovers, but also as mentors, teachers, friends etc. Evidently, one may come across more than one of these fragments in a lifetime.

Some times I wonder if him and I are fragments of the same soul. I know I want him in my life as whatever he pleases, friend, lovers, mentor. I don't ever want to loose him. I can't go back to becoming strangers again, knowing that we both are cut from the same cloth.

Maybe I was just written to be asymptotes with him forever.

Sat April 6, 2024, 1:46 am

A couple days ago, I was alone at home. Sometimes I get curious about my scars. In theory, I'm used to having them, people asking about them. But I can't see them so I'm not used to how they look, more importantly what my back looks like.

I stood in front of the mirror with my phone camera so I can actually see the surgery scars.

I read somewhere that the human brain has a subconscious body plan. So when external factors alter our body, we often don't get used to it early on. Like an phantom limb after an amputation. This was my moment of realisation that my back doesn't look like what i had in mind. It's more crooked on one side than can be seen from outside my oversized clothes. Partly why I prefer them.

After 10 surgeries from the age of 4 to 11, I've realised that it won't be getting better than this. Even though this is the ideal best scenario one could possibly attain with a case like mine, I still can't let go of the hope I once had.

As child, my doctors always assured me I'll get better, that I'll be normal. But sometimes adults lie to console children. I now realise that was what was happening. Even after all the surgeries, my torso will always be a little crooked. Even after all the physiotherapy and braces, my right foot will always be a little off.

It doesn't bother me much. Except when I put down a dress because it's fitted or has a sheet back. Or when I'm often tugging at my bras because they never quit sit right on my shoulder and torso. Or when my tshirts slid off a bit on my shoulder. Or when I'm super aware of all the crookedness and how one my shoulder blade protrudes out a bit whenever someone hugs me. Or how i can't wear sandals and heels because my right foot can't handle it for long. Or how i can never run fast enough cuz the foot has sensory loss too. Or how everyone around me treat like a fragile porcelain doll. Or everyone gets super cautious after they learn about it. Or how I'm not allowed to lift heavy things on my own so I have to look for someone to do it everytime. Or I'll always be reminded that I'm a bit away from the crowd. It doesn't bother me much. Except when it reminds me that I was living on false hope.

But its always been like this. I've always had this. Shouldn't i be used to it by now? I have a perfectly capable body that my parent's and doctors have put time and effort into. Then why does it not ever feel right? Why am I still not comfortable in my own flesh and bond?

Mon March 4, 2024, 2:07 pm

I feel so worthless and good for nothing. I'm constantly wondering what do I bring to the table in every relationship. Like what are people my friends, what do I do for them why why why are they even talking to me still what do I do what do I do what do I do. I'm constantly fearing that they realise this and would see that I infact don't benefit them and I'm just a "parasite" and would eventually leave.

Cleared my queue. Posted everything in a fit of rage. Yup.

Sat July 15, 2023, 8:39 pm

I wanna die.

But I won't do it. I want to get out of here and never see my mother again. She's not my mother anymore. Mothers aren't supposed to call their daughters 'bitch' and 'whore'. Mothers aren't supposed to try to kill their daughters.

I don't have a mother anymore. Not in my heart atleast.

Fri Nov 24, 2023, 12:00 am.

I was talking to Addy last night. We've been talking almost everyday this last month or so. It's weird. How I can talk to him about anything and everything and neverr think twice that he might judge me. He doesn't judge me. Ever. He's really nice about it. Always.

Maybe it's because he's older. I used to tease him about it. Him being older than me. But I think that upset him more than he let on. So i stopped.

It's almost scares me. Last night I came so close to tell him about my deepest darkest secrets. We were talking about trust issues and how me not being able to trust people is a sometimes a problem.

I almost typed out the text, telling him why, why it's so hard for me to trust someone. Why it's so scary when someone touches me. Why I don't often approach guys. So close. I was so close.

Then I stopped. Thought against it. How can I trust someone i met online with my darkest secrets. Something i swore I'd never tell anyone, never write it down, take with me to my grave.

It scared me last night. How much I've started to trust this man, so much, so fast, so faithfully.

It disgusted me last night. How can I, already knowing what putting so much faith in someone can do, still, still, still trust him so much.

I layed in bed for a long time. Awake, thinking, thinking how can this be. Really sacred. Really disgusted.

Still i wonder, what more do I have in me to let someone else break. What's even left of me to get shattered. Do i have enough strength to find out.

The answer is no. I do not have it in me.

So i thought to myself, I'd start distancing this person from me. For myself. For whatever's left of me. But then today, he texted me something and i replied without thinking. Instinctively almost.

I'm so scared. Of all of this.

Sun Feb 18, 2024, 11:58 pm

Sometimes I wish

Sometimes I wish, I wish to know, to know everything, everything that exists, has ever existed, will exist.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't learnt, wish I hadn't learnt the pain, like a child, blissful in ignorance, not overthinking the consequences.

Sometimes I wish, wish to remember, my childhood, my old friends, the stories in my head, kind strangers.

Sometimes I wish, wish to forget, my childhood, people who hurt me, how they hurt me, the thoughts in my head.

Sometimes I wish to read people's minds, I wish to know, what goes on my others head. So i can know how they feel about me, should I stay, should I leave, do they need me around, like a shoulder, do they need me around like a toy.

Sometimes I wish I could forget their actions and their words, not let them get me.

Sometimes I wish I could run away, disappear, leave no trace behind, like i didn't even matter. Maybe they'd be better off without me.

Sometimes I wish to leave a mark, make a change in someone's life, even once. But I can't even change my own life. Maybe they'd be better off without me.

Sometimes I wish to be invisible. Maybe I already am, so I wish to be seen and heard instead. Even by that one person.

Sometimes I wish I could do anything and everything.

Sometimes I wish I go to bed and never wake up.

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