I had another blog for this but I deleted it because I thought I was done. Turns out... I'm not.
I came to the decision this month to quit love. To quit men. To quit all of that.
Honestly, it was a liberating decision. There was immense relief. But there was also a twinge of sadness.
This has bloomed into grief now as I've had time to consider what this means for me going forward. My life is not going to look how I thought it would. I just wanted my best friend, the one who would walk through life with me unflinching as I would with him. I just don't feel like that's what people are looking for now. I don't want kids, and I feel like finding that in someone else is proving impossible.
Dating apps are hard on the soul. The lack of true connection whilst still trying to get to know someone is impossibly draining. Trying to spot the liars immediately to avoid wasting precious time and effort on someone not worthwhile. Trying to navigate men who don't know what they want, the polyamorous, the kinks, people who just want to go and live in a camper van and see the world. All valid choices. They just don't match mine and what I want out of life.
I'm just not cut out for what dating is now. I'm tired. I'm lonely. And I'm out of patience for the world of dating.
I've always had a big heart, and due to my choices in men, it grew heavy and hard in my chest, and where hope used to lie, there are only rocks now. I'm not saying never, I'm just saying I will no longer chase it. I need to focus on me and my own heart and learn how to fall in love with myself and my life. I always need to be my first choice.
It's also unfortunately brought you back up. And that's the only acknowledgement you will receive. I should have left you sooner before you crippled me and my ability to move on, but I never, and here we are.
So, yes, I've made a liberating choice, but I am grieving. There are days when I have little to no feelings about it. And then there are days like yesterday and today, and it rests heavy on me. I attended my friends wedding, with my heart so full of love for them. And then his speech smacked me. He quoted a more realistic love by Harry Baker, and it smacked me in the feels. The fact is I might never know a love like that, and I have to find a way to live with that.
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