this is a personal text post blog! do not follow u

[starspace96]

i havent done schoolwork in two weeks and i just!!!!!! dont know what im doing im so stressed abt this 

[starspace96]

you cant just say that

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this blog has basically turned into a vewnt blog u caN UNfollow if u like

[starspace96]

i dont want to be here everythings my fault and i cant fix it bc i dont know how

[starspace96]

me feeling horrible all the time is also my fault

[starspace96]

everything bad that happens to me is my fault. fact.

[starspace96]

i would be upstairs socializing but suns father s here and my mom always ignores me when hes around bc he talks so much :c

[starspace96]

meh shes probs right anyway

[starspace96]

why are there so many things wrong with me

[starspace96]

when yr talking to a friend abt self diagnosis and they're like 'the only self dx i have a problem with is when ur under 18 and trying to dx urself with adult only diagnoses like personality disorders'

and yr like 'nervOUS laughter oh god'

[starspace96]

please stop arguing

i cant breathe and i think im shaking stop the loud noises please 

[starspace96]

*calms down*

oh dear 

[starspace96]

my mom called me psych* a few minutes ago but thats because i tried to kick at her hahahahahahaha i hate myself

[starspace96]

sometimes instead of Doing Bad Things to myself i sit online and whine and reblog things and its actually a realy good alternative

[starspace96]

[starspace96]

hahaha every few weeks my boyfriend tries to go farther and farther with me and im always happy until then but yesterday wE rly progressed and he knows that im asexual but he just keeps pUSHIng and he'll ask me if its ok while its happening and im afraid of rejecting him so i always say yes and he kind of cries when i try to assert my boundaries

and it's horrible i just want to recoil away and it feels so violating even though he technically has my permission but i feel horrible

and when i came home last nigth i had a sequence of dreams in which someone was assaulting me sexually and i've been really shaky all day and i hate it

i wish i could communicate i wish i werent so avoidant

im not cut out for relationships i love him but i hate this so much and every time we go farther i know we're getting closer to having sex and i dont want to

i dont want to be seen sexually i dont feel it and it doesnt do anything for me but make me feel wrong and i dont want to. i dont want to.

i didnt ask to be in a relationship goddamn it 

[starspace96]

ugh though there was this really cute person and they had short hair at one of the thrift stores that we went to and i was Crushing and i told my mom about this rly cute person (i had to gender them as a girl b/c my moms shit abt that kind of thing and just corrects me when i dont gender ppl and it just causes a lot of poo ok:() and my mom was like ‘yeah i saw her’ and i was like ‘she was really cute’ and i got all blushy and then she was like ‘you think all butch girls are cute’ and she went on a tangent on how i dont have any style in picking people and think that all girls are cute and that once i ‘figure out my sexuality’ i’ll find a REal PReference and i nearly cried lmao

she also thinks that ‘maybe im just a lesbian’ because im asexual but i’ve been rly crushing on feminine people lately because i never knew that i was allowed to do that before i thought that i was only allowed to like Boys

ugh like my mom’s bi so you’d think she’d be less shitty about these things but Nope

why do i even try