we're all suffering kind of equally

........Hi I'm Tori, ask me anything........ 5'8//18//f//Ana// Cw:150

[starvingmic]

So far it’s going good. I’m down ten pound in about a week and a half. Rationing out and not over eating is getting a lot easier, especially with my drinks. I’ve been taking a cliff bar and chopping it up into small pieces for lunch. I get full from half the amount of food I did before. I feel really good about myself when I’m not bloated. I did start my time of the month today tho, so I’ll be bloated every time I eat for about a week :/.

Green tea with a bit of pineapple juice and honey helps me feel fuller at night. I’ve been staying up till 3am so I always feel so hungry at about 2:30, and drinking that helps tons.

[starvingmic]

Okay so this lockdown has me on and off with staying to my lil diet. But my face has slimmed down so much and I’m really getting on a roll again. I want to make a meal plan since it’s hard just going day to day.

Morning:

I always chug a lil can of pineapple juice as soon as I wake up, and drink water until I feel actually hungry later on. At which point it’s usually 1:30.

Midday:

Cherry Vanilla Coke zeros have been my life for the past two weeks. As soon as I feel hungry, I open one. I switch between water and that for a bit. After the can is finished, I wait until I feel hungry again and get a cliff bar. I drink a bottle of water with it, makes me feel full for about 2-3 hours as long as I keep drinking water.

Night: I’m usually in charge of making dinner so I eat a very small amount from what I cook. Afterwards I grab another water and coke and stay in my room for the rest of the night with the tv on and I’m usually working on a craft project.

It’s important to not completely isolate yourself from human contact, so I’ll bother my brothers or call my boyfriend to help keep me more up. My mom recently bought bunch of apples so I’ll be adding them to my routine when I run out of cliff bars. :)

[starvingmic]

I do be chuggin cherry Vanilla Coke Zero. A lot. Worried for my organs and how they’re functioning but they haven’t shut down so it can’t be that bad :)

[starvingmic]

Low rise jean be hittin different. If only I weren’t so fat so I could wear them.

[starvingmic]

I was on and off for a while with my ed because I was actually so happy that nothing could trigger it. Then I found out that my boyfriend was lying to me about his ex and that he did have feelings for her and was attracted to her even after telling me multiple times to trust him. I ended up asking what about her he found attractive and he said it was her ass. After stalking her insta for a few, I came to the conclusion that he’s also attracted to a slim thick type build. I’ve gained weight since we got together so it’s make sense that he’s no longer attracted to me. I don’t want to change myself for him but fuck bro I’m already in full gear and my stomach won’t even let me eat normal now so why not? He may not be this absolutely perfect guy that I thought he was for the past year, but I love him so much and want to turn him on in a way that nobody else can.

[starvingmic]

Being fat is boring.

[starvingmic]

Nsfw type stuff

Ed related tho

So basically my boyfriend wants to hook up tomorrow, which isn’t anything new. I’m just increasingly more and more shy during sex, whereas before it was the only time I didn’t think about how I looked. My favorite position is his least favorite because it requires like 90% of the work to be on his side, but without the benefit of kissing. At least that’s the reason he gave me. I’ve convinced myself that the real reason is because he doesn’t like being able to see my disgusting fat in all of its glory all at once. So it’s made me buckle down the last few days in preparation. Yesterday’s meals included:

Vegan tacos, French toast, and a large glass of chilled green tea with Splenda. Both the tacos and French toast were threw up immediately afterwards, it was a bit hard because I haven’t purged for almost a year. The tea was a bed time thing and was actually super refreshing. It tastes just like sweet tea.

Today’s meals:

I had left over candy from my brother and threw that up. Fun times. Besides that I’ve been drinking water religiously and sipping tea in between.

I’m not expecting to wake up with little to no jiggling fat, but it’ll help my stomach concave a bit and my face will seem more defined.

[starvingmic]

♥️

I dreamed last night that I was happy.

I was happy because my fingers were longer. I was happy because my thighs didn’t touch. I was happy because my stomach was flat. I was happy because my arms were slender. I was happy because my jawline was defined. I was happy because salads tasted refreshing. I was happy because sweaters looked cute on me. I was happy because people loved to hang out with me. I was happy because I was skinny.

However, then, I ate some bread. And then some more. Followed by more bread, and potatoes, and fatty foods. I ate so much and lost everything that had made me happy.

Then I realized how I looked when I lost everything I had worked for, it’s how I look now.

I will be where I want to be before the year is through. It’s not a choice.

[starvingmic]

My go to

Now quick disclaimer, I did read somewhere that oatmeal can keep you from losing fat. However, it’s not like imma keep it down anyways. Fuck it.

Hello precious angels who I cherish. Y’all are beautiful. This is my quick go to for when I feel like I’m going to pass out. Enjoy.

Supplies:

• one packet of oatmeal

• 2&1/2 cp of water

Empty that bitch into a bowl. Dump in all the water. Mix and throw in a microwave for approximately 1-1min 30sec. Take it out and stir and then down it at an inhuman speed. This shit will make you feel overly full.

I know people say “just drink a glass or two of water” 😋🤗... personally, I feel that adding the oatmeal helps it in that it helps me trick myself into being like “ah yes, a full meal.”

Let that bad baby sit for a few minutes and go about your day.

[starvingmic]

IM ACTUALLY DYING LMAOOOOO LIKE BRO I WAS STABLE FOR A WHILE AND THEN I GOT WEIGHED AND GUESS WHO GAINED LIKE 20 POUNDS SINCE QUITTING WORK???? Lol so hi y’all I’m back fr this time because I’m triggered 24/7 again. 🤪🤪

[starvingmic]

I’m not professionally diagnosed

Sorry?

I didn’t realize that I had to be professionally diagnosed to be valid?

Never mind that I’m highly aware of my anxiety surrounding food, my weight, and every inch of my body. It kind of sucks to finally be able to say “I think I have an issue and this is what it is” only to have someone tell you that you aren’t valid because you’ve never been diagnosed.

My family doesn’t believe in them... so I’m sorry? If I mislabeled my eating disorder, it’s on me, because I’m the only one that’s aware of it.

Idk... don’t jump to conclusions when someone says they haven’t been professionally diagnosed... or when they accidentally mislabel their ed. It’s not like I spend all day doing research on it. I’m too busy avoiding food to look into it 🙃

[starvingmic]

Oof

200 followers... welp...

Like this to lose 200 pounds in 2 hours

[starvingmic]

My favorite type of depression is the kind where I’m bed ridden for days in a row and can’t keep shit down because my stomach ties itself up. 😩 like yesssssss, I may be mentally unstable, but at least I’m not gaining. 😍💕👀

[starvingmic]

Stuff no one really talks about

(or maybe I'm just weird and nobody else is having these struggles?)

- since my ED has gotten worse, my blood sugar has been crashing. It leads to me always feeling like I'm going to pass out and I hate it. I didn't even know what it was until a family friend pointed out the other night that I was acting the same way he does whenever his blood sugar is jacked up. Point is, cutting out sugar entirely is impossible.

- I've seen a couple posts about being cold when restricting, but they don't elaborate as much as I'd like them to. It isn't the type of cold where you can cover up and be warm, the feeling doesn't go away. I can no longer sleep with a fan on and I always double up layers. It's exhausting, but nobody else talks about it (or as I previously stated, maybe I'm weird).

- I get tired doing the smallest things, like walking up a few stairs. Not tired enough to sleep, but enough to where I have to take a moment and let my heart settle down because it's beating like I just ran five miles. (I'm not overweight or obese in any way, but I'm not underweight either.)

- peeing 24/7

- my hair has been getting extremely thin the past few weeks as well, and I knew it would, but I didn't expect that much. It's dead.

- deep under eye bags no matter how much sleep I get. They won't go away.

- my fear food list grows a lil longer every day. Right now it takes up the front and back of a standard college ruled notebook page. The stress of avoiding that food gives me anxiety and makes it impossible to focus on anything else.

- all those posts about 💗💤 avoiding food 🐋💐 are complete bs as soon as you start to become legitimately triggered by thinspo. Once you become triggered by a picture or a few words, food never leaves your mind. Sure, I can paint my nails, listen to music, and play Sudoku, but the thought is always there. 'if I were to eat that, I'd then have to walk for this long and do about this many crunches'

- the only way to successfully avoid a binge is to pay attention to yourself and document how you feel before, during, and after. This means letting yourself binge a few times, but fighting it as much as possible to simulate a real one. I did this several weeks ago and I avoided binges up until this week because my routine changed.

I'd appreciate it if you'd drink some water and give yourself a snack, thanks. 🌻🐝

[starvingmic]

Common symptoms before a blackout:

Dizziness.

Weakness.

Sweating.

Blurred vision, seeing spots.

Headache.

Sensation that the room is moving.

Ringing in the ears.

Nausea, vomiting.

What to do:

Lay down to help the blood flow.

Do not try and walk it off, your body needs a second to catch up with you.

If you have water near you, drink it up.

If not, ask someone for help to grab you some water. Please do not risk fainting at this point, as you are incredibly delicate.

Move slowly and find something to nibble on to help regain strength.

Please be aware of your body. It’s telling you it needs food for a reason, you can only run on empty for so long.

Stay safe and hydrated 👽

[emssecondjourney]

as someone who has been passing out regularly since I was 10, I would like to add:

-go lay down with your feet upwards, it helps the bloodflow a lot

-if possible, sit down hunged over with your head bend forwards, then have someone put their hands against the back of your head, while you try to push their hands back, this works the best for me, idk if it actually does but it feels like the blood goes back to your brain

-this may not be the best option to put on here, but eating something high in sugar works really really well, to prevent but also as an after cure when you’re still confused and shaky (high in sugar could be just two gummy bears, don’t kid yourself that it has to be high cal, I usually have 1 cookie or something cause they work best for me)

-try to focus on using your hands, sit or lay down and focus on doing things with your hands, if you have a pen or elastic band or something to fidget with even better, try to fidget with it a lot, idk why but it helps

-idk if this one is actually solid advice but try to squeeze your legs or arms, I always do this and dunno if it actually helps, but when I pass out I go entirely numb for a few seconds to minutes and if I’m about to pass out in an inconvenient situation this usually makes sure I pass out a bit later, instead of right there and then

[starvingmic]

Bless 🙏🙏🙏

[starvingmic]

0 cal 'juice'

Technically, it's tea. We're calling it juice though because it makes me feel normal.

It's super easy

Take two bags of hibiscus tea for every one cup of hot water. Leave them for at least two to three minutes and then drain them before throwing them away. Stir in sugar while it's still hot (I use two packets of that zero cal Splenda or wateva type shiznits). Leave in freezer for thirty minutes with a few ice cubes in it. When it's cold, pull it out and put more ice in it then drink up.

Yum yum.

[starvingmic]

Thur, Aug 9, 2018

Cals: a shit ton

Cals burned: like five lmao

Binges: all day, every day

Notes:

So ig getting high wasn't the answer after all

Whoops