when you’re lost in possibilities and assumptions
it’s not easy to think clearly. on good days i can read with the expectation to be enlightened, and it’ll click. on bad days, nothing work. no holy song or holy word will shift the fear in me. the most difficult part is usually not being able to pinpoint the root cause of fear. at any given time, i am thinking of several dimensions to things, situations, or contexts: what’s present, what’s past, what’s future. what i’m doing, what i’ve already done, what i am going to do. what i should do. then what others think i’ve done, what others think i am going to do, what others think i should do. sometimes, the task is as small as sending a message that is a question. i wasn’t fast enough sending a message this morning because i had revised it a few times considering details i thought of including, and making sure it’s in one message so it’s not a barrage of notifications. then the phone rang twice and it so happened the only phone that could be used to pick up was the one on my desk. that didn’t help at all. earlier than that, i managed to wake up earlier as intended and prayed while doing yoga. this helped me arrive at an all-right monday morning disposition. evidently, it didn’t last long enough to make me more mentally agile in a crucial moment. in the afternoon, i made it a point to exercise against what happened in the morning, and sent out quite a few emails and messages that normally would have taken me longer because of the many things i’d usually consider. it is sometimes a great effort and takes all my presence and consciousness to sequentially and simply execute. what does it take for it to be more comfortable for me? some kind of assurance about the outcome/consequence of my actions. some kind of predictability. some kind of detachment. a release of the need to be right. a release of the fear of making a mistake. a release of feeling i am worthless if i am not useful. tonight this doesn't come easy. but i stay in prayer in search of it. they always say God is in the most difficult moments, the ugliest truths, the helpless situations. and i can't will seeing Him by myself, God knows how my stubbornness has tried. it can only be my full surrender and His full power.