I love motion.

Hi I am a 21 yr old trying to get gd at animation and stuff. ---- Update 1: 25 yr old working a full-time job, struggling to be.

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I feel like I’ve never been so full in my life....

How do people decide to order 2 cakes after dinner????? 

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Sleep for thought....

What if I wake up at 4:30am?

And then nap in the afternoon?

Would that break me?....

I should try this for the whole of next week and see what happens. My concern is that if I nap in the afternoon, I wont be able to sleep at night, which then I wont be able to wake up so early.

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Gaps of Time

The gaps between actual work at a fulltime desk job....

So what's the research on people working efficiently for 8 hours straight (with a lunch break)?

What a way to live, hey?

And working from home, I have freedom to use those gaps of times. And sure I practice my soccer in the back yard if I'm feeling particularly bogged. But I never seem to be able to work on my own this during my work hours. Lack of will power I say. If I was a perfect being I would work on my comic and cube animation right now... but I feel like I would burn out. I feel heavy when it comes to juggling projects during work. J says that I should switch to fewer hours and up my pay. And it sounded counter intuitive to me at first, but it's to increase the value of my time rather than being motivated by money.

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6am

I wake up early to feel productive... I find that the time I have alone usually makes up for how the rest of the day will go...

And even in saying that I just decide to go on social media and waste a hour of it. And now it's already 7am. I have to work in 1.5 hrs...

And what to show for it? Nothing. I can barely remember what I looked at.... I go to IG, Google News (which is hardly actual news) and then youtube feed. For an hour? I really need to kick this bad habit...

I thought maybe I tried waking up early to avoid my family, but that's not true coz I use to wake up at 4:30 sometimes when I lived in my apartment and that was some of my most productive times. And the productivity in a way made me feel like I had purpose. Even if the work itself was meaningless.

I like that I get myself excited to wake up with the thought of tea. I would love to eat it with cake every morning too but I know that's a terrible idea. I just want something sweet though ya' know?

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Work

I use to think I was destined for more.

But now I sit here drained, wondering how many more days I can take of repetitive menial tasks.

I could leave. But I would be leaving stable income, and at a time like this it feels hard to come by. And I spend many hours being desperate and crying because I couldn't find a job to leave retail... and now I want to leave?

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So cool. I am here right now as an animator - which is the label I would give myself (despite hardly animating?)

But what do we do when no stone is left unturned from previous generation. By our ancestors. We live in a world with a over saturated - EVERYTHING. I feel like discovery use to be a huge part of motivation. And now it’s just like we are re-learning what people already know and not going beyond that if you are an average person. 

So then I sit here thinking. What could my animation and art possibly offer to the world?

Entertainment? - Why should I try and entertain a population that already has a over-saturated marked...

Social Justice? - I’m not one to be political (Yet. But is this the answer? Being political = meaning?)

To tell a Story? - MMMm. Yes - but I lived a easy life... what story is there to tell.

And sure. I could help others tell their story... but it’s hard to collaborate on a project that has no budget, with a screen-writer who is also willing to work for free. Maybe I need to keep digging for reasons. Or maybe I rebel by making things that are useless. It’s not a terrible thing to make useless things if I can’t find a place to be useful is it? I could die and the world wouldn’t change. Such is a life of being mediocre. So do I challenge to be more? Or do I live a carefree life and leave the challenge to the 1% to change the world and do meaningful work. 

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My quest for meaning?

School existing to keep the young out of the job market, so that the boomers can take the glory in their careers is an interesting take. I say boomers, but I’m not really targeting identities since everyone is a victim to some extent, but that’s probably not a good way to look at things either...

My quest for meaning during my adolescence was to please adults. I’ve put them on a pedestal, but any smart kid would realize that no - adults don’t know everything, and some just believe in things that are darn right wrong. Things that are at the expense of others without a truly practical reason, who refuse to challenge stereotypes.

So my plan was to be what I saw was getting good attention among my internet community of artists. To become a notable artist. I didn’t really think much beyond that... I didn’t really care what I did. As long as I could be told I’m great for being skillful, whether that be playing guitar or sports. I want glory without reason. 

But now that my mind is calmer, working a menial fulltime job... I now know that fame and glory isn’t what I want. My art doesn’t hold up anymore not that it doesn’t have my childhood drive. I’m just constantly questioning myself, why am I doing this. And then I give up because I realize my head is empty. Why? Because it’s fun? But is it really fun? And I start to lose track of the 25 years I’ve lived as if the multitudes of hours of my brain functioning has amounted to nothing. Is life suppose to be more enjoyable when you just stop over-thinking and just do? But if it were that simple, I wouldn’t be here thinking that reason just doesn’t sit with me. Meaning = Purpose = Meaning = Purpose.....

On the flip side me conforming through high school, and feeling desperate to be working in a rat race is what’s keeping the world at a stand still right? Do I rebel by being lazy and dropping out of the race? Either way the state I’m in isn’t helping anyone. The state of being NULL. 

I know being lazy isn’t the answer but I just mean, to do things without the means of money gains. To just be. Without needing societal validation. 

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We can’t all be special. Just as a colony of ants just blend together. 

So why am I trying to be something I’m not. I’m just a person in a system, just as a working bee is to their queen. Just like now, all I am doing is digesting a 14 year old thoughts. I’m not discovering new ideas. I’ve started to believe that I lack the critical thinking all my life. I was that child that was full of ‘I don’t mind’s when asked a question, and didn’t know how to tell people that I didn’t like have butter in my bread when my friend mum made us sandwiches. Because a part of me thought it was too confronting. And confronting is bad and rude. And through my adult life, I learn to stand up for myself - but just enough to get myself going in society to look like a functioning adult, whatever that means. And yes, I am trying to be something I am not... I’m trying to be the 1% having revolutionary thoughts but I’m merely a cog in the system that can’t lodge itself out because I’m too average. I fit perfectly in the system so there’s no way to fall out.  And as much as school gets criticized, it doesn’t mean much if a child is already feeling hopeless does it? Hopeless in a sense that they have a bad home life and can’t escape it just through school and hobbies, or maybe a child that lives a perfectly non-turbulent life but doesn’t have the drive or joy in things to give them a direction in life. Merely just. Floating by. And that is the resulting adult I am now. The child with the ‘I don’t minds’, too quiet and in ones head to have a strong enough opinion. God I hate the word opinion, because it’s an insecurity I have... not having an opinion is bad right?  --- " just read interesting books and write about things that you're interested in. Keep doing it and your writing is sure to improve -- no pain or struggle involved ”

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Homeschooling. Alternative education. If done right you get amazing you get people like bilie eilish and finneas who are good at music, but then they had actor parents so maybe that's a bad example. But for me with the standard 1st world schooling experience, I start to wonder the what ifs....

What if I spend my time in highschool so much better. Because I remember doing nothing but play pokemon for the 2 week school holidays... why didn't I go out more? I was a dumb anxious kid that didn't want to be independent, and also I heard there are bad people out there. And I was a kid. I also was too awkward to just hang? I didn't know people could hang out with no purpose. Yeah I was dumb. (I also had low-self esteem, believing that I was too boring to hang around - which still stems inside me with my insecurity of being a bad conversationalist. No I am still not over my low self-esteem)

Anway, WHAT IF. Instead of the chemistry classes, I was allowed to venture more in arts. Do 1 hr classes of animation every day. Would I be in the top 1% then? And maybe if I did music, I'd feel more fulfilled and had the chance to be a performer. But then there is the flip side of IF that were the case maybe I would have ended up hating animation and music and turned in a completely different direction.

It would certainly just need to be an environment where there is not forced theory and just putting your skill into practice....

Also people tend to say 'I wish I tried harder in school'. It's one of those easy things to say, but you know that you wouldn't do it any different... because some parts are still not interesting enough. Writing out how not being in a structured school is also a easy thing to say. When there are so many factors that could change how a activity/interest is perceived by oneself.

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For Aaron

I only started wanting to post again because of him. He who could think critically and question how the world works at the age of 14.

And I am 25, with not even half of his child brain activity.

So to myself, I say. How can I live on from today... how can I make a break through? And I don't mean some worldly mission. But something that is enough to allow myself to sit with myself. How can I make my days that roll by with my at-home-desk-job. Doing mindless tasks to make an income... into something more? And what does more mean?

And sure. Just because he was so intelligently aware, it didn't mean he had a 'better life' - enlightened with endless happy days, in fact he seemed more depressed. But I can't help but be inspired by his drive to change the world, and glorify his wit and rebelliousness. I can't help but feel helpless in a sea of average people. I am not the top 1% talent in a highly sought out career... To be seen by the world through social media. To stand out. But do I even want that? I'd prefer to be an unseen talent but what does that even mean. I need talent first too, I can't even work hard for 1 full day. OK. I don't want fame.... I just want to do work that I love. If I really get to the bottom of this whole 'what is the meaning of my life' - I know that the mature part of me is saying, there is no right or wrong way to live (within reason). To live like Aaron with a mission and drive. Or to live a 'lazy' life-style when all seems lost and meaningless in the world (apparently that is a new trend, but anything is a trend today). To just enjoy the little things in life. To just be.

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No I'm not 21 years old anymore.

4 YEARS LATER.

Why am I back here again.... blogging is such a fleeting moment for me. I feel inspired to write about my life because I feel like I can provide insight, but to what?

I changed my blog name to something 'ironic', is it ironic that I put quotation marks around it..... All I am trying to say is I want out of the box. Life Update (2019-2021):

I have a long term relationship.. (I only mention this because I never thought I could date anyone)

Left my casual retail job at a grocery store (after 2.5 years?) to work full-time at a safety training startup, as a video editor/animator

Moved out to live in an apartment (15 minutes away from my family house) just to experience independent living for 1 year

Covid-19 happened...

Started playing futsal

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2018 - Start my Career! or at least try?

BOY is there a lot to learn. My birthday came around, and it kind of just hit me that I am not trying hard enough. Sure I already knew that I wasn’t, but you forget to work hard. You go back to your casual job and spend mindless hours there, come home and do something that doesn’t really count towards what you actually want to do with life, and then go to bed. And it’s like that day never existed. 

Mental health wise, I am all over the place as well, and it makes me wonder if I will ever be relaxed enough to get a job and be consistent. My life is great. But I myself, as a person is shit, so I end up wasting these opportunities where I am around such wonderful people and environments. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I always feel so disconnected form my own mind - and this is just a whole different topic, quite irrelevant to Art, but is very much what makes me, ME. It just bothers me a lot because I know that it effects my opportunities and how I network, though it’s not what I consciously focus on because that would make me feel worse. It’s just always at the back of my mind that just being timid and having skills wont get me far enough.

Anyhow, I like to make myself feel worse by comparing myself to everyone else. A lot of my friends and people I know are still busy with uni or have already started a job in the field. And I feel like I am being left behind, which is a terrible way of thinking because it ignites jealousy and all those ugly feelings. 

I have graduated. And haven’t found a job in my field. 

What do I need to do? 

Just keep going. And be content with the small things in life. 

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Texture Goal:

Crate

Weapon

Monster

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC2gLXdZ208

The material didn’t look right until I added the Specular map. Don’t know where to put the AO and Norm maps lol. 

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A mini animation I made for my sister’s birthday. 

Used particular plugin for the confetti.

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LightGlobe continued... 

Using ‘Shatter’ Effect. 

I fixed the weird rotation of the globe that didn’t match the hose movement by moving the anchor point to the correct place. 

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Joystick n Sliders Joystick was easy to understand, as for slider, I had no idea what I was doing. The single cube on the right was easy to manage, but the staircase? NOPE. It just did not want to flow.  

Also took too long trying to figure out how to create a parallelogram, when all I needed to do was skew the shape.  

...I’ll come back for you sliders