Liz @steamdeckaddict - Tumblr Blog

A little less sugar

summary: All good things must come to an end. But is it really the end? pairing: Jack Abbot x sugar baby!reader note: Whoo, I almost shared the google docs page with my co-worker today. Oopsie.

The textbook begins to feel just as heavy as your eyelids around the third hour of your intense study session, and you look at your phone to see what time it is – almost noon. You’re not hungry, he’s coming around six, so you have a few hours to take a nap before getting ready for his arrival. Study can wait (well, it can’t, but you definitely don’t have the brain capacity to spend more time studying today) so you toss the book on the floor and lie down on the couch with your phone on your stomach.

But sleep, that sneaky bastard, doesn’t come.

Even though you’re tired, your brain can’t shut off. There’s a high level of excitement taking over your thoughts, only because he is coming to visit again. With the night shift and occasional daytime extra jobs he’s picking up to pass the time, his visits became less frequent, much to your disappointment. So, this is why today’s special. He has texted you, and he called you, but he hasn’t visited you in a month. A month!

Which is mostly annoying due to the fact you both live in Pittsburgh. If he was only living on the other side of the continent, you would understand why, but this just confuses you. If he doesn’t want you anymore, why doesn’t he just end this arrangement? It’s stupid anyway, although it’s hard not to admit the extra income helps paying for your own place and your studies.

And he wanted exclusivity, he wanted you to be available whenever you’re not in school, but he’s not around, what’s the point? You could easily find another man to help you out in exchange for your company, in fact, there was one suggesting this a few weeks ago, but you’re an idiot, so you said no.

Only because you like Jack a little too much, way more than you should. After all, you’re not his girlfriend, you’re just someone he passes his free time with, which is why such emotions should be involved. You can’t fall in love with him, you can’t let yourself be blinded by him, you should probably end–

A click.

A key in the lock turns and the door of your apartment opens slowly. Not many people have a key – your best friend just in case you lose your set, and Jack. He pays for the apartment, so the least you had to do was give him a key.

And it’s him. He’s hours early, looking tired, but still smiling when your eyes meet. A part of you wants to celebrate, jump up and run over to him, but another part wants to stay where you are, keeping a comfortable distance for now. This is the part of you that wants to end this arrangement, and right now, it seems like it’s winning the mental fight in your head.

As always, he immediately realizes that something’s wrong. You don’t know if he suspects what decision you’ve just made, but he still takes a deep breath before sitting on the other end of the couch, as far from you as possible to give you the space you clearly need.

“Something’s wrong, I can see it. Talk to me,” he says seriously, but his expression is still as soft as always.

He has just arrived, you can’t pour everything on him right away, and you’re also not feeling like ripping that band-aid off yet. Maybe in an hour or so you’ll be ready to tell him about your decision. “You just arrived hours earlier, I look like a mess, and–”

“What’s bothering you, sweetheart? I know it’s not the fact you don’t look like some porcelain doll.”

“So, what do you want to do today?” you ask, trying to change the topic.

Jack tilts his head to the side with narrowed eyes as he thinks about what to say. Now that he knows you’re hiding something, he’ll become a dog with a bone, not letting you avoid telling him the truth. He’s not doing this because he’s controlling, he’s doing this because he cares about you, and he’s worried something’s wrong.

You feel bad for lying (or rather for not telling him what’s on your mind). But how could you tell him the truth when he’s looking at you like this? His eyes are reflecting several things at once, from worry to kindness to the quit-this-bullshit glint in them.

Pushing these thoughts aside, you stand up and go to the kitchen, reaching for a glass to pour him something to drink. The distance helps you calm down a little, but then he shows up beside you, leaning against the counter with his arms folded over his chest. He doesn’t say a word, but the look gives you is enough to draw a deep sigh out of you.

You don’t have another choice, you need to tell him the truth now. “I don’t think I can do this,” you announce, your voice slightly shaking despite your best effort to stay calm.

“Do what?” he wonders suspiciously, even though he clearly has an idea.

“This. Us.”

Nodding a few times, he sits on the counter and watches you with an alarmingly calm look on his face, like it doesn’t bother him at all. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe he’s been planning to end this anyway, hence the less frequent meetings lately.

For some strange reason, it feels like he has just stabbed you in the heart with a knife, even though you’re the one who said it out loud first.

This arrangement has never been about sex, he never even kissed you in the past year, it was truly only your company he wanted. According to him, he chose you because you are a med student, and he loved the idea of discussing his days with someone who understands it. Also, he wanted to teach you, help you learn a lot more than you would find out from books.

“Why’s that?” he suddenly asks.

You clear your throat, hesitant to answer his question, but it luckily only lasts for a moment. “You’re halfway out of this arrangement anyway.”

It’s amazing how casually you can say this, how easily you can make it sound like you haven’t been slowly getting too attached to him. There’s a hurt look crossing his eyes for a moment, but he returns to an unusually neutral expression right away, making it hard for you to understand what’s going on in his mind.

Jack remains silent, which makes you wish he was yelling at you instead. At least then you would know he cares, even if just a little. But there’s no sign of emotions, no facial expressions that would give away how he feels about this, so you nod, defeated, and turn on your heels to leave the kitchen. You’re not sulking, you’re just ready to pack your essentials and move out, even though you know he has his own home, so he doesn’t need you to move out right away.

But maybe it’s you who needs a distance from this place that reminds you of him, maybe it’s you who wants a friend’s company to forget about this whole mess you got yourself into last year.

“Care to explain to me how I’m halfway out of this arrangement exactly?”

You jump from the surprise, because you didn’t expect him to follow you, especially to the bedroom that he has never been to. After you drop a sweater into the suitcase, you slowly turn around to look at him, but you probably look like a deer in the headlights, because his expression softens at the sight. He shoves his hands into his pockets, then blows out the air he’s been holding in his lungs, still, he doesn’t say anything, he expects you to answer his question first.

Unable to find the right words, you sink onto the edge of the bed and fold your hands in your lap. It takes you a minute to gather your thoughts and strength to tell him what’s on your mind. “We used to meet at least twice a week, now I only see you once a month,” you explain quietly.

“We talk on the phone and exchange messages daily,” he’s quick to point out.

With a huff, you lean back a little and rest your weight on your hands behind you. “Jack, come on, you know it’s not the same. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be needy, but–”

Since you suddenly fall silent, he shakes his head a little and asks, “But?”

There’s no way you’re gonna tell him the truth. Instead, you decide to share another, much less important matter with him. “I got an offer for a similar arrangement not long ago, and it made me think. Maybe it’s time to change,” you admit.

“What was the other offer about?”

“It’s none of your business.”

The way you say these words, so defensive and a little angry, makes Jack let out a sigh and he nods. “Whatever you say, goes,” he says as he raises his hand in defeat. “There’s no need to pack, I’ll pay the rent for the next two months until you figure out this other arrangement.”

Before you could say a word, before you could tell him you don’t need his money anymore, or you could say sorry, he leaves the room, and soon you hear the front door closing behind him. Maybe not telling him the truth was a mistake, but there’s no turning back now.

Letting out a shaky breath, you pick up your phone and look for the profile of the guy you told him about. Let’s just not make the same mistake again, you tell yourself as you begin to type a message to him.

• • • •

Life is hell.

With the exams, with the pressure of choosing a hospital where you can take shifts, with your family always asking you when you’re gonna introduce your mysterious boyfriend who’s the sole reason why you never visit, and with your friends having a happy love life, all while yours is basically non-existent…

Okay, that last one is your choice, and you can’t quite put such a romantic label on what you have with your latest sugar daddy. Spencer is cool, he really is. He’s handsome, he spoils you rotten, he takes you on trips, he visits you as often as his schedule allows, he calls or texts you every time he can, and you know he thinks of this as a real relationship.

Which is a mistake.

This can never become a real relationship, because right now he pays for your company, which means he pays your rent and covers all of your expenses. If you started dating for real, without him giving you money, you would have to look for a job, which would leave less time for him, which could ruin the relationship. Or, the other option, is that he’ll continue to pay for everything, in which case there will be a power imbalance you would never want to experience.

Following an exceptionally tough exam at university, you and a few of your friends rush out of the building to get some fresh air and leave the whole school atmosphere behind for the rest of the day. You all need to unwind now that the hardest exam is over, with only two, much less demanding exams coming up that week. They’re not a walk in the park, but at least you’re not throwing up from the stress when you think about them.

You only check your phone when you reach the entrance of the building, and see a text from Spencer that apparently arrived after you muted the device and put it safely in your bag.

< Spencer: Good luck, baby. >

Lizzy bumps her shoulder into yours. “Prince Charming is back at it?” she asks with a huge grin as you walk down the stairs. When you look up with a confused look, she lets out a laugh. “You’re smiling like an idiot.”

“He just wished me good luck,” you inform her with a shrug.

Behind you, Carl and Peter start snickering, and when you glance back at him, he immediately stops.

Shaking your head, you pull your sunglasses down and take a moment to enjoy the sunshine. Having that exam behind you feels like a huge weight has just rolled off your shoulders, it’s like the world is suddenly a much better place. Maybe your life isn’t hell, after all.

Suddenly, you feel a pair of hands on your shoulder as you’re being steered in a completely different direction, and when you yelp in hopes of getting an answer, you’re just being shushed like some annoying kid. “Some weirdo is staring at us, I don’t want you girls anywhere near him,” Peter informs you, and when you glance to the side, you see Carl steering Lizzy the same way.

The boys are doing this for your benefit, but now that he told you about the weirdo, you simply can’t let the opportunity of seeing them pass. Is it a man? Is it a woman? What do they look like? What do they want? Were they staring at your little group specifically, or were you simply in their line of sight?

And when you look, your eyes meet the weirdo’s right away, like there is a magnet pulling your gaze to his. Because it’s Jack, not some random creep. He’s standing there, arms crossed, watching you carefully as you’re being dragged away. If you told the others you know him, they would ask a bunch of unwanted questions. That you don’t want, so you simply shrug Peter’s hands off your shoulders and walk in the same direction without his help.

But a part of you still wants to go back.

It wants to go back even though he hasn’t looked for you since that day.

Out of nowhere, Kylie, a fourth year student, runs over to your group with an excited grin on her face. “Guys, don’t freak out, but do you see that guy over there?” she asks, pointing right at Jack.

Peter snorts. “The creep? Yep, we noticed him,” he says.

Kylie gives him a disapproving look. “That guy isn’t a creep. He’s Dr. Abbot, an attending at the PTMC’s ED, and he’s a badass. I mean, I swear the guy is crazy, but in a good way. No wonder people call him and Dr. Robby ER cowboys,” she adds with a laugh, although no one else is laughing. With a roll of her eyes, she adds. “Guys, I’m serious. PTMC is the best place to learn, especially when it comes to the ER, so if you want, I can introduce you all to him.”

“I’ll pass,” you say, even though it kills you.

Lizzy glances at you, then back at the other girl. “I’m in. Sorry, I can’t pass on this chance, I want to do my residency there.”

Beside you, the boys exchange a look, then they nod in a silent agreement. “We’d rather go out for a celebratory drink, thanks,” Carl informs everyone.

“Well, have fun elsewhere, losers,” Kylie tells you with a grin, then grabs Lizzy’s arm to pull her towards Jack.

You can’t talk to him, you keep repeating to yourself as you walk away from him, forcing yourself to look at the screen of your phone instead of the girls who are probably reaching the spot he’s been waiting at now. Instead, you send a message to Spencer to tell him the exam went well and you’re now free, hoping he will say he’s gonna come over to keep you occupied for the night.

• • • •

< Jack: Why didn’t you say hi today? >

Bold of him to text you after all this time, especially in the middle of the night, when you’re lying in bed next to the man who took his place. Sure, the arrangement with Spencer was a little different. Sex wasn’t a part of the deal, but it still happened after a night out, and it soon became the best drug in the world.

Luckily, he doesn’t wake up to the buzzing, but it’s not like you want to start texting with Jack now. Ignoring him is the best option you have. Whatever he wants, it doesn’t matter, not one bit.

< Jack: I waited for you because I have a surprise for you. Wanna know what it is? >

You inhale and exhale deeply, then hide the phone under your pillow, planning to forget about the texts and getting some proper sleep finally.

But it buzzes. Again.

< Jack: I got you a spot at the PTMC. >

Is he out of his mind? What does that supposed to mean?

< You: You did what?! >

< Jack: Here you are. >

< You: It’s not funny, Jack. WTF?! >

< Jack: I miss you. >

< You: I don’t. >

< Jack: Liar. >

< You: I don’t want that spot, and I don’t want you either. >

< Jack: Sure? >

< You: Sure. >

Once you lock your screen and put the phone on the bedside table again, it buzzes one last time, but you don’t pick it up to check the message. Instead, you focus on the way the bed shifts on your side as Spencer moves closer to you, draping one arm around your body as he kisses your bare shoulder.

“Tell whoever it is to fuck off and let us sleep,” he mumbles against your skin.

There’s no bite in his voice, and you know he only said this because he’s tired and half-asleep. Normally, he wouldn’t swear like that, but normally, no one’s texting you in the middle of the night either.

• • • •

Today seems to be one of those days when Jack is taking the night shift, and you know that because he’s leaning against your front door in the hallway when you get home around nine in the evening. You’re in luck that Spencer had to leave for a business trip this afternoon, otherwise you would have some explaining to do.

And it would be terribly awkward too.

“How long have you been waiting here?” you wonder as you push the key into the lock.

You don’t look at him, as if you didn’t even see he was there. The only sign that you did acknowledge his presence is the simple question you casually threw his way. Jack takes a deep breath, then exhales slowly, and you can feel the way his eyes burn a hole into your skull as he watches you closely, like you were some bug he was studying with a magnifier.

But he doesn’t respond, and you don’t feel like waiting for him to finally speak, so you nod, then open the door to walk inside. At first, he doesn’t move, but then, when you’re about to close the door behind you, he puts his palm on it to keep it open.

“We need to talk,” he says seriously, giving you a look that leaves no room for an argument.

With a sigh, you step aside and let him in. He knows where you live, there’s nowhere to run. But do you want to run? What if you were only a little standoffish because talking to him feels like cheating on Spencer? Huh, cheating on a man you’re not even dating, who never asked for exclusivity – even though he did act like it was such a relationship.

You throw your bag on the armchair, then take off your shoes while Jack stops between the kitchen and the living room with his arms once again folded over his chest. This is his basic stance, it’s not defensive, it’s just… him. You’ve learned that over the months spent together, and honestly, every time he did this, you felt safer than ever before.

Not today, though. Today it makes you feel like you were taking part in an interrogation.

When you give him a questioning look to urge him to move on, he nods, then goes, “Why did you end it between us? I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this one in the past year, but I couldn’t figure it out, not even with the help of my therapist.”

“I told you back then, Jack. You were the one backing out of the arrangement,” you point out as you lean against the back of the couch across from him.

“I was not backing out of anything.”

There’s something in his voice, a barely noticeable break that makes you wonder if he was right.

“Then? We both live in Pittsburgh, yet we only met in person once a month towards the end. That’s not normal, you were paying me for phone calls and texts,” you tell him, quickly adding that last part to avoid referring to what you had as a relationship.

“And what? I can’t do whatever the fuck I want with my money? Those were enough for me.”

“You could have just found a friend. You know, a friend that’s free of charge.”

“But they wouldn’t be you!” he snaps, making you choke on the words you wanted to say before he interrupted you. “They are never you,” he adds, his voice quieter now.

You feel like his words have just gripped your heart and squeezed it real hard. “What?” you ask him, unsure what’s that supposed to mean.

Who are the people he’s talking about? Other sugar babies? Or just simple friends, like the ones you suggested?

Jack gulps loudly as he walks over to you with his hands in his pockets. “I tried to move on. I tried to find a way to fill the void you left, but nothing worked.”

He stops, but there’s more, you can see he wants to say more, but something keeps him from saying it. You raise a brow slightly, hoping this could make him talk, but he remains silent. It hurts you, sure, but it’s not like you could say you missed him terribly during the time you spent apart. In fact, the first time you truly thought about him was when he showed up in front of the university, until then, you only had Spencer on your mind.

But now that he’s here, your old feelings for Jack are slowly coming back from their dormant state. Not like that can make you melt on the spot, you’re stronger than that, but they’re still there, in the back of your mind, slightly scratching the surface to get your attention.

“Do you know why I never kissed you?” he suddenly asks, making you freeze for a moment. When you shake your head, he nods. “I didn’t want you to feel like you had to do it in exchange for my money. I did hope you would make the first move, but I assumed you didn’t care. I still do, actually.”

“I didn’t want to force myself on you,” you say before you could stop yourself.

The filter between your brain and your mouth disappeared, leaving you prone to such confessions.

Jack frowns, but doesn’t speak, he waits for you to go on instead. So, you do. You open your mouth and begin to tell him how badly you wished he would kiss you, just once, even if he didn’t want to have sex with you in the end. And he listens (truly listens) without interrupting you, and only when you stop with tears in the corner of your eyes does he reach out to touch your face.

“Sweetheart, that’s all I ever wanted, I just didn’t think you would want the same thing,” he says with a small, tight smile.

Nodding, you lean against his touch, unable to hold back the tears. The tears of relief now that you know he wanted you back then, and the tears of guilt for letting yourself talk about this despite being in an arrangement with someone else right now. Someone you like very much. Maybe not in the same way you liked Jack back in the day, but it’s still a strong connection the two of you have.

Slowly blowing out the air you’ve been holding, you push his hand away to be free of him so you can think clearly. “Why now?” you ask him.

It takes him off guard, or maybe he just can’t believe that’s what you care about. Either way, he shrugs, then gives you an answer that truly makes you feel like he was a weirdo. “I saw you with that guy the other day, and I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind since then. I needed to give fixing things a shot, I couldn’t live without knowing what could have been.”

Before you could respond, he leans forward to kiss you, and damn it, this is the best thing that ever happened to you. You will have to talk to Spencer, you can’t do this behind his back. And right now? Right now you don’t even know who exactly that guy is, all you can think about is Jack and the way he pushes you against that couch.

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