a gay southerners grief through the art form forced out of her

This blog is not for you. This is my first time using my words and my brain creatively since somebody abused the capability out of them. This blog is for me.

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

Blu was my first friend. I like to remember them that way. I don't know if that's actually true though. We were too high for too much of it.

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

I was 12 and you were 13 when we met. Now I'm 19 and you'll forever be 14. I have grieved you longer than I had you

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

I can swear that it is what it is with chronic illness and that I don't let it bother me because there's nothing I can do about it, but I've lost so many friends because I've been too sick to hang out.

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

To say I did not cope well would be an understatement. I couldn’t breathe for years. Everything I had was taken from me. She was my everything and she was taken from me. I don’t know when I stopped believing in God, but at some point I must have stopped. Grief as someone who isn’t spiritual or religious was horrible because I would love to see her in sunsets and butterflies or even to just think she found peace but I know she is just alone, rotting, in the cold ground, in a place I cannot find nor reach her.

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

Oh Lord, forgive me for what I couldn't stop. It was a 45 minute walk, a 30 minute run, and I made it in 17 minutes. I made it in 17 minutes and I was too late. Oh Lord, forgive me as you welcome her home.

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

Dear Reader, I told you this blog wouldn't be pretty. There is a reason I stopped writing. When I lost her, I had no energy for anything except making it from one breath to the next.  It was a Wednesday morning, around 4am, and I got a message on my phone. I was asleep and I didn’t see that message. I didn’t see that message and now the love of my life is dead and whenever I can’t sleep at night I wonder if she was scared when she died. Dear reader, I always sleep with my ringer on and I haven't slept through the night since.

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

I wish I could tell you that it ended like that. Her and I, happily walking home together. Her and I asleep beside each other. Her and I holding hands and her and I. I wish it had ended as her and I. I wish it were still her and I. Reader, this story is not a fairytale. It is a tragedy. It always has been. It is not a tragedy because it didn’t have to end this way. It is a tragedy because it was always going to end this way. I always knew one of us would not make it out alive. I just didn't think it would be her.

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

When my best friend died, I was too busy keeping both myself and her family afloat that I forgot to grieve her. But you know what they say, what doesn't kill you as a kid makes you struggle in your 20s!

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

Falling in love as a kid and then having that person die is fuckin cruel. Cuz what do you mean I'm destined to yearn for someone I can't have for the rest of my life? What do you mean I have to watch everyone else fall in love and get married and find their soulmate knowing that mine died before we had a chance to be anything?

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

"I have built a house, where I wait for your return. I only want to see you mine and not a lesson learned. And I will wait and wait and wait and wait until this city burns. And I will wait and wait and wait and live on what we were"

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

some of us fall in love young and get married and live happily ever after.

some of us fall in love older.

some of us fall in love and fall out of love.

and some of us fall in love as teenagers and lose the love of our lives. some of us swear to never love again. some of us wait and wait and wait for what we know we can never get back

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

getting a gym membership when you're chronically ill is crazy, bc what do you mean you're lifting 150 pounds because you want to while I'm lifting 5 pounds so that I can hopefully still pour milk into my cereal when my body gets weaker.

I mean, both are valid but its so crazy to me that they can even do that.

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

dying at 19 with no idea whats wrong with you is not for the weak. i'm so cold now. i'm cold all the time

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

i am made up of what i can not have. i am kept alive by a longing that will eventually destroy me

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

.......guess who can't have gluten. me, grocery bill just tripled.

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

noone talks about southern families just erasing people when they die. i had an uncle. i never knew that. i can't even find his obituary

[steepingsmalltownsoutherner]

My roommate is out of town. And my health is declining rapidly. I will not tell her this. Instead, I tell her about her cats. I tell her about the weather here. I tell her about the boil water advisory. I avoid telling her about me. When she left town, I knew I was dying, but I didn't want to say so. One night, I was in a lot of pain and needed my best friend but I knew I couldn't call her. I took the blanket off the couch, the one she always uses and took it upstairs with me, enveloping me in her scent. It's this cream white color and I just surrounded myself with it. It'd kill her to know I'm dying. She can never know. I love her too much to do that to her. God, I love her. I'm so lucky to love her