Mindful Mondays: Letting Go of Regret
As Sinatra once crooned, “Regrets, I’ve had a few…” A few? Who is he kidding, most of us have many! I certainly do, & I’ve racked ‘em up in recent years. Oh, how these pangs of conscience plague my poor soul. Sleepless nights often ensue as I catalogue through each & every mistake, misstep, & wrong decision. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. Why this? Why not that? If only…
Only, I’ve had enough. Why cling to the past & regret? It only causes suffering. And suffering leads to pain. Pain is not invited to this party. So I have to release the suffering, & stop dwelling in the past.
Through my mindfulness & meditation practice, I was beginning to get a handle on my remorse. But then, like a house of glass, the walls crashed through, & once again, I’m found myself buried under the regret of a very difficult decision I made last year. I had to decide to hang on to or let go of something very important, something I’d worked hard for, something that gave me a sense of security. However, this “thing” had also brought about some frustration, stress, & financial hardship. It was the scene of a deep heartbreak, & it often made me feel trapped. As for my options, at the time, it seemed like loose/loose. It wasn’t an easy decision & it took me many years to finally settle on what to do. But even then, I wavered through the entire process. Finally, it was over. What was done was done. I picked up heart, life, & memories & moved on.
But then suddenly, everything changed. Within a month, I felt like I’d made a mistake. Who knew how quickly things would shift on the other side? I desperately tried to see the silver lining, to make sense of situation, to believe that everything happens for a reason, & find hope in the future. Months went by, & the regret subsided. I felt okay. “It is what it is.” But now, nearing the year anniversary of the outcome of this decision, the weight of it all has been baring down harder than ever. I MADE A MISTAKE. I go over it in my mind everyday…that what ifs & if onlys. And who really knows, if I had chosen differently would I be happier, would I be free, would I be any better off? Maybe not. Maybe I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Whats done is done. I cannot change what is past. I cannot regret it away. So now what?
"Regret is a form of clinging that can be penetrated & released with mindfulness."
Everyone experiences regret, it’s just all in how you approach it. Even the Dalai Lama in his book, The Art of Happiness speaks of his own experience of regret: “It’s still there. But even though that feeling of regret is still there, it isn’t associated with a feeling of heaviness or a quality of pulling me back.” So how can we acknowledge our regrets without clinging to the story line & allow them to weigh us back down into the pain of the past? This is where mindfulness comes in!
When you experience that quality of heaviness or being pulled back, it is a symptom indicating that you are clinging to something in the past. Being mindful means letting go equally of past & future & being present for each moment as it arises. It serves no purpose to judge yourself or to wish to undo that which has been written.
I recently came across this post from Tiny Buddha & it resonated with me so deeply.
“Every new day is another chance to change your life.” ~ Unknown
You know the moment. It happens right after you realize you did something you wish you didn’t.
Regardless of what you did, you can feel your anxiety like a stack of red hot bowling balls surgically implanted in your stomach. It’s that dreaded “Good God! Oh no! What was I thinking? Why me?” moment when you think one of two things:
~ I did something I shouldn’t have & I might not be able to fix it.
~ I did something I shouldn’t have so I’m going to lose something important.
Both of those things might be true. In fact, they often are. Actions do have consequences. We do lose things—all through life. Nothing is permanent, not even the most secure relationship. But none of this has to be catastrophic.
Sometimes losing one thing opens you up to something else. It might be a lesson that helps you be more effective & happier in the future, or it could be a new possibility you never even thought to seek.
Or maybe it won’t benefit you in any discernible way right away. Let’s call a spade a spade—maybe you’ll wish you went a different way, grieve what you lost, & then eventually let it go & move on.
The point is you will eventually let go & move on.
And because you’re a strong, smart, capable person, you’ll find ways to make this new direction meaningful for you. To make up for what you lost by gaining something equally important in the aftermath, whether it’s a new understanding of your strengths, a new idea of who you want to be, or a new opportunity to try again a little wiser.
What’s important to remember is that no matter what changes or slips away, you can still do something meaningful & fulfilling right from where you are.
There is always hope. Even in the midst of despair. What ever you may be regretting, if you can, let it go. Dwelling in the past won’t serve you. All we have is this moment. Right here. Right now.
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