Stella - From Brooklyn

At first it was just rumors. People claiming that the dead were coming back to life. Whispers of a deadly outbreak that could kill you in a weeks time, with no cure, and as easily contractible as getting scratched. It was only a week before the rumors became truth. When her mother came home from a graveyard shift at the hospital, and immediately called her father into their room for a 'little talk', Stella knew something was wrong... Information/RP Blog for Stella Agnello, an Original Character created for the Outbreak SL RP Community.

[stella-survives]

I felt something today... I can't really place what it was. Sadness? Anger? Regret? I don't know. I just had this weird pain in my chest and I was crying... but... why?

We hanged V today. He just came walking up and Grant arrested him. I wasn't truly expecting that, but... I'm not sad to see the man go? I don't think?

I dont know what is happening in my head anymore. I need to talk to Brad or Elias. Someone who can help me with this shit.

I think I'm pushing Nova away. I'm not really trying to. I... I don't know. I'm just so afraid of having people close to me. That's the last thing I want to feel. Fear.

Any other feeling would be welcomed. But fear, especially the same fear of loosing loved ones I've been feeling for years... I don't want that anymore. I cant do it. I just cant.

At least V isn't an issue anymore. She can sleep a little easier at night. So can I, I guess... I don't know.

                          Whatever                             Stella

[stella-survives]

The Death of Voltaire Edgar-Cain Strider. 

[stella-survives]

 Day 1100

I haven't written in a long time. I got lots of excuses. Didn't have time, didn't seem important. Didn't have paper. Was too emotionally stunted to express myself. Bunch of dumb shit. I promised myself I wouldn't go looking for him... and then I did. Not a fucken sign. He could pop back up tomorrow and I think I'd shoot him in the fucken face. He knew how I felt about letting him in, and he left anyway.  I started lookin for my dad after that. I kind of didn't want it to be a wasted trip... and I was too ashamed to go back to Arklay yet. Only thing I found in Utah was that damn note the old fucker left me when he left. I shouldn't have looked for him either.  Everyone I cared about is dead. I understand that now. I own it. It's my reality. Nova's alive, yeah... and that's good and all. But she's got her brother, his best friend. She's got other people. I got no one. I can't really be jealous. But I am I guess. I always did better on my own. I'll just have to stick to that. I'll help her out with the shop, and be there if she needs me... but when I got back to the island, I realized she didn't really need me at all. It's my fault she's knocked up and stuff. If I hadn't had trusted V... she wouldn't have. I'll do my best to keep her safe till she has the kid, then I'm probably going to be better off figuring shit out on my own. She'll always mean the most to me, but I'm starting to have trouble holding onto that. I've just been knocked down too many times emotionally I think. I can't cry. I can't smile for real. I... I really think I'm dead inside. V used to say we weren't so different. I think he might of been right. Much as I hate to admit that. I've been getting drunk and high a lot lately. Feeling something... anything... I just need that nowadays. I gotta focus on something or I'm gonna spiral.

                          Fuckit                             Stella

[stella-survives]

 I had a horrible feeling this would happen. I pushed the damn thoughts aside I told myself it would be okay. Just open up. Let yourself feel again. Nothing is going to happen.

And then it did. Claws is missing. He left for mainland almost two fucking weeks ago. Told me he would be back quickly. He hasn't been seen or heard from since. I keep trying to tell myself, he's okay. He'll be fine. He's probably just further away from the island than usual. But I don't believe that deep down. I'm so scared.

I haven't told Nova that I've been spending so much time 'scavenging' on mainland to look for him. Thor picked up his scent when I first started looking, but he lost it near a raider camp. Claws wouldn't be dumb enough to go into a raider camp alone. At all really. But it still scares me. Where could he be? Is he coming back? Should I just get the fuck over it? I fucking promised myself I wouldn't fall in love catch feelings again. Yet here I fucking am, worried sick about someone when I have better shit to be worried about. I need to move on. If he comes back, he comes back... but I can't keep doing this. It's not safe. It's not healthy. I need to be more worried about Nova and the island and everything going on.

I just wish he would come back. I feel so stupid.

                             ~Stella

[stella-survives]

Day 1015

     Nova and I decided it's best we remove V from our lives. As fun as it was having someone to consider a father again... he proved too many times that he was more of a risk to us, than a benefit. I know Nova must be so sad. Her reasons are vastly different from mine but have the same root issue. We know we're safer without him close to us. It's not that either of us think that V would try and hurt us... it's just that he already has too much around him. He got us wrapped up in his sisters bullshit and then left us there. He caused fights between us. He's just been an all around omen. I'd say I'll miss him... but the fucker hasn't paid a lick of attention to me in weeks. I'm over it.     Speaking of wrapped... it seems that Nova and V should have been doing that... because the fucker isn't as infertile as he claimed to be. Because Nova is pregnant. Actually pregnant. What is she we going to do? She just broke up with V... I mean... I wouldn't fucken tell him if I was her. He's not going to put the baby's safety first like me and her would. Nah... He's a fucking liability. I mildly hate myself for giving him a chance. I really do. None of this shit would have happened.

               Fuck my life. Again.

                                 ~Stella

[stella-survives]

Day 1011

     Have you ever done something that everyone told you not to? Or trusted someone that everyone told you not to? And then ended up realizing that you should have fucken listened because those people were all right? Currently... me as fuck. V is slowly but fucking surely proving that he not only wasn't worth my time, but he didn't deserve my trust. He's been pretty much fucking ignoring me since starting to date Nova. That's not even the fucken ringer...

      I ran off after he ignored me for a good ass time and ended up getting followed by his sisters, Jade and Levy. I was nice, told them I was fine but to leave me alone. V shows up and starts threatening them, then Jade calls me a fucking bitch... and I loose it. I start flipping the fuck out, defending V. Jade says all this shit, Levy bans me from coaches... and then V... in a fucking SPECTACULAR display of fuckery, calls a truce with his sisters, says he's sorry, and bails. This fucker bailed, leaving me and Nova to deal with Jade and Levy and two other fucking Howlers by ourselves. Is he fucking joking me? Like.... you left us to the fucking wolves. What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm so mad I could kill him. He fucking made Nova cry. She has never cried in front of me! And he fucking did it. He better have an amazing reason for what he did. He really better... cause if he doesn't, I'm done. I'm literally going to remove him from my life and Nova's, whether she's accepting or not.

 I never should have let him near us. I'm an idiot.

                           ~Stella

[stella-survives]

Day 1008

Nova and I worked things out... mostly because Claws helped me see what a fucking moron I was being. I'm glad he cares enough to be tough like that. Anthony wouldn't have done that. He was so young and stupid honestly. It's different with Claws. He's just... honest, and real. I appreciate him. Nova and V are getting closer. They both seem happier honestly, and I guess that's really all I can ask for. Sure it's a little weird still, but I'll definitely get over it eventually.

  The Howlers have been quiet recently... or so they want us to think. As soon as V said that creepy clown fuck was a Howler, more of them showed up. Two other women. Of course. Slade and the twins. I fucking knew it. Those fucking cunts. I really just want to put them down before they hurt anyone. I think of of them caused a fucking explosion behind the diner? Fucking dumb.

  Me and Claws kind of bonded a little yesterday. Talked about our lives before Arklay. He blames himself for his parents deaths. I have a feeling I won't be able to convince him otherwise, but I feel terrible. I really knew how that felt. I felt it so horribly every time I lost someone in my family. I felt it when I killed Zombie Anthony. I don't think he gets the whole concept of 'if you didn't pull the trigger, you aren't to blame'. I mean sure, there's certain instances, but his didn't sound like one of them. I wish I could take his hurt and worry away the way he does mine.

                            ~Stella

[stella-survives]

Day 1006

List of things I never thought I'd do again:

 Shower  Wear Make-up  Eat Cake  Eat Doritos  Have sex

 Yes. You read that last one correctly. I, Stella Maria Agnello... had sex again. I have kind of been leading up to this... I'm also very proud of myself for holding out as long as I did, but I did it. Twice actually. I don't want to seem weird... but Claws is not a gentle lover like Anthony was. No fucking shit. I'm about it though! Like I really enjoy it. It was amazing. It really was. I'm going to actually have to either find like... birth control pills (are those expired now?) or some of those super duper thin condoms. Cause condom vs. no condom? Also Claws' pullout game is a little weak... >.> FML I'm going to end up knocked up. WTF would I even do with a baby? I got mad at Ryan for being useless, and at least he wiped his own ass. Anyway... Me and Nova got in a pretty shitty fight. I still think it's weird, her and V... and it really bothers and upsets me. She seems to feel like I'm over reacting and making a big deal out of nothing. She even like... degraded my relationship with V. 'He's not your real dad, sorry.' I know that, bitch. No need to make a dick comment about it. Anyway... talk about a roller coaster, right?                  ~Stella

[stella-survives]

I found myself dreaming

In silver and gold

Like a scene from a movie

That every broken heart knows we were walking on moonlight

And you pulled me close

Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone 

I woke up in tears

With you by my side

A breath of relief

And I realized

No, we're not promised tomorrow 

So I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna hold you

Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing

I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when

When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

[stella-survives]

[stella-survives]

Though nothing, will drive them away We can beat them, just for one day We can be heroes, just for one day

[stella-survives]

AES Supply Run - 2017

[stella-survives]

 I don't know if I'll get found before I pass out. This is the last piece of paper in my bag. If you find this and I'm not with it, know I'm probably dead. This leg is bleeding too much. I can't get it to stop. It's a slow trickle, but I'm getting worried. I don't want to tell Ariel and Brad... they'll just freak out. This supply run was not fucking worth it. I shouldn't have gone after Brad. Now I'm going to fucking die out here. FUCK. The amount of raiders we had to deal with. This is fucking retarded. Maze picked the worst fucking hospital to go too. If she had fucking listened to me and just gone to that CVS I had mentioned, none of this would have happened.

 I better not fucking die before I get laid. I will haunt the shit out of everyone.

 My head is starting to hurt. I better turn this light off before it gets us noticed.

                           ~Stella

[stella-survives]

Day 1002

    My brain has officially melted. Of all things I thought would happen today... walking in on Nova and V having sex in the apartment... was not one of them. Yep. THEY FUCKED. How? Why? When did this become a fucking thing? I'd like to blame the bourbon she got from Levy, but... it is the next morning. It's not like it's they're drunk. Ew. Fucking ew.

   In other news, Ryan disappeared. Good? He 'went to mainland' to try and find his parents or some shit... never came back. He's probably dead. Oh well.

    In other, other news... Things with Claws have been amazing. I really care about him. I didn't think I would ever fall for someone like this again. I had spent so much time waiting for Anthony to come back... I never even considered anything else. It's nice to have him. I feel like he keeps me balanced? I spend so much time surviving and fighting... it's such a breath of fresh air to just get to be myself again. To be vulnerable for a change. I feel safe around him. I'm not afraid that he is going to hurt me, or let anyone else hurt me. I'm always the one protecting everyone else, yanno?

    We're going on a supply run with the hospital today too. I'm not going to risk my life to protect these people. That sounds shitty, but my survival is more important to me than getting some bandaids. I won't risk my life to save any of them either. Maybe Brad, just because he's a friend... but not if he does something dumb. If I don't make it back... Nova can have my things. Thor too... though he has sort of fallen in love with Jen I think... who knows.                                       ~Stella

[stella-survives]

I got your 6.

[stella-survives]

Day 999

I slept over Claws' tent last night. Originally I planned to because I swore Nova was going to be sloppy with all that bourbon... but instead I stole a couple bottles of shine from her stash and headed to his place. I don't really remember what all happened. Neither does he... but we can blame the booze for that. I know we didn't go all the way. We woke up dressed... mostly. His fly was down, my bra was undone. It kind of seemed like we were on our way there and just fell asleep instead. FML? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have objected to it sober, but I definitely want to remember that sort of thing. It's gonna happen. It's a matter of goddamn time. He's so sexy... I just... jesus. He really makes me feel better. About everything. Also... supposedly V cried to Nova... and the only thing that stopped him from crying was her mentioning having me to care about. That was heart warming. Fake dad is becoming more and more important to me.

 Comm shop is running nicely. We're probably going to be hiring someone pretty soon. An extra hand will help. I'm going on a supply run with the AES on Saturday. I'm a little worried about it, especially after the raider attack in town earlier this week... but not for myself, but for my friends coworkers. Like Brad. He can't shoot for shit. I got to teach him before that... or he's going to end up raider bait.

                      ~Stella

[stella-survives]

Day 998

I met someone at the hospital a few days back. It sounds really fucking dumb, even in my head, but I just have a weird feeling about this guy. Like a good weird. A crush? I guess? I'm not really sure. Dealing with this Anthony bull shit has been fucking with me on a mental level... but when I'm with Claws... that's his name by the way... It just fades away. I'm not thinking about Anthony. I can close my eyes and not see his zombie corpse. It's like it never happened. I went hunting and ended up running into him in the woods. We just sat and talked for a little. It was nice but got better when we ended up snuggling a little bit. I can't fucking explain it, but being in his arms... I just felt safer than usual. And it's not like I think he's some badass who can protect me... I just... I can't explain it. I really can't. I literally feel so guilty being with someone like this so soon after all that happened... but it's so nice. It's so nice to have someone. He thinks I'm pretty too... which is a fucking lie, but I'll take it. He's so handsome, his eyes.... hoooooly fuck. So pretty. He also played ith my hair, which is literally my favorite shit sooo...

I'm keeping him. The end.

                         ~Stella