Random, horrible pangs of that specific kind of sadness that makes you feel like there are tiny anchors hiding inside of your heart, weighing it down into your stomach and spreading the aches across your whole body.
Wanting to check in with somebody who you’d once considered one of your closest, most favourite people, and then getting hit by the reality that they’ve gone to all of their best, most practised efforts to cut you out of their life, without explaining why. Sitting at home by yourself wrapped in a blanket because Autumn has well and truly asserted itself in your tiny flat. Being so so so grateful for the shiny group of people that have kept you propped up over the last year, and the people that you’ve been able to prop up in turn.
Wondering, in the dark and quiet bits, if that thing this time last year was real, and how it was real, and how things have gotten so much horribly worse ever since, even when in the disguise of things getting better. There are some kinds of pain that ask to be squished into tiny containers before they spill out and soil all the other things. Trying not to open them. Knowing that, little by little, you have to, or else they’ll push against the plastic until it bursts. And then there’s no stopping them.
Hiding beneath cap and gown and blinking quickly enough to ignore the empty seats and absent faces. Almost, but not quite. Swiping another year, ticking the graduate boxes: job, check, flat, check. Looking for time, and place, and books. Always returning to that glowy human that reminds you that you try, and that trying is enough.
Talking in the third person because it makes you feel like these are not real things, or that they’re only as real as your capacity to write yourself out of whichever rabbit hole you find yourself at the bottom of.
But mostly just hoping that those people whose faces you don’t see any more are doing okay, because they were your friends, and you will always love them and wish them all the luck and happiness on the planet.
vaporwave
2087
izzy806
gummygunk
stormborns
romaincrisis
areudirty
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
