COMPLETE OVERWATCH COSPLAY GUIDE: PART II
I’m back with Part II of my Overwatch cosplay guide! The reviews of Part I are in, and I couldn’t be happier! The New York Review of Books is calling it “A selection of words that, when arranged in a particular sequence, adhere adequately to the conventions of written English, and can be sufficiently comprehended by any minimally proficient speaker of the language(1).” Humbled by such effusive praise, I have endeavored to outdo myself in Part II, in which I share my best tips for cosplaying Overwatch’s seven “Defense” heroes. Let’s jump right in!
Unless your dad was a gnome, you may have some difficulty replicating Torbjörn’s squat physique. But luckily, there’s more to Torbjörn than just his lumpy stature – he’s got that famous turret! If you can build a decent-looking turret, everyone will identify you right away as Overwatch’s sassy Swedish engineer. So I’d recommend that you focus on the turret. Obsess over the turret. Lose sleep over the turret. Devote yourself to the turret. Worship the turret. Begin erecting turrets in your backyard. Then, your neighbor’s backyard. Soon, an entire street will be lined with your glorious turrets.
These turrets are your legacy. They are your empire. Craft each turret with the gentle love of a father, yet also with the wild passion of a lover. Let the soot-black hand of immortal Hephaestus guide your hammer as you assemble turret after gleaming turret, hour after sweltering hour, week after sleepless week. Enslave yourself to the forge. Consecrate yourself to the flame. Anoint yourself with molten iron. In these turrets shall you render an eternal monument to your will.
Thousands of years in the future, when archaeologists from a distant galaxy unearth the remains of our long-dead civilization, your turrets will shape the very core of their anthropology. Generations of alien geniuses will contemplate your creation with awe and wonder as they struggle in vain to piece together the meaning of Humanity. Beyond this mortal universe, your name will echo infinitely across the hallowed halls of Heaven as the Angels sing your praises into the Void, out beyond the edge of time itself.
Junkrat is a bit rough around the edges, so you’ll want to work on that beat-up scrapper look. To start out, singe the tips of your hair with a cigarette lighter. (If you’re under 18, ask your parents for help with this step.) Sweep a chimney or two. Set off some Roman candles in a small, poorly ventilated room. Sear your entire body over an open flame. Turn on your oven and climb inside it. Roast yourself at 400 degrees for 55 minutes or until tender. Let cool. Garnish with parsley and bay leaves. Serve with rice pilaf and a dark Merlot. Cheers, mate!
Not many cosplayers are willing to take on the challenge of cosplaying Bastion(2). His outlandish hairstyle and unwieldy poleaxe can pose some real difficulties. But fear not! I’ve got you covered.
It’s pretty easy to recreate Bastion’s signature purple cape. Any purple sheet or curtain will do, though if you do shell out the extra cash for an actual cape, it can make a big difference. You can make the helmet out of cardboard without too much trouble, but be sure to factor in the extra time it will take to carve the runic inscription into the visor. It’s all in the details!
For the poleaxe, you can probably get away with some combination of styrofoam and glue. It might not look beautiful, but if you swing it around rapidly enough, no one will really be able to tell. Just be careful not to whack anyone!
The hair is probably the hardest part. If you can grow your hair out to waist length like Bastion, that’s ideal, but if you don’t have time to plan that far ahead, you’ll have to get creative. Whether it’s your real hair or a wig, it can take a really long time to do all those braids. But if you invest the effort, your cosplay will truly stand out. I’ve only cosplayed as Bastion a few times, but when I took the time to get the braids right, I got lots of compliments!
No. Not Hanzo. Anyone but Hanzo. Please, for the love of God, cosplay any other character, or none at all. Never Hanzo.
If you do insist on cosplaying Hanzo, you’re on your own. I’m not giving you any tips. This is your choice, and you have to live with the consequences of your actions. I hope you fail – for the good of us all. You are the reason Trump won the election. You are the reason God created mosquitos. May you step on a LEGO at a Nickelback concert(3).
Mei is one of the easiest characters to cosplay. Put on a fur coat and yoga pants, toss a sentient bowling ball in a backpack, throw on some hipster glasses and Uggs, and you’re done. Add some unique flavor to your cosplay by loudly reciting every single one of Mr. Freeze’s ice puns from Batman & Robin. Fun fact: the voice actor for Mei is actually Arnold Schwarzenegger(4)!
Oh, and if the bowling ball develops self-awareness and enslaves humanity, you can just switch to quoting The Terminator.
Widowmaker’s most salient feature is, of course, her purple skin. But don’t waste your money on expensive and dangerous dyes or paints! It’s much easier just to time travel to the ‘90s, break into a McDonald’s storage facility, and steal a Grimace suit. Grimace’s purple color and lithe physique are a great starting point for developing a truly stunning Widowmaker cosplay.
If you’re not stealthy enough to pull off a wacky time travel heist, well, I hate to break it to you, but you probably aren’t cut out to cosplay Widowmaker. Sorry, kid, but I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
Once you’ve acquired the Grimace suit and returned to the 21st century, you’ll need to customize the suit a bit to capture Widowmaker’s spider aesthetic. What I usually suggest for first-time cosplayers is to glue hundreds of live tarantulas to the exterior of the suit. That’ll turn some heads! Then, to approximate Widowmaker’s rifle, use any long, thin object such as a floor lamp or a fishing rod. Finally, enlist the aid of a beret-clad cartoon snail to teach you French, and you’ll be instantly recognizable as Overwatch’s sultry sniper!
Though you’ll often hear Overwatch players complaining about Carmen Sandiego’s unconventional gameplay and TOTALLY broken ultimate, she’s pretty popular to cosplay. Her unmistakable red hat and trenchcoat are easy to find at most department stores, and her plasma pistol looks an awful lot like a can opener (hint, hint). Just make sure you – sorry, hold on a sec. I’m getting a call.
Hello? Yes, this is he. The new one? Yeah, I’m working on – yeah. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Oh. Really? Are you sure? I thought – Uh-huh. Oh, I – OK. Huh. Well, I mean, I already wrote a whole paragraph on her, so – Yeah. I think so. I’ll check. Yeah, wow, you’re right. I could have sworn – no, yeah. Geez. Yeah, I’ll delete that part. For sure. Take it easy. Thanks. OK. Yeah. Buh-bye.
Sorry about that. So yeah, apparently Carmen Sandiego isn’t a character in Overwatch? God, I had no idea. I’m really sorry to have wasted your time like this. Man, this is really embarrassing. I don’t know what to say. Please forgive me.
(1) Pretend this footnote is a link to an actual article. Obviously I made it up. Just do me this one courtesy and let it slide this time.
(2) As always, I offer no evidence for this claim. It is, at best, baseless speculation.
(3) There’s no footnote. I just wanted to make you scroll all the way down here for no reason, you filthy weasel.
(4) This one is actually true(5).
(5) It isn’t.
