Ludicrous Inane Gibberish

I spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard and it started this blog

[milldawg]

[milldawg]

[milldawg]

[milldawg]

[milldawg]

[milldawg]

[milldawg]

[milldawg]

COMPLETE OVERWATCH COSPLAY GUIDE: PART II

I'm back with Part II of my Overwatch cosplay guide! The reviews of Part I are in, and I couldn't be happier! The New York Review of Books is calling it "A selection of words that, when arranged in a particular sequence, adhere adequately to the conventions of written English, and can be sufficiently comprehended by any minimally proficient speaker of the language(1)." Humbled by such effusive praise, I have endeavored to outdo myself in Part II, in which I share my best tips for cosplaying Overwatch's seven "Defense" heroes. Let's jump right in!

TORBJÖRN

Unless your dad was a gnome, you may have some difficulty replicating Torbjörn's squat physique. But luckily, there's more to Torbjörn than just his lumpy stature -- he's got that famous turret! If you can build a decent-looking turret, everyone will identify you right away as Overwatch's sassy Swedish engineer. So I'd recommend that you focus on the turret. Obsess over the turret. Lose sleep over the turret. Devote yourself to the turret. Worship the turret. Begin erecting turrets in your backyard. Then, your neighbor's backyard. Soon, an entire street will be lined with your glorious turrets.

These turrets are your legacy. They are your empire. Craft each turret with the gentle love of a father, yet also with the wild passion of a lover. Let the soot-black hand of immortal Hephaestus guide your hammer as you assemble turret after gleaming turret, hour after sweltering hour, week after sleepless week. Enslave yourself to the forge. Consecrate yourself to the flame. Anoint yourself with molten iron. In these turrets shall you render an eternal monument to your will.

Thousands of years in the future, when archaeologists from a distant galaxy unearth the remains of our long-dead civilization, your turrets will shape the very core of their anthropology. Generations of alien geniuses will contemplate your creation with awe and wonder as they struggle in vain to piece together the meaning of Humanity. Beyond this mortal universe, your name will echo infinitely across the hallowed halls of Heaven as the Angels sing your praises into the Void, out beyond the edge of time itself.

JUNKRAT

Junkrat is a bit rough around the edges, so you'll want to work on that beat-up scrapper look. To start out, singe the tips of your hair with a cigarette lighter. (If you're under 18, ask your parents for help with this step.) Sweep a chimney or two. Set off some Roman candles in a small, poorly ventilated room. Sear your entire body over an open flame. Turn on your oven and climb inside it. Roast yourself at 400 degrees for 55 minutes or until tender. Let cool. Garnish with parsley and bay leaves. Serve with rice pilaf and a dark Merlot. Cheers, mate!

BASTION

Not many cosplayers are willing to take on the challenge of cosplaying Bastion(2). His outlandish hairstyle and unwieldy poleaxe can pose some real difficulties. But fear not! I've got you covered.

It's pretty easy to recreate Bastion's signature purple cape. Any purple sheet or curtain will do, though if you do shell out the extra cash for an actual cape, it can make a big difference. You can make the helmet out of cardboard without too much trouble, but be sure to factor in the extra time it will take to carve the runic inscription into the visor. It's all in the details!

For the poleaxe, you can probably get away with some combination of styrofoam and glue. It might not look beautiful, but if you swing it around rapidly enough, no one will really be able to tell. Just be careful not to whack anyone!

The hair is probably the hardest part. If you can grow your hair out to waist length like Bastion, that's ideal, but if you don't have time to plan that far ahead, you'll have to get creative. Whether it's your real hair or a wig, it can take a really long time to do all those braids. But if you invest the effort, your cosplay will truly stand out. I've only cosplayed as Bastion a few times, but when I took the time to get the braids right, I got lots of compliments!

HANZO

No.  Not Hanzo. Anyone but Hanzo. Please, for the love of God, cosplay any other character, or none at all. Never Hanzo.

If you do insist on cosplaying Hanzo, you're on your own. I'm not giving you any tips. This is your choice, and you have to live with the consequences of your actions. I hope you fail -- for the good of us all. You are the reason Trump won the election. You are the reason God created mosquitos. May you step on a LEGO at a Nickelback concert(3).

MEI

Mei is one of the easiest characters to cosplay. Put on a fur coat and yoga pants, toss a sentient bowling ball in a backpack, throw on some hipster glasses and Uggs, and you're done. Add some unique flavor to your cosplay by loudly reciting every single one of Mr. Freeze's ice puns from Batman & Robin. Fun fact: the voice actor for Mei is actually Arnold Schwarzenegger(4)!

Oh, and if the bowling ball develops self-awareness and enslaves humanity, you can just switch to quoting The Terminator.

WIDOWMAKER

Widowmaker's most salient feature is, of course, her purple skin. But don't waste your money on expensive and dangerous dyes or paints! It's much easier just to time travel to the '90s, break into a McDonald's storage facility, and steal a Grimace suit. Grimace's purple color and lithe physique are a great starting point for developing a truly stunning Widowmaker cosplay.

If you're not stealthy enough to pull off a wacky time travel heist, well, I hate to break it to you, but you probably aren't cut out to cosplay Widowmaker. Sorry, kid, but I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Once you've acquired the Grimace suit and returned to the 21st century, you'll need to customize the suit a bit to capture Widowmaker's spider aesthetic. What I usually suggest for first-time cosplayers is to glue hundreds of live tarantulas to the exterior of the suit. That'll turn some heads! Then, to approximate Widowmaker's rifle, use any long, thin object such as a floor lamp or a fishing rod. Finally, enlist the aid of a beret-clad cartoon snail to teach you French, and you'll be instantly recognizable as Overwatch's sultry sniper!

CARMEN SANDIEGO

Though you'll often hear Overwatch players complaining about Carmen Sandiego's unconventional gameplay and TOTALLY broken ultimate, she's pretty popular to cosplay. Her unmistakable red hat and trenchcoat are easy to find at most department stores, and her plasma pistol looks an awful lot like a can opener (hint, hint). Just make sure you -- sorry, hold on a sec. I'm getting a call.

Hello? Yes, this is he. The new one? Yeah, I'm working on -- yeah. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Oh. Really? Are you sure? I thought -- Uh-huh. Oh, I -- OK. Huh. Well, I mean, I already wrote a whole paragraph on her, so -- Yeah. I think so. I'll check. Yeah, wow, you're right. I could have sworn -- no, yeah. Geez. Yeah, I'll delete that part. For sure. Take it easy. Thanks. OK. Yeah. Buh-bye.

Sorry about that. So yeah, apparently Carmen Sandiego isn't a character in Overwatch? God, I had no idea. I'm really sorry to have wasted your time like this. Man, this is really embarrassing. I don't know what to say. Please forgive me.

FOOTNOTES

(1) Pretend this footnote is a link to an actual article.  Obviously I made it up. Just do me this one courtesy and let it slide this time. (2) As always, I offer no evidence for this claim. It is, at best, baseless speculation. (3) There's no footnote. I just wanted to make you scroll all the way down here for no reason, you filthy weasel. (4) This one is actually true(5). (5) It isn't.

[milldawg]

COMPLETE OVERWATCH COSPLAY GUIDE: PART I

Overwatch has some pretty slick character design, so it's no surprise that fans of the game love to cosplay its colorful cast. But newer cosplayers often have trouble figuring out where to start. As an experienced Overwatch cosplayer myself(1), I often get asked a lot of the same questions: What materials do I need? Which tools are the best? Do I need to be a skilled artist? How much will this all cost?

Wonder no more, newbies! I've put together this comprehensive guide to answer all of these questions in one convenient location. If you love playing Overwatch and want to cosplay as one of its amazing characters, look no further! After reading this four-part guide, you'll be able to whip up a convincing and impressive cosplay for any one of Overwatch's 24 unique heroes -- without breaking the bank.

In Part I, I'll teach you how to cosplay Overwatch's seven "Offense" heroes.

SOLDIER: 76

Soldier is a fan favorite(2), and he's quite easy to cosplay. First, get some ski goggles and paint the lenses red. It's OK if you can't see out of them; we'll fix that later(3). Then get one of those surgeon's masks and paint it black. Next, get a jacket. Any jacket will do. Wear a goddamn poncho if you want. Go crazy.

Put on the jacket, then the mask, then the goggles. It's crucial that you put on the items in this exact order(4).

Finally, enlist in the United States Marine Corps and remain on active duty for 28 years. By the time you're done, you'll be a grizzled veteran, jaded and bitter, filled with disgust at the very world you sacrificed so much to protect -- just like "Dad" himself! (Be sure to keep the ski goggles and surgeon's mask on your face at all times during your entire tour of duty.)

REAPER

Reaper is a little more difficult than Soldier: 76. It's an unspoken rule within the Overwatch cosplay community that any good Reaper cosplayer must be able to teleport. If your Reaper cosplay doesn't violate the unwavering laws of physics that govern our natural universe, then you're a pathetic loser and your cosplay is trash. I guess you can do the mask and the hood or whatever, but no one's gonna pay attention to that garbage. It's all about the teleportation.

There are several commonly used techniques for mastering the art of teleportation. If you're on a tight budget, you'll probably want to forge a black compact with vile Satan, the Devil himself, forever consigning your eternal soul to writhe in unimaginable torment in an endless, maddening inferno. But the quicker option (which I personally prefer, even if it's a little more expensive) is to buy a Home Teleportation Kit ($29.95 at Radio Shack). It probably won't be as flashy as whatever dark, twisted design might spew forth from the undulating machinery of Beelzebub's incomprehensible Nightmare Engine, but the kit just takes a few minutes to set up and you're good to go.

Reaper's signature gravelly voice is also a key component to a good cosplay. It takes a little practice to replicate, but you can train your vocal cords by doing these three simple exercises every day:

1. Swallow an entire colony of deadly Australian Bull Ants (Myrmecia pyriformis). 2. Wire, glue, or staple your jaw shut. 3. Listen to the complete discography of KoRn six times, doubling the volume each time.

Nature will take care of the rest.

GENJI

A lot of would-be cosplayers assume that cosplaying Genji is difficult, since he's a cyborg with lots of mechanical parts, but it's actually quite easy. Just follow these three simple steps:

1. Go to Japan. 2. Be a robot man. 3. Remain in Japan forever.

SOMBRA

To really get into the character of Sombra, you need to become Sombra -- literally. By gradually introducing new behaviors and lifestyle adjustments into your daily routine, you will eventually become Sombra herself, eliminating the very need for cosplay in the first place.

First, you'll need to immerse yourself in the kind of environment that Sombra would call home. What I've done in the past, and what I'd recommend for first-time Sombra cosplayers, is to purchase eight hundred copies of William Gibson's Neuromancer and construct a fort out of them in your living room. Another common method I've seen cosplayers use is to sell their house and move into an abandoned electronics manufacturing plant. Yet a third option is to start a personal diary, but just write "i am t3h h4xx0rz" on every page until you are t3h h4xx0rz.

Once you've created a sufficiently cyberpunk environment for yourself, the next thing you'll need to do is to become Hispanic. I leave this step as an exercise to the reader.

Finally, you'll need to become invisible. Unfortunately, invisibility can't be taught; if you weren't born with the gift of invisibility (and you don't have access to an arcane reliquary(5)), you'll have to just pretend to be invisible by stripping down to your underwear and screaming "INVISIBLE INVISIBLE INVISIBLE" at anyone who comes near you until they stop looking at you. When no one is looking at you, you are functionally invisible, which for cosplay purposes is close enough (at least, if you subscribe to Berkeley's doctrine of subjective idealism(6)).

PHARAH

Everyone's favorite rocketeer, Pharah is one of the most popular characters to cosplay(7). Pharah cosplayers have experimented with lots of different materials and machining techniques in their quest to make that perfect flight suit, and some of their creations have been really innovative and impressive. But if you're just starting out, don't bother with the suit at all; just buy an actual rocket launcher. No one will notice that you aren't wearing a suit because you'll be detained by security well before you get anywhere near the convention center.

TRACER

You can put together a pretty good Tracer cosplay by mixing and matching parts from other costumes. If you've cosplayed as Reaper, you already know how to teleport, so the hardest part is already out of the way. (See the Reaper section above.) You can reuse the goggles and jacket from your Soldier: 76 cosplay as well. For the last few pieces of Tracer's outfit, you'll just need to repurpose the reactor heart thingy from an Iron Man cosplay, some orange pants from a cosplay of a carrot, and the DNA of an actual British woman. (Be sure to get permission before extracting someone's genetic material.)

If you don't have any of those things, then you can just sprint around the convention center floor shouting "I AM TRACER" in a halting, robotic monotone (just like Tracer does in the game). Stare straight ahead and do not make eye contact with anyone. From time to time, skid to a halt and dart furtive glances around the room like a startled squirrel. Look down at your trembling hands with an expression of increasing dismay, as if it's just beginning to dawn on you that you've murdered your own father. As soon as anyone approaches you or says anything to you, immediately resume sprinting and shouting.

MCCREE

Unfortunately, it's impossible to cosplay McCree. He's simply too manly for anyone who plays a nerdy video game like Overwatch to convincingly pull off. If you want a good McCree cosplay, your best bet is to hire Clint Eastwood to do it, as he is functionally indistinguishable from McCree. Mr. Eastwood's contact information can be found below:

Clint Eastwood Malpaso Productions 4000 Warner Blvd. Building 81 Suite 101 Burbank, CA 91522

That's all for Part I. Thanks for checking out my guide! Stay tuned for Part II, coming soon(8)!

FOOTNOTES

(1) This is a lie. (2) This is a lie. (3) This is also a lie. (4) This, too, is a lie. (5) This isn't a thing. (6) [dense, protracted commentary on 18th century metaphysics] [numerous scholarly citations] [irrelevant but adorable photo of a puppy licking a rabbit's head] (7) Yet another bald-faced lie. I suppose it could be true incidentally, but I'd still consider it a lie, seeing as how I'm intentionally attempting to mislead you.  (8) Probably, like, two months. So, not very soon. That's right, I lied again. You should have caught on by now.