[stfuamy]

friend: i'll pick you up at 5

clock: 5:01

me: wHeRE teh fuKc

[democraticsenator]

[thynapocalypse]

literally anyone: [overwatch things]

me: [nodding, pretending i understand. i do not.]

[stfuamy]

me: mom I need a new bottle of toothpaste

mom: finish the one you have sweetie

me: it's empty

mom: *squeezes the bottle and out comes extra toothpaste, Henry the VIII, michael jackson's corpse, the missing malaysian airplane, and 4 prisoner refugees*

[plasmalogical]

dr thot

[thatadult]

[chessys]

feel free to fall in love w me im just chilling

[hoespice-deactivated20180619]

“i expected better from you” well that was your fault lmao I got nothing to do with that

[jewlsies]

those little things on ur nose aren’t blackheads, don’t try and get rid of them they’re sebaceous filaments and they’re permanent and literally everyone has them

every girl has that little pouch of fat on her lower tummy, despite what magazines try n show u, you have important organs there that need to be protected don’t try and get rid of ur pouch

ur body is smarter than u think and it knows what to do when u eat more than normal. one bad day, or even week, of eating poorly isn’t gonna ruin anything at all I pinky promise

if u think u look good up until u try taking a selfie, it’s not ur fault - our faces are asymmetrical and when u see ur face flipped it will look unnatural to u, since u don’t see it that way when u look in the mirror. to everyone else it looks perfectly fine

no one’s stomach looks the same at 8pm as it does at 8am. no one has a chiseled six pack after a day of eating, not even the super fit people u see on tumblr, because ur stomach naturally expands after eating and expecting to have a flat tummy before bed is very unrealistic

no one notices if the bags under ur eyes are bad today. no one pays attention to the bump in ur nose or the zit on ur chin or the piece of hair that u missed when u were straightening. literally no one notices these things except you so stop worrying about it ur gonna be fine

sometimes u just gotta get over urself

[atlasri3ing]

this made me cry I needed it so bad

[ripcstiaalisonsselena-deactivat]

me going outside and trying to contribute to society after watching 20 conspiracy videos in a row:

[skellydun]

let me tell u as someone with no impulse control the ‘treat yo self’ episode of parks and rec is very dangerous 

[grammatically-incoherent]

[old-friends-senior-dog-sanctuary]

I just want to get dicked down again =/

[letkeithinfodump]

old friends senior dog sanctuary did you mean to post this here

[constructreese]

star wars spoilers

yoda is straight chillin

[fentybeautylipgloss-deactivated]

happy mother’s day to all the teachers i accidentally called mom that one time

[wattpadfic-deactivated20170213]

when yr so tired ur eyelids are like SHUT IT DOWN BOYS but ur brian is like OPEN THOSE GATES LADS n ur closing ur eyes then opening then closing then opening then closing then opening then closing

[thenosleepsquad-blog]

“ur brian”

[wattpadfic-deactivated20170213]

listen here mate i know what i said and i stick by it i cling to my mistakes like a real man

[c3po]

*exchanging wedding vows*

me: fullmetal alchemist my wife: *slightly differently from how I said it* fullmetal alchemist