† breathe me †

† be my friend, and hold me. wrap me up; unfold me. i am small, and needy. warm me up, and BREATHE me. †

[stfukass]

.

[maikwons]

stfukass:

kass knows that tristan wasn’t expecting a hug. after all, kasey had an aversion to touch for the longest time. in fact, he was still hyper sensitive to touch. but with tristan, he felt safe. maybe it was unfair that he’d attached himself to tristan. after all, the younger male was seemingly his replacement for austin—well, both he and raylee seemed to do that job together. he doesn’t mention how much he misses his former cell mate, because he doesn’t want to let on the fact that he misses that torturous place some days. “h-hey, tristan?? d-do you think kat’s gonna fix me—be-before I have t-to leave ??”

his question was a bit unexpected, he had to admit, but he didn’t know what to say. tristan pulls away from him, a curious expression on his face. “ er, kass, you know you don’t need to be, ” he uses air quotations, “ ‘fixed’ right? i mean, i don’t think you need to be ‘fixed’, per se, ” he says, looking up at the ceiling, scrambling for the right words. “ it’s impossible for anyone to be truly fixed, but i do think it’s possible to get help. ” at this point, he was just mumbling to himself, not even realizing the words tumbling from his mouth. 

[stfukass]

for once, kasey is the one who's demeanor turns a bit—grouchy. he isn't mad, but he hates that answer. “i get the picture, t-tristan.” he mumbles, eyes trained downward, with what seems like a failed attempt at a scowl on his face. “wh-why does everybody s-say that i d-don't need to be fixed? I can't even sp-peak properly. I'm n-not stupid, i g-get that i-I'm messed up. just—why w-won't anyone tell me no, inst-stead of that bullshit e-excuse.” he grumbles, although he seems to nuzzle closer to the younger boy. he understands what the male is saying, and it does make him a bit grumpy, but Kasey can deal. he can do it, right?

[musesgonnamuse]

T E R R I F I E D && L A S H I N G  O U T

[flvrians-blog]

‘ alright, long story short, i didn’t realize how difficult it’d be to carry around a baby and a tray of cupcakes, so – wanna help me hold ‘em? you can take your pick which one. ’

[stfukass]

“ I-I'll take the c-cupcakes !!”

[stfukass]

“b-but—don’t you think back to that bad place– an’-an’ everything just hurts and the memories just kinda wash o-over you and it’s like—you c-can’t stop it?” and then kass takes a step back, as a look of realization crosses his face. he can’t believe he just said that. he needs to stop pitying himself. “raylee'a a-a really g-great person… she's—she’s half the reason i l-like it here, y'know….”

[gage0k]

stfukass :

“ s-sorry—I’m not l-looking —”

“Okay– you can look now.”

[stfukass]

“ I-I um—c-can you just act l-like we're talking s-so kat doesn't come g-g-get me for therapy??”

[maikwons]

stfukass:

kass’s face mirror’s tristan’s nervous smile. he’s trying so hard not the be afraid anymore. but it’s so hard for him, so hard to stop thinking about everything. he can’t help the way his hands shake, or he reaches for the other boy. he sits up, scooting closer to tristan, and throwing his arms around him. he wants to make sure Tristan is okay before he does anything else. the boy was an angel on earth, someone who could bring him into happy times. he was so afraid of making the other male upset—he didn’t want that in the slightest. he places a gentle kiss against tristan’s nose, and whispers, “it’s okay. you’re okay. we’re okay.” he’s trying his best to make Tristan smile, because kass couldn’t imagine why tristan could even remotely deserve to frown. he was so kind—so sweet. Kasey didn’t want him to be upset in the slightest.

he’s pulled into a hug, and he’s obviously caught off guard. slowly, tristan wraps his arms around kass, a small, shaky sigh escaping his lips. he feels safe, and it’s something he relishes in. his parents love him, and they’re great, but never home. never.  he squeezes his eyes shut childishly as kass pecks his nose, before peeking out through his left one, a small laugh escaping his lips. “alright,” he breathes out quietly. “i’ll believe you. just this once.”

[stfukass]

kass knows that tristan wasn’t expecting a hug. after all, kasey had an aversion to touch for the longest time. in fact, he was still hyper sensitive to touch. but with tristan, he felt safe. maybe it was unfair that he’d attached himself to tristan. after all, the younger male was seemingly his replacement for austin—well, both he and raylee seemed to do that job together. he doesn’t mention how much he misses his former cell mate, because he doesn’t want to let on the fact that he misses that torturous place some days. “h-hey, tristan?? d-do you think kat’s gonna fix me—be-before I have t-to leave ??”

[maikwons]

.

[stfukass]

.

[drkittykat]

stfukass :

“ okay— that- that would be good, right ?? if i c-came every day– m-m-maybe we could fix th-th-the stuttering too…” kasey pulls his lower lip in, biting down to calm his ever present nervousness. “ you’re– you’re gonna f-fix me, right ??”

“Mhm we could work on a lot more if you started to come everyday– I think it’ll be good for you.” She said with a small nod. She frowned though at his last sentence and shook her head. “You don’t need to be fixed sweetheart, you just need to heal.”

[stfukass]

“o-oh g-g-good... i—um... has a-anything changed with m-my case? d-do you know if th-the police found anyone else? o-or—if they c-caught him?” he knows he shouldn't ask anymore, and knows that he shouldn't be holding out all this hope that austin will waltz through the front door of the safe house and they'll both be okay. “i-i don't think i-i'm ever g-gonna be fixed healed.”

[maikwons]

stfukass:

his own heart shatters in his chest at the utterance of the word love. kass yearns for affection, and always has. the younger male’s attention, the gentle caress of his hand through kasey’s hair—that was what had him weak. his eyes look past the other male in the room, back towards a similar scene. a scene where he stood, creating beads of crimson in his arm. he didn’t like that. in fact, he said the only person allowed to hurt kass was him. things like that were hard to forget, but he so wanted to. when he blinks back into reality, tristan is saying something he hardly understands. “I-I’m not p-perfect. you're—what do y-you mean I’m p-perfect? have you e-ever even l-looked in a mirror? you’re p-perfect.”

he laughs a bit, but it’s shaky and it’s obvious tristan is panicking still. he locks eyes with the older boy, and gives him a small smile. he just wants him to be okay, whatever the definition of okay might be. “ i guess we both need to do some looking in the mirror then, huh, ” he said quietly, although he hoped he was loud enough for kasey to hear. he could feel his blue eyes welling up with tears and he bit down on the inside of his cheek to try and stop them from falling. god, if he ever felt like a massive failure, it would be in this moment. “ i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have said what i said earlier, and not as crudely. i’m sorry. ” he runs his hand through his hair once more, and before he knows it, the first tear has fallen.

[stfukass]

kass’s face mirror’s tristan’s nervous smile. he's trying so hard not the be afraid anymore. but it's so hard for him, so hard to stop thinking about everything. he can't help the way his hands shake, or he reaches for the other boy. he sits up, scooting closer to tristan, and throwing his arms around him. he wants to make sure Tristan is okay before he does anything else. the boy was an angel on earth, someone who could bring him into happy times. he was so afraid of making the other male upset—he didn't want that in the slightest. he places a gentle kiss against tristan's nose, and whispers, “it's okay. you're okay. we're okay.” he's trying his best to make Tristan smile, because kass couldn't imagine why tristan could even remotely deserve to frown. he was so kind—so sweet. Kasey didn't want him to be upset in the slightest.

[maikwons]

stfukass:

kass knows that tristan didn’t want him to keep scratching at his wrist, he’s sure Tristan doesn’t want him to hurt himself anymore, but as a boy who has recently relapsed, he can’t help the way he needs to hurt himself in order to calm down. he needs to remind himself that it’s real, that he’s really sitting in the presence of this angel. at least, that’s what he’s thinking about when the other’s cold words cut through his thoughts. he wants to cry again, but he doesn’t think he will. he can feel the tears welling in his eyes, but he manages to keep them from falling down his face, digging jagged nails into his skin. “y-you’d m-m-make it f-farther than m-me, y'know… I never f-finished the fourth grade.“

his heart breaks when he sees kass, and his hands are shaking as he reaches out to him. “ kass, l-love, please, ” he mumbles, and he weakly touches his hand that’s digging into his own skin. “ don’t…don’t do this to yourself, ” tristan says. he wants to call a nurse, staff member, practically anyone better than him for this situation. “ i’m sorry, i didn’t mean what i said, ” he frantically whispered, trying to tug kass’ own hand away from himself, trying to stop what he had caused. “ you’re perfect; p-please… ”

[stfukass]

his own heart shatters in his chest at the utterance of the word love. kass yearns for affection, and always has. the younger male's attention, the gentle caress of his hand through kasey's hair—that was what had him weak. his eyes look past the other male in the room, back towards a similar scene. a scene where he stood, creating beads of crimson in his arm. he didn't like that. in fact, he said the only person allowed to hurt kass was him. things like that were hard to forget, but he so wanted to. when he blinks back into reality, tristan is saying something he hardly understands. “I-I'm not p-perfect. you're—what do y-you mean I'm p-perfect? have you e-ever even l-looked in a mirror? you're p-perfect.”

[stfukass]

kass knows that tristan didn't want him to keep scratching at his wrist, he's sure Tristan doesn't want him to hurt himself anymore, but as a boy who has recently relapsed, he can't help the way he needs to hurt himself in order to calm down. he needs to remind himself that it's real, that he's really sitting in the presence of this angel. at least, that's what he's thinking about when the other's cold words cut through his thoughts. he wants to cry again, but he doesn't think he will. he can feel the tears welling in his eyes, but he manages to keep them from falling down his face, digging jagged nails into his skin. “y-you'd m-m-make it f-farther than m-me, y'know... I never f-finished the fourth grade."

[maikwons]

stfukass:

once kass makes himself comfortable on the bed, he finds himself staring down at his arm, fingers tracing over old scars. he doesn’t like the way the other boy seems disillusioned with his own dreams. “i-it doesn’t have t-to be just a d-dream, tristan.” the boy starts, letting his fingernails scrape over both old and new markings on his wrist. he wants to say something, anything that will help, but he doesn’t know what to say. “what d-do you m-mean? you’re a-already g-great—why c-couldn’t you be an e-editor?”

his eyes flicker over to kass, and he feels a sharp pain at seeing the scars on his arm, but he doesn’t say anything. it wasn’t his place to ask, and he cringes at the sight of the boy as he drags his nails over his scars, and he gently places his hand on top of his, and shakes his head, a silent plea for him to stop. “ i’m not all too great, kass. you put too much faith in me, ” tristan says dryly, “ i can’t be an editor because… i can’t really read. well, i mean, i can. but… ” he doesn’t say anything for a moment before. “ i have a learning disability; you know, dyslexia? i can barely read my own works let alone someone else’s. ” 

[stfukass]

kasey would've ended the way his fingers scraped at scabs and scars, had he noticed the way tristan was looking at him. when he noticed the other boy's gaze, it was too late, because a gentle hand had been placed upon his wrist, and Tristan looks so disappointed. it makes kass want to crawl out of his skin, if he's being honest. he wants to feel warm, to feel safe, in a way he knew his blanket couldn't provide. he wanted to snuggle into someone's arms the way he used to when austin was hurt and he felt violated. with a shake of his head, kass disagrees. he won't keep his thoughts on this matter silent. not when it could be so detrimental to the other boy's esteem. “you are j-just as a-amazing as I t-tell you that you a-are. if you w-weren't, you wouldn't b-be here.—I s-still think you could do it. ”

[stfukass]

kass loves the feeling of a gentle hand combing through his light curls. it was such a comfort to him, when someone took the time to be gentle with him. he knows he’s high maintenance, but he just needs to be cared for. he listens intently as the other boy speaks, reaching for his hand. he guides the boys to the bed in his room mind reeling as he tries to take in everything about Tristan. “I-I don’t think you’re boring. I think you’re amazing. The N-New York Times s-should be honored to higher you.“

[maikwons]

he was a bit surprised that kass took his hand, but he didn’t say anything about it. whatever made him feel more comfortable. he sits down on the edge of his bed, and sighs a bit, giving a small laugh as he listens to the older boy’s words. “ thanks, kass. ” as he continues to speak, his smile fades a bit, before he shrugs. “ i mean, it’s a dream, right? ” his icy blue eyes glances towards the ceiling. “ just a dream. i can’t do it the way i am now, let alone in the future. ”

[stfukass]

once kass makes himself comfortable on the bed, he finds himself staring down at his arm, fingers tracing over old scars. he doesn't like the way the other boy seems disillusioned with his own dreams. “i-it doesn't have t-to be just a d-dream, tristan.” the boy starts, letting his fingernails scrape over both old and new markings on his wrist. he wants to say something, anything that will help, but he doesn't know what to say. “what d-do you m-mean? you're a-already g-great—why c-couldn't you be an e-editor?”

[stfukass]

kass loves the feeling of a gentle hand combing through his light curls. it was such a comfort to him, when someone took the time to be gentle with him. he knows he's high maintenance, but he just needs to be cared for. he listens intently as the other boy speaks, reaching for his hand. he guides the boys to the bed in his room mind reeling as he tries to take in everything about Tristan. “I-I don't think you're boring. I think you're amazing. The N-New York Times s-should be honored to higher you."

[gage0k]

“Don’t look at me– i’m like half naked right now !!”

[stfukass]

“ s-sorry—I'm not l-looking —”

[stfukass]

he's taking the deepest breaths that he can. for someone as fragile as kass, the staff at the safe house were all saints illuminating the hope in his dim, dark existence. he's a mess, a frightened little mess. but somehow Tristan managed to organize that mess into a manageable person, one who would, eventually, calm down. his voice is even more fragile, even more broken sounding than it had been before. “can—can I l-lay down—an'—an can you c-come sit with me? a-a-an’ can you talk about a-anything other th-than me...”