sthealth

[sthealth]

I finally had my hysto yesterday. My girlfriend has been helping me take care and recover. I’m feeling good to have this over with.

[sthealth]

A note from the abyss! Anyone still out there?

I am 6 years on T, 5 years post-op

I have been incredibly fortunate to feel very comfortable in my body. There are so many things I wish I’d learned earlier. These days I am very much a participant in my city’s queer circles, though I do not disclose I’m trans. I don’t need to. Outside these circles, I am straight and cis passing, and I benefit greatly from this privilege. For me this is still a very real medical condition, my position hasn’t shifted there. 

Here’s just a couple notes I’ve been considering.

1. You don’t have to have a low BFI and a six-pack to pass as cis. Not all cis men have bodies that fit this incredibly narrow beauty standard. I’ve learned instead to look towards people who are 1) outwardly happy with the body they live in, who express themselves through dance, photography, and other art forms 2) POC/latinx like me

2. Sleeping with men doesn’t make you any less of a man. Find partners who don’t treat you like an object, but instead celebrate you as a person just the same. 

3. Dating is really hard. Sleeping around is really easy. It’s so much easier for me to disclose to people I know I’ll only see for sex than to people I’ve built emotional relationships with. 6 years in I have yet to EVER reach a point where I “disclose” to someone I’m seeing romantically. I’ll crack the code one day.

4. Moving across the country was the best decision I have ever made and I am very fortunate to have been allowed to grow into myself without interference from those I knew “pre-transition”

5. You can literally never show someone a baby picture or childhood picture and they won’t think twice. 

6. No one will ever comment that your nipples look weird because that is insensitive. I’m pretty “nippy” all the time and if I wear a thin shirt it is noticeable.. but who the fuck cares.

7. Maybe at some point in my life I will live openly as trans but until then, no. 

8. I need to get hysto like as soon as I can bear it.

9. Next pic I will have more white bars to photoshop soooorry! 

[sthealth]

also relevant :)

[sthealth]

my once or twice a year update

I’m still around. I’m still living in brooklyn, finishing my degree. I have a year left now and I’ll probably go back west when I’m done. 

what realms of my life are relevant to this now? I am 21, I’ve been on T since I was 18, it’ll be 4 years come july. I had keyhole surgery the summer I was 19, so it’ll be 3 years in june. 

I don’t think much about being trans anymore. I don’t think I have since I hit the 1-year mark, or probably 6 months after top surgery I stopped thinking about it. 

My weight used to make me dysphoric, but I’m better at controlling it now. I’m active and I do weights at the gym when I can, I ride my bike everyday. More than anything though I’m conscious about what I eat and I only eat when I’m hungry, and only enough so I’m satisfied. I remember the first year of being on T I could eat anything, now I can’t finish regular portions when I eat out. 

I’ll honestly admit part of this is because last year, in the months of september thru december I was so incredibly anxious I couldn’t eat a normal meal, everything made me nauseous. Of course I’m past that, I went back to therapy but my appetite hasn’t fully come back. A lot of times I’ll go out with somebody and not be able to finish my food - it used to be embarrassing but I’m used to it now. 

Still no one knows I’m trans. I’ve dated a few girls here and there, I’ve always broken it off before I’d have to out myself. There’s one figure who’s been a kind of constant interest and I’d figured if we do end up making things not platonic, I’d be comfortable enough with her to tell her. But until then.

I think that’s all. Let me know in any way if anyone still reads this artifact. Is tumblr out of fashion now? Is it twitter, is that it now? Carry on

[sthealth]

im obsessed with myself rn

[sthealth]

I’m maybe just about to enter a real, serious relationship which means I might have to deal with coming out? Holy shit? What the fuck? Anyways - I’ll keep you updated. 

Of course first let’s see how artfully I can make things non-platonic…can’t decide which is harder: moving away from the “friends” stage or coming out

[sthealth]

I forgot

my 3 years on T, my 2 years post-top surgery is coming up too but I’ll probably forget that as well.

these things just don’t seem as monumental to me as they once did

[sthealth]

I’m home for a moment and then I am moving to san francisco (do I even know anyone who lives there anymore?)

today I rode my bike to my old community college and was introduced by an old professor to a guy who’s 2 weeks from 18 about to start T and I realized I haven’t talked about my transition to anyone in about a year

I guess maybe it affects dating but even then I don’t know. It just doesn’t come up anymore

[sthealth]

yearly update

it feels like I update this less and less. I don’t know if anyone noticed (or if anyone still reads this) but recently I got paranoid so I deleted my theme so my blog couldn’t be accessed from its url. It’s restored now obviously and I thought I would give little insight on what/how/where I’ve been etc

I feel less consumed, in some sense, by my transition, I’ve been on T for almost 3 years and have been post top surgery for almost 2…I still am pursuing bottom surgery once I graduate and would like to keep this blog at least semi alive so I can catalog that once it happens. 

Dysphoria is still unfortunately actively involved in my life. I go to the gym, ride my bike, I’m more muscular, have facial hair, haven’t been called female in years, yet I can’t get away from it. I can say at least it isn’t as bad but sometimes I still really don’t want to leave my room and go outside. My goal is to just keep maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

My mental health I can feel slipping up, but it’s not trans related anymore. Each semester I debate whether or not I can carry on with the way I am living but I’m here now, so. I want to eventually see someone or medicate but haven’t been able to.

For now that’s it. If I have more to write I will later. Til next time

[ftmmagazine]

I’m not happy with my transition, but I’m glad I transitioned | FTM Magazine

[invictusbro-deactivated20230828]

”I have not come to terms with the childhood I lost while being perceived female. I have not accepted that I’m trans, that my story matters at all. I don’t feel like there is a place for me in the trans community because I pass. And the biggest issue is that I haven’t forgiven myself for being born female. Forgiveness, acceptance, and peace seem forever out of reach because of this anger I’m holding. I don’t know how to look at my body and look at my life and see the positive. If I knew how, what would that even look like? There is no end to transitioning and change is inevitable I just hope I can navigate this new self discovery with kindness. And I hope that you do as well.”

I’m glad to see things being written by post-transition men gaining traction recently, warts and all.

[sthealth]

tmi

I've been getting some blood downstairs so I need to get my levels checked out. I'm over two years on T and this is happening, jesus christ. I'm so fucking dysphoric.

[sthealth]

paintedparade replied to your photoset: 12 days vs 1 year post op a lot has changed...

u got a bike

I am on my second actually! got a 70′s road bike last year because I lived in manhattan, sold it and now I have a real nice one because I’m in BK now

[sthealth]

12 days vs 1 year post op

a lot has changed obviously

[sthealth]

1 year and 10 months

I forget every t-versary I’m sorry

I swear I’m alive

[sthealth]

past 7 months post op

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need bottom surgery. Of course it won’t be for a few years because I want to finish my degree first, and I want to save up. Whoever said bottom dysphoria gets worse post top surgery was so so right

[sthealth]

Checking urself into the ER bc u lost feeling in ur right hand

[sthealth]

paintedparade alexenlinea thanks for the tips. I’ve been told to look into a single speed bike since I won’t be doing any crazy climbing (nyc is pretty flat). I'm mainly looking on Craigslist for bikes but it's a slightly difficult to find frames that fit me. I'm gonna go to a used bike shop in my neighborhood this weekend and we'll see what I can find.