(SATELLIGHT)

Over it.

[burn-your-masks]

[fawnaura]

“To disappear, today’s as good a time as any. To surrender at last to the vast current—”

— Franz Wright, from God’s Silence; “Prescience”

[stiffy97]

I stopped seeing my therapist because therapy wasn’t helping

I stopped seeing my friends because I stopped reaching out

I stopped reaching out because I’m a flake

And I’m busy

And I’m stressed constantly

And its hard to make plans when your many illnesses attack at random

Often robbing me of my days off

I’d rather stay at home where nothing bad will happen

Where I don’t have to talk if I choose not to

No awkwardness, trying to force relationships

Or hold onto conversations before I lose track of what was said

The comfort of being by myself is addicting

And scary

I never wanted to be that person

But maybe being distant is what I need

Because I have way too many problems

And people often find their way out of my life

Saying they love me

But only from their distance

Because I am too much

And say too little

Scared to let anyone else in

Soon as I open up

Show what kind of life I live

They’re gone

And thats life

[stiffy97]

AK on my nightstand

Right next to that bible

Seiko on my right hand

Got arms for a fight tho

Drippin til I drop in

Balanced on a tight rope

Never fallin off

Keep that grip tight like my flow

Sever ties as I sip my wine

Never been shit

Never had shit

God dammit

I’m not fine

I’m fucking china like big big time

Satisfied, satellight, summertime sunshine

Dark nights bring a vibe cold as a true crime

Keep it half evil, half absolutely vile

Dancing with devils actually live

Can’t trust no one, even ya best guy

Bite ya head off and smile so wide

Can’t hold back when life’s so wild

I know I ain’t tryna be here

I get hurt and then heal

No way out til pigs fly

I’m certain that thats forreal

Aging slow, I can’t find slack

Thats when I sit back and let it peel

Pour more up into my glass

Swimming pools to get me past these foes

Running from what hits my gas

These days come and go too fast before

Creeping, crawling through my grasp

Lose that balance in a flash

Falling forward and I’m back

Bashed my head all on the dash

Bloody mess I clean up, dash

New car, new life, lease attached

Torn apart and rebuilt to last

Swore I started, then departed

Can’t kill me cuz I’m retarded

Broke my brain but the body’s barkin

Novocaine emotion market

Numb to pain that makes me a target

To the lames that kill my conscience

Step away upon my carpet

Where I lay, I cannot stop it

This is the day I kill my problems

Use that AK and quickly solve em

Bddddddddd

Bow bow bow

Blaka blaka

Hey guess what

I’m a whole ass brick

And if ya think ya gettin in

Then it really won’t stick

Really gotta talk

Instead of picking up sticks

Following, not at all

And that might make me RIP

Whole ass brick

God damn, shit won’t miss

Everytime I’m ahead

Everything flips

[sophalofabread-blog]

[houseofwolvesv2]

[stiffy97]

Sometimes a straw is the only thing holding me together

Other times its a peice of paper I keep folding forever

Could probably fidget spin til I’m tippy toed, tethered

Traversing this earth and planes beyond measure

In and out, with and without, ridiculous amounts of doubt

Counting down to shouts held inside this massive mouth

Cast stones about, around the clouds and on the ground

Satisfaction found to pound my darkness deep below towns

The ghosts that host the past playing post-near-to-now

Coast is clear for I found a sound that’ll take me out

Take me baked or sober

[stiffy97]

I truly hate holidays

Always wish I was somewhere else

Can’t say where to lay

So I stay outside of the sheep shelf

Put up with so much

I just want to communicate, meld

Feel the human touch

But we’re here getting further away

Don’t care to share myself

Its too much to bet or let on today

I step on these grapes

Fill up my cup with a pinot base

See those graves laid

Can’t say too much, might be too much

Dear god its just too much

Everytime I spray, leave someone stray

If they understand my crutch

So they leave me to my own way, better day

Better say back up if you want me to go away

[stiffy97]

Never thought I’d completely lose my mind

But I did it last night and it feels alright

Whether I hold on tight or lose the whole fight

Just let it go and we might get my glow right

[letheane-deactivated20200121]

I don’t care about which ‘hill’ I die on as I only die on mountains, particularly High Hrothgar, thank you. I’d rather own up to my principles than to pretend to be agreeable and to stew in resentment. I’ve held so much in for so long and I can’t do that anymore. 

[stiffy97]

They were all alcoholics with good hearts

We stirred the pot, called upon lawn darts

Throw it up, not knowin how it would go down

Might be on my head, straight in the crown

Swear we got raped without a sound

Passed from generations without hesitation

Shouldn’t have had kids, we bigger babies now

Thinking maybe situations trigger us

But its trauma never communicated

My reservations make a sicker lust

The gratification of a simple safe haven

Always tryin to forget with a big ol bust

Wraps loaded with some of that sticky stuff

In the basement with the must, angel dust

Almost flew high and grew five more eyes

But I saw too much

Tryin to shift gears and I don’t have a clutch

Reality is too much

Everything makes me want to throw up

Brick on the pedal while breaking my cuffs

Cut off my hands so I can shake the cage that was made when I was young

Never asked to hold onto this stuff

Fracture my back so my spine becomes numb

Remember back when we could slack on a saturday

Watch cartoons, eat cereal, screamin oralé

Only because george lopez spoke that way

Middle class, house poor, facts I display

Could’ve been worse, par for the course played

Parents were too fucked up to speak love

Or stay together, so we go different ways

All I want is to communicate

All I want is to communicate

Silence sprays a disdain upon wires filled with violence

Its all disarray

I missed the ways shit changed, always in my tiredness

Sleeping all day

Its fine I guess to feel this way, normal’s the new fucked up anyway

Any BAE could get it when I quit smokin the potent

This is no joke, was so coked up I couldn’t see through the snow

Drink a fish underwater til I’m broke

Soaked in sweat everytime I get woke

Always feeling soso, missing goes the mojo

Sippin on soco, slippin in an old hoe when I get low

Feelin like a hobo when I distance me from the oh no’s

Can’t fly with the eagles, so I seperate from the flock

All alone in a space ship like I’m spock

Many men wish death upon my chops

Cut you off real quick when I take stock

[stiffy97]

I wish I didn’t care so much

My lids seem to never shut

That reality becomes a bunch

Of busts, light beams and big butts

Goin down on a high note, no slugs

No rugs, hard-surface comin from

Large licks so I can get my partridge

Eject cartidge, blow on it and restart

Almost lost a live one, we out findin em

Unwindin when the time comes

Find out why the fuck we’re buyin up

Walmarts and targets while my bro eyein a gun

Thankful that the cost is too much for his soul

I’m mad as fuck we gotta get this low

Makes me wanna care less and die slow

Eyes low, livid, living not for me, and I know

I know it hurts, a curse to keep walking this earth

But we keep it movin, power over thought first

Now is all we doin, glued together, can’t disperse

Can’t off yourself, that’s a fucking self-serve

Yeah I feel dead, but I don’t wanna die

Just lay up a bed and get real high key

No hyphy, get the light and come with me

Surviving every which way the tide brings

I’ll sight-see til my eyes bleed sunshine

Reap the right things left from my family

Sometimes

The wrong is all I see

Bring a pall to the gathering

Black sheep, sighs at the speed of lightening

Frighten the type that bring judgement

Bullshit: above it

Ain’t that something

No, I love it

The lack of substance

Emptiness with abundance

Among the pulpit

No dysfunction

Put the congregation under discussion

[stiffy97]

I spend a lot of time suppressing thoughts I’ve been having

Its been on the line as to whether the weather is ever happy

Crack jokes, they’re laughing, but I’m gasping for oxygen flow

Nappy roots sewn to an undertow dragging me to the ground below

Pound for pound I take the blows

Sounds are loud, my eyes explode

Everytime I’m outside its cold

Frostbite on an old southern soul

Leads me to roll a pack to glow

Delete

[stiffy97]

These are my grandparents

One was an insomniac, the other schizophrenic

One died of a heart attack midlife

The other lived alone and did life

Prisoner of the mind, living like

Everyday over and over in bytes

It cascades for generations

[stiffy97]

My attention is distracted, the deficit is at max

Missing men that hugged back

Then hung their hat

Never coming back, never coming back

Y’all keep tellin me that he’s in a casket

Its the end, but I won’t have it

My attention is distracted

I run for a setting sun, getting none better

This cold deserves a thicker sweater

Its always no clothes in the bad weather

Wish you’d have hit me up before heaven

Now you watch it all from the benches

Bet you’d have made it if you just attempted

I’m tempted to accept it

But pain stays my best friend

Relay a J til I’m calm collected

Talk to the dead about where my friend at

They say he roams by every loud pack

So I smoke a zone til I’m kaleidescope

Cough on every drag, hoping for a come back

Coping in ways that don’t help life get on track

Put my life on these tracks, look inside

Heart’s black, soul’s cracked, brain smacked

Calm collapse from a rocky ride

Don’t want no stress, but it resides

So much kept in a wandering mind

Makes you wonder how he survives

Dude barely even looks alive

All the baggage shows in his eyes

Like its almost his time

Maybe tomorrow or another day in the life

Borrowing rays of sunlight from the sky

Pass it around til everyone’s high

You could move mountains

But in the end you wanted to fly

Gotta let go if you’re down to ride

My attention is distracted, the deficit is at max

Missing men that subtracted

Much mess from my mind

Comin around at the perfect time

Never coming back, never coming back

Months later, still see your face like its catered

Holes taper, soul lookin like a concaved crater

Eyes darth vader lightsaber

Life of a baker takin intoxicators

To get by, see ya later

French exit when its time

I never leave your mind

Tend to give you signs

Send shivers down your spine

Like the planets align

Gotta stay alive, holla at a dime

Swallow pride long enough

To come out the other side

Silent, in a vibe on a bluff

Clothes on, out the side door

No snow for a pick-me up

Might snore if I sit on my sippy cup

Keep it movin, no foolin, mofos shootin

Lootin if you’re slippin on some new sssh

This ruthless world makes things confusing

But two cents don’t do shit without ear usage

And I fear this might do us all in

[stiffy97]

😔

[stiffy97]

Apparently, all I care about is the tang

Sweet tooth decays, going out with a bang

Homies and girls all say that its not a phase,

Probably a problem and it might make me hang

But the real ones hit me up for a wave change

Never in the same place, always at same pace

So I’m not far away, just come take a chace

So used to being loner gettin stone-faced

I skip home-to-home til I get to third base

Must be something in the water I swallow

Taste is hollow, but it compliments my model

Coke bottle complexion sorrow I reflect in

Followed by the bone marrow genetics

Sustained by a kilo of avocados since I first bit

The first hit cursed this word smith to burst lips

Hers ain’t his and still the birds talk wth hollowtips