@stigmata-m - Tumblr Blog

seeing one of my fave bands tomorrow with my bestest friend n all i'm thinking is why not have a massive piss up on the day?? Like why not sack off being sober n just go full throttle crazy again. Cause its either that or i keep with these thoughts n throw meself. Idek man, i'm tired of living, tired of my situations just constantly never getting any better. And constantly being fucking fobbed off. Seems as though i'm actively waiting for the 27 club to grow some fucking bollocks n do it

Wake up, i break my fan. My phone goes glitchy, my ipad or my headphones won't charge. Then I get a call to say I didn't get the job I interviewed for. THEN I'm apparently not mentally ill enough for actual help, I just need to "talk about my stress" through cbt LOL. Anything else life wants to throw at me rn PLEASE GO AHEAD. FUCKING DO IT BC I CAN APPARENTLY TAKE IT

i was immensely triggered today.. job interview that i'm so unsure of how it went that its just sent me into a nervous breakdown, then my brother deciding to talk about secondary school n just eurgh. making me want to drink to fucking forget all that. being bullied for being "fat" just the constant looks and ridicule, constantly being put down as insecure instead of this complete anxious suicidal mess that i was lol. just seeing pictures alone made me wanna vom, i wish i could just be normal and look back on those days as not that bad yk? but so much happened that it just repulses me to even be brought back into that headspace. went to asda this evening too, made to walk down the beer aisle n it was taunting me. not like all the beer, cider and jack daniels in my parents house isn't tempting enough. i want to cry, i really do so i know that i can feel something rn but its just seeming impossible. I don't know what to do. I'm upset i really am, i feel like i can't talk to anyone about it n it fucking sucks. i think that more than anything i'm so lonely. I never expected to still be this much or even more so of a mess at this age than i was 10 years ago at the very least. Keep everything bottled up until it implodes i guess

had a mental health appointment today that i didn't even remember i had. think she's even unsure of what to make of me lmao.. which is valid. my mum seems to think i have survivors guilt from my nan passing which explains a lot. Just unsure at this point, i think i just want to be able to think like a normal person and be able to do things without struggle

still struggling lol. also seem to like men again, although they all seem to be at least 45 or over..... i'm coming up to a year and a half sober, still have zero idea wtf is going on and i'm in more pain now than i have been in ages. Nothing feels real and i barely sleep now, atp i just don't know what to do. How did i fuck up so immensely?? Why do i struggle so much with everything? Why am i genuinely the biggest, unluckiest failure to walk this stupid earth??? Going through life depressed, barely slept and ready for a dilf to somehow fix my problems

i curse myself everyday for having substance issues in the past. cause what do you mean if i was mentally stable i could have my own place and probably be happy??? why did i have to wait so long to get a fucking grip, and why am i still suffering. they say make positive changes and you'll be so much better!! i don't feel it, my health is just on a constant decline n all in all nothing even feels worth it anymore. i feel like i've just wasted my life and become the biggest disappointment ever.

i should be happier but i'm not. I'm ultimately still stuck you know.. nothing feels right and i know i'm still going to be stuck for at least another year or two minimum. just trying to be realistic. ultimately i still hate myself, and now i have the added pressure of actually needing to sort my life out. job markets awful so can't even get anything part-time, i need to book in my exams so i can actually get it done quicker but also don't want to just get a pass lol. motivation just ain't there n i'm losing the will to live lol

officially done with the job! Its time to go full steam ahead n do things right this time. it feels like all the weight has been lifted, like I'm actually figuring it out idk

lol so fun fact is i'm getting put back on antidepressants (the same ones that made me sleep 18 hours a day for like 2 weeks) which is sooo much fun. i have a plan as to why and how i should leave my job, think my brother is over me complaining, my mum thinks if i stick to my plan no harm done but its a case of sitting down with my dad and seeing what he says... i'm so unsure how he'd react and honestly fucking terrified to even say anything. like i cannot live like this but wtf else can i do you know??

I need to run away. I don't know where, my savings are non existent but i need to move. I feel the last of my spirit is just going no matter how fucking hard i try to push past hoping for it to get better. I just don't know how or what to do with myself

they had to reschedule the interview not followed up since with any dates or times lol so i assume its a no. i'm going absolutely insane and no one seems to get it at all. might end up being sacked from current job too which is great tbh. not great for track record but its an out will probs haunt me for the everliving future lol. i just want to run away. escape everything for a week or two maybe longer idk. i'm tired but i'm awake and i'm sick but also never been in better health. i want to drink badly, its been calling to me now for months and at this point it's insatiable snd i'm so close to breaking point

at this point who is actually stopping me from going out and getting blind-o?? Me, its just me. Because in the grand scheme of things no one cares and right now i really couldn't care anymore. I could do a lot of things and no one would give a shit you know. And i think thats great. Works for me that i could run away and not have anyone think twice except a stupid fucking banking help job that i can't even stand. This same job thats literally crippled my entire spirit and health. Genuinely think it'll haunt me for the small amount of life i feel like i have left lol

i'm on the verge idk how no one can fucking see it, i feel like the biggest loser ever. Which i know i am. I fail at pretty much anything i can't go on kike this lol

don't even want a drink, need a drink. i need to feel something but aaaaaaaaaaaa sobriety man. could just quit my job and feel relatively normal but then get constant shit from the fam or i could end up drinking myself into hospital with the way things are going lololol. obviously not funny but i cannot deal with all this shit anymore

it somehow feels my positive manifestations are slowly but surely coming into fruition. My headset for work broke monday, still not arrived with a new one yet. In that time managed to sort things out in the house... found £2.22 fixing the sofa. An apprenticeship that in a sector i've been wanting to go into has come up and they want to meet with me next week!!! Slowly but surely i'm praying it's going to all work out as needed :)

it really does feel as though nothing will work out for me, i try to be positive but i'm just in a pit of isolation. i hate this job so much, like detest it. associating home with work and having a stupid computer looming in my space when i'm trying to relax it actually drives me mental. i have no joy anymore and seem to just be becoming even more bitter by the day. i don't want to interact with anyone, i've not seen any of my friends in months and i don't want them to see me like this. i saw some of them back in November and i could barely function and i reckon i ruined the whole vibe. i don't even have the fucking energy to cry my soul belongs to capitalism now clearly lol. God fucking help me

trying to keep it positive as i secured tssf tickets today, but i'm not feeling anything but sadness. the urges are getting so bad again n everyone in this house thinks i've got a problem with them but the problem is me. everytime the urges come and they get worse my entire self-esteem just dissipates. i do think things would be easier if i went yk but i'm too much of a pussy for that so the idea plagues and i have to live with that. i don't get why nothing works out for me, why my entire existence comes down to this. i'm so fucking depressed but i can't say a thing about it bc "it could be worse". idk how it could be for me lol

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