To Overflow

I'm 18. Christian, or still searching to be.

[still-i-wonder]

Prone to wander

LORD I feel it and have been ignoring it. Slowly I am seeing my flaws and feeling my guilt. When will I turn fully back to you

[still-i-wonder]

trajectory.

God, I am defeated by something as petty as inevitability. I’m trying to look ahead. I’m trying to see where this will take me. I’m trying to see the trajectory of all these things. But I’m blinded by this pitiful pain and pining for a person who can’t seem to do anything but watch me bleed and say he’s sorry for it. 

God, how is it that I am this weak. How is it that the tears never seem to stop flowing from the heart that thought it’d already been through it all. How is it that despite everything, I am still here, waiting. Hoping to be shown that I am loved in return. 

Because right now there’s nothing but the hurt. If only I could beg You for the trajectory; if only I could beg for it to be brought closer. 

[still-i-wonder]

What are you trying to teach me...

[still-i-wonder]

Daily Reminder:

GOD IS WORTH IT. "Take this life, take Your life!"

[still-i-wonder]

June 26, 2015

LORD I am abundantly blessed to have this life. May I truly understand the love you have for me as well as the heart you have for all. Thank you thank you and AGH you are so good. 

[still-i-wonder]

CONFLICTED

I've been falling SO HARD. Into my loneliness, my sin, my laziness, my apathy. I feel disgusting and I feel dirty but it's as if it's all only in my head??! NO, these sins are REAL and I'm not repenting or putting up a fight. I will now. But now it's also so much harder. God, what is your plan for me. I don't think I believe in coincidences. There is a reason for everything, knowing there is this greater plan. Is serving with this welcoming team meant to test me? That seems the most appropriate considering he's also given me the tools to pass the test. But the unlikely pair-up going on... And it's all just a slight bit awkward. But kevs seems fine. Which is great, really, just my selfish desires again, wanting to be wanted, not realizing the love in which I already always have in Christ

[worshipgifs]

Matt Chandler’s Gospel Presentation - Like You have Never Seen It!

[still-i-wonder]

Loving someone godly

Wouldn't that mean loving someone who is also broken? Broken for God, not too out there, right? Even sounds ideal, but thinking about it... Isn't it just a little weird? Broken before God, then turning around and being the strong man he would be called to be... Cool

[sheisaloverofchrist-blog]

Be gentle in words and actions. Let your beauty come from a gentle and quiet spirit (I Pet. 3:4).

Determine to be strong. As a woman, you’ll face many situations where you’ll need to be steady and of a sound mind. Strength and honor are her clothing (Prov. 31:25).

Live purely. There’s...

[pg7inc]

[still-i-wonder]

Motives...

For going to church. These days, it seems like the only reason I'm fine with going to 동신 is because I get to see a cute face, and somehow it's enough to make me want to stay. I now have the opportunity to be fluid. I can go to GLMC now, a church whose sermons were clearly more mature, and a church I've wanted to attend since I left it, and here I am about to turn it down for said cute face. God is not the center of my life and if only I felt the despair I know u should be in. It could also be me avoiding an old cute face. Facing something of a fear versus a cute face? I don't know.

[still-i-wonder]

RETREAT

To totally just get away from the usual distractions of day to say living in the world, and I felt it. Retreat with DSPC was actually so much fun. I'm not so sure about really learning in retrospect, but praising and worshipping Him was unreal, and what more can I really have asked for?! I cried during prayers, I remember Alex telling me to just come to the flame of the Holy Spirit, that He would melt my heart as I came back to Him. I remember dancing among a crowd of people I loved and who were so broken in His presence. I couldn't get enough. I'm so excited. I'm hoping it'll last.

[sonofhisloveee-deactivated20150]

I am sorry that we’ve made Christianity all about being blessed and having a better day, and not about becoming more like Him.

[still-i-wonder]

What I'm Wanting

...is not what I should be wanting. 

Best piece of evidence: guys. All I want is to be special to one, and treated as such. I want hugs and kisses and complements and unspoken degrees of love and it's lame and stupid but for some reason I really think it would make me happier. 

[still-i-wonder]

Life Right Now...

is a blur. It's going by too fast, and I wish it wasn't. I really wish it wasn't. This might end up being a lot longer than I intend, but here goes. 

First of all, God is not my first -- other things are taking importance in my heart, and one of them is what comes

Second -- guys. Guys, guys, guys, and the fact that I do not have one, and the fact that my old one does not miss me. I know this is being a bit of a creep on my part, but I check his blog sometimes, and he likes someone new now. Of this I am 99.999% sure, but for some idiotic reason that .001% is keeping me from moving on. I thought I'd moved on, in all honesty; a few days I was doing great, but now I'm just here alone and I feel alone and I'm really sad. Sad in the emotional definition and sad in the pathetic way, too. It frustrates me because how is it fair that he's all fine and dandy while I'm here some late nights scrolling through posts and searching for some hint that he might miss me even a little? I'm not part of his life now, and what kind of frustrates me even more is 

Third, my friends. Or should I say my "friends." Yes we're friends but I feel like the friendships are loosely connected to me and more strongly connected to each other. I'm always the one that's just there, I never really talk, I'm the last one to be invited to anything; I am just there, and nothing about me can play it off either. So I have no one outside of my family who I know for sure cares for me, and I seriously feel really alone. 

Fourth, college apps. A few weeks ago I was crying because no way would these schools accept me. It's still true, but I'm not crying about that. I have too many apps and essays to complete and so little time that it's become about finishing them asap more than finishing them well, and I'm so caught up in finishing at all that there's no room to think about how the essay I write will actually get me in. I foresee a lot of rejection letters... God, help me. 

Fifth, I've become so dgaf. No friends and no time -- what is there to care about? My future? As far as my subconscious is concerned, I don't have one. 

This concludes my life as of right now. 

[still-i-wonder]

It is so clear -- that God's hand is upon you.

Posh

[still-i-wonder]

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.