im tired

paula // 18 // colombia

[stinkgod]

im back to say that i like the new arcade fire album which is a relief after the mess that was everything now

[stinkgod]

so i have a girlfriend now and it’s good but she keeps saying i’ll get tired of her eventually because she doesnt have initiative to do anything and i try to think it is not true but what if she is right

like today we were going out so i asked her where we were gonna meet and she had forgotten about it and then told me she couldnt go out today and it just pissed me off so much???? why do i have all of these emotions it’s awful i felt like shit

[stinkgod]

i dont know why i feel the need to post everything here but here it goes:

-im dating the girl from work and its v weird and i have a small feeling that its not gonna work out mainly because of the fact im not out to my parents and she kinda is but kinda isnt 

-this girl also studies and has a full time job so we can literally only see each other on saturdays at work and sundays in the afternoon, i like her but once again i dont think it is going to work

-dude i was having sex with stopped talking to me until last week where he started teasing me a lot at work and im scared he’s gonna ask me out again and i will not be able to say no cause i, shamefully, really like dick

[stinkgod]

i think im over my ex? im not angry at him anymore? also im hitting on a girl from work not caring about things as my parents? and if something were to happen with this girl i would actually consider telling my parents? which is dumb to say and too early for me to even think about but it feels kinda nice. it’s good. also this girl doesnt like me at all but everyday i go into work just thinking about talking to her and hear her sarcastic comments towards me because when she’s “insulting” me she then laughs and her laugh is so nice. i cant believe im writing a paragraph about this girl im so dumb and the girl is so sarcastic with me as if she’s daring me to desire her. i cant believe i feel so many things towards this girl this is going to destroy me

[stinkgod]

i have too many things on my mind i cant handle it i might explode

[stinkgod]

i took mdma and had An Experience also i made out with everyone i was with and it was so nice

[stinkgod]

update: i hate social media and how easy it was for me to find out my ex has a new girlfriend so i have decided to delete facebook and twitter and im still mad at myself for crying about this while he moved on with his life and found another girlfriend who is a lot cooler than me

[stinkgod]

every time i think im over my ex he does something on social media and i tear up or just straight up cry!! i feel sick i cant believe he moved on and im still a fucking mess :-(

[stinkgod]

im going to my first pride march tomorrow and im excited but also nervous bc im still a closeted bi in front of my family but also bc im not going with my Queer Squad aka my best friends but with people from work which are v cool but still IM NERVOUS ABOUT IT ALL

[stinkgod]

ALSO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS WERE TODAY AND GUESS WHAT? MY COUNTRY IS FUCKED UP!!! AGAIN!!!! PEOPLE WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT CORRUPTION AND SHIT BUT WONT DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT AND WILL KEEP ELECTING THE SAME PIECES OF SHIT AS ALWAYS

[stinkgod]

ok today were Actual presidential elections and honestly im done with this country and the people who voted for the piece of shit who is under other piece of shit responsible of millions of deaths. 10.000.000 people who do not care about others. its so fucked up i want to cry. what angers me the most is im in a position of privilege where the actions of the piece of shit who will be president wont affect me but what about indigenous communities? farmers? lbtq+ community? its all so fucked up

[stinkgod]

i talked to my ex yesterday and he sounded so... weird? i dont know... like he was happy to hear my voice but also.. sad? or shocked?? or just very thoughtful? i dont know i guess i sounded that way too

[stinkgod]

i went drinking with some friends and after a couple of beers i insisted i had to go home and this guy keep insisting that i could leave with him but after drinking more drinks and i wanted to leave in that moment so i told him “no i want to leave NOW” and he grabbed my wrists and i panicked and started hitting him so he would let me go and he did but got mad i didnt know why i reacted the way i did and now, a week after this happened i still feel bad

my ex’s birthday is on saturday and im gonna call him but i lowkey dont want to do it because it is nervewracking to only think about talking to him after three months of not hearing from him because im still not over him and i miss him a lot and i dont want to cry while talking to him but i probably will which sucks ass

i met a guy and he’s so cute i lowkey have a crush on him but i dont know how to talk to him im fucking stupid also: im still not over my ex as you can tell by this post and there’s another thing: the dude does drugs and all i can think about is that he is the way my ex probably was when he was the dude’s age AND ALSO: remember when my ex told me he wasnt gonna give me cocaine bc he loved me?? well some friends told me the same shit a month ago and that was cute but after being told to not do it I STILL WANT TO DO IT and if the dude were to offer me some i would probably say yes because im fucking stupid 

also everyone does cocaine what the fuck i ahvent met anyone this year who doesnt do that stupid ass drug

i think i need to see a therapist but maybe i am overreacting

[stinkgod]

ALSO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS WERE TODAY AND GUESS WHAT? MY COUNTRY IS FUCKED UP!!! AGAIN!!!! PEOPLE WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT CORRUPTION AND SHIT BUT WONT DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT AND WILL KEEP ELECTING THE SAME PIECES OF SHIT AS ALWAYS

[stinkgod]

this dude who i thought only wanted to fuck me has Actual Feelings for me…. this is awful

[stinkgod]

update: i told him i wasnt gonna fuck him and that i wanted a longing friendship with him and i think that made it clear for him that i was, in fact, not interested in him

[stinkgod]

this dude who i thought only wanted to fuck me has Actual Feelings for me.... this is awful

[stinkgod]

me: im over my ex!! i can move on with my life!

also me: *starts crying after seeing a picture of him and his friends, havin a great time, thinking i could be there if i wasnt so fucking boring and also a baby*

[stinkgod]

also me: *cries after seeing a picture of him that i took*

[stinkgod]

i hate men this dude who wants to fuck me was showing me pictures of his dog and then he “accidentally” showed me his nudes and i was like ???? bitch you knew that picture was there holy fuck if i wasnt gonna fuck you before now im definitely not gonna do it now i mean.... fuck you