The Road to Recovery
Sorry this chapter is late. It was fighting back! Scott gets to see himself in a mirror for the first time and it's a shock. Then, to top it all, receives some bad news...
Warnings for this chapter: some swearing, emotional/mental upset.
Earlier chapters may be found on AO3 here.
Chapter 8 - Hiccup
It was the low whimper that woke Virgil. Opening his eyes, he saw that the sun had almost set and realised he’d been asleep for a few hours. His eldest brother was still enfolded in his arms, but he was restless; there was a frown on his face and his breathing hitched as he unconsciously shook his head and gave a low moan of denial.
“It’s okay, Scotty,” Virgil soothed. “You’re safe, I promise.” He began to hum the lullaby their mother used to sing to them when they were upset or in need of comfort, in the hope it would chase away whatever nightmare was developing in his eldest brother’s mind.
Scott gave a sharp intake of breath, then jerked awake, disorientated for a few seconds until the soft humming penetrated his consciousness.
“V – Virg?” he gasped out.
“I’m here, Scooter. You’re safe, everything’s fine,” Virgil replied softly, soothingly as he carded his fingers through his brother’s hair. “You’re perfectly safe, and I’m right here, by your side.”
“I – I thought… I thought I was back…” His breathing was ragged and he was trembling.
“No, you’re in a US military hospital still, and I’m right by your side.” He felt Scott tighten the hold on his arm as if to convince himself it was all true. “Do you believe me, now?”
“Ye – Yeah. Sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologise for. I’m not surprised the interview today has resulted in you almost having a nightmare. It wasn’t unexpected and that’s why I’m not leaving your side. I’m going to keep those nightmares away from you as much as I can.”
“Love you, bro.”
“And never doubt I love you… we all do, okay? Together, working as a team we’ll get you through this, whatever it takes.”
Scott didn’t get a chance to reply as there was a knock on the door which then opened to admit one of the catering staff with dinner. She smiled at the two men as she placed the tray on the mobile table and then left.
“I need the bathroom,” Scott said, embarrassed.
“Okay, I’ll help you get there and I’ll stand guard outside the door. Will you be all right in there on your own?”
“I - I don’t know. But I – I have to start using it at some point, rather than rely on… you know.”
Virgil nodded and slowly disentangled himself from his brother before getting off the bed. He turned to face him. “What do you need me to do?” he asked matter-of-factly, all business like so as not to embarrass his brother further.
“Just help me get there. I’m not very steady on my legs yet.”
“Sure.” He held out his arms in readiness.
Scott swept the bedding back off himself, thankful that his pitifully thin legs were clad in pyjama bottoms, but he could tell by the way they didn’t fill them that he had lost a lot of muscle mass. He took a deep breath and slowly sat up properly, having to use his hands to push himself into a sitting position, then attempted to move himself so his legs were dangling down over the side, but they didn’t seem to want to cooperate and he gave a half huff half sob in frustration.
“Hey, small steps, Scotty,” Virgil said encouragingly. “You can’t expect to climb a mountain straight away. Come on, it’s not a weakness to ask for a little help. It’s a sign of strength.”
Scott took a deep breath, but wouldn’t look at his younger brother. He just nodded his head and Virgil started a monologue that he was going to take hold of his legs and swing them round, then Scott was to place his hands on Virgil’s shoulders, whilst he placed his under Scott’s armpits to support him.
Within a minute, Scott was on his feet, clutching Virgil’s shoulders tightly feeling a little light headed.
“You okay?”
Scott took some deep breaths in an effort to regain his equilibrium, then nodded, but Virgil saw a lone tear meander its way down his face.
“It’s all right, Scotty,” he soothed. “I know you’re feeling weak and useless, but it’s temporary. Look how far you’ve come already. Come on, let’s get that bladder of yours sorted.”
Scott half sobbed, half laughed at that remark and gave a tiny smile. He had to lean heavily on Virgil to travel the short distance and by the time he reached the door, his legs were trembling with the effort.
Virgil stopped at the entrance, as if sensing his brother needed to gather some courage to go into the small, enclosed room, even though with the light on, it was bright and airy. “Ready when you are, he said to him,” and he stood patiently waiting for Scott to gather his courage.
A number of deep breaths followed, then Scott straightened up a little. “O – okay,” came the slightly nervous response.
“I’ll help you in, then I’ll come out and close the door, but not all the way, so you can see there’s a gap and you’re not trapped in there. Will that suffice?”
“I – I think so.”
Virgil nodded and they slowly made their way in. Fortunately, Scott was gazing at his feet, making sure he placed them squarely as he part walked, part shuffled forward, so he didn’t see the face Virgil pulled. The mirror in the bathroom was uncovered. Scott had yet to get a good look at himself in one and the younger man was afraid about how he’d take it. But he couldn’t do anything about it now. Any steps he made to try and cover it would draw even more attention to it.
Arriving at their destination, Virgil ensured Scott was balanced. “Okay, I’m letting go of you now. Can you manage from here? If not, just say the word and I’ll come back in and help you.”
“This is so fucking embarrassing,” Scott mumbled.
“Hey bro, you haven’t got anything I haven’t already seen!”
“Oh that makes me feel a darn sight better,” came the slightly sarcastic reply and Virgil smiled good naturedly. “Get out.” It was said without anger or malice. The younger man smiled again, nodded then turned around and left, pulling the door too, but not closed so Scott could take care of his ablutions in relative privacy.
It seemed to be going well until Virgil heard a thwump and a cry of pure despair.
“Scott! Scotty are you okay in there?”
There was no answer.
“Virgil’s heart rate escalated. “Scotty! Answer me! Scotty!”
Silence reigned apart from the muffled sound of some sobbing.
“Scotty, I’m coming in!” Virgil cautiously opened the door and found Scott on the floor, in front of the wash basin, head buried in his hands, attempting to cry quietly and partly failing. “Scotty! What’s wrong?” Virgil was at his side in an instant. He forgot all about warning his brother he was coming and hung onto him tightly as he fought against him. “It’s all right, I’m here, no one’s going to hurt you. Tell me what’s happened?” he cooed as he listened to his brother gasping for breath as he tried to break free. “It’s me, it’s Virgil…” he began humming the lullaby again. It took a number of seconds for his baritone voice to penetrate, but Scott finally stopped struggling and just buried his head in Virgil’s shoulder and sobbed his heart out, breaking Virgil’s heart. “I’ve got you, Scotty. I’ve got you. It’s going to be all right, I promise.”
He began to gently rock his brother as he continued to hum. It took a few minutes, but gradually the sobbing stopped and Scott remained in Virgil’s arms, trembling slightly.
“I’ve got you,” Virgil repeated. “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together, okay?” He felt his brother slump heavily in his arms as if all the fight had gone out of him, so he shifted position slightly and carded a hand through his hair to carry on reassuring him that he was safe.
Scott’s eyes remained closed for a few minutes and his breathing gradually evened out. For a brief moment, Virgil thought he had succumbed to sleep, but then he opened his eyes. Tear filled blue orbs gazed up at him.
“Hi there, Scotty.” There was pure unadulterated love in Virgil’s eyes as he returned the look.
Scott grabbed Virgil’s nearest bicep in a surprisingly firm grip. “I – I’m s – sorry,” he muttered.
Virgil shook his head. “I told you, you don’t have to keep apologising, Scotty. There are going to be lots of ups and downs. Now, are you ready to move?”
Scott shook his head. “N – no…”
“Okay, we can stay here for a bit if that’s what you want.” He desperately wanted to ask him what had happened to cause this reaction, but didn’t want to push him when he was obviously feeling so very fragile.
It was quiet for a few more minutes then, as Virgil had hoped, Scott provided him with the required information.
“I… I didn’t recognise my – myself in… in the mirror. Do… do I really look… look that bad?”
“Oh, Scotty,” Virgil’s voice was filled with pain for his elder sibling. “Listen to me, please. You may think you look awful at this precise moment, but let me tell you, you look fantastic compared to how you looked when I first saw you. You’re improving every day; you have to believe that.” He noted how Scott rested a hand against his abdomen.
“I’m… I’m scarred, Virgil.”
“I know, but they’ll fade in time. None of them are too bad, and dad said something about one of his inventors and a special cream he’s made that’ll help reduce their appearance even further, so you’ll be able to show off those incredible abs again. Besides… you know the girls love a man with scars. It shows he’s brave and has lived. Never be afraid or ashamed to let anyone see your scars, Scotty, especially your family. Now, come on, let’s get you back to bed before your dinner gets cold. We’ve got to get some weight on you so we can take you home.”
Virgil disentangled himself from his brother, stood up and leant down to assist Scott to his feet, before slowly guiding him back to bed, where he tucked him in, then pulled the mobile table over his lap so he could eat his dinner.
Scott spent the next five minutes pushing food around his plate, his mind too busy churning over what he currently looked like to eat. He knew he had been injured and extremely ill; they had told him a couple of times that he should have died and he suffered bouts of still wishing he had, especially when he had first become cognisant in the hospital. Then that Scarlet fellow had paid him a visit and hadn’t held back in the ensuing conversation. It hadn’t been like a slap in the face, more like a right hook and Scott had taken it all in; but every now and again, the doubt raised its ugly head and seeing himself for the first time in the mirror had most definitely been a shock, as had taking a really good look at his body. He wasn’t vain, but he’d always taken pride in his appearance and had worked hard to obtain a body that women (and some men) had found exceedingly attractive but seeing the lack of tone, of muscle, the bones almost poking through sallow skin had been too much and he had allowed himself to sink into the realms of feeling sorry for himself.
Virgil was being a rock; the voice of reason. Supporting him through his depression and wild mood swings and that just made Scott feel even worse. He was the eldest, he had protected his siblings practically all his life; soothed their hurts, chased away nightmares and now the roles were reversed and he felt incredibly guilty. When he looked at his middle and immediately younger brothers, all he saw was their love, affection and support for him. It was incredibly humbling that they thought that much of him. But the wild mood swings meant on some days he was appreciative of it, and on others he just wished they’d go away, so he could end it all and he despaired of ever getting rid of that feeling and maybe also a little scared.
“That fork doesn’t seem to be heading for your mouth any time soon,” Virgil said, breaking into his thoughts. “Come on bro, I need to see some food going in. You do want to go home, don’t you?”
Scott looked at him and saw nothing but hopefulness in the young features. “Yeah… yeah of course I do,” he finally replied.
“Then eat up; get that food down you. No weight gain, no going home.”
Somehow, Scott managed to force about half of it down before deciding he’d had enough. It was bland and almost tasteless, but his digestive system wasn’t ready for anything with some real flavour in it yet.
“That was a fair attempt,” Virgil said as he handed him his water.
Oh how Scott wanted a coffee, but too was currently off the menu. He was supposed to be resting in between his exercises and physio, not bouncing off the walls… or ceiling!
“Now, how about you get some more rest?”
Virgil’s cheerfulness was beginning to grate on Scott’s nerves. He really just wanted him to go, so decided the best way to achieve that was to at least try and feign sleep.
“Yes, I am feeling tired again,” Scott said quietly. “You must be too. Why don’t you go and get your head down.”
“I’ll go get some once I know you’re asleep. Grandma and dad will probably be back shortly to take over.”
He didn’t want them back… he didn’t want anyone back. He just wanted to be left alone so he could wallow in self-pity, loathe the way he looked and felt; drown in the negative feelings; but he knew what his father would say. Tracys’ don’t wallow, they’re strong, they fight, buck your ideas up, Scott! Don’t let the side down… He actually wanted to scream and/or shout to release the bottled up emotions, but he’d spent too long keeping everything locked inside. It needed to come out, but he didn’t want to let it for fear of being found wanting, of being a disappointment, of being weak. He’d broken down partly in front of Scarlet for which he was exceedingly embarrassed and vowed never to do that again, not realising that it was that he desperately needed to do if he ever wanted to fully recovery. It all had to come out; every single, sordid detail of how it all unfolded, what he suffered, but instead he buried it deep, so that it would never see daylight.
There was a couple of things he’d neglected to remember however… The War Crimes Trial that was currently being put together, and his USAF debrief, both of which were yet to come.
His father and grandmother arrived a little later, took one look at Virgil and ordered him back to the hotel to get some food and some sleep. He went grudgingly.
“How are you feeling, son?” Jeff asked him as he slowly approached the bed and carefully took hold of his hand.
“Tired,” he replied.
“That’s understandable. Get some rest, it will do you the power of good.” He squeezed Scott’s hand gently, then let him go.
Scott closed his eyes and attempted to slow and deepen his breathing so his father would think he was asleep. Several minutes passed, and he heard his father whisper to his mother.
“Looks like he’s sleeping.”
He heard some movement, then his grandmother’s voice. “No, he’s not,” she said.
Unconsciously, Scott flinched slightly. He’d forgotten his grandmother knew him inside out, unlike his father who had been absent more time than present and thus was not as familiar with his tells.
“Hey, kiddo,” Sally said softly. “Do you want something to help you sleep?”
He tried to pretend he was asleep, but Sally wasn’t having any of it.
“I know you’re not asleep, so you can stop pretending.” She stroked his hand with her thumb and he swore silently, then cracked open his eyes. “There you are. Do you want me to see if I can get you anything?”
He shook his head. “I’ll be all right, grandma.”
“You sure now?”
“Yes. I’m sure.”
“If you change your mind…”
“I won’t.”
There was a knock on the door, then it opened to admit a nurse. She was carrying a tablet, and approached the bed, a slightly nervous smile on her face.
“Captain Tracy,” she began, addressing Scott. “I’ve been asked to inform you that your commanding officer and the JAG team will be returning tomorrow for your debriefing. They will be here at 10:00 am.”
She paused as she saw the panicked expression appear on Scott’s face, and his breathing hitched.
“This is unacceptable!” Jeff exploded and then froze as Scott hunched over on himself at the loud noise. He took a deep breath to get his temper back under control and carried on in a harsh whisper. “He’s not ready for this! You can’t allow them to put him through this yet! He’s refusing to talk about it to the therapist.”
“I’m sorry, I’m only delivering the message,” the nurse answered.
“Jeff,” Sally interrupted. “Calm down, you’re not helping Scotty.” She was rubbing circles on Scott’s back in an effort to stop him from spiralling into a full blown panic attack.
“Captain Tracy’s therapist will be present to help him through the debrief,” the nurse added.
“Is anyone else permitted to be in attendance?” Jeff asked, tightly.
“Like whom?”
“Me. I want to be present to support my son.”
“N – no!” Scott gasped out. “Not you!”
Jeff turned and looked at him. “Scott, you’ll need the support of your family for this. Let me.”
“No… I don’t want… don’t want you to… to hear what… what happened.”
“Son, I already have a good idea from the JAG meeting about what it’s going to contain. I can take whatever comes out.”
“I’ll let Colonel Henderson and Major Clarke know. I’m sorry,” she added, then turned and left the room.
Jeff studied his son who was trembling and staring fixedly at a point lower down his bed. “Son, it’ll be okay, trust me.”
Scott shook his head. “You – you don’t understand… there’s stuff… I don’t want you to hear… I’m… I’m…” He couldn’t complete the sentence. How did he tell his father that he was scared he would be disappointed in him, in the way he had conducted himself. He had never received the approval he craved; needed from his father. What he had achieved in his young life so far just wasn’t enough for the great Jefferson Tracy. If he heard what he might be forced to divulge, he would never hear it; would never be good enough to deserve it.
Jeff could see he was struggling to keep his emotions in check. “Son, I promise you, there is nothing you could say that will shock me, I give you my word.” He lay a hand on his shoulder, ignoring the violent flinch before Scott got himself back under control.
“May – maybe not, but… you’ll…”
“I’ll what?” Jeff asked.
Sally could see that Scott was desperately trying to maintain his control, but her son’s questioning was making him escalate again. “Jeff, stop,” she ordered.
“Mom, I need to know what he is trying to say.”
“Leave it, Jefferson. It’s something that Scotty is afraid of.” She paused as Scott shot her a fearful glance and knew she was right. “Scotty, how about if I support you?”
He shook his head.
“Son, you can’t face this debrief alone.” Jeff cut in with and noted with concern, that his eldest was starting to rock backwards and forwards.
“Jeff, I’m ordering you to stop, now,” Sally hissed quietly. She gave him ‘the look’ and he kept quiet. “Scotty, who would you like to be with you tomorrow? You must have one of us with you, for support.”
Scott shook his head. “I – I can’t… I can’t inflict…”
“Listen to me, Scotty. Any of us will volunteer to be with you and support you. I promise no one will pass judgement—” she paused as she saw him throw a glance at Jeff and the penny dropped. “How about Virgil? He was in the JAG interview along with Jeff.”
There was the slightest of nods.
“What? No! You’re both forgetting, this is a military debrief. Civilians will not be allowed!” Jeff came back with.
“They either let Virgil attend, or it’s not happening,” Sally said firmly. “Scott needs to be as comfortable as possible, and if he wants Virgil, then he will have Virgil with him.” Sally folded her arms and glared at her son for a few seconds before returning her attention to her eldest grandson. “Come on Scotty,” she said softly as she adjusted the bedding. “It’s time for you to get some sleep. I know it’s going to be a very difficult day tomorrow. I’ll stay with you tonight, if you’ll let me; let’s see if we can keep those nightmares at bay, eh?”
Scott reluctantly allowed her to get him back under the bedding and even tuck him in lightly, before she kissed his forehead.
“I’ll be right here kiddo. You’re safe, remember that.” She sat down by his bedside.
“I’m staying too,” Jeff added quietly as he pulled a chair up and sat down next to his mother.
Sally leant sidewards and dimmed the lights and they settled down on their vigil.
The news of the debrief obviously upset Scott. He woke up screaming, but not for his interrogators to stop, but begging his father. Jeff jumped up, wondering what on earth Scott was begging for, but as Scott’s eyes flew open, tears flowing freely, he took one look at his father, and threw himself from the bed to huddle in a corner, his hands clutching his head as he tried to make himself as small as possible.
Jeff looked on horrified and then his heart shattered into a million pieces as Scott sobbed.
“P – please dad… p – pl -please… don’t…”
o0o0o0o