Christmas Prince 3: Live Watch
If you've not seen my recap of the first of these films, find it here. I'm watching this with my brother. It looks hideous.
Let's gooooooo
The titles are still hideous and Amber is still fucking blogging.
Also, the montage at the start is so heavily saturated with green screen.
Amber's hair is vile. Who styled that? Awful.
So, the premise of this is a treaty signing with "The Kingdom of Penglia"
Christ.
HOT references to pop culture as Amber and Simon are given advice to call their baby Hermione, or Khaleesi.
OH MY GOD, PRETTY BLACK LADY HAS A NAME. SHE'S CALLED MELISSA. SHE'S DATING AWFUL SIMON. FUCK.
My brother just asked the pertinent question as to who this film is for.
I honestly don't know.
To clarify, Amber and Richard are having a baby, and they're absolutely gross about it.
AMBER HAS SWAPPED THE CONVERSE FOR UGGS. This is ✨growth✨
Nothing about this film is congruent. We are throwing ourselves around a timeline and a setting like ferret in a barrel. What I've gathered is that the Kingdom of Penglia and Aldovia renew a treaty of peace every 100 years for... reasons? A bit like renewing your vows, only with tackier decor and you hate each other more, I guess.
Amber's really going hard on her "I'm a regular gal!" schtick. I'm not into it.
OMG THERE IS A FLASHBACK TO 1419. This is such a fucking mental premise. This film! Is! Insane!
Wow, ok, the Penglians are framed as being of Asian heritage, and apparently very traditional (there is a whole host of microaggressions written into that which I cannot unpack sensitively here). Dowager Queen (I think that's her title) Helena says that "compared to Queen Ming, even Mrs Averill here seems carefree."
"I have my carefree moments," Mrs Averill replies with a roguish look. "I had one last weekend." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.
We are counting down to Christmas. This is the worst advent calendar ever.
The Penglians have arrived. No one is ready or rehearsed. This is a fucking shambles.
The framing of the Penglians is so racist. Sorry not sorry but the shots on the face are making the Queen of Penglia look like a madam with an agenda and Amber the relaxed, chill, hot dog eating best pal queen.
Try fucking harder, Netflix. You're grim.
The Queen of Penglia is super classy. Her hat is very lovely.
There's drama with Simon and the Penglian attaché. Cool. No one cares. Simon and Lynn (the attaché) went to Oxford together. Of course they did. Melissa isn't into it. Girl, we feel you.
There's a mention of the Belgravians. Again, who fucking cares. Yet again, this film is full of people's boring life admin.
Richard's haircut is so ugly in this film. It makes his head look so weird. I can't stop concentrating on it. It's possibly the most engaging part of this cinematic travesty.
Now we've got Amber "educating" Queen Ming on how to modernise. It's not even subtle. Heaven preserve me.
Now there's a random announcement of some CEOs? Turns out it's Queer Coded Guy (turns out his name is Andrew) and the guy who did the wedding (Sahil).
Richard is impressed by what is a essentially an early 2000s webcam. This man is unwell.
There's a really pointless moment where pregnant Amber can't put her slipper on so Richard does it and apparently that's? romance? kids? I am immediately texting my husband to tell him he's a failure because he's never put my slipper on for me.
Mind you, I am not pregnant. And I also have hands.
The Penglians have apparently rejected the idea of the Queens signing the treaty. Yawn.
Also, there's literally no research done. Monarchs aren't announced as just "Queen X" or "King Y", they're announced as "His Royal Highness, King Tai of Penglia, and Her Royal Highness, Queen Ming"
Someone's stolen the treaty, by the way. That's probably more important than my irritation with royal etiquette.
There's an Aldovian game where they have to decorate a Christmas tree by answering questions on royal traditions (oh my God this country is so boring). Simon suggests they should play it with the Penglians while Amber and Richard go find the treaty. This is a very normal way of behaving.
Once again, Princess Emily is carrying this film. This family. This fucking nation.
My brother: I'm really struggling to deal with everything that's occurring here.
God, that's relatable.
Anyway, Amber's the worst detective ever.
Richard: are you suggesting we draw up a list of suspects?
Amber: that's investigative journalism 101!
✨No?? it isn't??✨
They have blamed Sahil because he thought it was tacky; blame the guy who isn't white, what's new in this film
There's trouble in paradise with Melissa and Simon. What a waste of my time. They need ~alone time~. Also apparently Simon is "misunderstood".
Amber is a terrible friend, by the way. She's planting the seeds of doubt in Melissa's mind about "the way he looks at Lynn". She doesn't do it in a kind or thoughtful way. You're a bad friend, Amber, and you need to think about your actions.
Also, Melissa has terrible taste in men. BUT WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
Oh! Apparently if they don't sign the treaty, they return to a state of war. Sure. Ok. The war ended in 1419. This is a mental way of functioning.
THERE'S A CURSE.
Y'all, there's a CURSE.
Apparently if they don't sign the treaty, the baby that Amber is carrying will have a curse upon it.
"I may be expecting, and Queen, but I am still a journalist" - Amber, I promise you, my sweet summer child, you've never been anything close to a journalist.
The phrase "royal tape measure" has just been used.
Amber's hair is so ugly. Sorry to come back to it, but it's really ugly.
She just called Andrew (her supposed friend) "Eddie". She's been snooping in Sahil's room. She and Eddieandrew have a conversation of utter exposition about his business (pointless) and the concept of a puff piece.
Emily tells them about the curse. I take it back. She has cast this film, this family, this nation, to the gutter.
Amber has just done the maddest response to Emily's reveal. "On this bABY!"
"I don't care if it's one in a billion, I'm not risking it."
Shut up, Amber.
Ok, Rudy has just said the best line in the whole film. They're talking about Melissa being in love with Simon and he reminds Amber that love makes people do strange things. "You gave up New York slices and bagels for meat jelly." DRAG HER. My brother points out that it's the best line in the film so far. We have an excruciating 48 minutes and 58 seconds left. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE MOON IN ALDOVIA. Oh wow, the acting is truly terrible. Ok, as someone who went to boarding school, you don't constantly refer to it as boarding school in normal conversation. You just call it school. Why does Richard have to say things like "They taught us that at boarding school!" No. One. Cares. There's some waffle about a love triangle and a poisoning. Amber's hung up on the House of Devon and the name being familiar. I think it's probably something to do with Richard's middle name being Bevan and Amber can't remember her husband's name cus she's a moron.
Sorry about the pause, I had to go collect Mr H lol.
Amber's haircut ages her so much. She looks like she's 65.
Re: the pregnancy storyline, it really reads like pro-baby propaganda. Also, there's some absolute garbage about child birth and hypnobirthing; just to remind you, you're not a negative person if you experience pain in childbirth. I know that sounds deranged but we're really at this point.
The royal doctor should not have license to practise, by the way. There's a really deranged moment with some questionable background music when the doctor leads her in a guided meditation.
There's chat among the Penglians about whether the treaty loss is deliberate in order to "renegotiate terms" (whatever that means). Amber then invites them to her baby shower. The invite is printed in italicised Times New Roman.
Nothing says "under duress" like a baby shower.
THE BABY SHOWER IS HIDEOUS. OH MY GOOD LORD.
There are about 7 people in a huge room. The Penglians are charming and give Amber a handmade gift, and the King sings to them. It's very cringe but it's well-intentioned.
Amber: "King Tai played beautifully."
Amber, we established this in the first film, you don't know what good musical talent is.
There's a really lovely moment where King Tai and Richard build the crib together. And that's nice. The crib is ugly tho.
Apparently there's a precedent to the treaty theft. That doesn't help anyone. There's a shit attempt at building tension with a ghost story. It doesn't work.
The crib collapses. Just like my will to live as this film continues.
Simon and Lynn are shady. Shady shady shady.
Oh I've worked it out. Simon wants to propose to Melissa. He's got a ring. Lynn's helping.
For god's sake. Richard bought tiny Converse for the child. Why must we all suffer thus.
Apparently Simon is the one who's selling out Aldovia. This is a deeply recycled storyline.
I have just had to witness Melissa and Simon hug in the way that Voldemort hugs Draco at the Battle of Hogwarts, and I'm not wELL.
They've taken the Penglians to the Christmas market; apparently it's "magical" on Christmas Eve.
It looks like it's in a car park.
Amber's wearing an ugly hat to go with her ugly hair. It's a nice combo.
And it's here!! The inspiration porn!! Emily has a lovely time because she gets pushed around the ice in a chair and we're supposed to conveniently forget her disability because she's a real girl now or something??? FFS.
Ming and Amber have an archery competition. Amber faints and still manages to hit a bullseye. I'm so tired. There are still 28 minutes and 6 whole seconds to go.
Richard as Amber clutches her stomach like it's going to fall off: "let's just make it to the chaise"
Fuck OFF.
The Penglians are leaving. The treaty is still missing. Amber's baby is going to be covered in leaves when it's born or something.
Amber has a contraction a surge. She's in labour.
AHAHAHAHA THE DOCTOR CRASHES HER CAR BECAUSE THERE'S A SCREECH OWL. I'VE HAD MY REVENGE.
There's no doctor. Queen Ming "used to volunteer in a maternity ward" and offers to help. Bless her heart, but also, that's not a qualification.
Richard is going to get the doctor on a horse. Because of course he is. This country deserves to collapse.
Ok you remember the wolf in the first film? IT'S BACK. Only Richard just looks at it and goes "not today." This is a call back for the true stans.
This film is utter motherhood propaganda. I love (and want) kids but for God's sake, it's constant "a mother's love" blah blah blah.
Emily and Helena search the dungeon. They're looking for the ghost of Crimes-mas past, according to my brother. They get locked in the dungeon. This is so stupid.
Simon just gave Amber some stress balls. I hate this film so much.
"No job is more rewarding or demanding than motherhood" we're really going ham on the capitalist motherhood thing.
"Amber! How are you?"
"No baby."
NO SHIT.
The Queen is now picking the lock to get out of the dungeon. Of course.
Right, they have the treaty. Amber's labour has apparently just stopped?? because she's busy doing a Miss Marple tribute act.
The ending of this is intensely convoluted.
Simon proposes to Melissa and if Mr H had proposed with that speech, I'd have said no. Just saying.
Queen Ming is the real MVP.