olivia

my life is a mess

[stormigt]

daddy issues #2

i’m alive. on the ouside. on the inside, not really. everyone keeps saying i seem more happy and mom thinks i’m okay. i hate it. so much. i don’t want to be okay. it’s nice not being close to anyone. i hate getting close to dad. absolutely hate it. i’m leaving ellinor. slowly. but surely. we’ll drift apart by the end of ninth grade. i’ll be alone. she will have emmy and alexis. at least they like her, unlike me. they dont like me. they will always prefer her, i know that. it hurts a lot thinking about it but i have to accept that i dont mean shit to people. and i know ellinor was only my friend because no one else stood with her. it’s okay. i know shes using me. i know it. it hurts, too. but whatever. i hope she gets mad at me so i can have a reason to leave. but if im alone, thats when things go spiralling down. it won’t be good. i’ll be alone. always. not that i’m not alone now but ill be truly alone. whatever. we’ll see how shit turns out. i’ll see. if im alive. im not clean. im not gonna stop cutting, i know it.

[stormigt]

crush #4

the guy and i don’t like each other anymore. i was thinking about ending shit for a while and found the perfect timing. thank god.

[stormigt]

crush #3

i know i like him. i don’t wanna drift apart this summer because then i’ve wasted my time on this shit. i realized i got so many more insecurities than i thought and i’m so scared to be used and/or hurt. i find myself thinking “the fuck is wrong with you?” and it’s honestly quite painful for me to like someone. don’t know how i could get through it before.

[stormigt]

crush #2

i may have started crushing on the new guy i talked about. i told him i like him and he did the dame. i don’t know where we’re gonna take it from here. just continue talking and start meeting each other. i hope it goes well.

[stormigt]

crush

i think i finally got over my crush. but i’m afraid i got over my crush by getting another one. that’s just how i work. i’m kinda interested in a guy but i just think i like the attention he gives me. let’s hope that’s why i enjoy seeing him.

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s c a r e d

i keep catching myself thinking about things i’m not supposed to be thinking about. for example i was doing my thing today in my room when the thought just suddenly popped up.

“should i kill myself right now? just jump out of that window...”

it’s so scary. i froze. what was i thinking? i imagined how easy it’d be just to open the window and jump. how my life would just be over.

“no.” i said to myself. at the same time i heard a voice in my head.

“yes. jump.”

i don’t know where it came from. it felt as if i wasn’t myself. it happens a lot. it’s just... so easy. to change your entire life in a second. i could be dead in a few minutes if i wanted. someone else could be dead if i wanted.

[stormigt]

it’s disgusting how depressed i am

[stormigt]

daddy issues #1

i know that you’ve got daddy issues, and i do too.

it’s crazy. that life could change so fast. so drastically. that standing up for myself would get me in such trouble.

life is full of choices. even though i faced many consequences, this choice was right. my father didn’t treat me right. i felt like he always told me what i did wrong, and never what i did right. he was strict, i was rebellious and stubborn. when i said no, he screamed in my face. took my phone and all. i refused to lose.

i started ignoring him i think. my memories around that time aren’t that clear. i wouldn’t talk to him at all. i didn’t smile around them, didn’t laugh. i was stubborn to stay mad. i’ve always forgiven him and mom quickly even though i was mad. he thought i wouldn’t be mad at him for long, so i proved him wrong. i wanted to kill myself. i didn’t want to live. mom took his side as well. it was all my fault apparently. my entire family was disappointed in me. i was emotionless, i was on the line to becoming reckless. i kept thinking, if one more thing happens - i’m gonna stop caring about everything. school, family, life in general. it was my dad & his wife against me. sometimes my mom. i was alone. the only friend i could speak to was suicidal as well and she always spoke of her problems. the days passed in a blur. i was empty, angry and depressed. i always kept thinking of life and death. it would be easy just to end my life right now. i could just open the window and jump. and everything would be over. i was so scared. scared of myself. what i had become. my thoughts. how easy it was just to end it all. but i didn’t.

these days i’m still not okay. it hurts a lot some days. i have trauma from that time a year ago. and i still suffer from the anxiety and i get mild panic attacks sometimes. it’s getting better i think. i’m trying to help myself. i have such a low self esteem. having a crush doesn’t help. it ruins a lot for me and i keep comparing myself to others and i keep walking around, mad or sad or whatever i’m feeling. sometimes i’m happy. but it’s times like this when i have nothing to do. nothing to distract myself with. those are the times when i realise i’m not actually okay, and i’m truly completely alone in that moment. my thoughts and i. and there’s nothing more scary than that.

[stormigt]

vegetarian [#1]

okay so i’ve been thinking of it for a while, it’s probably been half a year since i first started considering becoming one. i really love animals. i always have and i really hate the [meat, dairy, egg, etc] industry. i’m definitely gonna become vegan in the future and leave a minimal negative impact on animals lives but i feel so guilty. my dad can barely eat vegetarian food once a week, and i don’t know how i would be able to become a vegetarian if they’re not “able” to make vegetarian meals. at mom’s it won’t be a problem and not in school as well... i’m thinking of telling my dad or his wife about it tomorrow but i get really nervous and i don’t know what to say or how to do it. i’ll update you if i do talk about it.