Come sit on the mat, sweetheart. Right here, legs crossed like a good little boy. That's it...
You’ve been such a good baby lately, haven’t you? No squirming when Mommy has to wipe that stinky, poopy bottom clean, no spitting out your mushy num-nums, letting me buckle you into your carseat without a single fuss. You even said “tank ‘oo, Mommy” the other day when I powdered you up! So precious.
Because you’ve been so obedient, Mommy decided you’ve earned a very special treat today. I know you've been wanting to go back to potty-training, but I just don't think you're ready for big boy undies yet. That's why I figured we'd start small. You, know, baby steps.
See these? Training pants. Real training pants with little red and blue cars all over them. Not baby diapers. These are for slightly bigger boys who are trying their very hardest. Isn’t that nice of me? You get to feel almost grown-up again… for a little while.
But there's a catch, honey: you do not get to use the potty. Not once. Not even if you beg, cry, hop from foot to foot, or promise the moon. The potty is locked for you today. Big boys can hold it, and you keep telling me you’re a big boy, so you’re going to prove it.
You will wear these training pants for exactly twenty-four hours. If--and that’s a very big if--you somehow manage to keep them perfectly dry until I check tomorrow evening, Mommy will let you try real big-boy underwear. I might even drive you to the store myself so you can pick out your very own package and patterns! Won’t that be exciting??
But if you fail? You will sit in your accident, waddle in your accident, nap in your accident, eat dinner in your accident, and watch every single episode of SpongeBob in your accident. Training pants don't absorb like your diapers baby. You’ll feel it spread, you'll leak, and it will get heavy and cold and clingy against your skin, and every single squish will be a reminder that you couldn’t do it. That's why they call them 'trainers', after all.
You'll have to stay in your shame until the full 24 hours are up. And when I finally peel them off tomorrow, if there's a yellow stain, I won't be angry. Just disappointed. And we’ll both know the diapers have to come back, maybe for a very long time, because clearly my sweet boy still needs them.
Do you think you can do that, sweetheart? Can you really hold everything for a whole day and night with no potty and no excuses?
Awww, look at that little nod!! So brave. And maybe just a tiny bit naive. That’s okay, Mommy thinks it’s precious.
All right, baby, let’s get that soggy overnight diaper off first. Go on! Lay back! Are you excited?? Oh my goodness, look at that wetness indicator! It’s practically navy blue! Well...I hope you emptied your little tinkle tank!
Someone has quite the stiffy! Well...you need to control that as well, honey. Sticky stains count against you too. Try not to get too excited in your new undies, okay? Here they come!!
Lift those legs…raise your bottom...up, up, up...theerrreee we go! Doesn't that feel so good??
Stand up for Mommy and give us a twirl. Aww, don’t you just feel like a widdle boy trying so, so hard? Those tiny cars zooming around your bottom are just adorable!
Now...you know Mommy wants to keep her growing boy hydrated and healthy, don't you? So you'll need lots of liquids today. Mommy will make you bottles of ice-cold apple juice, creamy whole milk, water with lemon, whatever you want! And you'll drink them alll up without a fuss, won't you? We wouldn’t want to go straight back to diapers just because someone decided to be a fussy little prince instead of a big boy, would we? Noooo, that would be so sad!!
So here's a bottle baby, drink up! And try to be a big boy for Mommy and stay dry, okay? Mommy's rooting for you...