okayy this took me a while so i hope you enjoy!!
you’re in the backseat half listening to everyone talk over each other phones out names getting read off rooms being figured out last minute changes people complaining laughing the usual chaos before something big but you’re not really paying attention not fully because every time his name comes up your focus snaps back without you meaning it
someone reads it out like it’s nothing like it doesn’t matter like it won’t change anything
there’s a pause just for a second just long enough for it to feel like something
“oh” someone says dragging it out like they noticed too
you don’t react not really just nod slightly like it’s normal like it doesn’t mean anything but when you look up he’s already looking at you and he doesn’t look away this time
“guess we’re stuck together” he says and there’s a small smile there something quieter than usual
the room is quiet when you both finally get there bags dropped by the door neither of you really moving for a second like you’re both waiting for the other to say something first
“you can take the bed by the window” he says finally setting his bag down like he needs something to do
you nod and move past him the space feeling smaller than it should be like the air changed the second the door closed
you’ve always been like this with him not really obvious not something anyone could point out but it’s there in the way conversations last a little longer than they should in the way you stand a little closer than necessary in the way he looks at you when he thinks you’re not paying attention
it happens later when everything’s quiet lights low the city outside barely making it through the curtains you’re both still awake neither of you saying it but neither of you sleeping either
“you should sleep” he says from his bed voice softer than earlier
he lets out a small breath that almost sounds like a laugh
you don’t ask what he means you just move standing up crossing the small space between the beds like it’s nothing like your heart isn’t beating too fast like this hasn’t been building for months without either of you doing anything about it
you sit on the edge of his bed at first unsure just for a second but he shifts making space like he expected it like he’s been waiting for it
you don’t know who leans in first
it’s slow at the start soft almost hesitant like both of you are still deciding if this is real if it’s actually happening his hand finding yours then your waist then pulling you closer when you don’t pull away
it feels like something breaking open like something you’ve both been holding in for too long finally slipping through the cracks
at some point you’re not sitting anymore you’re closer than that tangled in a way that makes everything else feel far away quiet and distant like the world outside the room doesn’t exist anymore
he says your name like it means something different now like it always has
and when it’s over when everything settles and the room goes still again you stay there for a while neither of you speaking breathing slowly coming back down from something neither of you really understands
eventually you pull away just enough to look at him
he looks different softer but also like he’s thinking too much already
“we should sleep” you say because it feels like the right thing to say like something normal to hold onto
you both lie down after that not as close but not far either
it replays everything every second every look every touch twisting it into something heavier than it felt in the moment
by the time morning comes you feel sick with it
he’s still asleep when you get up or at least you think he is you don’t check properly you don’t give yourself time to you just grab your things as quietly as you can your chest tight your thoughts too loud
practice feels wrong from the second you step onto the ice your body moving automatically but your head somewhere else entirely you mess up things you never mess up you stop halfway through a run through and just stand there staring at nothing
“okay what is going on” amber says skating over arms crossed looking at you properly
isabeau joins a second later her expression softer but just as concerned
“you’re not even here right now”
you shake your head trying to brush it off but it doesn’t work nothing feels normal not your body not your thoughts not the way your chest feels like it’s too tight
“i just didn’t sleep” you say
“what happened” she asks and it’s not nosy not really just direct
you look down at the ice then back up then away again like saying it out loud will make it too real
“me and ilia” you start then stop
“we didn’t mean to it just happened and i don’t know what it means and i didn’t want to make it into something it’s not so i just left this morning and i didn’t say anything and now i feel like i messed everything up and i don’t even know if he meant it or if it was just the moment and i can’t think straight”
it all comes out too fast your voice catching slightly at the end
“is he still asleep” isabeau asks
“i don’t know i didn’t check”
amber shakes her head slightly
“okay first of all that was a bad move”
you let out a weak breath
“second of all you’re overthinking this so much it’s painful to watch”
“isn’t she always” isabeau adds gently
“you need to talk to him” amber says
you shake your head again
“what if it meant nothing to him”
amber looks at you like that’s the dumbest thing she’s heard all day
“then he wouldn’t have let it happen”
“isabeau” you look at her instead
she gives you a small smile
“you’re not the only one who looks at him like that”
your stomach drops slightly
“i mean he’s been gone over you for months”
“it is” amber says immediately
“then why didn’t he say anything”
that’s enough of an answer
“just go talk to him” isabeau says softer this time
“before you make it worse”
you already feel like you have
the walk back feels longer than it should your thoughts still loud but different now less panic more fear of what you’ll find when you open that door
sitting on the edge of his bed
he looks up the second you walk in and the look on his face makes your chest tighten immediately
you close the door behind you slowly
you don’t answer right away and that makes it worse you can see it in the way his expression shifts the way he looks away for a second like he already thinks he knows the answer
“if you regretted it you could’ve just said that”
he looks back at you then
“then why did you leave without saying anything”
“because i didn’t know what to say”
“so you just didn’t say anything at all”
“i thought that was better”
he lets out a short breath shaking his head
another pause heavier this time
“you could’ve just talked to me” he says quieter now but it hurts more like that
“you didn’t even look at me”
“i didn’t trust myself to”
“it means i didn’t know what it meant and i didn’t want to say the wrong thing and mess it up”
he lets out a small frustrated breath
“you already messed it up by leaving”
you look at him properly now
he laughs slightly but there’s nothing happy about it
“so it just didn’t mean anything then”
“then what are you saying”
your chest tightens again
he shakes his head pacing now like he can’t stand still anymore
“it’s not that complicated”
“no it’s not” he snaps turning back to you his voice louder now
“you don’t just do that with someone and then walk out like it’s nothing”
“i didn’t say it was nothing”
“then stop acting like it”
“i’m not acting like anything”
you shake your head frustrated now
“because i don’t know how”
he lets out a sharp breath running his hands through his hair
“this is exactly why i didn’t want this to happen”
“then why did you let it”
“because i couldn’t stop it”
the room goes quiet for half a second
he looks at you like he’s already said too much but not enough at the same time
“it means i can’t just turn it off”
he laughs slightly but it sounds wrong strained
“no you don’t get to stand there and act confused” his voice rising again frustration spilling over now
“you look at me like that you act like that and then you leave like it didn’t matter”
that stings more than anything
he exhales hard pacing again like he’s trying to calm himself down and failing
“i’ve been trying so hard not to mess this up with you”
“i didn’t want to say anything because i thought if i did it would ruin everything and then last night happened and i thought maybe i was wrong maybe you felt it too and then you just left”
your heart starts racing again
“no because what was i supposed to think” he keeps going voice breaking slightly now
“you don’t just do that with someone you don’t just” he stops shaking his head frustrated
“you don’t just do that with someone you don’t love”
the word hits the air before he can stop it
“you don’t just do that with someone you don’t love”
you repeat it slowly like you’re trying to understand it like you need to hear it again to believe it
he looks at you like he wishes he could take it back but can’t
he doesn’t answer right away
your chest tightens so hard it almost hurts
he lets out a breath looking down then back at you
you shake your head slightly trying to process it
“and you didn’t say anything”
“because i didn’t want to lose you”
you let out a small breath almost a laugh but it’s not happy
“that’s exactly why i left”
“i just didn’t know if you did” you continue your voice quieter now but steadier
“and i didn’t want to be the one who ruined everything by assuming something that wasn’t there”
he steps closer slowly like he’s not sure if this is real
it comes out easier than you expected
he closes the distance properly this time his hands coming up to your arms like he needs to ground himself like he needs to know you’re actually there
“you left because you were scared”
he lets out a breath almost a laugh but softer now
there’s a pause but it’s different now lighter
then he pulls you into him suddenly like he’s done holding back like he’s not risking you walking out again
you hold onto him just as tight
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